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Lisa! You weren't here, so I am happy to not see you. Um. You know what I mean. Right? Glad you liked the "fourth wall" gag. I was hoping that would amuse somebody besides me.
Here be the next bit...
*****
*****
It was late afternoon at the Muppet Theater. People were still working on the weekend's show. Scooter had tentatively okayed several acts, subject to Kermit's approval, and set aside a few others that they might use if the going got tough. Gonzo had been brainstorming hard; he had thrown four more pitches at Scooter. Scooter had noted them all. Kermit wouldn't approve any, but it'd be fun to see what he had to say about them.
So far no story lines had presented themselves. Well, that was no cause for alarm, even though the plan was to film them before the show and project the videos in between stage acts. Once they got the acts on the slate, the rest would fall into place. And if it didn't, shoot, that could be the story.
Scooter sat back in the chair. He wasn't getting anything much done now. He had hit the wall with regard to sorting chaos into order. He could present the latest batch of acts to Kermit, but the boss was likely to be as tired as his go-fer was now. The best time to show him new pitches would be tomorrow morning, Scooter decided.
**
Janken looked up when the intercom spoke. "Jan, is anyone using the handheld cam?"
"No. Need it?"
"Yeah. Bring it over here, would you?"
"Sure."
Janken picked up the aforementioned camera, checked to make sure its settings were correct, then crossed behind the stage to backstage right. Scooter said, "Let's do a reality show."
"Huh?"
"Humor me, willya?" Scooter said with a grin. Janken answered by raising the camera to his shoulder and looking through the eyepiece. Scooter said, "Here we are with an exclusive behind-the-scenes peek at the upcoming season of The Muppet Show. Come with me."
Janken followed him as he went back to an old upright piano which was kept charmingly out of tune. Scooter asked Rowlf, who was seated at the bench, "So, what're you doing?"
The dog responded, "Same as always, tickling the ivories." He played a dramatic sting, which was spoiled by a giggle. Rowlf did a double-take.
Scooter deadpanned, "I see. Well, moving along, let's see what's happening onstage."
**
Miss Piggy entered the theater. She wished she could lose herself in the silliness that was the Muppets' lot in life. Right now she didn't have enough spirit. Quietly she went up the stairs to her dressing room.
Scooter saw her worryingly discreet entrance and exit. He said to Janken, "Camera off." Janken nodded and thumbed the switch. Scooter took his cell phone out of his pocket. After a moment he said in a very low voice, "Kermit, Miss Piggy's here. She looks really down." Pause. "In her dressing room. Yeah. Okay."
**
Miss Piggy was sitting at her makeup table, starting moodily into the mirror, when she heard a tap at the door. "Who is it?" she called.
"It's me. Kermit."
She got up and went to the door. Opening it, she said, "Oh, Kermit. Entrez-vous."
He came in, and heard the click of the lock when she closed the door behind him. He asked, "How did it go today?"
"Oh, well, you know. I'm sorry this silly business had to be this week. I feel just terrible about leaving you without a strong female lead."
"Don't worry, we'll get by for a week." He saw a flash of annoyance in the tightening of her mouth. "What show are you doing?"
She looked at him for a long moment. Then she drew in a deep breath and let it out again. "Teeny Weeny Queenies.”
"I haven't heard of that one. What's it about?" The moment he finished the question he realized the answer. "Oh, no."
"Yeah," she said gruffly. "It's a beauty pageant for little girls, six to eight. I must mentor six adorable little divas-to-be through the contest."
Miss Piggy had confided in him about that part of her life. Her memories were not happy ones. She had never publicly mentioned that part of her career, and it would have passed unknown if a magazine hadn't found and printed a bunch of her childhood photographs. It had opened old wounds. "Oh, no. Piggy, I'm sorry," he said earnestly.
"Well, you know, these things happen. And they're paying through the nose for me," she said, trying to sound flippant.
"Uh-huh."
"It's a piece of cake. I just have to serve as inspiration for those girls. Encourage them…" Her mask cracked. "Oh, Kermie…"
He took her hand. "I'm here."
"You don't know what it's like, seeing them all dressed like mini-grownups in their heels and dresses and makeup, trying to impress me by acting phony. They've forgotten how to be little girls!"
"Uh-huh," he said, squeezing her hand.
"It made me so mad! I wanted to give them a karate demonstration. Using everyone making the show as practice dummies. And their parents…!"
"It must feel terrible," Kermit told her.
His expression gentle, his eyes looked steadily and sympathetically into hers. "It does," she replied sadly. He was the only one she would open up to. The only one who would understand.
"What're you going to do?" he asked. His thumb stroked the palm of her hand.
She looked away and drew in a breath. Then she said firmly, "What I do best. I'm strong. I'm a pro. I'm stuck in a contract. I'm gonna do their stinkin' show and then I'm gonna throttle Bernie!"
"What are you going to do for the kids?"
He was asking the same question she had been asking herself. "I don't know. If I had my way they wouldn't be there at all!"
"Piggy…Maybe you do have something to teach them. You know what it's like to be in their shoes. You can do more than just show them how to put on eyeliner."
She looked at him for a long moment. Then she turned away, back toward the mirror, to reach for a tissue. It was a bit of a stretch to get to the box without taking her hand from Kermit's. She dabbed her eyes and said, "I don't know."
He asked, "What do you wish someone had told you back then?"
She dabbed at her eyes again, then pulled the tissue box over and grabbed several in one handful. This was more than a one-Kleenex issue.
Kermit realized that he had struck a nerve. He hadn't meant to make this worse for her than it already was. She sat there, making little choking sounds, trying to hold it in. She shouldn't have to do that for him. He leaned forward and put his arms around her, whispering "Let it out." She leaned into his embrace as if needing him for support. She pressed her face into where his shoulder would be and squeezed her eyes closed. He felt the spasms of half-restrained sobs. Within moments she was crying in earnest. Not the photogenic tears that she sometimes used to get her way, but messy crying, the kind that comes from deep within and can't be restrained.
Kermit pressed his cheek to hers and stroked her hair with one hand. She could cry on him all she wanted if it was what she needed. And he had the feeling that she was overdue for this by several decades.
**
That evening the Muppets were winding down. The engines of their creativity had run strong all day, and now it was time to fall back and refuel. Miss Piggy emerged from her dressing room with Kermit. Scooter, who had known better—much better—than to interrupt them, looked over to gauge their mood. They were very close, arm in arm. Together rather than just walking in the same direction. That was good. Miss Piggy's makeup looked fresh, too, as if she had just applied it. He decided not to notice that her eyes were a little pink. He said, "Hi, boss. I've got something to show you."
"Oh, what is it?" Kermit asked
"We did a video. I wanted to see what you think. C'mon over."
Scooter led Kermit and Piggy over to Janken's console. "Jan, roll film."
"Sure thing." Janken tapped a few keys. On one of the monitors a familiar set appeared. "This is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: Muppet Studios. The Muppets are getting ready for their season premiere. We have exclusive footage-" His narration was cut short by an avalanche of shoes.
It was a montage of Muppets working on their acts, or cleaning up backstage, or eating in the canteen, or anything else they felt like doing in front of a camera, edited together to give the impression of a movie trailer. It culminated in a chase scene through the theater and up into the fly space to the tune of Yakety Sax. When it was finished Scooter explained, "I started this out just as a goof, but soon everyone got into the act. What do you think?"
"Looks like you guys went crazy. Why don't you upload that? It could be worth some Internet buzz."
Scooter glanced at Janken, who tapped the Enter key and said, "Done."
Amused, Kermit remarked, "Gee, if I didn't know better I'd think that's what you had in mind all along."
Scooter raised his hand to his forehead in a three-fingered salute. "Be prepared, that the Boy Scouts' solemn creed," he quoted.
Miss Piggy noticed a flicker on his hand. When he lowered it again, she saw that he was wearing a ring. She glanced at Janken's hands and saw that he had one as well. Surprised, she said, "How long have you two been wearing rings?"
Scooter asked, "What time is it?"
Janken glanced at the time display on his console. "About eight hours." He turned in his seat. "We got them at lunch today, Miss Piggy."
"Oh! Are you engaged?"
Scooter laughed. "We just gave each other rings because we wanted to."
"Well, that's a very good reason," she said, and glanced at Kermit.
Normally this would have been his cue to flinch. But her smile was not forced. There was nothing bitter in her manner, no subtext. Rings were nice, but right now the thin-fingered green hand in hers was much more precious.
**
Soon the Muppets were gathering at the bus to go back to the boarding house. Cheerfully Janken said, "Grab your bike. Let's go out."
Scooter had been hoping that Janken wouldn't make that suggestion. He said, "I'm afraid I have to go through these acts, figure out which ones are feasible and how long they'll last and stuff, while I have the quiet time to really focus."
Disappointed, Janken said, "Aw, tonight?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry. This isn't the week for me to let things slide."
"Well…okay. I'll take a rain check."
"Thanks, Jan. I'll make it up."
Janken gave him a short but sincere kiss, then held his eyes with an intense gaze that said that he'd better not wait too long.
Dr. Teeth, already seated in the bus, watched them through the window. Their mission of the noontide had been an unassailable success, he saw. Well, no wonder; he had called ahead and suggested that his friends be treated with utter tact and discretion, qualities that their fine establishment possessed in abundance and of which the illustrious Doctor had never required.
*****
All characters except Janken Fraggle are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. All copyrighted characters are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
Here be the next bit...
*****
Once in a Lifetime
Part 6: Time Isn't After Us
by Kim McFarland
*****
It was late afternoon at the Muppet Theater. People were still working on the weekend's show. Scooter had tentatively okayed several acts, subject to Kermit's approval, and set aside a few others that they might use if the going got tough. Gonzo had been brainstorming hard; he had thrown four more pitches at Scooter. Scooter had noted them all. Kermit wouldn't approve any, but it'd be fun to see what he had to say about them.
So far no story lines had presented themselves. Well, that was no cause for alarm, even though the plan was to film them before the show and project the videos in between stage acts. Once they got the acts on the slate, the rest would fall into place. And if it didn't, shoot, that could be the story.
Scooter sat back in the chair. He wasn't getting anything much done now. He had hit the wall with regard to sorting chaos into order. He could present the latest batch of acts to Kermit, but the boss was likely to be as tired as his go-fer was now. The best time to show him new pitches would be tomorrow morning, Scooter decided.
**
Janken looked up when the intercom spoke. "Jan, is anyone using the handheld cam?"
"No. Need it?"
"Yeah. Bring it over here, would you?"
"Sure."
Janken picked up the aforementioned camera, checked to make sure its settings were correct, then crossed behind the stage to backstage right. Scooter said, "Let's do a reality show."
"Huh?"
"Humor me, willya?" Scooter said with a grin. Janken answered by raising the camera to his shoulder and looking through the eyepiece. Scooter said, "Here we are with an exclusive behind-the-scenes peek at the upcoming season of The Muppet Show. Come with me."
Janken followed him as he went back to an old upright piano which was kept charmingly out of tune. Scooter asked Rowlf, who was seated at the bench, "So, what're you doing?"
The dog responded, "Same as always, tickling the ivories." He played a dramatic sting, which was spoiled by a giggle. Rowlf did a double-take.
Scooter deadpanned, "I see. Well, moving along, let's see what's happening onstage."
**
Miss Piggy entered the theater. She wished she could lose herself in the silliness that was the Muppets' lot in life. Right now she didn't have enough spirit. Quietly she went up the stairs to her dressing room.
Scooter saw her worryingly discreet entrance and exit. He said to Janken, "Camera off." Janken nodded and thumbed the switch. Scooter took his cell phone out of his pocket. After a moment he said in a very low voice, "Kermit, Miss Piggy's here. She looks really down." Pause. "In her dressing room. Yeah. Okay."
**
Miss Piggy was sitting at her makeup table, starting moodily into the mirror, when she heard a tap at the door. "Who is it?" she called.
"It's me. Kermit."
She got up and went to the door. Opening it, she said, "Oh, Kermit. Entrez-vous."
He came in, and heard the click of the lock when she closed the door behind him. He asked, "How did it go today?"
"Oh, well, you know. I'm sorry this silly business had to be this week. I feel just terrible about leaving you without a strong female lead."
"Don't worry, we'll get by for a week." He saw a flash of annoyance in the tightening of her mouth. "What show are you doing?"
She looked at him for a long moment. Then she drew in a deep breath and let it out again. "Teeny Weeny Queenies.”
"I haven't heard of that one. What's it about?" The moment he finished the question he realized the answer. "Oh, no."
"Yeah," she said gruffly. "It's a beauty pageant for little girls, six to eight. I must mentor six adorable little divas-to-be through the contest."
Miss Piggy had confided in him about that part of her life. Her memories were not happy ones. She had never publicly mentioned that part of her career, and it would have passed unknown if a magazine hadn't found and printed a bunch of her childhood photographs. It had opened old wounds. "Oh, no. Piggy, I'm sorry," he said earnestly.
"Well, you know, these things happen. And they're paying through the nose for me," she said, trying to sound flippant.
"Uh-huh."
"It's a piece of cake. I just have to serve as inspiration for those girls. Encourage them…" Her mask cracked. "Oh, Kermie…"
He took her hand. "I'm here."
"You don't know what it's like, seeing them all dressed like mini-grownups in their heels and dresses and makeup, trying to impress me by acting phony. They've forgotten how to be little girls!"
"Uh-huh," he said, squeezing her hand.
"It made me so mad! I wanted to give them a karate demonstration. Using everyone making the show as practice dummies. And their parents…!"
"It must feel terrible," Kermit told her.
His expression gentle, his eyes looked steadily and sympathetically into hers. "It does," she replied sadly. He was the only one she would open up to. The only one who would understand.
"What're you going to do?" he asked. His thumb stroked the palm of her hand.
She looked away and drew in a breath. Then she said firmly, "What I do best. I'm strong. I'm a pro. I'm stuck in a contract. I'm gonna do their stinkin' show and then I'm gonna throttle Bernie!"
"What are you going to do for the kids?"
He was asking the same question she had been asking herself. "I don't know. If I had my way they wouldn't be there at all!"
"Piggy…Maybe you do have something to teach them. You know what it's like to be in their shoes. You can do more than just show them how to put on eyeliner."
She looked at him for a long moment. Then she turned away, back toward the mirror, to reach for a tissue. It was a bit of a stretch to get to the box without taking her hand from Kermit's. She dabbed her eyes and said, "I don't know."
He asked, "What do you wish someone had told you back then?"
She dabbed at her eyes again, then pulled the tissue box over and grabbed several in one handful. This was more than a one-Kleenex issue.
Kermit realized that he had struck a nerve. He hadn't meant to make this worse for her than it already was. She sat there, making little choking sounds, trying to hold it in. She shouldn't have to do that for him. He leaned forward and put his arms around her, whispering "Let it out." She leaned into his embrace as if needing him for support. She pressed her face into where his shoulder would be and squeezed her eyes closed. He felt the spasms of half-restrained sobs. Within moments she was crying in earnest. Not the photogenic tears that she sometimes used to get her way, but messy crying, the kind that comes from deep within and can't be restrained.
Kermit pressed his cheek to hers and stroked her hair with one hand. She could cry on him all she wanted if it was what she needed. And he had the feeling that she was overdue for this by several decades.
**
That evening the Muppets were winding down. The engines of their creativity had run strong all day, and now it was time to fall back and refuel. Miss Piggy emerged from her dressing room with Kermit. Scooter, who had known better—much better—than to interrupt them, looked over to gauge their mood. They were very close, arm in arm. Together rather than just walking in the same direction. That was good. Miss Piggy's makeup looked fresh, too, as if she had just applied it. He decided not to notice that her eyes were a little pink. He said, "Hi, boss. I've got something to show you."
"Oh, what is it?" Kermit asked
"We did a video. I wanted to see what you think. C'mon over."
Scooter led Kermit and Piggy over to Janken's console. "Jan, roll film."
"Sure thing." Janken tapped a few keys. On one of the monitors a familiar set appeared. "This is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: Muppet Studios. The Muppets are getting ready for their season premiere. We have exclusive footage-" His narration was cut short by an avalanche of shoes.
It was a montage of Muppets working on their acts, or cleaning up backstage, or eating in the canteen, or anything else they felt like doing in front of a camera, edited together to give the impression of a movie trailer. It culminated in a chase scene through the theater and up into the fly space to the tune of Yakety Sax. When it was finished Scooter explained, "I started this out just as a goof, but soon everyone got into the act. What do you think?"
"Looks like you guys went crazy. Why don't you upload that? It could be worth some Internet buzz."
Scooter glanced at Janken, who tapped the Enter key and said, "Done."
Amused, Kermit remarked, "Gee, if I didn't know better I'd think that's what you had in mind all along."
Scooter raised his hand to his forehead in a three-fingered salute. "Be prepared, that the Boy Scouts' solemn creed," he quoted.
Miss Piggy noticed a flicker on his hand. When he lowered it again, she saw that he was wearing a ring. She glanced at Janken's hands and saw that he had one as well. Surprised, she said, "How long have you two been wearing rings?"
Scooter asked, "What time is it?"
Janken glanced at the time display on his console. "About eight hours." He turned in his seat. "We got them at lunch today, Miss Piggy."
"Oh! Are you engaged?"
Scooter laughed. "We just gave each other rings because we wanted to."
"Well, that's a very good reason," she said, and glanced at Kermit.
Normally this would have been his cue to flinch. But her smile was not forced. There was nothing bitter in her manner, no subtext. Rings were nice, but right now the thin-fingered green hand in hers was much more precious.
**
Soon the Muppets were gathering at the bus to go back to the boarding house. Cheerfully Janken said, "Grab your bike. Let's go out."
Scooter had been hoping that Janken wouldn't make that suggestion. He said, "I'm afraid I have to go through these acts, figure out which ones are feasible and how long they'll last and stuff, while I have the quiet time to really focus."
Disappointed, Janken said, "Aw, tonight?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry. This isn't the week for me to let things slide."
"Well…okay. I'll take a rain check."
"Thanks, Jan. I'll make it up."
Janken gave him a short but sincere kiss, then held his eyes with an intense gaze that said that he'd better not wait too long.
Dr. Teeth, already seated in the bus, watched them through the window. Their mission of the noontide had been an unassailable success, he saw. Well, no wonder; he had called ahead and suggested that his friends be treated with utter tact and discretion, qualities that their fine establishment possessed in abundance and of which the illustrious Doctor had never required.
*****
All characters except Janken Fraggle are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. All copyrighted characters are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
Throw it back!
at the piano.
: Cute, cute joke, tickling the ivories, getting the piano to giggle.
Is messy, no?
Bad joke! Bad joke!