*Whirls around dressed in black mage's robes, the shredded ends of the sleeves flaring out in the breeze like snaking tendrils.
I admit that in the past I've been a nastie.
They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a jerk.
But you'll find that nowadays.
I've mended all my ways.
Repented, seen the light, and made it work.
Ah yes...
And I fortunately know a little magic.
It's a talent I always have possessed.
And here lately, please don't laugh.
I use it on behalf.
Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed.
Pathetic poor unfortunate souls.
In pain, in need.
This one longing to be thinner.
That one wants to get the girl.
And do I help them? Yes indeed.
Those poor unfortunate souls.
So sad, so true.
They come flocking to my cauldron.
Crying 'Spells Sorceror please'.
And I help them, yes I do.
Now it's happened once or twice.
Someone couldn't pay the price.
And I'm afraid I had to rake him across the coals.
Yes I've had the odd complaint.
But on the whole I've been a saint.
To those poor unfortunate souls.
*Spoken:
Here's my best offer Kellykins.
I know this spell that'll turn you into a human for three days.
That's 3 days!
Now it's got a bit of a proceedural clause.
Sort of a Dead Pro Quo.
Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get dear old Princy to kiss you.
If you do, you'll stay human forever.
But if you don't?
Nothing drastic darling, I'm sure.
*Flipping through Grimness Book of Records.
Oh look, small print!
Your soul is mine forever and you're doomed to spend eternity in my black darksoaked lair.
*In Vincent Price voice: Lawyers, don't you just love 'em?
Of course, there is one more thing... My fee.
Don't have anything?
I'm not asking for much.
Only... Your voice/kiss.
Yes, your voice/kiss. How would you ever...?
You'll have your looks, your pretty face.
And don't underestimate the power of body language!
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber.
They think a girl who gossips is a bore.
Yes on land it's much prefered.
For ladies not to say a word.
And after all dear what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they're not at all impressed with conversation.
True gentlemen avoid it when they can.
But they dote and swoon and fawn.
On a lady who's withdrawn.
It's she who halts her tongue who gets a man.
Come on you poor unfortunate soul.
Go ahead, make your choice.
I'm a very busy man.
And I haven't got all day.
It won't cost much, just your voice.
You poor unfortunate soul.
It's sad, but true.
If you want to cross a bridge my sweet, you've got to pay the toll.
Take a gulp and take a breath, go ahead and sign the scroll.
Eek, Squeak, now I've got her bats, the boss is on a roll.
*Hitting long notes, drawing the last line out.
You poor unfortunate soul!
*Casting spell.
Beluga, ooga-booga, come winds of the Caspian Sea.
Larynx and sighs, glass-eyeses, and murkler disguises, now fortunate me.
Now sing, sing your voice over to me dear.
*Aria of singing voice being drained.
Sing, keep singing.
*After the transfer's complete...
Now kiss, kiss for your life child.
*Gets the payment he wanted all along.
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