Once upon of time, there were three bears, a momma bear, a papa bear, and a baby bear.
One day, they were getting ready to have some porridge for breakfast, Papa Bear served up three bowls for his family, but when he took a bite of his porridge...
"YEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW! This porridge is much too hot!"
"Ever heard of BLOWING ON IT FIRST?" replied Mama Bear.
"Well this is no good, this porridge is far to hot for us to eat... you know what this means, don't you?" asked Papa Bear.
"I know, I know, we gotta go for a walk in the woods as the porridge cools..."
So the three bears got up from the table and stormed out of the house for a walk as their porridge cooled; it wasn't until Goldilocks waltz into the house.
"Hello! Anybody home?" she shouted, but was met with silence, so with that, she walked over to the table to help herself to some porridge; first, she tried Papa Bear's bowl...
"AHH! Ah... ah... ah... ah... oh, that'th hot!" She cried, so she grabbed a bottle of milk and dumped into Mama Bear's bowl...
"Ick! That makes it too cold... and milky!" So, she tasted a spoonful from Baby Bear's bowl...
"This is just right." So she gobbled the rest of his porridge in one gigantic bite; the ungrateful little brat then strolled into the living room to watch Maury, but was met with another complication as she sat in Papa Bear's chair.
"Hmfph! This chair is far too big!" So with that, she strolled over to Mama's Bear's, only to find her bodacious butt wouldn't go between the arm rests.
"Nope! Too narrow! Curse this water weight!" So she went over to Baby Bear's chair.
"Ah, this is just right!" So she turned on the TV to watch Maury, but she got so worked up and the idiots claiming not to be the babies' fathers then her violent rocking broke the chair; so saying she decided she wanted some private time, so she went upstairs and jumped into Papa Bear's bed...
"Ouch!" She said, rubbing her head, "This bed's hard as a... rock?" So she slipped out of it, and over to Mama Bear's bed, but when she did, she sank into the mattress...
"Stupid Tempurpedic mattress! Too soft!" So she got out of Mama Bear's bed and got into Baby Bear's bed.
"Hey, now this is just right!" So as the bed started rockin', the bears came a knockin'.
"No we didn't!" Said Papa Bear, who was now enjoying the Witch's gingerbread house... but why is that?
"Oh let's face it," said Mama Bear, "we know Goldilocks was going to be eating our porridge anyway, it happens everytime!"
"That's why when we went for our walk today, we'd stop by the witch's house and have breakfast there!" Added Papa Bear.
"Now what's going to happen when Hansel and Gretel show up?" The witch cried, but was met with Hansel and another girl.
"Gretel won't be showing up today, this is my friend, Debbie." Hansel said to the witch.
"Debbie?" everyone else exclaimed.
"Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's ME!" Debbie proclaimed as she finished dumping out her box of breath mints.
"What's with the breath mints?" Asked the witch.
"To help us find our way home," said Hansel, only to discover that the mints were all gone, but the birds suddenly smelled fresh; suddenly, a big, purple bunny hopped in.
"Hey, I'm The Magic Bunny Guy, care for some drugs?" he asked.
"Hey! This is a family tale!" Baby Bear cried.
"Oh really? Tell that to the girl who's soiling your sheets back home, fuzzy!" Said the bunny to Baby Bear.
And so the three bears stormed back for their home, saw the chairs were ruined, but didn't care since their Anti-Goldilocks Insurance would pay for the damages; they stormed upstairs and found Baby Bear's bed rocking.
"Sorry kid, but you're not the master of your domain today!" Papa Bear growled, startling Goldilocks.
"Ahh! Don't you people ever KNOCK?" She screamed.
With that, Goldilocks was thrown out the bedroom window, and landed on an island inhabited by a talking dragon.
"Well howdy, I'm H.R. Pufnstuf, the mayor of Living Island! Have you see The Magic Bunny Guy lately? He was supposed to make a deliver earlier this morning but he never showed up" said the dragon to the naughty little girl.
"Um, no, but judging by the looks of things, I think this place is well on it's way to becoming the Altered State of Drugachusetts!" Said Goldilocks just as Jimmy ran up.
"Pufnstuf!" Jimmy cried, "The Witch captured Freddie, we've got to get to her castle and fast!" Goldilocks then tackled Jimmy to the ground, and then...
*Gets shot*