Headmistress plans a vacation
Headmistress Featheringill’s office is its usual heap of untidy papers, but the desk has been completely cleaned off. Onto said desk are spread several bright, colorful vacation brochures and a map of the world. Mistress is sprawled forward on her stool, her lime-green reading glasses perched low on her nose, and she is studying the brochures in great interest. Toady sits beside her with a decidedly grumpy expression on his face.
Headmistress Featheringill: This one looks nice, Toady. We get a bungalow in the rain forest and free cocktails—no, wait, cocktail wieners—every day at five-thirty. Complimentary coffee and Danish in the morning. Oh, wait—served by someone who is Danish. (She takes off her glasses and rubs her nose wearily.) Drat this fine print! It wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t keep moving.
Toady: I warned you about getting animated brochures, didn’t I? (crosses arms huffily across his chest) But did you listen? Nooooo. You never listen to me. Personally, I think they’re a little too slick for you!
Headmistress Featheringill: Too slick? Looks who’s talking! (Patting him fondly on the head) Someone’s grumpy. Wrong side of the, um--?
Toady: If you say lily-pad, I’m going to leave. I am a toad—not a frog.
Headmistress Featheringill: (ruefully) I’m well aware of that. After all, I—
Toady: And stop humouring me! I am not grumpy! I am not! I’m…bored. There’s nothing to do when you’re a toad.
(Headmistress Featheringill rolls her eyes.)
Headmistress Featheringill: (muttering) Not that again, Toady. (sitting back and looking at her companion in bemusement) Well, why don’t you help me, dear? After all, this is your vacation, too.
Toady: (sullenly) I don’t see why we have to go on some silly vacation anyway. I like it here. And besides—you’ve been gone a lot lately.
Headmistress Featheringill: I’ve told you, dear. School business. I did offer to take you with me on several occasions….
Toady: Hmmph!
Headmistress Featheringill: (gently) Don’t you want to go away? Just us? Getting away from this moldy old tomb of a school?
Toady: (muttering) I like it here.
Headmistress Featheringill: Are you afraid we’ll run into someone who knows you?
Toady: How could I? Most of my old friends don’t know that I’m—
Headmistress Featheringill: (firmly) Very grumpy. Come on now, love. Let’s pick a spot on the map, if that’s more to your liking. I don’t care—I just want to be away from here. No students, no professors, no papers to grade, no correspondence…. Just the two of us, footloose and fancy free.
Toady: (grudgingly) Anywhere?
Headmistress Featheringill: But of course! You pick, I’ll transport. Of course, we’ll have to pack.
Toady: (dryly, while looking down at his webbed toes) Done.
Headmistress Featheringill: Ah, well, I have to pack, at least. Perhaps a packing spell! Now, where did I—
Toady: No! No packing spells! The last time you tried one it packed up EVERYTHING in sight—including the garbage in the pail and your bunny slippers.
Headmistress Featheringill: (gaily) I rather enjoyed wearing them around St. Thomas.
Toady: Yeah? Well he seemed to find them pretty cute too!
Headmistress Featheringill: (wheedling now) Come on. Stop being a grouch--
Toady: (muttering) I’m not furry enough.
Headmistress Featheringill: And help me pick a spot. The sooner you pick, the sooner we’ll go.
Toady: (softening just a little) Will it really be just us? No wand phone? No fax in a bottle?
Headmistress Featheringill: Cross my heart. And I’m usually quite reliable.
Toady: (annoyed) And don’t think I don’t know it!
Headmistress Featheringill: (resting her hand lightly on the back of toady’s neck) Toady. We’ve been over this. There’s no sense making such a fuss.
Toady: Easy for you to say.
Headmistress Featheringill: But hard to watch.
(Toady looks up, his eyes hopeful.)
Toady: Really?
(For answer, Headmistress Featheringill leans forward and looks into his froggy eyes.)
Headmistress Featheringill: Don’t make me go alone, dear. It won’t be the same without you.
Toady: It won’t be the same if I go.
Headmistress Featheringill: (briskly) Well, we’ll just have to see, won’t we? Now….”
(She puts her hands over his eyes and he puts a finger down on the map. They both look at the map, then at each other.)
Toady: That’s, um, different.
Headmistress Featheringill: Yes it is. (mischievously) Want to go?
Toady: (throwing his hands up in surrender) Sure—why not. I’ll probably be sorry later.
Headmistress Featheringill: (smiling brightly) Yes, dear. But isn’t that better than being sorry now?