Once Upon My Heart.

[green stuff]

Note: this is chapter 4, part one. I just wanted you guys to have something to read before you start pointing those cannons at me. Part two coming up soon. Promise!

 

[The Count]

And what a nice start to the chapter it was... The story of how Robin found his lost teddy bear, that'll make someone I know squeee.
Of course, there's the chocolate chip horsefly cookies... Guess you're borrowing that same recipe book Ru has.
And I kind of find the thought processes interesting, especially how you're explaining what's going on in Robin's life.

Very good, keep it coming!

 

[green stuff]

Count, there's a recipe book? I didn't know there was...Oops. Sorry if I did something I wasn't supposed to.

 

[TogetherAgain]

You didn't do anything that you weren't supposed to, don't worry a speck about that.

But ooh! I love how Robin is wondering what a kiss feels like... Ooh... Oh I love this so much! MORE PLEASE!

 

[Leyla]

Hmm... enjoying this a lot! The ushy gushy was yummy and Robin wondering what a kiss is like...lovely! I enjoyed the lines about how strangely domestic the scene was when Robin returned and you know, Robin is just as charming as a teenager as he is as a child.

Keep an eye on your tenses, occasionally (not frequent enough to be annoying, don't worry) you slip into present when it should be past tense. I'd suggest keeping it all in past tense, except for dialogue, which should mostly be in present. This is just a suggestion, and meant to be helpful. You're doing a good job and I'm definately enjoying the story.

One other little pet peeve of mine, which perhaps I shouldn't mention, that you've inadvertantly treaded on was Piggy calling Robin, "Robbie". Piggy has a slew of nicknames for Kermit, and has on one occasion called Rowlf, Rowlfie, but other than that she doesn't really tend to use diminutives for the other characters. I suppose, because she's now living with Robin, she might take it up... but it just feels weird to me. It's one of those gut reaction, nails on a chalkboard kind of reactions.

Still, that's just my opinion on the matter, and we all have different takes on characters, so by all means, if it feels right to you, go ahead and keep at it. It won't stop me from reading, or enjoying your writing.

Oh, and a few more specific things I liked, your use of the book "Oh, the places you'll go, and Valen as the name of the teddy bear, and Kermit's advice to Robin, all very sweet.

After about fifteen years of living with these two, it was still just a little weird, not to mention unusual, when he caught them in moments of domesticity like this. It was just so…unlike them. Normally, either Kermit was busy in his office writing a screenplay, or Piggy was at a photo shoot, or out shopping, or they were off at a failed attempt at a romantic evening alone, (because it’s impossible for them to have an entire evening alone) or clamoring for each other’s affection. However, to catch them in moments like these made Robin wonder, Am I in the right house? It just wasn’t natural.

I loved that whole paragraph! And Robin's right, it is weird, but sweet and lovely and good. "Clamoring", nice word choice there, and such a great image of Kermit and Piggy together. <is not a fangirl> <shifty eyes>

I'm looking forward to the next part! <hugs>

Leyla

 

[The Count]

No... You didn't do anything wrong GreenStuff. Just a noticing from me, given that Ruahnna's dipped into that strange froggy cuisine as well in one of her more recent chapters. Just commenting on my part.
Something else I liked was the bit of role reversal where Kermit was protesting over Piggy calling Robin her favorite guy... And his bit of sulking, what with Piggy then just deflecting his crossness almost instantly.

Looking forward to more... *Oh Lisa and Leyla... If you could post some more of your own stories...
*Got a nice little Antarctic fowl here who'd like to explode his feelings on the lack of updates.

 

[green stuff]

Ok...Leyla...sorry I gave you a gut, sort of nail on the chalk board kind of reaction. That makes me feel bad...so I'll never do it again, I promise!! Ah...*fights back tears* just kidding. No seriously, if it bothers you that much, I will do that no longer...now then, back to my posting cave.

 

[Leyla]

Oh... you're kidding, right, about that being sad thing... 'cause I didn't mean to make you sad! I like it, I do! I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't respect you as a writer... and like I said, it woudn't keep me out of this story... <tries not to feel guilty>

 

[green stuff]

well...in all honesty, I'm only half kidding...um...I hope that doesn't make you feel bad, b/c that's not the goal...um...back to my posting cave!

 

[green stuff]

I'm not on the verge of tears or anything, but I just feel kinda bad that I got that kind of reaction out of you. Bad form on my part. Easily fixed.