Heeeeeeeeey youuuuuuuuuu guuuuuuuuuuys!
Hey, what up? How ya doing? Sooooooo....we've come to this. You know Gins has got more ideas that Piggy has designer dresses, so thought I'd throw another one at you. I literally think I came up with this idea because of the beginning and had to write down. This was going to be a stand alone one shot, but once I came up with the ideas for The Muppets Season 2, this kinda started to slot itself into a season 3 type scenario. Anyway, I has this and like two more stories to share with y'all for Christmas and then I will hopefully have something brand spanking new for the new year!
Story Summary - Piggy goes away and leaves Kermit and the boys to house-sit. Hilarity ensues.
Without further ado, I present -
First Guys Club
Thursdays were usually the last day for taping on
Up Late with Miss Piggy. The show normally ran Monday through Thursday, giving both cast and crew the opportunity for a three-day weekend before needing to come back to work on Monday. This Monday however was a holiday and right before the start of their summer vacations, so executive producer Kermit the Frog had deemed the Wednesday before their last show before they returned after the summer.
This worked out perfectly for much of the Muppet cast. The summer offered up a ton of different opportunities – from making another movie to working on side gigs or, heaven forbid, having actual vacations. For her, the star of
Up Late had a standing commitment to former employer Vogue to be a part of their New York fashion week that would start that following week.
Kermit: [on confession cam]
Piggy does these Vogue fashion weeks twice a year, depending on our own schedule. It was part of the deal of her leaving and coming back to the Muppets. She’s been doing this for a while now, so she usually asks if I can watch her place while she’s gone. And because sometimes I might get bored by myself, I usually invite one or two of the guys to come by to keep me company. Which…has led to some…mishaps.
Currently, Kermit stood in the diva’s living room, along with head writer Gonzo the Great, announcer/co-host Fozzie Bear, and Tavern bar owner and former cast member Rowlf the Dog. Miss Piggy had gathered the group together, knowing it was pointless to just invite the frog when the other three would be following suit, and was running down what would have seemed to be last minute instructions to those house-sitting her house.
“Before Moi forgets,” she replied, grabbing a piece of paper from the nearby coffee table and handing it to Gonzo. “This is for you.”
“What is it?” asked Fozzie, leaning over to see what Gonzo now held in his hands.
“Your obligatory list of what you can and cannot do in Moi’s house,” came the answer. “Now, Moi has asked Uncle Deadly to stop by just to make sure you haven’t all died in the night or worse, destroyed something in here.”
“Hey!” Gonzo exclaimed, reading over the list. It was an instructional list, typical dos and don’ts for the house, however most of the list were definite
don’ts and while it was just one piece of paper, the diva’s list ran both front and back.
“I resent number three on here.”
“Do you deny it?” the diva countered.
“No,” the head writer said, squirming slightly under the star’s gaze. That little incident, while involving him, certainly hadn’t been
started by him, so yes, he was going to take offense. Of course, he hadn’t exactly
stopped it and had been more
encouraging than
discouraging… “But I heavily resent it. Look, why don’t you just put Kermit in charge like you always do? Or Rowlfie here?”
“See, normally Moi would do exactly that,” she said, with a slight smile on her face. “Because Kermit and Rowlf are probably the most responsible people we know.”
And that was true. There was a reason they all looked up to both the frog and dog in their little group. Not only were they the most responsible, but they both carried an air of leadership, captains able to handle anything that could come up on their little ship and still make sure it and their crew made it through the storm.
The downside to that was, like any member of their ilk, they were highly susceptible to the infectious shenanigans that often happened when you put a group of performers together for roughly thirty-aught years: certain combinations were more trouble than they were worth. Case in point…
“However…when they throw
you two into the mix,” she continued, gesturing between both Gonzo and Fozzie. “Everything seems to fall apart.”
Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were best friends. Together with Gonzo the Great, they were the three best friends that anyone could ever have. Throw in Rowlf the Dog and one would think they were the four musketeers, which in some ways was true. But unlike the musketeers, having the four of them together usually meant they were up to something that defied explanation. Piggy would never forget the time – many times, actually – she had walked into the frog’s apartment and found him, Rowlf, and Fozzie trying to stuff Gonzo into a gaudy white sequined dress.
“That is totally not true!” exclaimed Fozzie. Things did
not fall apart around them. They just sorta…didn’t stay together sometimes.
“Absolutely not,” Gonzo agreed.
“Mon Capitan, oui ou non?”
Kermit, who had been quiet this entire time, merely shrugged. They had been doing this for a while a now and if there was one thing he had learned within the past year, it was to stop avoiding the inevitable, especially when it came to his friends and double that when it came to Piggy.
“Oui,” he answered.
Piggy then turned her gaze to Rowlf.
“I can’t confirm or deny any event in which I was not in full participation of,” he said.
A quick succession of knocks on the door interrupted them before it opened, revealing associate producer Scooter Grosse walking, laptop bag across his shoulders and rolling a small duffel bag behind him. His eyes widen slightly when he saw that Piggy was there. “Hey,” he said, nodding to the quartet before looking at the diva. “You still here?”
Instead of answering, the diva turned to the group in front of her. “You brought the boy in?”
This time, it was the comic who shrugged. “Well,” he said. “We hardly ever hang out with Scooter, so…”
“Oh well then,” she began, taking the list she had given Gonzo and tossing it aside. She then went back to the coffee table and grabbed yet another list, once again handing it to the writer. “Vous is gonna need this list then.” Pointing to the younger Muppet, she said, “Moi has already emailed yours.”
“I’m guessing then, the second list is the one I should be looking at,” Scooter huffed, taking at his phone. It wasn’t unheard of for Scooter to receive emails early in the morning, especially considering that he held stake in other businesses besides the Muppets, but Piggy’s had been a bit of a surprise. The first one had come in right as he was getting ready to start the day, while the second popped up as he was heading out.
“The first one was just for vous,” she explained. “In case you and the frog decided to just work all summer. The second one is for the group.”
“Oh come on!”
“Well…”
That had been Gonzo, who was looking through this much longer list. It was around three pages, nicely typed and stapled together and it pretty much went through everything the five could get up to in a week’s time.
“You know, in Piggy’s defense,” he continued. “We would’ve done number four here, for sure.”
“And there was a possibility of number seven,” Fozzie added, also looking at the list.
“And number eight,” said Kermit.
“And there would’ve been a high potential for numbers fifteen through twenty-one,” Gonzo concluded.
The sounds of her car pulling up caused Piggy to glance out the window. “Alright,” she said, heading towards the door, picking up her bag, and turning back to the group. “Moi is off.”
“That’s usually my assessment,” Kermit joked, smiling when the diva poked him.
In quick succession, Piggy delivered a quick kiss to the frog’s lips, telling him “I love you” before turning to look at Gonzo and saying “Behave.” She then pointed to the comic and told him, “No sweets”, which caused him to whine in displeasure. She told Rowlf to “Stay out of trouble” and then said it was double for the so-called named Boy Wonder.
“Moi will see you all in a week,” she concluded, before opening the door and heading out.
As one, the quintet moved to the window to watch the driver get Piggy settled in and then return to his place behind the wheel. They all watched as the car started up and began to back out the driveway and head down the road. As soon as the car was out of sight, the others began throwing out complaints and suggestions, however Kermit interrupted them, holding his hand up to silence them.
Within two minutes of quieting the others, the same car came around the corner to pass by slowly by the house, the back window rolled down. On the other side was Piggy, her eyes covered by a pair of fashionable shades and looking out said window. Her focus however was on the very window Kermit and the others stood at, almost daring them to start up something as soon as her car had pulled out from the driveway.
Kermit waved happily as his girlfriend drove by, mentally laughing at knowing she wasn’t going to catch them this time, while also hoping she’d have a good enough trip that wouldn’t include worrying about what they
could be doing to her home.
Once again, the car went by and when the frog was sure she wouldn’t be coming back, he said, “Now.”
Gonzo quickly crumbled up the lengthy list he had been handed, asking, “We don’t need this anymore, right?” He tried to lob the paper towards the kitchen, namely the trash can that was nowhere near him, however Fozzie managed to jump up and batted the paper in the air, knocking it back towards the living room.
“Anything in the fridge?” Rowlf asked.
“Uh yeah,” the frog replied, heading for the kitchen. “Piggy ended up getting some healthy meals, cause you know…we aren’t gonna live forever, so we should be taking care of ourselves and stuff.”
“Princess on a health kick?” Gonzo asked.
Kermit nodded. “Yeah,” he said, opening the door to the refrigerator. Once again in his preferred role as dutiful boyfriend, the frog found himself usually caught up in Piggy’s newest obsession; not always, but usually. Her new health kick was actually the longest thing she had committed to recently and while he certainly did want her to live as long as possible, he also enjoyed her curvaceous figure.
Inside the refrigerator were a variety of pre-cooked lunches and dinners that Piggy had bought for the group to enjoy while they were there. “Well,” the frog began, looking through the boxes that sat within the fridge. “We have some veggie medleys, a couple of low fat casseroles, and a bunch of stuff with tofu as the main ingredient.”
“What’s toe fu?” asked Fozzie. It sounded like a form of martial arts that Piggy practiced and there was no doubt in the comic’s mind that she was probably a black belt in that, too.
“Oh, it’s this kinda squishy, healthy square that you cut into cubes,” Gonzo answered.
“Oh,” the comic said, though his fuzzy face morphed into one of confusion. “What’s it taste like?”
“Like nothing,” the head writer said. “But you can mix it with other foods and then it tastes like…nothing.”
Gonzo had eaten tofu and while not bad, it wasn’t all that great. Camilla usually made a scramble out of it, switching out the eggs for tofu and mixing together some veggies, like bell peppers. It was a good breakfast, though it did leave him hungry when getting to the studio and he ended up snagging a donut to make up for it. He didn’t tell her that, because the point of eating tofu was to reduce his cholesterol and it was heart healthy.
It just wasn’t
tasty.
Rowlf and Kermit continued to peer into the refrigerator, though neither was excited about the prospects that awaited them. Kermit was all for eating healthy, but healthy could sometimes equal boring and he didn’t want a boring meal. At least not right now. The pianist turned to his longtime friend and asked, “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
[hr]
Summers in California were heaven – not too hot, but just right and the days made it perfect to just sit outside and eat.
“Oh my God, this is so good!”
“So good!”
Parked in the parking lot of Carl’s Jr, that’s exactly what Kermit and his four friends were doing, alternating moans of bliss as they sat and ate their delicious charbroiled burgers. They really did try to eat healthy, in many cases, but there were times when you just needed a burger or a taste of those crispy, golden fries and today was one of those days.
Actually, the whole week felt like burgers or steaks would be on the menu.
That was probably the
opposite of what Piggy had wanted for the group, but in their defense, she never said they couldn’t cheat. And at no point – either by her or on her very long list of instructions – did she say they couldn’t have fast food. So with no instruction on what they should be eating, all five had gotten into Kermit’s car, drove to the closest burger joint, ordered food, and immediately started eating it in the parking lot.
“Uh oh.”
In the middle of enjoying his delicious Guacamole Bacon Thickburger, Fozzie came to a near fatal realization. He had forgotten to ask for no bacon and then proceeded to forget to
remove said bacon from his burger. Pulling a stringy piece of the meat from his burger, the comic leaned between the front seats, and held up the object. “Is this bacon?”
Rowlf took the piece from Fozzie and popped it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully before nodding and saying, “Yeah, that’s bacon.” Looking at his own burger, he said, “Shoot.”
“I totally forgot to tell them no bacon,” the comic sputtered, looking at his burger as though poisoned.
“Oh yeah,” Gonzo mumbled, mouth full of burger and fries. “Me, too.”
“Not good,” Fozzie sighed. He should have immediately tossed the burger back into the bag or at least gotten rid of the bacon, but the burger
was delicious and he was near convinced it was
because of the bacon. And that made him feel worse.
There was something to be said about working with people who, for some, were considered food. Piggy had made it known from the start that she was not at all amused by ‘pig jokes’, especially if they were food related. Gonzo had made some comment once about a honey ham and it had landed that same ham on his head.
“I hope we aren’t eating one of Piggy’s uncles or something.” Quickly turning to the driver, the comic begged for forgiveness and understanding. “Please don’t tell Piggy! Don’t tell Piggy, Kermit! She’ll kill me!”
“He’s not gonna tell Piggy,” Rowlf replied, throwing the frog a look.
“I’m not gonna tell Piggy,” Kermit agreed. As much as Piggy would hem and haw about pork products, he knew she wasn’t the kind of person to make someone stop eating it for her benefit. However, the frog admitted that it was very endearing that his friends ended up cutting pork from their diet.
He noted that both he and Piggy had stopped eating chicken around the time Gonzo and Camilla starting dating.
“I’ll just be indignant on her behalf,” he added, throwing a smirk towards the comic. “After I finish my lunch.”
Lunch ended pretty much as it began, with sounds of happily filling stomachs that craved burgers. With tummies now sated, the more important portion of the day would need to be explored. “So what do we do now?” asked Scooter, glancing at the others.
“Well…” Their leader replied, blowing out a breath. “What we
should do is something productive. Yeah, we’re just starting summer, but we know that three months can go by in a flash.”
Fozzie nodded. “I should probably work on my routine,” he admitted.
“And I probably got some writing to do,” Gonzo added.
“We’ll need to do finances,” Rowlf said, looking at Kermit. While The Tavern was all Rowlf’s, some of his friends did have stake in the business, even if they didn’t want to admit they did. Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd Pepper, and Dr. Teeth were all starting investors into the bar and were adamant that the dog and owner didn’t have to do anything to pay them back.
They considered it payment for all the years of helpful advice the dog had given them.
But Rowlf always wanted to do the right thing, so he ended coordinating his administrative duties along with theirs, so he could get the best advice and guidance possible from the two people who managed finances for a large entertainment holding.
“Good idea,” Scooter nodded. “I always find that working in an active and sociable environment is conducive to my productivity.”
“Huh?” asked Fozzie.
“He likes being around people when he works,” Gonzo explained. Sending a cheeky grin towards the associate producer, he quipped, “Probably all that time running around after us in the theater.”
“Well, when you’ve worked on business management duties and homework while trying to avoid Muppets flying in the air, you can pretty much work in
any environment.”
Forty-five minutes later, all five found themselves back in the living room of Piggy’s home, not at all doing what they said they would do. The plan truly and honestly had been to get some actual work done, but the thought of working – especially after such a heavy meal – put them off. Within five minutes, Fozzie began to complain that he was tired and wanted a nap, so the only way to keep themselves occupied and awake was to do something that wasn’t work for the moment.
So, instead of actually working, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, and Rowlf were in the midst of a heated battle of Formula 1, a popular racing game Piggy owned for the Console One gaming system. Kermit, who had quickly lost after running headlong into the crowd barrier, sat next to the head writer, cheering him on as he took the lead from Rowlf.
The thought of working was now a distant thought, even as Kermit heard his phone going off. However, while he may have ignored any other call, this one came with the sounds of some inappropriate pop song.
That meant only one person would possibly be calling.
“Crud, it’s Piggy!”
And that's it for now. I may come back to this one in the future, cause I totally like it and it's premise. But yeah, there you go for your Sunday Funday!
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