Muppet fic: Once in a Lifetime

[Slackbot]

Once in a Lifetime​

Part 2: Time Doesn't Hold You Back​

By Kim McFarland​

*****

It was early evening in the Muppet Theater. The day's chaos had produced results: costumes were sewn, acts were rehearsed, blocking was blocked. Kermit and Scooter had been largely unavailable, which was unusual, but everyone had been so occupied by their own tasks that their absence had hardly been noticed.

Scooter looked up when the door to Kermit's office clicked open. Kermit walked in, noted the scatter of paper copiously decorated with crossouts and handwritten comments on his desk and Scooter's emphatically non-perky expression, and didn't feel good about asking, "What'd you get, Scooter?"

Scooter looked down. "Nothing yet," he said tiredly.

"You haven't been able to schedule anyone for this weekend?" Kermit asked, surprised.

"Nope. Most say they can't do a show on such short notice when we don't even have a script to send 'em. The few that could wanted more than we had in the budget for short notice and overtime for rehearsals. More than we could stretch to." He looked up. "I'm stumped, boss."

"No bites at all? Wow," Kermit said. He'd been sure Scooter could find somebody.

"I'll keep trying, but it's not looking good. Only a few days 'til the show."

"I know, I know."

"Sorry, Kermit."

Kermit realized he'd been looking at the walls, which were covered with framed clippings, playbills, and photos of previous guests. He turned back to Scooter and, looking him in the glasses, said, "I know you did your best. And, yeah, the longer it takes us to find a guest, the less time we're going to have to write and rehearse the show. So, I'm making an executive decision."

"What's that, boss?" Scooter asked, hope in his voice.

"I'm, er, still making it."

**

A few minutes later Kermit got on the PA system and called a meeting. The Muppets quickly filled the audience area. As they took their seats Kermit looked at their eager expressions. They were really looking forward to this show. They had been ever since they had booked their guest star months ago. He was not going to enjoy this.

When they had a quorum Kermit said, "Everyone, please." They continued jabbering among themselves excitedly. "Quiet. Quiet!"

Scooter stood and faced the audience. He shouted, "Kermit's got something to say!"

That startled them into silence. Nobody could remember hearing Scooter yell before. Scooter, grinning—after the day he'd had, it felt good to scream a little—turned to Kermit and said, "Boss."

"Thanks," Kermit said, as surprised as the rest.

Scooter sat down. Behind him, a monkey wearing a vest leaned forward and said admiringly, "You do that very well."

"Thanks, Sal," Scooter replied in a low voice.

Kermit said, "Now, we've all been looking forward to doing a show with Lady Gaga." There was a murmur of enthusiastic agreement. "Well, the good news is that we'll be able to anticipate it for a little longer." Another enthusiastic murmur, which changed in tone as people recognized the implications. Kermit knew that to stall any longer would be futile if not dangerous, and said, "The bad news is that that show has been postponed. She has jury duty. She will be here, just not this weekend."

People expressed their dismay all at once. Well they might; they'd really been busting their britches on the upcoming show. Lew Zeeland exclaimed, "I got a giant fish all special for her!"

Comfortingly Rizzo said, "Awww, too bad. We really feel for ya." He turned away and announced, "So who's up for seafood tonight, huh?"

Lew exclaimed, "You're not eating my chum! He's trained! I'll keep him until the show."

Clifford groaned, "Aw, man, we're never getting our Jacuzzi back."

The Muppets continued their babble of complaint. Fozzie turned back and said as loudly as he dared, "Everyone, wait, listen! I'm sure Kermit has a great plan for the show."

Floyd spoke up. "Yeah? Lay it on us."

Everyone's attention was again on Kermit. Bravely he said, "Well…the fact of the matter is, we haven't been able to schedule a guest for this weekend. So we're going to save the acts we came up with especially for Lady Gaga, use the ones that aren't show-specific this weekend, and come up with whatever we need to fill in the rest."

Miss Piggy had not had a good day. First her agent booked her onto a miniseries called Teeny Weeny Queenies, which she would rather wear off-the-rack clothes than appear in. And now this! Her temper erupted. "Are you telling me that I spent all week on our act, getting the costume and all that other weird makeup and stuff together, and now we don't have a guest star at all?!"

Scooter began, "We only found out today. I spent all afternoon on the phone-"

It had been a bad decision to open his mouth, Scooter realized when Piggy stood and rounded on him. "Doing what? Obviously not talking to anyone's agent!"

Kermit said, loudly enough to be heard to the back of the theater, "Piggy! Scooter knows his job, and he did the best he could! We only found out today and there wasn't enough time to get someone else! Nobody could have done any better."

Piggy fought with her instinct, which was to karate chop someone who deserved it. Kermit, who knew her well and was prepared for the possible consequences, took her by the hand. The gesture startled her enough to let him continue. "Piggy, nobody likes this. But what we have to do now is just start planning this weekend's show."

Her eyes met his. Kermit braced himself. She pulled her arm out of his grasp with a quick jerk. She shot a glare at Scooter, than sat down again.

The moment of crisis had passed. Kermit raised his voice and said, "We'll broadcast the TV episodes out of order so hers will still be the season opener. This is a big disappointment, but not a show-stopper. Remember, this has happened to us before."

Fozzie said, "So, we're just going to have a show without a guest star?"

Gonzo said, "Hey, it's the Muppet Show. We can carry it!"

"So says our fan mail," Rizzo chimed in.

"That's right. So this would be a great time to try out some new ideas," Kermit suggested.

That sparked some interest, and Muppets began chattering amongst themselves. One thing Muppets never did was run out of ideas. Good ideas was a different issue. Kermit decided that this week it didn't matter if an act succeeded, flopped, or transformed midway through, as long as it did it big. And this would be a welcome opportunity to let the guys blow off some steam.

Janken, who had been sitting quietly beside Scooter, said, "Um, Kermit? Maybe this would be a good time to try showing the backstage on the side screens?"

The idea had been discussed before. It sounded like it would work: film backstage scenes ahead of time, then project them onto tricot screens lowered to the sides of the stage. It would give the audience the impression that they could see what was going on on the other side of the wall. It might work and it might flop. He said, "This is the weekend to try that out. When we start getting acts together let's film the backstage bits."

Someone else called for Kermit's attention. Scooter turned to Janken and said, "You read my mind. I was going to suggest that."

"I thought so." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "For a second I thought Piggy was going to hit you!"

"So did I. It wouldn't be the first time."

"Yeah, I know," Janken said uneasily.

"Oh, don't worry. She wouldn't really clobber the guy who handles her travel arrangements."

**

The Muppets spent a productive evening spitballing ideas and possible backstage plots. Kermit had hoped that turning this setback into an opportunity would appease them, and so far it had.

Soon it was time to head home. They started for the bus. Scooter hung back while others boarded the psychedelically-painted former schoolbus. Janken walked his bicycle out. Scooter said, "See you tomorrow."

"See you," Janken, answered. With a smile he bumped his nose against Scooter's—their private shorthand for a kiss—and then the Fraggle mounted up and rode off.

Scooter got into the bus. It was half full. He started down the aisle. Miss Piggy, seated at the front and holding a place for Kermit, said, "Oh, Scooter,"

"Yes, Miss Piggy?"

"I hope you didn't misunderstand me earlier. I never said this was your fault. Moi was merely expressing moi's disappointment at an unfortunate situation."

Scooter recognized an apology when he heard one, indirect though it might be. "No problem," he told her. "I knew what you meant."

He took a seat a few rows back, mentally going over the tasks he would need to take care of that evening and in the morning. He went down a list he had done so many times he knew it by heart. He was halfway through when he realized that everything hinged on the guest star. Without a guest and while everyone was coming up with new acts there was nothing he really had to do. He heard the engine start up, setting the bus vibrating gently beneath him. He hopped up and quickly went up to the front. Beauregard was closing the door. Scooter said, "Bo, wait, lemme out."

"You should have thought of that before you left the theater."

"No, not that. I'm gonna take my bike."

Bo pulled the lever that opened the door. "Okay. Race you?"

"Some other time. See you tomorrow," Scooter said as he went down the stairs.

As the bus pulled away Scooter went to the back door and unlocked it again. He took his bicycle out, locked the door again, and rode out the alley.

**

Janken Fraggle had returned to his basement apartment, which was not far from the theater by bicycle. It was a pleasant ride, especially at night. He hadn't felt like cooking, so he had made himself a carrot and radish sandwich and was eating it while watching a DVD he had borrowed from the library. He startled when he heard a knock at the door.

He put the sandwich down and paused the DVD. When he opened the door he said in surprise, "Scooter? Come in."

Scooter said with a grin, "I changed my mind. I need to get away from it all."

Scooter came in, and they kissed. Janken said, "The day you've had, I don't wonder. You can't have had time to eat. I'll make you something."

"Thanks."

While Janken was retrieving fruits and vegetables from the mini-refrigerator and cutting them up, Scooter looked at the image on the DVD player screen. It was something animated that he didn't recognize.

Janken wasn't into owning things; all his possessions would fill a banker's box, and of those the only items he would miss if he lost them were a scarf and a pair of socks, both from Fraggle Rock. The scarf was colorful, made of Fraggle wool from his family, and the socks…well, as far as Scooter could tell Fraggles just liked socks. Anyway, Janken hadn't wanted to own a television or DVD player; such things were "stuff," encumbrances. He had always just watched videos at the library. But, Scooter saw, he had been making use of the portable DVD player that Scooter had left with him.

Janken set a platter of neatly arranged sliced vegetables, fruit, cheese, and dip down on the coffee table. He said, "Thanks for giving me an excuse to make one of these up."

"Thanks. Oh, there's another reason I came over," he said seriously.

"Really? What? Want tea?"

"Icewater, if you don't mind."

"'Kay. What's the other reason?"

"I wanted to be with you."

Grinning, Janken set a pair of glasses on the table, one tea and one icewater. "It didn't occur to me that it might be otherwise. Want a shoulder massage?"

"Thanks, maybe later. Right now I just want to relax. What're you watching?"

"My Neighbor Totoro. Myazaki. The two girls remind me of my little sisters. Heard of it?"

"I don't think so. Let's watch."

Janken brought the DVD back to the title menu, then pressed play. While the movie was loading he sat by Scooter on the couch and put the platter on his and Scooter's laps. Scooter put his arm around Janken's shoulders, drawing him close, and Janken rested his head comfortably on Scooter's shoulder. They watched the movie and ate.

*****

All characters except Janken Fraggle are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. All copyrighted characters are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[charlietheowl]

I really like seeing Scooter yell, it's so against how he is normally depicted, but fits in with all the stress he's been feeling lately. Plus I'm imagining Lew sitting and talking to fish in the jacuzzi while a bunch of Muppets stand angrily nearby with towels and those drinks with the little umbrellas in them, lol.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Slackbot]

Yeah, Scooter normally isn't the type to holler, is he? But he's not going off at someone, just calling for attention. Anyone remember the gag in a few early M*A*S*H episodes in which Colonel Blake or Burns can't get the attention of a rowdy crowd, so Radar shouts and everyone immediately pipes down? Like that.

Heh, I bet Lew Zeeland has been monopolizing the Jacuzzi for a long time. Some people might be willing to hang out with the fish, but Lew's turned off the heat. Can't have a boiled co-star, can you? Don't answer that, Rizzo.

Lady Gaga did have a giant fish as part of one of her acts. Or maybe it was a video of a fish. Whatever. Anyway, it was made by Henson.

 

[The Count]

Er, my name's spelled "Zealand". Like the country next to Australia.

Yeah, an episode full of Muppet acts and backstage hyjinks with no guest star. *Waits for Gonzo to bring in the Benedectine Monkees out of retirement or Sid Knishes and his Mashed Potatoes. Hopefully Bobo finds someone who's more helpful in finding a guest star than Jay Leno. Hee, this just reaks of MT in a good way.

And when the pig's not happy, ain't anyone happy. At least she did try to apologize to Scooter.

This story is proving to be nice and fun, will come back for the next chapter.

 

[Slackbot]

Huh? I wonder how I got it into my head that his last name is spelled "Zeeland"? Thanks for the correction.

Who's to say that these best laid plans aren't going to go awry? Or be utterly derailed by other developments? Where did you get the idea that I plan to make it that easy for 'em, huh?

Piggy did really feel bad for snapping at Scooter. Scooter has her pegged, and understands that when she claimed to have meant something different from what she said she's acknowledging that she wasn't right, and that's good enough for him. (Jan doesn't understand her anywhere near as well, which is why that situation disturbed him so much.)

Here's something I drew last year. Stick in the fruit & veggie plate and it could be an illustration for the end of this chapter.

 

[dwayne1115]

Ah so many things to love about this chapter!
I love the idea of not having a guest star on the show, and have them trying out all of there new stuff whether they work or not. It's kind of like the Steve Martin episode of the Muppet Show.
I love how much Scooter is evolving in this story, and we are only two chapters into it. In most Muppet productions we only have really seen one side of Scooter, and this story is bringing more depth to his character.
I'm starting to like Janken Fraggle, but I wonder if you have more on a back story of him, and how he ended up leaving Fraggle Rock to be with the Muppets. The relationship between him and Scooter is interesting, and I think it will be neat to see where it goes. I have never really thought of Scooter being in a male/male relationship, but I can kind of understand it.
Lastly, the Kermit and Piggy dialog was very good. I love how Kermit tried a more calm approach with Piggy, even going as far as touching her to calm her down. It will be very interesting to see if Piggy will go to Kermit with all of the problems that she had on that day.
I can't wait for more, oh and very nice drawing as well. Did you know you where going to do this story when you drew the picture?

 

[The Count]

For Janken's backstory, I recommend you read Kim's The Mamas and The Papas, and then A Wandering Heart as those two explain the Fraggle's current situation best, and after that Masks pretty much brings him to the theater troop as their on-hand camera operator.
Hope this helps.

 

[Slackbot]

Thanks, Count! Yeah, I've been developing my Muppet/Fraggle continuity for a while, including the reopening of the Muppet Theater and revival of The Muppet Show, the lives of the Fraggles, and various character threads. Scooter and Janken have been together since my fic Masks, which was Janken's first fic appearance. Later on I wrote A Wandering Heart, which was about how Janken came to leave Fraggle Rock and ended up living in Outer Space and working as a tech, of all things. The Mamas and The Papas shows a much younger Janken among his family. (He's one of the children of the Fraggle Five. Mokey's his mother, and he calls Gobo, Boober, and Wembley all Papa, although you can probably look at his nose and guess who his sire is.)

I didn't have this story in mind when I drew that picture. It's just the kind of thing I pictured them doing. Eventually the scene was incorporated into a story. It's the kind of thing I do, imagining little scenes and events and drawing or writing them, and then incorporating them into a story later on. At least three chapters of The Minstrel's Path were written as stand-alones before I put them in the serial.

 

[dwayne1115]

Well you have a new fan! I can't wait to read more!

 

[Slackbot]

Once in a Lifetime​

Part 3: This Is Not My Beautiful Wife​

By Kim McFarland​

*****


It was Tuesday morning. Muppets would soon be at the theater if they weren't there already, working on acts for the upcoming weekend. Scooter, his eyes unfocused by sleep, checked his phone. There were no messages for him. Good.

He was lying in his pajamas on the couch that served as a bed. Janken was, of course, already up. The Fraggle popped out of bed at the crack of dawn. Literally; sunlight woke him up. This wasn't a problem in winter, but during summer it could be downright exasperating. At least he was kind enough to let Scooter sleep in. Or, as he was doing today, to awaken him with something pleasant, like the smell of coffee and breakfast.

Scooter sat up and stretched. Janken, hearing the movement, looked over and smiled. He was still in his pajamas too. Scooter got up and went to the bathroom, where he brushed him teeth and otherwise prepared himself for the rigors of consciousness. Then he returned to the living room, which was the only other room of the apartment. Janken was turning a vegetable and mushroom omelet out of an electric wok onto a plate.

Sitting on the couch again, this time in its capacity as a couch, Scooter said, "Good timing."

Janken handed him a cup of coffee. "You trained me well."

Scooter sipped the drink. It had just the right amount of cream and sugar. Janken couldn't stand coffee; he was a tea drinker. Thank heavens for instant coffee. Scooter supposed that one could say that he had trained Janken to wake him up with coffee and breakfast, or one could say that Janken had trained him to get up without complaint at the smell of food and caffeine. However you looked at it, it worked.

Janken divided the omelet, set out some biscuits, and served two bowls of fruit salad with yogurt and granola. To Scooter, who had been acclimated to cereal and waffles and bacon, this had originally seemed weird, but once he got used to it, it was really good. One thing you could say about Fraggles: even though they were vegetarians they ate well. Afterward Scooter washed the dishes. That was the usual division of labor, as Janken enjoyed cooking and, if it was left to Scooter, they would have been eating a lot of PBJ sandwiches.

They hadn't discussed that; it had just happened. A lot of things just worked themselves out these days. They knew each other that well, and if there were any sticky points, they were comfortable talking about them, so tension didn't build.

Janken asked, "When are we going to the theater?"

"Probably shouldn't wait long."

"Yeah."

"Jan, want to do some shopping during lunch?"

"Shopping for what?"

"I was thinking, maybe we could get rings."

"Rings?" From the way Scooter said that, it had been on his mind for a while. Janken sat next to him.

"Yeah. People who are couples often wear rings," Scooter explained.

"Wedding rings," Janken said uncomfortably. The idea of pairing off with someone was fine, but Janken found the social and legal structure surrounding marriage appalling. Love was too personal a thing to be treated like a contract.

Scooter said, "I know Fraggles don't marry. I just thought, well, I'd like to wear a ring, and I'd like to give you one too."

Janken asked, "What would it mean?"

"Just that I love you."

Janken looked at Scooter thoughtfully. After a long moment he smiled. "Yes, I'll wear a ring that means I love you."

Scooter grinned and hugged Janken. "Great!"

Janken laughed a little. Then he asked, "What kind of ring?"

"Men's rings are usually pretty simple. I was thinking a band of some kind. Couples usually get matching rings."

"I like simple. I don't think I could manage rocks like Miss Piggy and Dr. Teeth wear."

"I don't know how Teeth pulls his sleeves over those things."

Janken picked Scooter's smart phone up off the coffee table. "Can I?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't know much about rings. I'd like to see what they look like."

"Oh, sure, go ahead."

Janken tapped on the screen. "Um, if it turns out that I can't wear it on my hand, could I wear it around my neck?"

"Wouldn't that be kind of a pinch?"

Janken nudged him with an elbow. "I mean, on a chain or something."

"Sure, that'd be fine. I wouldn't want it to be uncomfortable."

"Thanks." The browser was now up. Janken asked, "Is there a site I should go to?"

"Just Google around."

Janken tapped in the URL with some difficulty and selected a likely-looking link. A few more clicks brought them to a long page of men's rings. They came in a wide variety, from simple, unadorned bands to glittery gauds. Scooter let Janken scroll around for a while, looking at the styles.

Janken turned to Scooter. "The pictures are so tiny. I don't know what it'll look and feel like on my hand."

"We'll buy from a place in town, not online. We can try 'em on," Scooter assured him. "I like the simple ones, myself." He pointed to several bands that were either plain or had simple engraved designs.

"Yeah," Janken nodded. Then he said, "Um, if we buy them from a store here, someone might see us."

"Yeah, and someone's sure to notice if we start wearing matching rings during the show."

They both knew from their time spent on Muppet message boards that fans were notorious for noticing those kinds of little details. Janken said, "We won't wear 'em on camera, right?"

"I'll keep mine on."

"Then I should take mine off?" Janken asked, puzzled.

Scooter said quietly, "I mean, let 'em notice. And if they put two and two together, well, okay."

"You want people to find out we're gay?" Janken had never been self-conscious about that—among Fraggles, sexual orientation was no big deal—but Scooter had wanted to keep it a secret. So, in public and on camera they were just friends. Outside of Fraggle Rock, only the other Muppets and Scooter's sister Skeeter knew the truth. Janken hadn't expected Scooter ever to volunteer to drop the mask.

Scooter explained, "Well... I just don't feel the way I used to about it. Even after everybody told me I'm okay, there's nothing wrong with me until it finally stuck, still, it's hard letting go of that baggage. If I'd known someone else like me who was like me—does that make sense?" Janken nodded encouragingly "If I'd known, maybe I wouldn't have felt so weird, been afraid of what I am. Now, well, I feel silly about that."

Janken put an arm around Scooter. "You shouldn't," he said.

"I guess it boils down to, I don't want to hide any more. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to make a big deal about it either, though, because it isn't. This way, I can let 'em figure it out for themselves without making a production out of it, 'Hey, look at me, I'm gay,' ugh. If word gets out, well, let it. And maybe there's someone else out there who feels like I used to, and maybe it'll help 'em to know there someone else out there like them."

"Yeah."

"Boy, did that need a script editor," Scooter stage whispered. Then he said, "But this isn't about getting noticed, Jan. I love you, and I want to wear a ring that means that. That's all. Um…what do you think about this? Letting people figure it out?"

Janken smiled and took his hand. "Scooter, I'd wear your ring even if I had to pierce my tail to do it."

Several minutes later the conversation switched back to verbal mode. Scooter said, "So, want to go shopping today?"

"Are you sure you'll have the time?" Janken asked.

"I'll make the time," Scooter answered.

*****

All characters except Janken Fraggle are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. All copyrighted characters are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.