MopFam 4: Cacti are Not Welcome

[Beauregard]

Father Moppet: *amused* I knew a pirate named Rupert with a wooden leg. I know what you're thinking...what did he call the other one? ...wait...

 

[Harvey Towers]

*The tent flap opens and the head of Mr Harvey followed by the bodies of Mr Harvey and Suzan respectively come through*

Mr Harvey: Rated R? That’s three before U isn’t it? And two after and then eleven after PG. I suppose it depends on what system you use. Not that I watch pirate movies. The quality isn't very good. I blame the I patch over the lens. Do you know I used to classify my films by how many exposures they had... Twenty-four, thirty-six and so on. Even I realise that’s a bit old fashioned. We are all metric here after all! I like to sew two films together these days and make a sixty frame film. Two and a half seconds of enjoyment when played at the right speed. I expect you all do something similar! Still I haven’t got time to chat incessantly; I just popped over to give you this Mr Moppet. It’s from the Management.

*Mr Harvey gives Mr Moppet an instamatic Polaroid box brownie pinhole camera*

Mr Harvey: I expect it’s too dark in here to be of any use. Why it’s so dark that I expect there are some people I haven’t even noticed and will go on to fail to acknowledge or interact with.

*The camera fails to pan round to show Suzan’s head which has yet to enter the tent*

 

[Beauregard]

Father Moppet: Why, Mr Harvey! *holds up a similarly shaped instamatic Polaroid box brownie pinhole camera* Snap. I received a similar package from Management, do you know what it means? Mine contained a film, but I cleaned that out with some kitchen roll...

 

[Harvey Towers]

It’s not voice activated Mr Moppet, you can’t just say “snap”, silly! You have to press this button.
*takes a picture of Mr Moppet, causing a blinding flash*
While that’s developing, look at this picture I took of Suzan earlier.

*Mr Harvey holds his finger over Suzan’s face*

*He moves his finger to reveal that he had accidentally had his finger in front of the camera lens when he took the picture*

SuZan! Take this back to the office and have it blown up at once! It will come in handy as a substitute if for some reason I can’t put my finger on something.
Mr Moppet, in answer to your question, no. I can’t comprehend the reason why we’ve been given these cameras. I’ve had nothing at all in the way of memos from the Management on my “Memos from the Management” app on my Wilson’s Standard Issue Touch Screen Tablet Computer. I can only assume that they want us to photograph something in order to record it for posterity.

*looks at the newly developed photo of Mr Moppet*

I never knew you had such tiny pupils.

 

[Beauregard]

Father Moppet: I think you may be getting me mixed up with Mr Cole...he has tiny pupils, and some huge ones, but the school nutritional department are getting onto that as we speak.

 

[Harvey Towers]

Mr Harvey: Didn’t Rupert with the wooden leg have tiny pupils? And a pronounced limp. Spelt L, I, M, P, pronounced limp. Or was that the dog with no nose? In any case I’m going to change the film in this camera and hold myself in readiness. Watch.

*Mr Harvey, having opened the camera, produces a watch*

So that’s what the Management meant when they said to keep the minutes in camera!

*hands Mr Moppet the gold pocket watch*

You’d better have this Mr Moppet. It does look a bit nautical. Or should that be nicicle? I can never remember which grow up and which grow down. Now you’ve got the time do you have any inclination of what we’re supposed to do?

_
Footnote: The “minutes in camera” joke was subsequently nominated as “Humorous, Comical or Gently Entertaining Remark of the Year” by the Association of Accountants, Insurance Salespersons, Financial Analysts and Associated Professionals Who Opted to Make Money Rather Than Lead Interesting Lives (AAISFAAPWOMMRTLIL)

 

[Aaron]

Uncle Bob: Does this mean Father is being retired?

 

[Beauregard]

Mr Harvey: Now you’ve got the time do you have any inclination of what we’re supposed to do?

Father Moppet: Well, there is a little inclination but we can sleep horizontally rather than vertically across the tent we are less likely to roll away... if we get 'tired again' or 're-tired', as you put it, bro. *obliviously fiddling with the gold watch* But regarding these cameras, I was aperture office the other day when I came across a file that may have the answer. I'll call Suzan if she's back at the office to bring it over. *dials out from camera/phone*

--
Footnote: The writers of this episode received a special award from Camera Associated Multimedia and Procurement (CAMP) for the placement of the word "aperture" in a pun based situation.

 

[TogetherAgain]

<The tent flap opens again, revealing an individual--presumably human, presumably female, but covered in so much dirt that it's hard to tell for sure, and you really wouldn't want to get close enough to check because the smell... well, let's not get into that. Anyway, she pokes her head into the tent.>

Goat: Hey, tent people! Mind if I join you? It's startin' to rain, and I don't wanna get clean. <Squeezes into tent> Call me Goat. Not a goat, but Goat. S'my name. Sorta. Hey... <snaps and points at Father> I know you. Don't I know you? You look familiar... <Claps once, loudly, and throws arms out> FROSTY! I remember YOU! You're that crazy guy with the house full of CRAZIES! <Slaps Father on the back> How are ya, Frosty? Doin' good? Aw, it's GREAT to see ya again! <Gives Father a HUGE hug, promptly covering him in a layer of dirt, and spots Jack> Hey BANDY, you're here, TOO? <slaps Jack on the back> Good to see ya, Bandy, good to see ya! Glad you're not in jail! Anyway, Frosty, bud, is this your tent? It's a nice tent! Way better than that old house. You're movin' up in the world!

 

[Beauregard]

Father Moppet: *assaulted by assorted smells and Goat* Oh its YOU! I thought the drains were backing up again after the whole alligator incident. What are you again, young Goat lady, some sort of Faun or Centaur? There's certainly a great deal of... scent or... something going on here now. *into phone* No, not you Suzan, did you find the file? The one I use on my nails. Good, now use it to unlock the drawer and find the project I was looking at...