Moaning over MWoO
Moaning Over MWoO
Overall, the Muppets were an upbeat group. Often, they were also an offbeat group. Occasionally, they were also a beat up group, particularly when someone made a crack about Piggy, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing to remember, is that overall, the Muppets were an upbeat group…
…but even they sometimes have one of “those” days.
Fozzie pushed through the doors to the studios cafeteria, driven by his angrily rumbling tummy and his desire to escape the clutches of the makeup artists and costumers who had been trailing him all morning, salivating like starving wolves with an obsession for primping. Well, not really, but that’s how it felt to Fozzie. He waved at Gonzo and Rowlf who were sitting at a table with Kermit. They returned the wave, speaking to Kermit, who raised his hand in greeting without turning around.
Fozzie moved forward but, unfortunately, the double doors swung shut on Fozzie’s “tail” pulling it tight and snapping him back sharply. Hours of playing the cowardly lion had gotten him into a jittery mood and Fozzie startled and yelled as he regained his balance, causing faces both familiar and unfamiliar, to spin around to him in alarm.
Heat blossomed in the bear’s cheeks. “Heh. Just uh, getting into character there, folks! Nothing to see, nothing to see! Um… you, you have all gone blind! Um…wocka, wocka?” The lunching cast and crew continued to stare at him, some looking perplexed as they tried to work out where the joke had been.
“Was he kidding?”
“I… I don’t think so.”
“But he said, wocka wocka.”
“Yeah, he did say that, didn’t he?”
“That’s that thing he says after a punch line, right?”
“Yeah, what does it mean anyway?”
“No idea.”
“Well, I always thought it had to do with woks.”
“Woks? Like, those things you cook with?”
“Sure. I’ve always thought woks were very funny.”
“Woks?”
“Sure. Don’t you?”
“Not especially.”
“Maybe it’s Italian for “you can laugh now.””
“Italian? Why would he speak Italian.”
“Isn’t he Italian?”
“I always thought he was Polish.”
And so the conversation in the room rotated back from Fozzie’s embarrassment to his ethnic background and gradually, to everyone’s ethnic background, releasing him from his humiliation induced paralysis.
Still blushing furiously, yet invisibly, Fozzie fetched a tray and some lunch and then headed to the table. "If they're gonna make fun of me, they could at least laugh!"
He complained, dropping heavily into the empty chair beside Kermit, who wasn’t looking at all like himself, literally or metaphorically. Fozzie’s friend and mentor seemed distinctly crabby in fact, looking as much like an irritated crustacean as a frog could look. He was also bearing some resemblance to a scarecrow, or more precisely, the results of a mad genetic mélange of a scarecrow and a frog.
Kermit smiled perfunctorily at his best friend, and dropped the smile immediately thereafter, digging moodily at the straw jammed out of his collar.
“I look stupid in this, don’t I?”
“Absolutely!”
Rowlf gave Kermit a steadying, sympathetic look. “I think what Gonzo meant to say was, ‘You’re probably supposed to, seeing as how you’re not supposed to have a brain.”
“That’s what I said!” Gonzo protested. Kermit scrunched his face up at the Whatever, who was looking even stranger than usual thanks to the tireless efforts of the costuming and makeup teams.
“Gonzo’s right, Kermit. You are the scarecrow after all,” Fozzie echoed reasonably. Though well-meaning, he was somewhat distracted with the trying task of getting food to his mouth without taking pieces of his costume with it. He wished he’d been allowed to get out of it for awhile.
“Yeah, don’t remind me. This itches! And I don’t think frogs were meant to wear overalls.”
“At least you don’t have a tail, or one of these hair things on your head.”
“You mean a mane?” Gonzo asked, as if there was another option.
“Yeah, one of those.” Fozzie put down his fork and brushed the strands back from his face with both hands. I don’t know how lions do it!”
“I’ve heard that the trick is to keep the mane thing the main thing.” Rowlf deadpanned. Fozzie looked up sharply, then laughed in appreciation as Kermit shook his head with a wry smile.
“Rowlf,” Kermit complained, but much of his bad humour had evaporated. The gentle eyed dog grinned back, visibly pleased with his success, before resuming munching.
“Well, I don’t see what the problem is!” Gonzo declared, inadvertently undoing some of Rowlf’s efforts. “I think these costumes are great!”
Kermit sighed, and Fozzie rushed to respond before he could get cranky again. “Gonzo, you’re wrapped from head to toe in metal… isn’t that uncomfortable?”
The Whatever beamed, “Absolutely! The best part is the big jagged piece that’s digging into my side!”
“Oh, brother.” Fozzie sighed.
“You can’t beat the costuming service here!”
Kermit scrunched his face up in annoyance. “Gonzo, normal people don’t…” He stopped and thought about that for a moment. “Never mind,” the frog sighed, staring down at his lunch and picking at it with a marked lack of enthusiasm.
An unsettled quietness settled over the table, made all the more pronounced in the noisy, bustling hall. Fozzie looked around uneasily and started when he realized both Gonzo and Rowlf were looking at him significantly. He swallowed and stared until Gonzo gestured stiffly with his head towards the sulking amphibian.
“Um… Kermit… are you okay?”
The frog looked at him in surprise, and then took in the expressions of his tablemates. “Oh. Gee, I’m sorry. I’m fine, really.” He looked straight into Fozzie’s eyes as he reassured them. “It’s… it’s just turning out to be a rough shoot.” He looked down again, poking at the cold spaghetti.
Fozzie turned to face him, extending a large furry hand to his best friend’s slight shoulder. “Listen, frog of my heart, we’re all in this together.” Kermit tipped his head up, a trace of a smile appeared and genuine warmth suffused in his eyes. “Filming is always tough, but we’ll get through it. Don’t worry… it’s early yet. Things will get easier.”
The sudden presence of rhythmic Spanish chanting told them instantly it wasn’t going to get easier anytime soon.
Kermit did not turn around to see the shrimp, excuse me, king prawn, hovering at the exact physical closeness to be the most irritating as crustaceanly possible. “Pepe,” he said in a voice that was closer to ‘lament’ then ‘conversational’, “I am not in the mood right now.”
“You’re about to be, hokay,” the little four-armed creature announced confidently, “because although, I, Pepe, find it a completely disgusting thing it goes without saying, still, there’s a certain I don’t know que about a woman in the leather, si?”
Kermit began rubbing his temples in little circular motions. “Pepe, I have no idea what you’re talking about, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know.”
“Oh, yes jou do… because I am talking about Miss Piggy, hokay. Jour one true love, alright.”
Kermit sighed. “Pepe, Piggy and I are just-“
“No, no, no, don’t try to make the denials. Now, I admit, I did not understand how such a thing could happen with a pig and a Kermin the frog, but now… with the leather, hokay, I am beginning to see the light of day, jou know.” Fozzie repressed a slight shudder as Pepe laughed lecherously, clearly waiting for Kermit to ask him to clarify. It was just as clear to Fozzie that Kermit had no intention of asking Pepe anything.
“Pepe, what are you talking about?” Gonzo asked, when things started to get unbearably awkward as opposed to merely extremely awkward, which they were all accustomed to.
“Oh, so now you want to know?” Pepe asked, milking it for all he was worth. “Because, you see, to me it seems like Kermin is not interested to hear what Pepe is saying and I would not want to be bothering him when-”
Kermit threw his hands up in exasperation. “Fine!” He spun and fixed the little shrimp with a hard look. “Pepe! What are you talking about?”
He opened his mouth to reply, but suddenly tensed in excitement. “Dios mios, she’s coming,” he breathed, staring past them and muttering in Spanish.
Rowlf and Gonzo’s jaws dropped open. Kermit lifted his head up, but did not turn. Fozzie did, and immediately blushed and reached for his hat to hide his face. He wasn’t wearing it however, and so had to content himself with burying his head in his hands. Kermit registered their reactions and studiously avoided turning. In didn’t help that the noise level in the room had suddenly dipped dramatically into titillated murmurs.
“Piggy?” Kermit asked with admirable calm.
Rowlf, recovering first, nodded. “Yep. She’s um, in costume.”
“I’ve seen her as the Wicked Witch of the East, is she-?”
“Oh, she is definitely being a very, very wicked witch, hokay. Oh, I love it when the womens are naughty.”
“Out of my way, seafood special!” Miss Piggy growled as she approached, knocking Pepe out of the way with a thoughtlessness that revealed she had not heard his comment. Heedless of the stares, or perhaps, merely accustomed to the attention, Piggy snagged a chair from another table and settled herself in very close to Kermit.
There was no not looking at her now.
Kermit’s mouth fell open as he took in the skin tight black leather, round metal studs, low neckline, striking dark wig and intimidating eye patch. It had suddenly gotten very warm in that building... very warm, and very hard to breathe.
If Piggy was aware of the effect she was having on every man in the room, or even the effect she was having on her treasured frog, she gave no sign. “Oh, Kermie,” she moaned plaintively, “Vous would not believe what these costumers are putting moi through!”
Pepe had gathered himself off the floor and brazenly wriggled between the pig and the frog. “And Miss Piggy, you would not believe what they are putting me through, hokay.” Kermit, though he said nothing, was inclined to agree with Pepe’s assessment. “Perhaps we should explore these effects toge-“
“Do you mind?!” Piggy snarled, backhanding him with enough force to send him sliding across the floor.
Pepe sat up groggily, but it took a lot to stop him from chattering. “Normally, yes, I would think that this would disturb me immensely alright, but for some reason, right now, it is driving me wild.
She turned luminous, shocked eyes towards the little creature. “I beg your pardon?!”
Pepe shuddered, but never lost his slick smile. “Oh, and she’s into the begging, now also. It is always this way with the king prawns and the womens, hokay.” He dragged his eyes away from the outraged Piggy in pleather to the less tantalizing sight of Kermit, who looked like he wanted to crawl under the table. “Uh, Kermin, if you were suddenly to become not available with the naughty lady here, I just want jou to know, Pepe would make sure she is well taken care of, alright.”
Kermit tried to call the shrimp to order but found that his throat had gone too dry to speak. Piggy evidently did not have the same problem.
“Gonzo,” she said sweetly. “Do you happen to have a long metal rod? Moi am suddenly in the mood for shrimp shish kabob.” The eyes of every male around the table widened under her angelic gaze.
“Oh, dios mios,” Pepe sighed, dropping to the floor again.
Satisfied, Piggy turned back to her frog. “Oh, Kermie, these…” she trailed off, giving him a long look, taking in the plaid shirt, overalls and straws sticking out every which way. “What did they do to you?!”
“Their jobs,” he muttered. “They costumed me, Piggy. Just like-“ his voice cracked a bit and he gestured to her own apparel. “Just like you, just like everyone.”
“Well, I know that, frog,” she snapped back without any real heat. “But this…” she tugged lightly at a piece of straw. “This is the death of fashion. I mean, even vous can’t make this look good,” her voice took on a sultry tone and the room temperature jumped five degrees. “And you always look good to moi”
Kermit brushed her hand back irritably. “Yeah, well, you look terrifying.”
Piggy’s face broke into a bright smile. “Why thank you, Kermie!” He gave her a grumpy look. “Moi am sure that was the point.”
“Well, I for one, think you look fabulous, Piggy!” Gonzo interjected cheerfully. “I’ve never met a woman who didn’t look sexy with an eye patch.”
She shot him a look that could have dropped a moose from a half a mile away. He loved it, of course.
“I wonder if I could convince Camilla-”
“So, Kermie, don’t you want to hear about my morning?”
“Well-”
“Good,” she said firmly. “So first I had to spend two and a half hours under a house with this hideous wig on my head, all messed up. I mean, moi wouldn’t be caught dead with moi’s hair looking like road kill-”
“Um… correct the dog here if he’s wrong, but wasn’t your character crushed to death by a trailer?”
“Yeah, so? House, trailer, same difference.”
“No, no, you’re missing my point, which is that you were, in fact, caught dead looking like, oh, never mind.” Rowlf gave up with a little shrug, and Piggy continued ranting happily.
“And then, costume change, into that white dress, the one that reminds of my old dress… you remember that one, Kermie, you said you liked it so I wore it everywhere.” Kermit nodded and Piggy smiled and kept steamrolling along. “Now that wasn’t so bad, except that I had to be lavishing attention on all these hideous rats-”
Rizzo appeared out of nowhere. “Hey, it wasn’t no Sunday picnic for us either there, Princess. I had ta get smooched by a pig!” He leaned over to Kermit, but spoke loud enough for them all to hear. “And, I’m telling ya, man, I can see where you’re coming from.”
Piggy sent him flying into Pepe, where the two immediately began comparing notes.
“Where was I? Oh, yes, the film! So then they tell me I’ve got to get into the Wicked Witch of the West costume and get the wig on and everything, and moi told them that by the time moi was properly appareled it would be time to break for lunch. Honestly, it’s just been so inefficient… are vous listening to moi?”
Kermit sighed. “Yes, Piggy, I’m listening. And I’m not really feeling-“
“Oh, of course you are, mon capitan! You’ve always been such a good listener.”
“Well, thanks, Piggy, but-”
“But, of course, they are professionals and know what they are doing, never mind that the only person professional about dressing moi is moi!” Fozzie’s eyes widened and he decided to try not to think about that. He reapplied himself to his food with gusto, and was instantly confronted by the mane conundrum. He sighed helplessly, and Piggy shot him a piercing glance. He shivered… she really was terrifying in that get up. His uneasiness turned to outright alarm as she stood suddenly and marched around Kermit. A little whimper escaped his throat as she took hold of his head.
“Piggy, what are you-“ Kermit half rose in alarm, and she sent him a reproving look. Then, with neat efficiency, she yanked four bobby pins out of her hair and pinned back Fozzie’s mane. He touched the pins and sent her a surprised and grateful smile. Piggy didn’t acknowledge it, but when she took up her seat again, there was a sparkle in her eyes as she resumed her complaint.
“So, moi got into this costume… and have you boys gotten a good look at this thing?” They had, in fact, and Pepe had not taken his eyes off of it since her arrival, but that didn’t stop her from standing and turning around. Still standing, she set one leg up on the chair and ran her hands over the skin tight leather from her ankle to mid thigh. “Look at this!” she exclaimed.
“Oh, we are, hokay.” Pepe murmured, the only one of them still capable of speech.
“Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get into something like this? Can you imagine how much wiggling I had to do?” Kermit made a strangled sound and Gonzo put his head in his hands.
“I need a girlfriend,” Rowlf sighed.
Fozzie continued shoveling food into his unobstructed mouth.
Piggy sighed plaintively. “It’s tough being a diva sometimes.”
Kermit sighed. “It’s tough being anyone sometimes. She blinked in surprise at the melancholy in his voice.
“Kermie? Are you alri-“
“I’m fine. I’ve gotta get going now.” He looked at her face, but didn’t quite meet her eyes. “I hope the rest of your day goes better. See ya, Fozzie, Rowlf, Gonzo… Piggy.” He gave a little wave at them, another for Rizzo and Pepe, then turned away from them.
Piggy watched with a troubled frown as Kermit dragged himself listlessly out of the cafeteria. “Kermie’s really in the doldrums, isn’t he?”
They all nodded, Fozzie plucked uneasily at his costume, spoke softly. “He’ll be alright. The hours have been really long, and I don’t think he’s really enthusiastic about this film.”
Rowlf nodded, “It isn’t turning out to be quite what he had hoped it would be.”
Piggy sighed, the anxiety in her eyes only partially deferred by the unnerving eye patch. “I’ve hardly seen him lately. It’s been so busy, with four different roles.” She made no emphasis on the multiple roles for once, her energy focused elsewhere. Finally, Piggy looked seriously at Fozzie, and then looked over to include Gonzo and Rowlf. “You will keep an eye on him, won’t you, boys?”
“Of course, we will!” Gonzo insisted, a trace of offense in his voice at the implication that they wouldn’t. Piggy smiled warmly at him.
“I know… I just needed to hear it.”
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Ashanti slid a hand lovingly across Kermit’s cheek as she, acting as Dorothy, thanked him for his encouragement. Out of the blue, Piggy stormed on to the set without a care for the scene she’d just ruined. “Keep those mitts off my frog, Britney!”
Startled, Ashanti pulled back quickly to face the angry pig. “It’s Ashanti,” she muttered in annoyance. Piggy didn’t care one whit for that either.
“Piggy, you just ruined the take!” Kermit protested, bewildered. “What are you doing?!” She snagged by his less than fetching plaid shirt and hauled him against her chest possessively.
“You’re MY frog,” she growled, staring deeply into his astonished eyes. “Nothing, no movie, and no one, will EVER change that.” Still, clutching him fiercely, Piggy turned a hard expression towards the singer. “And you!” Her voiced dropped threateningly, “You do remember our little conversation earlier?”
“You mean the rat heads in my bed?”
Piggy smiled angelically; the promise in her eyes however, was anything but angelic. “I know people. I know rats. I can make it happen, sweetie. Don’t forget that.”
Kermit tried to wriggle his way free, already apologizing. “Oh, I’m sorry about this, Ashanti. Piggy’s just- oof!”
Miss Piggy got a better grip and swung him away. “Mine!” she growled at him savagely. Kermit flushed warm from head to toe, staring at her leather clad form. Jealousy and possessiveness was one thing, but it had been quite a while since she’d acted THIS crazy.
He felt oddly okay with it.
Rizzo approached them looking decidedly cautious. He did not get within arms reach of Piggy. “Um… Miss Piggy, about putting rat head’s in Ashanti’s bed… will bodies be attached?” Kermit snorted softly at the hope in the question, biting his froggy lips tightly to repress a sudden surge of mirth. Piggy dropped the fiery glare and turned to give him an appraising look.
“Feeling better?” she said softly. He pulled back as far as he was able in surprise, then gazed at her searchingly.
A thousand things rushed forward that he wanted to say, but mindful of the audience, he settled for a faint smile and a “Yes.” Piggy grinned wryly, and Kermit knew that she understood that he understood.
“Good,” she said simply, then pulled him in for a resounding kiss that left him weak-kneed, and gasping.
“Piggy,” he groaned crankily before he’d quite recovered, scrunching his face up. There was a spark of humour in her eyes, and he suspected strongly that there was an answering spark reluctantly gleaming in his own. She let him go.
“Remember, keep your hands off my frog!” Piggy growled one last time at Ashanti before striding away, dark tresses flying as she turned the corner and disappeared without a glance back.
Kermit watched after her until she was out of sight, before turning back to the scene, his heart suddenly much lighter than it had been minutes ago. “Let’s take it again, shall we?” He turned towards Ashanti. “Why don’t we humour her for now, and I’ll just give your hand a squeeze, hmm?”
The singer shrugged, “Fine with me. I don’t need no rat heads in my bed.”
“Oh, good,” Kermit said with an easy smile. Fozzie and Gonzo exchanged relieved glances. Pepe caught the look and then eyed Kermit. As usual, there was absolutely no barriers between his thoughts and his mouth.
“Do jou know what I think, Kermin?”
“I don’t… and I like it that way, Pepe.”
That didn’t make much of impression on the prawn.
“I think, jou are definitely beginning to see the upside to having jour girlfriend the pig in the leather, hokay. That’s what I think about all of this.”
“Whatever you say, Pepe.” Kermit said simply, shaking his head.
“Jou know what I also think Kermin the frog? I think that Pepe has just lost his chances with the pig, alright. Ah, ‘tis a very great pity, it is.”
The director called for places as soon as they had reset the cameras, and Kermit took up his mark. Just before the director called for action, he said very quickly and very softly. “Pepe, you can’t lose what you never had… and something’s you just can’t lose.”
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