I'm back with more fic! If you recognize the song at the end you get ten dorkiness points.
*****
Once in a Lifetime
Part 12: Water Dissolving and Water Removing
by Kim McFarland
*****
A hog in a charcoal gray suit said, "Point twelve. Filming and recording in other forms, including but not limited to visual, audio, and motion capture. No segments of the rehearsals or show shall be recorded by your people, except for parts to be performed by the children specified in the
Teeny Weeny Queenies program. If any additional footage of the show is needed, we will supply that. As for additional backstage footage, we will review what you wish to use for the program or for other broadcast or archival purposes. Agreed?"
The member of the legal staff from the
Teeny Weeny Queenies studio who had drawn the short stick that day nodded, as did Kermit. Scooter was taking notes, and Miss Piggy watched sternly. She was not going to permit any interference by the studio at this stage, and with the help of her attorneys there would be none.
Beanes said, "Point thirteen. Releases and parental permission. I believe your staff has already seen to those matters?"
"Yes. The parents have all given their permission—some quite enthusiastically—for this 'change of venue' and have signed releases." He handed over copies of signed forms.
Beanes flipped through them. "Very good. And finally, music rights. You will be responsible for securing rights to any music from our show to be used on your program. We will be glad to provide contact information to aid you in the matter."
"Understood."
"Those are all the matters we wished to discuss. Do you have any concerns of your own?"
"No, I'm satisfied that we have ironed everything out."
Beanes said, "Kermit?"
"Yes, everything's fine." He glanced at Scooter, who gave a little nod, then at Piggy.
Sweetly Miss Piggy said, "Thank you all for coming here to settle these matters on such short notice. You have all been
très magnifique."
The various attendees stood and shook hands, as required by unspoken convention. Then the studio's attorney escaped. Miss Piggy said to Beanes, "You had 'em eatin' out of the palm of your hand."
Beanes replied, "You laid the groundwork, Miss Piggy."
By that, she knew, he meant that she had already intimidated the studio enough that they would agree to her attorney's conditions. In short, she'd taught them that it's not smart to cross this pig.
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Scooter, and Beanes stepped out of Kermit's office. The girls were waiting outside, as were the rest of the staff, who were being briefed by their attorney. The girls looked at Piggy expectantly. She said, "Well, what're you all waiting for? Let's do this thing!"
The girls cheered. Miss Piggy smiled; they were playing it up for the cameras. She approved. She said, "I've got an act for us. Scooter was going to make copies-" She turned to him.
He said, "They're on the desk."
She looked at the desk that served Kermit and Scooter as a backstage control center. Near the top of the mass of papers and envelopes and things was a set of photocopied printouts. She took them. "Let's go to the other side," she told the girls, beckoning.
They went through the crossing to backstage left, which was the calmest part of the theater. They would be mostly out of the way here, and there would be little interference. The only person who hung around on this side was Janken, at his control console. She herded them over to the far wall, where there were boxes and things to sit on. After the camera crew got into place Miss Piggy handed the printouts around. "We're going to do this number in the show. Some of you may already know it."
Pepper exclaimed, "Neat! I've seen both the movie and the play!"
Duffy asked, "What movie?"
"
Little Orphan Annie," Pepper told her. "The orphanage girls sang it. 'It's a hard-knock life…for us!' That one."
"I remember that. Who's going to be Annie?" Duffy asked Miss Piggy.
Julie said to Kate, "You could be Sandy."
Kate replied, "I can't do that thing with my eyes."
Pepper interjected, "I'll be the Leapin' Lizard!"
They giggled. Miss Piggy, smiling, said, "We won't be doing a scene from the show. It'll just be you girls, raising heck. There are three backstage skits that'll lead up to the song. We'll film those tomorrow, before the show."
Molly flipped through at the sheets Piggy gave her. "I don't have a script for those."
"We never script those. We just figure out what we're going to do, and then we do it several times and pick the best one," Piggy told her.
"Cool," Pepper said.
Tessie said, "I can't do this."
"Why not?" Miss Piggy asked, surprised.
"I just can't," she said sullenly.
Kate said, "Oh, don't be a pill!"
"I'll do the backstage stuff. But not that song."
Little prima donna twerp, can't stand to share the stage, Piggy thought. "Why?"
Tessie looked around. The other girls were all ticked off at her, which didn't bother her, but Miss Piggy wasn't happy. That was bad news. And the cameras were rolling. She said, "I'll tell you, Miss Piggy. But not everyone. Just you."
The other girls stayed quiet while Piggy and Tessie locked gazes for a few moments. Then Miss Piggy said, "All right. Let's go to my dressing room." Looking at the other girls, she said, "We'll be back in a minute."
The two turned to leave. When the cameras started to follow Piggy snapped, "Stay where you are, buster."
*
When they got to Miss Piggy's dressing room Piggy shut the door and, as nicely as she could, said, "Why don't you want to do that song?"
Tessie glanced around, as if searching for an escape, for a moment before answering. "I'm sorry. It's not that I want to mess it up. I want to do this show! But I
can't. I can't sing. I sound awful!"
Surprised, Piggy said, "Your singing can't be
that bad."
"It is. I didn't know this was going to happen. You were just supposed to show us how to win pageants, and then pick the winner! I bet I'd have won. You don't have to sing in pageants. You just have to look really pretty, and I'm good at that," she said all in a rush.
"Is that all you want to do? Just look pretty?" Piggy asked gently.
Stubbornly Tessie replied, "It's what I do."
Changing tactics, Piggy said, "I bet you're a better singer than you think. And this would be a group song, not a solo."
"I can't sing."
"Won't you at least try?"
"No."
"How about right here, just for me?"
Tessie realized that she wasn't going to get out of this cleanly. She said, "All right, all right.
"A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
H, I, J, K, L M N O P."
Inwardly Miss Piggy flinched. The girl's voice wasn't bad, but she was so off key that if the girl had been humming rather than singing she would not have recognized the tune. She might be tone deaf, Piggy thought.
Tessie finished the song, then said grimly, "Don't tell me that wasn't so bad. It was."
Piggy had an idea. "If you didn't have to sing, would you do the song?"
"Huh? How?"
"You could lip-sync the song. Move your mouth as if you're singing, but don't actually sing. Nobody will hear the difference between five voices and six."
"The other girls will know."
Piggy sat down at her vanity, and motioned Tessie to sit in one of the other chairs. She said, "This is a show. We have all sorts of little tricks to make things look and sound good. What if someone has a sore throat one day? We can't throw them out of the show, cancel their act and everything. Often they'll still go onstage, and someone backstage will sing into a mic for them."
Indignantly Tessie said, "That's cheating!"
"That's putting on a show. This isn't a recital or a contest, it's show biz." In a gentler tone she said, "The audience isn't a judge's panel. They want to be entertained. Will you give it a try?"
Tessie sighed. "I guess I gotta, because everyone would kill me if I backed out."
Piggy said, "And they'd put it on TV and make a big deal out of it. People who make reality shows live for that kind of drama. You want to give them the satisfaction?"
Tessie smirked. "Nah."
"That's right. So' c'mon, let's get to work. We have a dance to learn."
Miss Piggy got up. Tessie asked, "Can I choose what I get to wear?"
Miss Piggy thought about it. The girls could be running amok backstage, and make a detour through the wardrobe department… "I think so."
"Great!" She hopped up, then took Miss Piggy's hand and said quietly, "Thank you."
Miss Piggy squeezed her hand. "You're welcome."
Tessie walked to the door. Over her shoulder she said, "I was really scared. Mom told me never to sing. I'd look terrible."
Miss Piggy's throat caught.
*
The girls had been speculating quietly among themselves. Would Tessie quit or be cut? None of them particularly liked her; she was so aloof, they thought of her as stuck up. But if she dropped out what would it do to the show? They shared their opinions in whispers so the camera crew wouldn't pick anything up. They didn't want anything that made them look mean to get on TV.
Miss Piggy and Tessie returned to the group. Miss Piggy said, "It's settled. Now, let's get to rehearsin'! We'll start back here, and when we have a good handle on the song and dance we'll move it to the stage."
*
Miss Piggy worked with her group for several hours. They were bright, and learned the song and basic blocking easily. The others noticed that Tessie wasn't singing, but they wisely kept their comments to themselves. They had enough to keep them busy!
When they finished that evening, the other Muppets were leaving to go home. Janken was about to shut down the console when Scooter said through the intercom, "Can you stay a little late? There's something I want to film."
"Sure," Janken replied.
Janken waited at his post for a few minutes, until Scooter came over. Scooter said, "Whew. Took a while to square things away. What a week."
Janken asked, "So what's the mystery project?"
"I want to make a short video. And I want your opinion on it, because it has something to do with you too."
Perplexed, Janken said, "Okay. What do you want me to do?"
"I'd like to film this onstage, but against the back wall, no scenery or anything. I'm just going to talk to the camera."
"Okay. I'll set up one of the hand cams on a tripod."
They went out on the stage. Scooter placed a chair several feet away from the wall, and Janken set up the camera in front of that. When it was ready Janken said, "Sit in the seat so I can frame you. How wide do you want this?"
"I'll be talking to the camera, sitting here, not moving around. I just wanted the back wall for a sense of place. Um, the back of the chair's going to show, isn't it?"
"Unless I go tight on your face and shoulders, yeah. Or I could make it look like a Snapple ad."
"Ha. Hold on, gimme a moment." He went offstage, then came back with a stool. He put that in place of the chair. He sat and said, "How about that?"
"Hold on." Janken raised the camera a little—the stool was a few inches taller than the chair—then said, "Yeah, that's good."
"Let me see the framing."
"Sure."
Scooter got up and checked the image on the back of the camera. "Yeah, that's just right."
"Okay. Shall we film a dry run first?"
Scooter shook his head. "No. I've gone over this a hundred times in my head, and I just want to do it. In one take, if I can."
Concerned, Janken said, "You look nervous, Scoot. What's this about?"
"Just film it. Then you'll understand, I promise."
"Well, okay," Janken said.
Scooter sat back on the stool. His face was composed, Janken saw, but his hands, below camera range, were tense. "Ready?"
"Wait. Um, Jan, do you need to do anything with the camera while it's filming? If I don't move around, can you just turn it on and leave it?"
"For something like this, yeah. Why?"
"Would you mind standing off to the side? I want to talk straight to the camera."
And he couldn't do that if Janken was behind it? But he had to have his reasons. "Okay. I'll go back to the console and watch on the monitor. I'll control it from back there. Let me know when you're ready to start."
"Thanks, Jan." As Janken went backstage again Scooter took a few deep breaths, looking upward, at the balcony and the curtains that shielded the flyspace from the audience. He opened his hands and put them on his legs, willing them to relax. Then he said, "Roll 'em."
*
Five minutes later Scooter paused, then said, "Okay, cut."
The red light went off on the camera. A moment later Janken came out of the wings. Scooter asked, "What do you think?"
Wordlessly Janken gave Scooter a warm, sincere hug. Scooter hugged back. He felt drained and a little shaky. He needed this.
After a minute Janken said, "I don't know how you did that all in one take. I'd never have been able to keep it together."
"I had to keep myself moving. Remember the next point and go on to that. Did it look stagey?"
"No. It didn't look scripted at all. A little rough, but in the right places. It looked real."
"Good. It was."
"So, what now? Upload it?"
"No. I'm not a hundred percent sure I want to put it out there. I'm
nearly sure. In a day or two I bet I will be. But for now I'd just like to let it sit."
"That's fine. Even if nobody else ever sees it, I'm glad I did."
"Heh."
Janken held him a little longer, then gave him a light kiss and said, "Anything I can do?"
"Actually, yeah. It's been a heavy day. I could really use a laugh right now."
"Hmm. Lemme think…ah. Be right back." He held up one finger, then tapped Scooter on the nose. Then he went back into the wings.
He was backstage for a few minutes. Cueing up a song, Scooter guessed. It was always music with Fraggles. He was proven right when he heard soft guitar music over the theater's sound system. Janken walked out of the wings again and crooned,
"Mai-ia-hii, mai-ia-huu, mai-ia-haa, mai-ia-haha,
Mai-ia-hii, mai-ia-huu, mai-ia-haa, mai-ia-haha,"
A bass line joined the guitar. He yodeled,
"Mai-ia-hii, mai-ia-huu, mai-ia-haa, mai-ia-haha!
Mai-ia-hii, mai-ia-huu, mai-ia-haa, mai-ia-haha!"
Janken stepped forward and sang seductively and phonetically to a very confused Scooter,
"Alo? Salut. Sunt eu, un haiduc.
Si te rog iubirea mea primeşte, fericirea.
Alo, alo? Sunt eu, Picasso.
Ţi-am dat beep şi sunt voinic
Dar să ştii nu-ţi cer nimic."
He stepped back and began waving his arms ridiculously.
"Vrei să pleci dar nu mă, nu mă iei,
Nu mă, nu mă iei, nu mă, nu mă, nu mă iei."
Scooter laughed. Now he recognized the song! Both of them waved their arms and sang,
"Chipul tău şi dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tăi!"
****
All named characters except Janken, Duffy, Tessie, Molly, Kate, Julie, and Pepper are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC.
Dragostea Din Tei (often known as "the numa numa song" is by the Moldavian group O-Zone. All copyrighted materials are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken, Duffy, Tessie, Molly, Kate, Julie, and Pepper are copyright © Kim McFarland (
negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
Welcome to the Muppet Central Forum!
Jim Henson Idea Man
Back to the Rock Season 2
Bear arrives on Disney+
Sam and Friends Book
