The 5ive Present: The Muppet's vs. Las Vegas

[Beauregard]

For those who know the story this will be a cimatic event, the unveiling of the screenplay from many moons ago.

For those who don't, catch up here: http://forum.muppetcentral.com/showthread.php?t=4525

Who Framed Kermit the Frog became: Muppet Vs. Las Vegas, and it is finaly here for your enjoyment.

Created by The 5ive. Sarah_Yzma. Super Scooter. Beaurgeard (that's me folks). Salmoto. And Pezbulah.

This screenplay is brought to you by permission of all the writers...

 

[Beauregard]

The Muppet's Vs. Las Vegas


SCENE 1

The camera pans slowly across a crowded casino hall. A pack of rats in sailor outfits occupy one table with a real goldfish in a bowl playing, naturally, Go Fish. On another table, CHIP is the dealer, LINK, SCOOTER, POPS, J. P. GROSS and various human cameos including JOHN CLEESE and/or CHEVEY CHASE, are playing blackjack. There's a big payoff and everyone cheers, spilling poker chips everywhere. CLIFFORD wanders across the screen in the opposite direction carrying a bucket of poker chips.

CLIFFORD​

Gonna’ buy me a new bucket.​

Pans round to a penguin bartender serving penguin patrons drinks at a bar shaped like an iceberg.

PENGUIN 1​

I’ll have iced water!​

PENGUIN 2 (Bar tender)​

Here you are.​

A large chunk of ice flies out of the bar onto table.

VARIOUS PENGUINS​

Ha, ha, ha, ha.​

PENGUIN 1​

Well, excuse me for living.​

Finally, the panning ends at a location somewhere in the center of the casino, and draws into the stage area, where a puppet casually plays piano and JOHNNY FIAMMA finishes singing his patented song "Fly me To The Moon, But Stop in Vegas First." there's modest clapping around the stage and JOHNNY wipes his brow.

JOHNNY​

Thank you, thank you, don't forget to tip your
waitress......Next show in 20 minutes.​

SAL wanders on stage in the same outfit the waiters and dealers are wearing.

SAL​

Okay, Johnny, I got that nasty spill at table 13 under control, and I fired the guy who caused it.​

JOHNNY​

Great work, Sal. You can go home the rest of the night if you like, I had Mama bake you a nice banana-bread.​

SAL​

Really? Oh thanks Johnny, I really appreciate it, you done a lot for us lately and I'm just so glad that you--​

JOHNNY​

(Leans in close)​

Sal, get outta here.....​

SAL​

Right, Right....​

SAL walks off the stage. JOHNNY wanders down towards the piano but SAL runs back in.

SAL​

Johnny! Johnny!​

JOHNNY​

Sal, I thought I gave you the night off.​

SAL​

I know, but just as I was about to leave, some shady looking characters approached me in the parking lot. Said they wanted to see you.​

JOHNNY​

Well, send them in, and make yourself not so scarce.​

SAL​

You got it, Johnny.​

SAL walks away and JOHNNY is approached by a group of Muppets in white trenchcoats, shot from behind as to not reveal their identity.

MUPPET 1​

We’re here to let you in on a big score that’s about to go down. We need a talk with your boss.​

JOHNNY​

Waitaminnit, my boss?​

MUPPET 2 (Clueless Morgan)​

Yeah, you know, your Don, your consigliore, your poobah.​

JOHNNY​

Hey, that’s just a sad stereotype, now you guys get out of here ‘fore I call the boss that gets you thrown out of this casino.​

The thugs walk off. As they pass a table where Scooter is sat they dump an open newspaper in front of him. On the open page an advertisement is circled in blue pen.

SAL returns carrying a carton of donuts, one in his hand and a little strawberry frosting on his lips.

JOHNNY​

Sal, where’d you go off to?​

SAL​

To get the donuts like you said.​

JOHNNY​

I didn’t say nothing.​

SAL​

Sure you did, “Make yourself not so scarce” means that you want me to go out and get donuts.​

JOHNNY​

That’s not a code, it means what it sounds like: I want you to stay here.​

SAL​

Oh​

(beat)​

Want an apple fritter?​

CUT TO:

 

[G-MAN]

Oh, man this is good.

 

[Whatever]

It's good! I like it! I want some more of it!
I love me some Penguins!

 

[Beauregard]

SCENE 2

(Note: Opening credits fall over this scene.)

EXT-SUMMERS DAY-OUTSIDE KERMIT’S HOUSE-BIRDS SING

KERMIT’s house is a bright house that looks very much like the boarding house from MUPPET’S FROM SPACE. It has a front lawn with a path through the middle of it. On either side of the lawn are green bushes. A neighbour is clipping one of these. At the front of his house is a small porch. Various Muppets are walking down the street and driving past in cars. There are various Muppet Chickens and Penguins and a Muppet Cow next door on the lawn.

KERMIT steps out onto his porch and looks around. He yawns and walks carefreely down toward his mailbox

KERMIT​

Hmmm. Wow! It's a gorgeous day. And soon we will start our show again down at the Pollywog café. Yep everything is fine and dandy.

KERMIT​

(sings)​

What a wonderful day it is today...
Happy faces smiling,
The bluebirds calling out to say,
(joined by surrounding creatures and Muppets)
"Oh, what a beautiful day!"

(by himself)​

The day is going well.
So many things to say, to ask
How you doin' Mel?

​

MEL is the neighbour clipping the hedge, a female puppet with gardening clothes on. OR MEL GIBSON with a large straw hat on.

MEL​

Oh, fine.

KERMIT​

All the people and creatures around you...
Oh, the people that you meet.
So many friendly, smiling faces
And warmth as you greet.

Oh, the nightlife may be neat
Some would say it grand!
But here we go, another day going
Take it band!
​

Instrumental played mainly by neighbour with the hedge clippers, and by other various Muppets with makeshift instruments up and down the street, such as a street sweeper with his brush, and a window cleaner with his ladder etc, while KERMIT dances about.

KERMIT​

Sometimes could be better
Oh, the things that we know!
But, what's the point to better
When we have a day like this to show!

(joined by surrounding
creatures and Muppets)​

One beautiful day!

(by himself)​

Gorgeous and serine!

(joined by surrounding creatures and Muppets)​

One beautiful day!

(by himself)​

For every mammal, bird, and

(a fish drives past in a taxi and
KERMIT shrugs his shoulders)​

sardine!
Oh, one fine day
So much to do
One more day
To sing with you.
​

He collects his letters as the song ends and finds one particular letter.

KERMIT​

Bills, bills, ah. This looks interesting.

(opens letter)​

Dear Mr. The Frog, I regret to inform you that I have recently discovered that you will be framed for counterfeiting in the near, near future! Please, please, please try to figure this out before it happens. Your friend, J.Henson.

Who's J. Henson? Er,

(reading again)​

"P.S. I've got a few pointers for you on your back swing. Try to keep it more loose?" What the-?
​

Before KERMIT can finish his sentence, GONZO comes falling out of the sky and lands next to him. GONZO stands up laughing. He is wearing his GONZO the great clothes and his cape is on fire.

GONZO​

Whoo-hoo! Hahahaha! That was amazing. That has got to be the furthest distance I've made with a cannon in years! Hahahaha! Whoo! Oh, hi Kermit. What's new? Ha ha!

KERMIT​

Er, Gonzo? What are you doing?

GONZO​

My heart's racing at an un-imaginable pace! Ha ha ha ha!

KERMIT​

Er, Gonzo, your cape is on fire!

GONZO​

Hmm? Oh, I know. It's for effect. Ha ha ha ha!
​

GONZO rushes into the house and emerges moments later with ordinary clothes on.

KERMIT​

Yeesh! Well, anyway, Gonzo, I need you to go find Rizzo and tell him to meet me at the Pollywog cafe. Er, I need to talk to you too.

GONZO​

Oh, no problem, Kermit. I'll get right on it. What’s up?

KERMIT​

Well I got a weird letter.

GONZO​

Weird, huh, maybe I’m related! Ha, ha.

KERMIT​

Can you go and get Rizzo?

GONZO​

Oh yes. But first, I wonder if I can hit the chimney!!! Ha ha ha ha!

GONZO runs off.

KERMIT​

Yeesh! I'd better call Fozzie about this.
​

KERMIT walks back into his house.

CUT TO

SCENE 3

SHOT OF NEWSPAPER

Picture of a large mansion. The caption underneath reads: "Looking for: Go-fer who won't ask questions. Just look for this building!" SCOOTER lowers the paper to reveal a rather small, down-trodden house.

SCOOTER​

For some reason, I pictured it looking a little bigger.​

CUT TO

INT. DARK ROOM

All that can be seen is a desk and a chair. No one can be seen in the room except a hand stroking a white cat that is sat on the arm of the chair. There is a KNOCK at the door and SCOOTER peeks his head in.

SCOOTER​

​

Er, excuse me?

MAN​

​

(unseen)​

Yes, what is it?

SCOOTER​

​

Hi, I'm Scooter. I'm your new go-fer.

MAN​

​

Go-fer? You don't even look like a go- oh, yes! The go-fer I put the ad out for. Come in.​

SCOOTER enters and sits down at the desk. He is quite obviously smaller than the desk, and can barely look over it when he sits down. He looks round the edge and sees the cat. SCOOTER can't help but stare as the man strokes the fur on the cat's back.

MAN​

Um, what do you think you looking at?

SCOOTER​

Hmmm? Oh, uh, I think that cat is... I think it's staring at me.

MAN​

I think that's because you're staring at Mr. Schnookums.

SCOOTER​

... OH! Sorry. Well, I just think that I could get kind of- AH-CHOOOOO!!!

MAN​

What about me?

SCOOTER​

Huh?

MAN​

You said, "I could get kind of... something something... at you." You could get what at me?

SCOOTER​

Oh, no! I sneezed, I'm allergic to cats.

MAN​

Ri-ght. So, shall we get back to our interview now?

SCOOTER​

Didn't we already do that?

MAN​

(impatient)​

What now about my cat?

SCOOTER​

Nothing. I said that.

MAN​

Look, it is only here as a brief reference to 006 and a half.

SCOOTER​

Oh, in that case, we had better get on with the real movie.

MAN​

(still unseen)​

Quite. Okay, Scooter, you have two hands I assume?

SCOOTER​

Er, yeah? I... suppose so.

MAN​

Welcome aboard, Scooter. You're our new go-fer.

SCOOTER​

Beg pardon?

MAN​

You're our new go-fer.

SCOOTER looks around kind of awkwardly.

SCOOTER​

Er, isn't that a little fast?

MAN​

Fast? No, no, no, Mr. Scooter. In this line of work, fast is imperative.

(muttering)​

If one could convince one’s wife that, things would be...

SCOOTER​

Er, okay. Um, could I make a suggestion?

MAN​

Yes, what is it?

SCOOTER​

Er, if I'm going to be coming in here frequently, could you get a lower desk?

MAN​

(angry)​

What? My desk is fine.

He slams hand down on cat’s tail and the cats yelps and runs off.

MAN​

Wait, wait, Schnookums. Come back, Daddy isn’t angry at you. Schnookums!!!
​

CUT TO

 

[Whatever]

Ooh, suspense. I loved the part with Gonzo!

 

[Beauregard]

Trivia for the day: The opening song, out of interest, was entirely by Super Scooter.

And trivia 2: Salmoto wrote the entire first scene, except the exchange with the penguins.

 

[theprawncracker]

This is awesome Beau can't wait for more!

 

[Beauregard]

Ok. An extra scene due to popular yelling.

__


SCENE 4

INT-KITCHEN-DAY

The kitchen is slightly messy. There are joke books on the counters and there is a phone on the wall.

EMILY BEAR is fussing around the kitchen.

EMILY BEAR​

​

(To camera while cleaning the mess)​

I'll tell ya, I am so happy. My son has finally made it into show biz. One of his childhood dreams come true. It’s been one of my dreams too...

(beat)​

Anything to get Fozzie out’a here for a while so I can clean up this mess.
​

Door BURSTS open to reveal FOZZIE BEAR complete with large glasses and fake nose (Like in TMM) in his hand is a joke book.

FOZZIE​

​

Haaaa! Hey, Ma! Just listen to this joke: Why didn't the piglet like his teacher? Give up? Because she was such a BOAR!

(beat)​

Get it? Bore, like boredom? Boar, like hog? HAAAA! WOCKA WOCKA!!...”

EMILY BEAR​

​

Yer, I get it.

(beat)​

I wish I could give it back.

FOZZIE​

​

Oh, wait, wait, wait! I’ve got another one. Ah! What do you cook MY food in? Give up? A WOK-a WOK-a! Ah! Get it? Wocka Wocka! Like, the chinese frying pan? Oh, I am so FUN-NEE! Oh, oh, and, what do you get when you cook a pig in a wok? Give up? Chop Sooey! Ah! Oh, I got a million more just like it!
​

FOZZIE BEAR walks out the back door

EMILY BEAR​

​

See what I mean?
​

Phone RINGS

EMILY BEAR picks up phone

EMILY BEAR​

​

Hello, Bear residence.

(beat)​

No, Bear with a B.

(beat)​

Oh, Hello Kermit.

(beat)​

No, he just ran through and told some kind of a pig joke.

(beat)​

What's the matter, Froggie? You sound kinda’ green

(beat)​

Well, if I can get him to put that rubber chicken down long enough, I'll tell him.

(beat)​

You take care too, Kermit. Bye now.
​

EMILY BEAR hangs up phone

EMILY BEAR​

​

He's a cute lizard.
(beat)
Fozzie! Fozzie!
​

FOZZIE BEAR comes in the door with a rubber chicken

FOZZIE​

​

Hey, Ma. Check this out!

(To rubber chicken)​

Hey, who was that girl I saw you with last night?
​

FOZZIE shakes chicken and changes his voice to pretend the chicken answers

FOZZIE​

​

That was no girl, that was a tire!' Wocka, Wocka, get it, Tire, Rubber!!!

EMILY BEAR​

​

That was unBEARable.

FOZZIE​

​

Ok, three rubber chickens walk into a bar...

EMILY BEAR​

​

Look Fozzie can’t you be sensible?

(beat)​

What a stupid question. I should know him better than that. Fozzie, Kermit called. He wants to meet you down at the Pollywog café.”

FOZZIE​

​

Why didn’t you say so?
​

FOZZIE BEAR runs out side, then slips his head back through the cat flap.

FOZZIE​

Wait a minute you just DID say so. Ahhh.
​

FOZZIE BEAR pulls his head out of the cat flap and GAFFER runs through the kitchen and out the cat flap after him.

EMILY BEAR​

​

Sometimes he’s too much to BEAR.

CUT TO



Trivia Spot: This scene was the only scene which had the Fozzie dialouge tweaked by our very own Fozzie Bear!!!! Specifically the line: "Wish Icould give it back." and "A Woc-a!"

 

[theprawncracker]

Ahh! That's funny!

Heh, that's my Fozzie impression. I know you probably can't tell since I'm typing it and all but...