Muppet Survivor

[minor muppetz]

episode 4

here is episode 4:

Muppet Survivor

Announcer: welcome again to Muppet Survivor! here is your host, kermit The frog!

Kermit: thank you, mr. announcer. welcome to Muppet Survivor. last week janice got voted off. this week somebody else will get voted off, but it certainly won't be the swedish chef.
Swedish Chef: der deer flup flur shwy sddff fe dew!

Beauregard: oh, they're gonna vote me off for sure! I just know it!
Miss Piggy: oh, no they're not. not yet, anyway.

(it starst to rain)
Kermit: well, it is raining, so I guess you all know what that means.
Gonzo: that we all get to pack our socks and throw frisbees?
kermit: no.
Bean: that Pepe and janice both get to come back to the island?
kermit: no, it means that....
Fozzie: ...that we get to go home and not finish this show?
Kermit: (angrily) cool it! (calmer) it means that we have a big challenge: we do a limbo in the rain.
(everybody groans)

(Pepe is watching the show on a TV at a mall)
Pepe: well, I have lost, so now I will get my revenge, okay!
Seymour: okay. hey, do you want to buy some soft-spoken ice cream?
Pepe: what are you talking about?

(at a concert stage)
Dr. teeth: well, welcome back, janice.
Floyd: we all missed you.
Animal: missed! missed!
janice: well, how sweet.
Dr. teeth: we're all sorry for you losing, uh, right, guys?
all: (faking) uh, right, right.
janice: well, I'm just glad that I can play in the band again.
Animal: yeah!
Zoot: well, let's rehearse.
Floyd: hit it!

(in the boarding house living room, where Clifford, Bunsen, Beaker, Dr. Phil Van Neuter, Rowlf, Bobo, Mildred, six penguins, Zhondra, Statler, Waldorf, Beautiful Day Monster, Leon, Vicki, Anthony, Fern, Annie Sue Pig, Crazy Harry, and Gaffer are all watching)
Bobo: okay, who's got the pop corn?
penguin #1: wait 'till it gets to you.
penguin #2: yeah!
Statler: boy, this place is crowded.
Waldorf: yeah, unlike the muppet theatre.
Clifford: we must be the majority of the viewers.
Bunsen: yeah, too bad the ratings can't count all of us seperately.

(at Muppet Central)
Sam: ah, yes, they are working hard and in the rain. I can't complain.
Nigel the Director: I just hope that the rain doesn't hurt any of the electrical equipment out there.
Rizzo: hey, the shows starting again.
Digit: I'll turn up the volume.
Rizzo: you do that and I'll get a pizza.
Nigel the Director: yes, get the pizza. i am starving.
Scooter: so am I.
Rizzo: then get your own! ha ha ha ha!!!!

(back on Muppet Survivor)
Kermit: okay, here is mad Monty to explain the rules.
mad Monty: all right. Listen up! Polly Lobster and Clueless Morgan will be holding up that limbo stick in the rain.
Clueless Morgan: are you sure this is wise?
Polly Lobster: of course it's wise! I love the rain!
Mad Monty: if you love it so much why don't you marry it? anyway, whoever can limbo the best does not get voted off this week. And now let's begin!

(it starts. bean is the first to limbo)
bean: hey, I am so small, I should get throguh this. (unfortunaely, bean slips on a puddle and is out)
Polly Lobster: ha ha, you're out.
Bean Bunny: rats!
(a group of rats show up)
rat #1: you called?

(now it's fozzies turn)
Fozzie: lets see if I can do this. (fozzie tries to go under, and he makes it) yes! I made it!
Clueless Morgan: good job, fozzie.
Fozzie: thank you.

(at the mall where pepe is watching)
pepe: (to himself) now, I will need to buy some supplies to crush them, okay. Now what is the best store to buy revenge supplies at? I know! I'll buy supplies at Toys R Us!

(in a garage at the muppet boarding house, where Sweetums, Doglion, Gorgon Heap, Carl, Behemoth, Boppity, Mo, Gloat, Spotted Dick, and Dark Green Hunchback Frackle are watching)
Spotted Dick: well, now the chefs out.
Sweetums: here comes the pig. let's see if she get's out.
(they watch)
Doglion: hmm. the porkers still in.
Gorgon Heap: they call this a 'reality" show?
Carl: shameful.

(now it is beauregards turn, but beauregard falls)
Beauregard: oh, fooey.
Clueless Morgan: ha ha. you must be dumber than me.
Polly Lobster: well, I don't think anybody can be dumber than you.
Bean: and I don't think anybody can be cuter than me.
Polly Lobster: (annoyed) will you get away from us?

(at Muppet Central)
Rizzo: well, it's the bears turn again.
Scooter: go fozzie!
Rizzo: what ya mean "go fozzie"? I put all my money on the chef.
Scooter: well, Fozzie just lost.

(in the living room)
Dr. Phil: well, this has been a lot of fun.
Annie Sue: yes, but it still isn't over.
Waldorf: it isn't?
Statler: and I was almost happy.

(back at muppet central)
Rizzo: well, I have to pay up now. The chef lost.
Nigel the Director: heh heh heh. pay up!
Rizzo: uh, can we settle this double or nothing?
Nigel the Director: (freaking out) are you crazy? I need money! You lost the bet! you should suffer the consequences!

(back on Muppet Survivor)
Mad Monty: well, we can't vote miss piggy off the island.
Kermit: hmm, I see. well, when we get back we will know who gets voted off next!

(commercial break)
Announcer: live in concert this weekend! it's the electric mayhem live in conert! they will sing all their greatest hits! Theres Tenderly, Rockin' Robin, Can You Picture That?, and more! So don't miss Dr. Teeth...
Dr. Teeth: golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence!
announcer: ...sgt. floyd pepper...
Floyd: ain't nothing to it but to do it.
Announcer: ...janice...
Janice: fer sure!
Announcer: ....zoot.....
Zoot: wha....?
Announcer: and, of course, animal!
Animal: eat drums! beat drums!
Annoucner: and let's not forget their part-time trumpet player, Lips! (lips plays a rockin' jazz solo) plus special guest bassist Clifford and an opening act from Rowlf! it's the electric mayhem live in concert! be there or watch the performance on pay-per-view! or buy the DVD with 100 features and 10 edits!

(back on the show)
kermit: and now heres the results!
The newsman: here is a muppet news flash! Miss Piggy has rigged the votes, so she is automatically disqualified.
Miss Piggy: (suddenly appearing in the newsroom) what! (karate chops the newsman)

(at the mall...)
pepe: oh, so I guess that proves that she really did rig the votes.
fleet scribbler: are you saying that you are just planting news stories?
pepe: uh, no, okay!
fleet scribbler: wow! what a headline! "king prawn gives phoney news information!"
pepe: and it is the porksters fault that I was voted off first, okay!

(back on the show)
Kermit: don't forget to vote and i'll see you next time. (the rain stops)
Bean: oh, great, now it stops raining.

 

[minor muppetz]

vote off

In case you can't tell, having Miss Piggy disqualified counts as a vote-off.

 

[minor muppetz]

episode 5

Here is episode 5 of Muppet Survivor:

Muppet Survivor

Announcer: welcome to another edition of Muppet Survivor! unfortunately, Kermit could no host tonights show, so here is our very special guest host, Clifford!

Clifford: (to off-camera crew) Now, if I host this show, the fans will hate me even more over replacing...... (notices that the camera is on) Hello! Welcome to Muppet Survivor! I am tonights guest host, Clifford! Kermit already planned on going on a frog scout camping trip with his nephew....

(cut to Kermit and Robin watching the show on a portable television at a camp site)
Kermit: well, this is great. I finally get to watch the show.
Robin: yeah! and it sure is convenient that our break time from frog scout activities just happens to be when this show is on.

(back to the show)
Clifford: last week, Miss Piggy automatically got disqualified just because she cheated.

(Miss Piggy is watching the show in her bedroom with Foo Foo)
Miss Piggy: what a lousy loss! I shouldn't have been voted off.
(andy and randy walk into the room)
Andy: Hiya, aunt piggy!
Randy: we came to comfort you over your loss.
Miss Piggy: well, if I hadn't lost, then you wouldn't have to comfort me! (thinking outloud) althougb I do have an idea for revenge....

(back on the show)
Clifford: tonights activity is crossing the tight rope on top of the volcano, and here is Louis kazagger to explain it.
Louis kazagger: theres nothing to explain! They all cross rope, whoever does the best job won't be voted off this or next week, and then we'll announce this weeks big loser. If the winner gets voted off then we will vote off the one with the secodn amount of votes.

(at camp)
Robin: that isn't safe, is it?
Kermit: no, and I also can't beleive that I am hosting this trash.

(back on the show)
Louis Kazagger: begin now! first up is beauregard!
beauregard: okay, let' see if I can do this. (he walks struggles a bit, butsucceeds) Hooray!
Louis kazagger: good job, bo! Now it is Fozzie bears turn.
Fozzie: uh.. (he walsk but falls of, but holds onto the rope) uh..ah.. help.. help

(at the boarding house)
Statler: well, I feel sorry for Fozzie.
Waldorf: he's barely making it.
Statler: you got Bearly right!

(n the show, fozzie gets to the end and pulls himself up)
Louis kazagger: wow! a major victory for Fozzie bear! very impressive! and now here is the great gonzo...

(t.r. rooster and the chickens are watching in a barn)
T.R.: go, gonzo!
Chickens: go!

(gonzo is walking)
Gonzo: hey, this would make a great act. watch this! (gonzo does a backflip and keeps balance) neat, huh? (gonzo runs to the other end and takes a bow)
Louis kazagger: magnifficent! Now it is bean bunnys turn.
Bean: I am cute! I can do this! (bean walks but loses balance and falls in)

(meanwhile, Pepe is flying a helicopter with a bomb tied to the bottom)
Pepe: heh heh heh, I drop de bomb and they all go kaboom, okay! Ha ha!
(he sees Miss piggy flying another helicopter with a bomb at the bottom)
Miss Piggy: hey, shrimp, what are you doing?
pepe: the same thing youre doing, okay!
Miss Piggy: hey, I've got an idea! Let's park our planes and meet.

(everybody has finished)
Louis Kazagger: well, the activity is over, and I feel that Fozzie deserves not to get voted off.
Fozzie Bear: oh boy oh boy oh boy! wocka wocka!
(an explosion is heard in the bakcground)
Clifford: I wonder what that is.

(we see what that is: Miss Piggy and Pepe, who parked their planes with the war bombs still underneath the helicopters)
Pepe: woah...
Miss Piggy: let's not do that again. Now, are all of the losers here?
(janice shows up)
janice: fer sure!
pepe: okay, now what's the deal, okay?
Miss Piggy: we team up and defeat the other players.
Pepe: that sounds like fun, okay?
Janice: well, like, I don't want to be seen as a spil sport. it ruins my image as a rock star.
Pepe: typical girl.

Clifford: and now, it's time to annoucne the loser. Unfortunately, it was a tie. Gonzo and Bean Bunny have equal votes, so they will have a tug-of-war over a mud puddle. the loser leaves the island.

(at the barn)
T.R. Rooster: well, I sure hope Gonzo wins.

(on the show...)
Clifford: on your marks, get set, go!
(they start pulling. Fozzie walks up to Gonzo)
Fozzie: hey, gonzo, I like the way you walked on the tight rope. that was wicked awesome. (fozzie gives him a friendly slap on the back, which startles gonzo enough to send him into the mud)
bean: I win! I win!
Gonzo: well, I guess I lose, but this mud is great!

Clifford: come back next week when kermit will host again!

 

[TogetherAgain]

"I also can't believe that I am hosting this trash"- heh. Cute. Have I mentioned yet that I love this? I don't think I have. Keep it coming!

 

[minor muppetz]

Gonzo would have won....

Well, I had originally planned on having Gonzo, win, but then i changed my mind and had him lose in the last installment. Somebody else will win. But who?

 

[minor muppetz]

something not mentioned

There is something important about Muppet Survivor that hasn't been mentioned or pointed out yet. I plan on having a gag about this in the next installment, but can anybody guess what hasn't been brought up in Muppet Survivor? something that probably should have? it's not too hard to figure out. I won't mention it untill the next script is written, whenever that is. it could be in the next hour, it could be later tonight, it could be tomorrow, it could be later.

 

[minor muppetz]

episode 6

well, I guess that nobody tried to guess what wasn't brought up. here is episode 6, and you'll find out soon.

Muppet Survivor

Announcer: it's time once again for Muppet Survivor, and here is your host, kermit The frog.

kermit: hi ho everybody. I sure am glad to be back. Well, that is a lie. I actually watched an episode and saw for myself that this show is nothing but &$%*. But you people also objected to me letting Clifford take over. Anyway, last time Gonzo got voted off and today we are going to play a very special, and tasteless, tennis game of some sort.

(cut to Muppet Central)
Miss Piggy: I wish I could have won.
Pepe: me too, okay?
Miss Piggy: well, if you won, then I wouldn't have won.
janice: it's only a game.
Gonzo: by the way, what kind of a prize would we have gotten if we won?
Miss Piggy: oh, I don't know. I would have guessed a free trip to paris.
Janice: I thought it was a new guitar, fer sure!
Pepe: I thought it was a date in the hot tub with lots of sexy women, okay?
Gonzo: I was hoping it would have been a year supply of clothes hangers. Carl, the big mean clothes hanger eater, ate my last batch.
camillia: bawk!?
Carl: (entering) yeah, and those coat hangers should have been medium rare!

(back on the show)
Kermit: and now here is marvin Suggs to explain the rules.
marvin Suggs: thank you! You will be in groups of two, and the winning team will not get voted off this week. We will use a muppaphone as a tennis ball.
Muppaphone: say what?
Marvin Suggs: what?
Muppaphone: but this wasn't in my contract......

(at the boarding house, where Lobbock Lou and his jughuggers are watching)
Lobbock Lou: turn up the volume. I can't hear.
Gramps: no, turn down the volume. I don't wanna hear.
Lou: will you fools make up your minds, already?
Jerry: yeah, do what lou says?
Zeke: oh, but why do we always have to listen to her?
Bubba: really.
Gramps: I still don't want to hear this.
Bubba: oh, shut up!

(on the show)
marvin Suggs: ready, set, go!
(they all hit the muppaphone. Fozzie and Bean are on one team, and The swedish Chef and beauregard are on the other team)

(statler and waldorf are watching on a two-person boat)
Statler: I put double-or-nothing on the bear and bunny.
Waldorf: you're on! (they watch, and then it ends...) Well, Statler, I win.
Statler: dang it!

Kermit: well, congraduations, Bo and Chef. you won't get voted off.
beauregard: hooray!
swedish Chef: ov boy ov boy!
Bean: oh, dang it.
Fozzie: I don't want to get voted off.
Bean: what makes you think you will be voted off?
Fozzie: I am not cute like you.
bean: (thinks for a moment) hmm, yeah, you've got a point there.

Kermit: and now, the moment you've all been waiting for. According to this slip, tonights loser is.... Bean Bunny!

Fozzie: what a surprise!
bean: how could I lose? I am too cute to lose.

(at muppet central..)
Scooter: well, bean lost. Only three more left to go.
Bunsen: yes, and I hope that the chef wins.
Beaker: mee moo!
Bobo: I want fozzie to win.
Rizzo: so did I.
Clifford: and I want the chef to win.
Scooter: I was hoping Fozzie woudl win too.
Pepe: if I can't win, then nobody can, okay?
Lew Zeland: why can't bo win?

kermit: don't miss us next time. Only two more shows left!

 

[minor muppetz]

by the way

The thing that wasn't mentioned in the first episode that I was referring to was the prize. The prize hasn't been brought up yet. What could it be? Who will win? Stay tuned....

 

[minor muppetz]

episode 7

Well, the end is near. Only two more episodes left. this is one of them... (no, not the last one ).

Muppet Survivor

Announcer: welcome to Muppet Survivor, episode 7, no title, just like the other episodes. Here is our host, everyones favorite frog, with the exception of the executives at the WB network, Kermit The Frog!

Kermit: hi, ho, and welcome to episode seven of Muppet Survivor! Boy, can you believe that we have made it this far?

(cut to Statle rand waldorf watching the show in the boarding house living room)
Statler & Waldorf: we can't!

(back to the show)
Kermit: well, I have some somewhat dissapointing news for you all tonight.
Fozzie: I haven't been voted off yet, have I?
Kermit: (scrunches face) We won't know untill the end of tonights show, Fozzie!
Fozzie: oh.
Swedish Chef: du swmip su dee dump dr sharky!
Fozzie: no, I, fozzie, will not jump the shark.
Shark: ah, and I wanted to eat something that didn't taste funny.
Beauregard: hey, what's the shark doing on this island?
Shark: wanting to see if he has a chance to be on Muppet Survivor 2.
Beauregard: well, we don't know if Muppet Survivor 2 will be made.
Fozzie: we're only at episode seven.

Kermit: and now, the bad news, but first this important paid-political announcement.

(cut to political announcement)
Sam: I, Sam The American Eagle, am running for president. I will make America more American! I will help make television more decent. I...
Scooter: (interrupting) will have to wait three more years, since this is not an election year.
Announcer: Vote for sam.... in three years!

(back to the show)
Kermit: well, folks, here is the bad news: since we are running out of ideas, and since there is no guarentee that the first season DVD will have any good feature, tonight, instead of a challenge, we will watch the audition tapes. yes! Many have auditioned, but only 8 have been part of this show.

(at Muppet central)
Nigel The Director: okay, roll the audition footage.

(first audition tape)
Carl: Hi, I am Carl, the big mean survivor! I will eat the other contestants, and now I will eat this camera! (opens mouht, going to the camera)

Kermit: well, it's a good thing that he could make multiple copies at the same time and didn't need a camera for all copies. here is another audition.

(second audition tape)
wayne: hi! We're wayne and wanda, and we will survive!
Wanda: (singing) we will survive!
(the scoffs arrive)
Green Scoff: hey, you!
Blue Scoff: survive us!
Wayne & Wanda: Ahhh!

(third audition tape)
Animal: Sur-Vive! Sur-Vive! arrgghh! (starts beating on the camera)

(at the boarding house living room, where dr. teeth, floyd, animal, janice, zoot, lips, clifford, rowlf, flash, miss piggy, annie sue pig, mildred, digit, bunsen, beaker, seymour, pepe, zippety zap, and louis kazagger are all watching)
Floyd: well, animal, you sure can take a beat.
Animal: beat! beat!
Miss Piggy: oh, shut up.

(fourth audition tape)
Spamela: hi! I can survive because I know what it is like on the beach! (does a really groovy dance)

(in the boarding house living room)
Zippety zap: hubba hubba!
Dr. Teeth: She should have been a survivor, baby!
Pepe: that's right, okay!
Miss Piggy: I for one am happy that she didn't make it.

(back to the show)
Kermit: welcome back to the show, and after this important message we will announce our loser!
Fozzie: please don't let it be me.

(commercial break)
Johnny Fiama: I'm Johnny Fiama! welocme to Johnny Fiamas coffee house, where you can drink coffee and hear me sing.
Sal: that's right! Don't you go around complaining about the coffee being overpriced! You hear Johnny sing for free!
Statler: what's so great about that?
Waldorf: yeah!
(sal goes to beat up statler and waldorf)
Johnny Fiama: anyway, you not only hear me sing, but every wednesday night, you will hear Rowlf play the piano for free. take it, Rowlf!
(rowlf plays a wild piano solo)
Rowlf: yeah! yeah! yeaaahhhhh!
Johnny Fiama: so come to Johnny Fiamas Coffe House!
Sal: (singing) and if you don't come here I'll bite off your leg!
Johnny Fiama: uh, Sal, wrong jingle.
Rowlf: I had to tell Kermit that back in the 1960s.

(back to the show)
Kermit: well, you people have voted off the swedish chef.
Swedish chef: whuut!?
Kermit: they voted you off!
Swedish Chef: Discrimination! upisude seven und awreddy voted off.... (continues ranting)
Kermit: yes, we'll, don't miss our next, eighth and final episode, when we ill know who the real survivor is!
J.P. Gross: Don't count on it!
Kermit: hey, it's J.P. gross, the owner of the station that broadcasts this show! What's up, mr. gross?
J.P. Gross: Well, the ratings are not good enough, and six of our sponsors have pulled out. You're canceled!
Kermit: canceled? but we only have one episode left! We have made seven episodes, and we only have two contestants left.
J.P. Gross: I don't care with you've made seven episodes, we have been getting several complaints, all in the same hand-writting, and nobody likes your show...
Kermit: now, listen,... (kermit whispers something in J.P.s ear)
J.P. gross: hmm, interesting! we won't even need a sponsor for that! We can get all the ratings we want! Well, don't miss our next show, where we will know the winner!

 

[minor muppetz]

episode 8: the final episode

It is now the moment you have all been waiting for. The final episode.

Muppet Survivor

Announcer: Welcome to Muppet Survivor! The last episode! Here is Kermit the frog!
Kermit: welcome again! This is our last show. Tonight, before we get to the winner, we will all have a party. We also got a lot of sponsors because this is the season finale.
Muppet Duck: (popping up from under the camera) Aflac!
Kermit: will you get out of here!

(at a table...)
Emily bear: well, Good Luck son.
Fozzie: thanks, ma.
Emily Bear: you'll need it.
Gonzo: well, I lost, but I had fun.
Camillia: bawk bawk.

Kermit: before we begin we will have some words from a sponsor.

(cut to commercial)
Vendaface: I am Vendaface. I will change your looks for twenty-five cents.
Pepe: oh, change me, okay!
Vendaface: alright. (after pepe puts the oney in, Vendaface puts an elephant nose and elephant ears on pepe. Then Pepe looks into a mirror)
Pepe: oh, noo....
Seymour: (walking in) hey, you look good, Pepe.
(the logo "Vendaface: He'll change your looks" appears on-screen)

(back to the show)
kermit: now here is a number from the band!
(nigel the conductor conducts Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, joined by Rowlf. They are being watched by Statler, Waldorf, The Swedish Chef, Gonzo, Bean, Sm, Wayne, Wanda, and Thog. There song sounds suspiciously like "I wish I was an oscar meyer weiner")

(a group of pigs confront kermit)
Link: we can't believe that Piggy lost.
Dr. Strangepork: yeah!
Miss Piggy: I should have won.
Kermit: well, anybody should have...
Miss Piggy: This show should have been canceled!
pepe: that's right, okay.
kermit: (annoyed) will you all just knock it off! (looks at camera) oh, and now it is time for the final challenge. Fozzie and Beauregard will be searching the cave for this statue (puts up a picture of the statue). They have got 7 minutes to do so, starting now!

Fozzie: well, let's go, Bo.
beauregard: and let the best man win.
Fozzie: I hope you win.
Beauregard: and I hope you win...
kermit: will you guys just go, already?

Lew Zeland: well, this show had a good run.
Sam: too bad it was disturbing.
Rizzo: aw, shut up, sam.
leon: yeah, sam.
Sam: will you people stop pestering me!?

Pops: (waking up) so, what has happened so far?
George: oh, Fozzie and Beauregard became finalists.
Hilda: I hope that beauregard wins.
Mildred: well, I hope Fozzie wins.
(hilda punches Mildred in the face)

(Fozzie comes back with the prize)
Fozzie: hey, I won.
Kermit: oh, good. start the music! (The muppet show theme starts playing) "to introduce our winner, that's hat I'm here to do, so it really makes me happy, to introduce to you...Ladies and gentlemen, mr. fozzie bear!"
Fozzie: oh, I can't believe I won!
Statler & Waldorf: neither can we!
Kermit: and now, here's J.P. Gross with your prize.
J.P. Gross: you will be getting a copy of Muppet Survivor: The Complete First Season, a set of Muppet Survivor clothes hangers, a pair of socks, and a polka-dotted scarf.
Fozzie: why did I have to win?