The Muppet Show script-Harry Secombe

[MartyMuppets]

(curtain closes on Wayne. Kermit enters)

K: Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear is going to try something a little different. Instead of his usual monologue he will perform comedic style mimery in tribute to one of the greatest silent movie comedians of all time.
Statler: Well, that'll be an improvement upon his act. He won't be speaking.
Waldorf: Yeah. At least we'll only have to put up with seeing him. (they laugh together)

K: So here he is, Mr.Fozzie Bear.
(curtain opens revealing Fozzie dressed up as Charlie Chaplin swaggering around with a derby hat, cane and false moustache. While he's performing, suddenly a muppet bearing a striking resemblance to Mr. Chaplin comes onstage)
Chaplin Muppet: (angrily) How dare you use my image and my style without permission? I won't stand for this and neither will my friends.
(Before Fozzie knows it muppets in the likenesses of Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy appear and start hitting him with cream pies, honking horns in his ears and squirting water through their lapels while Statler and Waldorf are cheering them on. Finally he runs offstage chased by all of them)

BACKSTAGE

(Fozzie runs past Kermit with the silent movie stars in pursuit. Kermit just sighs and speaks into the intercom)
K: Harry, Rowlf and back-up singers stand by for the closing number.

(Harry, Rowlf and two pigs head onstage. George appears followed unknowingly by Sweetums)
Sweetums: Hey Kermit. I have to tell you that since Charlie refuses to socialize with us anymore all the other monsters have reverted back to their messy ways.
K: But Sweetums. They were all so very rough on poor Charlie. That's why he doesn't want to have anything more to do with them.
S: Sorry Kermit. But I told you they have their natures built into them. I said it was all a waste of time.
(Sweetums leaves)
George: (to Kermit) I think I'd better just keep cleaning up after them without complaint. I don't ever intend to get myself eaten by one monster during one of our shows if I can help it. Let alone by several of them.
K: Sheesh! (heads onstage)

CLOSING NUMBER

K: And now once again, here's Mr. Harry Secombe. Yaay!
(curtain opens. Rowlf is playing piano in the background while Harry and the two pigs, one on his right, the other on his left, each throw a coin into a fountain. Then they sing together in perfect unison, "Three Coins in the Fountain")
HS and Pigs: Three coins in the fountain
Each one seeking happiness.
Thrown by three hopeful lovers
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three hearts in the fountain
Each heart longing for its home.
There they lie in the fountain
Somewhere in the heart of Rome.
Which one will the fountain bless?
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three coins in the fountain
Through the ripples how they shine.
Just one wish will be granted.
One heart will wear a valentine.
Pig on left: Make it mine.
Pig on right: Make it mine.
HS: Make it mine. (he holds the note with great feeling while Rowlf concludes the musical accompaniment)
(then a girl with a veil concealing her face comes onstage, approaching Harry, embracing him. But when he bends down and lifts the veil he does a double take. The girl turns around revealing herself to be Boppity in a golden wig and dress)

K: Once again the time has come to say good-bye. Let's not forget to show our appreciation to our special guest star, Mr. Harry Secombe! Yaaay!
(Harry comes onstage waving and smiling)
HS: Thanks Kermit. I have so enjoyed my time with you tonight. I only have one complaint.
K: What's that Harry?
(Boppity comes onstage still dressed up like a girl and embraces Harry again)
HS: I want the coin I threw in the fountain refunded. (he starts to laugh)
K: We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.
(the cows from Harry's first number, Miss Piggy from his second number and Rowlf and the two pigs from his closing number all crowd around him as the closing credits start to run. Even the giant Snowman sticks his arm and face out through the curtains waving.)

Statler: Waldorf, if I pay you twenty bucks, will you take my ticket for next week's show and give it to somebody else?
Waldorf: Sorry but no. I wouldn't wish such a fate on my worst enemy.
Statler: Shucks.

 

[D'Snowth]

That was great Marty, and I can see why Fozzie's bit was a favorite of your's. Too funny!!! Kudos!

 

[MartyMuppets]

I would like to express my appreciation to Dave Ebersole AKA Gorgon Heap, for giving me a little bit of help in composing the Vet's Hospital sketch.

I would like to work on an outline or a script with the Doctor Who actor Tom Baker now, so I'll be thinking about some ideas at my leisure.

For those of you who don't know who Harry Secombe is, you may probably know his two partners Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan, both of whom guest-starred on the real Muppet Show. The three of them were the stars of the British radio comedy series The Goon Show, and the jokes quoted by Harry and Fozzie in the Talk Spot segment are all genuine, taken from the best of The Goon Show cd album that I have in my home library.
Ironically after the trio went their separate ways Harry became more well-known for singing than for comedy. At least here in Australia.

I would have loved it if they really had all three members of the Goon team appear on TMS so that's why I chose Harry as guest star for my fan fic. I hope you all enjoy it immensely.

BTW Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan are all deceased now, in that respective order.
Their genius will live on forever in all their classic Goon Show episodes
They are goon. But they will never be forgotten.

 

[Kiki]

I love the Fozzie bit, Marty, Rully funny!

 

[BEAR]

This is great, Bill...er Martin!

 

[Skye]

Wow, really great stuff, Marty! And that Fozzie bit was especially hilarious. I love how I can totally imagine this being an actual episode! Absolutely awesome!

And thank you for describing who Harry Secombe was, as I was not familiar with him. Sounds like he was wonderful, and probably would have been a great candidate for being on the show, as well. You made a very good decision in choosing him for this!

 

[MartyMuppets]

I'm very pleased to hear your feedback. And yes, Fozzie's bit is magnificent.

The inspiration for it came from my friendship with a man in my city who performs classic silent movie shows as a self-employed career. He said he could imagine the muppet images of the silent comedians in my scenario perfectly well.

 

[MartyMuppets]

I'm starting to become very excited about the prospect of a Tom Baker outline. I visualize it as a sci-fi tribute episode culminating in a big Doctor Who spoof finale

I'd also still like to expand my Tim Brooke-Taylor outline as well, but I probably won't necessarily make scripts out of every outline I think of.

 

[minor muppetz]

This was good.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Thanks. I enjoyed writing it.