The Muppet Christmas Show!

[unclematt]

Is Gerald a character that you made up or can I just not picture him right now?

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

Is Gerald a character that you made up or can I just not picture him right now?

I made him up. He's a human guest star (a Santa-for-Hire from the agency).

Wow! That was great! Let me start with Chapter 2. Gonzo's act is hilarious! And Sweetums with the sledgehammer in Chapter 3-*laughs uncontrollably*

How do you know what Gonzo's act is? I haven't said it yet!

 

[Scooterthegofer]

How do you know what Gonzo's act is? I haven't said it yet!

With three circular saw blades, it's bound to be funny.

 

[unclematt]

I just realized I asked my question in my last post but never told you how much I am enjoying the script so far. I have laughed out loud for each chapter. Very Impressive.

 

[Bannanasketch]

This is great! You capture the muppets perfectly! I cant wait to read more!

 

[Muppetfan44]

Very clever. Keep up the good work!

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

The perfect gift for everyone on your list!

The Muppet Christmas Show!
Part 4​

FADE IN on Kermit standing in front of the curtain. As the applause dies down he begins his next intro.
　

KERMIT
Next, we have a feat of daring
do, the likes of which have never
been seen before, or since.
The Great Gonzo shall recite the
classic poem ‘The Night Before Christmas’
whilst strapped to a log being fed into
a plank-cutting table saw.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Great Gonzo!​

　​

With the off-key fanfare and weak scattering of applause the curtains open revealing Gonzo in his daredevil outfit, an understandably nervous Camilla, the log and the table saw. Gonzo takes a few bows.
　

GONZO
Thank you! Thank you very much! Ahem!​

　​

Gonzo motions to the log.
　

GONZO
The log!​

　​

He motions to the saw.
　

GONZO
The saw!​

He motions to Camilla.
　

GONZO
The lovely assistant!​

　​

And to himself.
　

GONZO
And the Gonzo!​

　​

Gonzo dramatically turns to the log and sweeps over to it. He hops on and Camilla reluctantly ties him down and turns on the saw. Over the noise Gonzo begins reciting the poem.
　

GONZO
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.​

　​

CUT TO​

Kermit watches Gonzo’s act from backstage. He cringes as the sound of wood being cut turns to the sound of fabric being shredded and Gonzo’s excited whooping. Kermit returns to his desk as Gonzo and Camilla enter from onstage.
　

GONZO
That was even better than the
rehearsal! I actually made it to the
sugar plums this time!​

　
KERMIT
Are you alright? Asks the
frog for what feels like the
thousandth time.​

　
GONZO
I’m GREAT! But does anyone
else feel a draft?​

　​

Gonzo turns around, revealing that the back of his suit has been ripped off.​

　

DISSOLVE TO​

SAM THE EAGLE’S podium has been painted with red and green stripes and the eagle on the seal is now wearing a Santa hat. With the regal fanfare Sam enters and steps behind the podium.​

　

SAM
Ladies and gentlemen, today I would
like to say a few words about
commercialism. It seems in this
day and age that commercialism
has gotten way too far out of hand,
especially with Christmas!
The once proud holiday that promoted
peace on earth and goodwill toward man
has been reduced to ridiculous frivolities
and endless shopping!
And Santa Claus, the jolly fat man in
the red suit, has also felt the wrath
of the marketing world, becoming no more
than a promotional gimmick.
It has become so bad that most of the
citizens of our fine country have
forgotten about the all too American
tradition of Thanksgiving.​

　​

Unbeknownst to Sam, as he rambles on he is being surrounded by turkeys.

　
SAM
It, too, has become nothing more
than a promotional stunt, designed to
draw in John and Jane Q. Public in an
attempt to make them forgo the
traditional turkey dinner with their
loved ones in favor of
unhealthy fast food products.​

　
TURKEY #1
And that’s the way we like it!​

　
SAM​

Excuse me!

　
TURKEY #2
The closer to Thanksgiving it gets,
the more of us get the ax!​

　

SAM
Surely you can make that sacrifice
in the name of tradition!​

　
TURKEY #3
How’d you feel if the tradition was
roast bald eagle!​

　​

Sam is shocked, he never thought of it that way.​

　

SAM
Never mind.​

　​

Sam sulks offstage, followed by the hoards of gobbling turkeys.​

　

INT: DRESSING ROOM​

　

Sweetums is fanning the unconscious Gerald, who is lying on the couch. The door opens and Kermit and Scooter enter, followed by two Whatnot construction workers.​

　

KERMIT
It’s right over here.​

　​

He motions to the pile of bricks that was once a chimney.​

　

WORKER #1
We’ll have it fixed in no time.
You won’t even know it was broken.​

　​

The workers pull out their tolls and go to work.
　​

SCOOTER
I think what matters it that
Rent-a-Chimney doesn’t know it
was broken.​

　
KERMIT
Yeah.​

　​

Over on the couch Gerald begins to stir. Kermit and Scooter rush over.​

GERALD
(GROGGY)
Whoa, what happened last night?​

　
KERMIT
Gerald! Are you okay?​

　
GERALD
(CHILDLIKE)
Look, mommy! A talking sock!​

　​

The two workers begin to fight over an unnecessary tool.​

　

KERMIT
No, Gerald, it’s me, Kermit.​

　​

Gerald shakes himself to his senses.
　

GERALD
Right, sorry. I’m just a little
out of it.​

　​

The workers’ fight comes to a close when one yanks the tool out of the others hands and it goes flying.​

　

WORKERS 1 & 2
DUCK!​

　​

Kermit cringes, Sweetums jumps back, Scooter runs for it and the tool conks Gerald in the head, knocking him unconscious, again.​

　

KERMIT
And I have a feeling you will be
for quite a while now.​

　​

FADE TO​

　​

STAGE​

　

Big Bird stands in front of the big red curtain, greeted by thunderous applause. He takes a few bows.​

BIG BIRD
Thank you, thank you.
All of us from Sesame Street
are really happy to be here tonight.
And I’m also really glad, because
Kermit said that I could introduce
the next number. So, now I would
like to introduce Cookie Monster
accompanied by Melvin Slugs and his
Cookie Chorus.​

　​

Marvin rushes onstage and up to Big Bird, mallet in hand, followed by the reluctant Muppaphones, who are dressed up to look like cookies.​

　

MARVIN
Excuse-a me, large bird!​

　
BIG BIRD
Actually, my name is Big Bird.​

　
MARVIN
And mine is-a not Melvin Slugs.
It is Mar-r-r-r-r-rvin Suggs.​

　
BIG BIRD
Well, Mr. Mar-r-r-r-r-rvin, shouldn't
you be back there?​

　
MARVIN
I am a-right where I want-a to be!​

　
MUPPAPHONE #1
The bird’s right, Marvin.​

　
MARVIN
SHUT UP!​

　​

He smacks Muppaphone #1 who lest out a yelp, Big Bird is shocked.​

　

BIG BIRD
How could you do that?​

　
MARVIN
Because I have-a a mallet!​

BIG BIRD
Well that’s not very nice.​

　
MARVIN
I’m not-a supposed to be nice,
I’m a musician!
(To Muppaphone #1)
And you are out of-a tune!​

　​

Marvin gives him another smack and he yelps again.​

　

BIG BIRD
You know, maybe if you were
nicer to them they would sing
better.​

　
MARVIN
HA! You are only a bird!
What does a bird know about
singing!​

　
BIG BIRD
(TAKEN BACK)
I know quite a lot about
singing, thank you very much.​

　
MARVIN
Well, good-a for you. Besides, they
like it, don’t you, my little-a
punching bags?​

　
MUPPAPHONES
(DISAGREEING MUTTERING)​

MARVIN
Now leave! I have-a a musical
number to-a do!​

　
BIG BIRD
Well, okay. Here’s the number.​

　​

Big Bird turns and leaves, accidentally knocking Marvin over with his tail. The curtain opens and Marvin stands back up. The setting looks like the inside of a giant oven, with a three tiered ‘cake’ made out of mock-gingerbread sitting center stage.​

MARVIN
(TO OFFSTAGE)
May you-a be plucked for-a
pillow stuffing!​

　​

The Muppaphones take their positions on the tiers and Marvin prepares to conduct. A hurried Cookie Monster rushes on. He, too, is dressed as a gingerbread man.​

　

COOKIE
Me here! Me here! Me sorry
me am late, but me dressing room
door was stuck!​

　
MARVIN
Drat!​

　
COOKIE
Okay, me here to sing nice
little song all about COOKIES!​

　​

The band kicks up with the tune of ‘Sweet Gingerbread Man’.​

　

COOKIE
Feels like me made out of gingerbread,​

　
MUPPAPHONES
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!​

　
COOKIE
Crumb picky, lip licky gingerbread,​

　
MUPPAPHONES
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!​

　
COOKIE
Can’t think about rainy weather now,
Me finally got meself together now,
Fresh outta ‘da pan,
Sweet gingerbread man!​

　
MUPPAPHONES
Fresh outta the pan,
Sweet gingerbread man!​

　​

During the interlude Cookie Monster dances around, unaware that a jealous Marvin is trying to bonk him on the head with his mallet. As the interlude ends Cookie pulls up an oversized candy cane, accidentally smacking Marvin with it.​

　

COOKIE
Twirling a cane made of peppy mint,​

　
MUPPAPHONES
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!​

　
COOKIE
Nice icky, hand sticky peppy mint,​

　
MUPPAPHONES
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!​

　
COOKIE
Spun sugary cloud me floating on,
Sun spreading me suit,
Me sugar coating on,
All tasty and tan,
Sweet gingerbread man,​

　
MUPPAPHONES
All tasty and tan,
sweet gingerbread man,​

　
COOKIE
Fresh outta ‘da pan,
Sweet gingerbread man.​

　​

Cookie Monster then goes about devouring the tiers as the terrified Muppaphones flee.​

Next week: Veterinarian's Hospital, Oscar's Christmas Story and PENGUINS!
​

 

[Scooterthegofer]

Wow! That was hilarious! Gonzo's act, and Sam's speech, and THE MUPPAPHONES! Great stuff!

 

[unclematt]

This gets fuunier and funnier with each new segment

 

[Bannanasketch]

I loved it! Especially Sam's speech and the interaction between Big Bird and Marvin Suggs.