I am proud to present to you,
(Self congratulatory fanfare)
Part 2 of
FROGNAPPED!
INT.-BOARDING HOUSE-MORNING
C.U. of the alarm clock on the nightstand in Kermit’s bedroom, the time is 7:30 and the alarm is ringing.
PULL BACK to see Kermit in bed. He sits up, slaps the alarm clock to silence it, yawns and hops out of bed. He walks over to the door and opens it; the mayhem of the house explodes into view. Rats run along the banister right outside the door, Animal swings from the chandelier, chickens fill the air and Sweetums and Doglion run along the upper tier, batting away any chickens that come their way with tennis rackets. Kermit casually walks through the mess, toward the staircase. The is an explosion and Kermit ducks to avoid being hit by a flying Gonzo, without even breaking his stride. Another door opens and Robin comes out in his pajamas.
ROBIN
Good morning, Uncle Kermit.
KERMIT
(yawn)
Good morning, Robin.
ROBIN
That was a great movie. I wish I could have
stayed awake to see the end of it.
Floyd walks by going in the other direction.
KERMIT
Hey, Floyd.
FLOYD
How goes it?
KERMIT
Not so good. Animal is on the chandelier, again.
Could you go get him down before he breaks it.
FLOYD
I’ll get to it.
KERMIT
Great.
Floyd walks off.
KERMIT
(BORED SIGH)
ROBIN
Is somethin’ wrong, Uncle Kermit?
Kermit and Robin begin to make their way down the stairs.
KERMIT
Well, I don’t know. It just recently seems
like everything in my life has gotten a little
too predictable. Ya’ know?
ROBIN
Not really, but, I’m only five years old.
KREMIT
Well, I just think that…
They are joined at the bottom of the stairs by Fozzie.
FOZZIE
Morning, Kermit!
KERMIT
(CONT’D)
…,hi, Fozzie, my life’s gotten a little monotonous.
FOZZIE
Monotonous? Here? No offence, Kermit, but
that’s being just plain silly. It’s probably all in your head.
They stop in front of the kitchen, Kermit has his back to the doorway.
ROBIN
I think Fozzie’s right, it’s all in your head.
KERMIT
I don’t…duck…
No sooner do they duck than an OCTOPUS comes flying out of the kitchen and sticks to the wall behind them. They stand up as The Swedish Chef runs out of the kitchen after it, wielding his favorite meat cleaver and his blunderbuss. Kermit casually steps aside to avoid being run over.
KERMIT
(CONT’D)
…think so.
FOZZIE
Wow. Well, maybe all you need is a little breakfast.
Chef’s made these waffles that are…
Fozzie gives Kermit on a reassuring pat on the back.
FOZZZIE
(Cont'd)
…terrific.
KERMIT
(Unconvinced)
Yeah, maybe that’s all I need.
Kermit walks off, still looking a little down. Robin turns to a disheartened Fozzie.
ROBIN
I think what Uncle Kermit really needs is a vacation.
FOZZIE
To where? Where would you send a stressed
frog to relax?
ROBIN
I don’t know, someplace sunny. Someplace quiet.
Someplace that’s warm. Someplace that’s
away from it all.
Fozzie and Robin begin to stare off into space.
FOZZIE
Away from it all.
DISSOLVE TO
A purposely cheesy musical number featuring Kermit on vacation doing all kinds of fun and relaxing activities and singing about them the whole time. He is shown fishing, golfing, relaxing on a beach, scuba diving, riding his bike through a park, at a day spa, at a fancy restaurant, on the streets of Paris, taking a gondola ride in Venice, camping in the woods and, finally, in a hotel room enjoying a good book.
DISSOLE TO
Fozzie and Robin are still staring off into space. Pepe walks up and, after a few moments of looking confused, joins them.
PEPE
The ceiling’s not THAT interesting, okay.
Fozzie and Robin suddenly snap out of their daydream.
PEPE
Why was jou staring off into the La-La Lands
like that, Fotzie?
FOZZIE
We were trying to think of a place we could
send Kermit on a vacation.
PEPE
Ah! I think I could help jou with that. I know a great
travels agent, okay. Here’s his card.
Pepe pulls out a business card and hands it to Fozzie.
C.U. BUSINESS CARD
It reads:
Get-A-Way Travel Agency
Sending you on your way since 1976
Agent Phil A. Bologna
Call 1-800-555-SCAM
PEPE
The best parts is I get twenty dollars for every
ones I refer, okay.
Fozzie and Robin both look a little uncertain.
ROBIN
I not sure about this, Fozzie.
FOZZIE
Are you sure about this guy?
PEPE
Sure, sure, he’s a great guy. He can get, for jou,
transportation to anywheres you’d want to go, okay!
CUT TO
INT.-OFFICE-DAY
The office is small with only the desk of PHIL A. BOLOGNA in it in front of a large sign on the wall that reads the same as the business card. Phil is a cowardly snake in the grass with the demeanor of a used car salesman who looks like he’d be more comfortable walking around in his underwear than in the suit he’s wearing. He stands behind his desk with a wide grin on his face. Pepe, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rizzo and Robin stand in front of his desk looking a little out of place.
PHIL
I can get you transportation to anywhere you’d
want to go!
PEPE
Si, this is what I tells them, okay.
Phil suddenly goes from sickeningly happy to frighteningly angry.
PHIL
Can it, kiss up.
He suddenly shifts back to happy.
PHIL
So where can I send you today?
FOZZIE
Well, Mr. Baloney…
Phil is suddenly angry again.
PHIL
It’s Bo-LOG-na! Just because my name is spelled like the lunch-meat
doesn't mean it’s pronounced that way!
FOZZIE
Sorry!
RIZZO
(Whispering)
This guy’s off his nut.
GONZO
I know. And I thought I was crazy.
Phil takes a couple of deep breaths and regains his composure before putting on his freaky smile again.
PHIL
So, as I was saying, where can I send you today.
FOZZIE
Well, we were hoping to find a nice quiet place we
could send our friend on vacation.
PHIL
I know just the place!
Phil opens one of his desk drawers and pulls out a dusty brochure.
PHIL
The beautiful, sunny…
He slams the brochure on the desk, creating a cloud of dust and causing The Muppets to jump.
PHIL
…South Pole!
ROBIN
I think we should go somewhere else.
PHIL
Wait! I've got it!
He pulls out another brochure and slaps it down on the table.
PHIL
Tasmania!
The Muppets, minus Pepe, shake their heads. Phil pulls out another one and puts it on the desk.
PHIL
The Bermuda Triangle?
Phil begins to pull out brochure after brochure, getting more and more desperate and slumping lower and lower onto his desk with each one.
PHIL
Albuquerque! Moscow! The Sahara desert!
Loch Ness! Treasure Island! Munckinland!
The Underground City of the Mole People!
The lost city of Atlantis! Cleveland!
The Muppets, again minus Pepe, turn to leave. Phil continues to pull out brochures.
PHIL
(Hopelessly)
Pismo Beach? Sesame Street? Fort…Oh, never mind.
He slams his head down on the desk throws the brochure at the wall, it bounces off and lands right in front of Robin who picks it up. Robin turns back to Phil.
ROBIN
What’s this place?
Phil instantly perks up, but does not regain his happy-peppy attitude.
PHIL
What? Fort Bragg? It’s a town in Northern California.
I get a good deal at a rental car place there.
ROBIN
Well, it’s just what we we’re thinking of!
Fozzie takes the brochure from Robin.
FOZZIE
It is?
PHIL
(Surprised)
It is?
PEPE
Incredible, okay!
Phil suddenly hops up from his desk and regains his used car salesman demeanor.
PHIL
Well then! Let’s talk airfare.
Part 3 coming soon(er or later)!
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