Sup party people! Here is more Mondays for ya!
Credits - the idea of Fozzie & Kermit meeting up in the balcony goes to Slackbot.
Just as Floyd had predicted, Sam the Eagle felt it was his duty as an American to go straight to Kermit to tell him about the deplorable and uncouth actions that had taken place in the studio’s lunch room earlier.
If Kermit didn’t already feel as though he ran an insane asylum, he was now getting the distinct feeling he had been demoted from warden to that of school playground monitor. Of course the first person he called in was Piggy, because somehow he knew she was involved.
It was the first time they had actually talked to each other since her announcement a week ago. If they did need to speak to each other, it was strictly professional, perhaps more professional than they had ever been before.
The two of them had been together and had known each other long enough that when walking into a room with the other inside it was going to be explosive, no matter the reason or outcome.
Kermit knew as Piggy walked in the door that she had not appreciated the tone in his voice when he ‘requested’ her presence in his office. “I’ll get right to it, shall I?”
“Please do.”
“I just had a rather disturbing conversation with Sam,” he continued. “Apparently, there was a throw down in the lunchroom today.”
“And that involves me how?”
“Would you like to know what the fight was about?”
Piggy rolled her eyes. “I’m guessing it was about us,” she said. “And I can tell by that ever so helpful and happy tone of yours that you think I’m somehow at fault for it.”
“Piggy,” he cried, exasperated. “I never said that I thought you were behind this! Why do you always…?” Stopping himself from finishing the sentence, Kermit instead took a deep breath. “I’m not going to get into this with you. Now I called you in here because I’m hoping that we can pretend to be civil to each other for fifteen minutes while we straighten this entire mess out.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
No sooner had they agreed to form a rather tentative team, the trio of troublemakers walked in – Fozzie, looking ever so downtrodden; Gonzo, who had figured they would be in trouble eventually; and Scooter, who looked as though he wanted to be anywhere in the world instead of where he was.
“Have a seat, gentlemen,” Kermit began, gesturing the three to the trio of chairs that had been strategically placed in front of the two that stood.
For the next five minutes, Kermit proceeded to list the reasons why he was disappointed and why he couldn’t condone this type of behavior anymore. Why he felt the need for Piggy to stand next to him, she didn’t know, but if he thought making mention that their personal life was not to be squabbled over was supposed to garner her support, it didn’t work.
Just when they thought Kermit was headed for another head of steam, he finally finished. Which prompted Scooter to ask, “Are we done?”
“Andrew,” Piggy stressed. She was going to have words with him and soon. “We are done when Kermit says we are done. Don’t be rude.” Looking to Kermit, she asked, “Are we done?”
And that was it. The tentative hold that Kermit had on his emotions – that is, his anger – unraveled and the tightly controlled fuse lit, setting off a chain reaction of fireworks, dynamite, and TNT that were usually held under lock and key.
“Yes,” he huffed. “Yes, we’re done. Not that anyone seems to care about anything anymore! So yes, you are all free to leave and never come back as far as I care. You know what? I’ll even first!”
And he did, storming his way past the group and out into the crowd of innocent bystanders. Fozzie waited for all of a second before moaning quietly and rushing after his best friend.
“So glad he was able to catch that huff before it completely left,” Gonzo snickered.
“Gonzo,” Piggy sighed. “You promised me…”
“No,” Gonzo corrected. “I promised that I wouldn’t punch Kermit in the face and so far, I haven’t laid a fuzzy blue digit on him. Fozzie and I had a small disagreement, that’s all that was. If you want to blame someone for what happened…”
Gonzo pointed to Scooter, who instantly turned to face him. “Thanks a lot, Gonzo,” he sneered. “Throw me under another bus why don’t you?”
“Hey!” Piggy exclaimed, shutting the other two up immediately. The last thing they wanted for her to be angry at them. “I am leaving in two days and I would appreciate it if I was able to leave without thinking the two of you are planning on blowing up my house with the frog still in it.
“Now you,” she continued, pointing at Gonzo. “Are going to find Fozzie and apologize with sweets. And you,” she then pointed at Scooter. “Are coming with me.”
Turning an indignant scowl on the pig, the assistant cried, “What for?”
“Because I want lunch and you’re coming with me,” she replied, walking to move past him.
“I don’t want lunch.”
“I don’t care,” she countered. Gesturing towards him, she concluded with, “You. Me. Words. We’re having them, now come on.”
[hr]
Fozzie Bear was a comic in a crisis.
By his very personality, Fozzie did not do well being caught up in the middle of arguments, especially between the people he cared about. He was much happier when everyone else was happy and he was already feeling guilty that he himself had been in such a funk lately that he had arrived too late to this disaster he was now in.
Fights between the Muppets were usually contained within, unlike some of the other arguments among the Hollywood elite. They had of course had their flare ups, but what did you expect when you saw the same people, every single day for over twenty something years?
But fights never lasted long, which was why these upcropping of fights had been driving the bear to distraction. The worst offenders were of course Kermit and Miss Piggy. Granted, the two of them always fought, but it had never culminated in either one of them leaving before.
And that’s where the bear found himself at a crossroads.
The earlier fight he had with Gonzo had been a disagreement that had seemed to grow out of control before he could stop it. He hadn’t wanted to take sides, but then he found himself trying to defend Kermit’s point of view and it went downhill from there.
Truth be told, Kermit was the closest thing to a brother he had and while he like Piggy, he really did, she wasn’t his best friend. Best friends are there for each other and Kermit had always been there for him when he needed it; it would just feel wrong if he wasn’t there for the frog in this horrible time.
But as he had discovered, being there for Kermit meant he wasn’t there for Piggy, who was his friend just as much as Gonzo and Scooter were. Ugh, he hated conflict!
Chasing down the frog had been relatively easy; he and Kermit used to sit in the balconies of the Muppet Theatre just to get a break from the craziness that often made up their productions. It had become a tradition to meet up there at least every few days, just to catch up. It didn’t take the bear long to find Kermit sulking in one of the balcony seats, stewing and just waiting to unleash it to the first person that approached him.
“It’s ridiculous,” he was muttering. “This whole thing.” Turning to the newcomer as he took the seat next to him, he continued with, “I’m well aware she’s not behind of any of this, but do you think anyone cares? Of course not! Can you imagine what’s going to happen should any reporter get a hold of what’s going on here? Cripes, if that sleezy Scribbler gets so much of a whiff of this…”
“He wouldn’t hear it from me, Kermit.”
“I know he wouldn’t, Fozzie,” the frog said, starting up again. “It’s like you’re the only loyal person I’ve got. You think I don’t hear how half this group thinks I’ve just been breaking Piggy’s heart for the entire time we’ve known each other? You know, she’s broken my heart on a few occasions too, not that anyone would be bothered to know that. If I’m not breaking her heart, she’s breaking mine; she’s breaking it now.”
If there had been one person other than the pig who Kermit could confide in, it was the bear, and he had just laid out a major confession. This whole thing was killing him, too! Oh, he had held on to his dignity and his very prideful manner for the first few weeks after ‘the words that should never be mentioned’ were uttered, but after that, his heart ached at what he knew was his fault, entirely. Since then, he had been racking his brain with ways in which he could make this up to her.
And then she announced she was leaving and then he was the one who was hurting.
But instead of the cycle going into a make up, Piggy stopped it.
“I’m really sorry, Kermit,” Fozzie started and Kermit could hear the catch in his voice.
“It’s not your fault, Fozzie,” he whispered. “We certainly never intended for people to start taking sides, that’s the last thing we want.” Sighing deeply, he whispered, “Maybe it is time to take a break. Or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. We have done everything wrong…”
“Kermit, don’t say that!” Fozzie hissed. “Miss Piggy loves you!”
As difficult as it was to say, the frog never the less stated, “I’m not so sure that’s true any more.”
[hr]
“I’m telling you, babe, you’re lucky you haven’t been on set lately.”
Gonzo had left to go home for a short break before trying to find Fozzie and offer him his choice of tasty sweets. The bear loved his sweets and it was common knowledge that he could easily be bribed or bought just by putting a plate of cookies, cupcakes, snacks, anything in front of him. Waiting for him at home was his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Clucks. The two of them had met while working on the Muppet Show and Gonzo had made a point of making a pass at her every time he saw her.
As strange as it may have looked or seemed, the two of them clicked. Camilla’s patience and understanding made her the perfect long suffering girlfriend to a crazed stuntman, while Gonzo’s uniqueness and uncompromising enthusiasm had attracted the chicken from the beginning. Camilla was very much a stage chicken, hence why she normally declined to participate in many of the movies; lately, she and Gonzo had been discussing not only making their relationship more permanent but adding to it as well.
Because of that, Camilla had decided to take a short retirement to work on some other projects, things she hadn’t been able to do and really, just have some old fashioned girl time. With the chicken not on set, she usually heard about the Muppet implosion from Gonzo when he came home. So far, she was aware that Kermit and Piggy were going through a very tough and very hurtful break up, something that must have culminated in Piggy’s deciding to leave.
Camilla and Piggy, while not usually together, did enjoy some girl talk every once in a while. Ironically, the two did share a few common traits – they both felt they were Queen Bee in the Muppet circle, they were both beautiful, smart, and touch, and of course they were also dating their fellow co-stars. Camilla was of course aware that Gonzo’s feelings for Piggy teetered between platonic and not so platonic and initially, she thought the pig a rival, until the two realized their eyes and hearts were on two different prizes.
Camilla made a mental note to give Piggy a call; she mentioned as much to her beau, asking if his love for the diva was maybe clouding his judgment a little.
“Of course I love her,” Gonzo replied, passing through the living room to that of the kitchen. “You know I love her.” Popping his head out around the doorjamb, he asked, “You don’t mean, ‘in love’, do you?”
Camilla’s response was to just raise an eyebrow. She was teasing him, but every once in a while, especially during one of the power couple’s flare ups, her weirdo could get so indignant on Piggy’s behalf that she wondered if he truly did bury those feelings.
“C’mon Cami,” he chastised, coming from the kitchen and taking a seat across from her. “Don’t be that way. Haven’t I told you that I want to be the father of all our little wickens?”
That caused her to laugh. When they first broached the subject of the possibility of them having a family together, Gonzo went out of his way to figure out the best word that was a combination of ‘weirdo’ and ‘chicken’. He had stated, “Look, if the frog and pig can have bouncing baby figs or pogs, certainly we can have wickens.”
She clucked at him, still trying to control her laughter. That was just another reason why she loved him so, he always made her laugh. “No we did not decide to call them chickdos,” he argued. “I clearly remember saying wickens.”
She then corrected him on the saying. “Oh I’m sorry,” he said. “Whickens.” Camilla would have been content to sit there and laugh all day with him, but she knew him too well. He may have threatened to punch the frog through a wall or just get the two of them married off and done with, but this rift that was happening to the power couple, that was happening to Gonzo, was affecting him just as much as anyone else.
Placing a wing on his arm, she gave him a sympathetic look.
“What if this whole thing falls apart?” he whispered. “What’re we gonna do?”
Her response was that of a loving girlfriend, someone who just happened to be in the same business and knew that, in the world of entertainment, people always clamored for it.
“Yeah, I know, but,” he sighed. “Babe, I love performing as much as you do, but unless we’re out there on stage or in front of a camera and there’s a Muppet logo across it…come on.”
Okay, so performing hadn’t enticed him as much as she thought it would. Camilla then went to the old stand by and that was to remind the weirdo that, if he wanted, he could hung up his cape and put away his canons. So, she told him just how well off they were should he decide that.
“We have that much saved up?” he asked, surprised. Leave it to Camilla to start making a financial nest egg for the both of them; he was a lucky guy for sure. “You obviously need to just sweep me off my feet and make an honest weirdo out of me.”
Camilla just clucked at him.
“I will not marry you for your money,” he countered, pulling up as much of an indignant reply as he could. “I love you for your body, let’s get that straight right now.” The hit she gave his arm didn’t deter him. “Never seen finer legs on a chicken…” he went on, laughing when she tried to pounce on him and tickle him.
They tousled for a bit before Gonzo caught her up in his arms and hugged her tightly. When he finished, he didn’t let go, instead taking a more comfortable position on their couch. Camilla turned her head, asking him if he had any ideas, if what he was thinking was what she thought he was thinking. “I could go back to plumbing,” he whispered. “Make an honest go of it this time. I actually am a pretty decent plumber when, you know, I’m not trying to perform my act at the same time. Maybe…maybe it’s time to grow up, huh?”
The chicken turned stern eyes on him, daring him to contradict what she was telling him.
“And that’s why I love you, baby,” he said, grinning at her. No one could do a better rousing speech than Camilla, at least for him. Sometimes, she even managed to put Kermit to shame in that area. “Okay, we’ll do that then. It’s gonna tear Rizzo up though.”
Camilla smirked, rolling her eyes at the same time. “Aw,” the daredevil cooed. “I’m so glad you like my other girlfriend.”
She turned around and teased him, asking if Piggy should be in that category instead.
“Very cute,” he chuckled. “You know very well that Piggy fits in the frienemy category and not the girlfriend one. If anyone should have her in that category, it’s Scooter.”
She took the liberty to remind them of the recent bet he’d managed to finally pay up. “Hey, I thought it too,” he replied. His face took on a grimace before he said, “Geez, this must be tearing the kid up inside. You know how close he is to those two; this must feel like a bitter divorce to him, only that Kermit and Piggy kinda forgot to fight over him in the custody battle. And us for that matter.”
When Camilla asked about the Muppets in general, Gonzo’s reply was disappointing and disheartening to hear. “I don’t know,” he sighed. “But we need to get out before it gets really bad. Not to say that things aren’t bad right now, but I don’t think I want to be around once Piggy’s gone. You know it always feels weird when she’s not here and Kermit’s always in a funk about it.
“Maybe we should take Scooter with us. I mean, he’s been a great assistant to Kermit over the years, I could definitely see him as our office manager or something.”
Camilla, though touched by the very fact that her beau would think about bringing their errant go-fer with them, had to ask what her role would be if Scooter was the office manager.
“You’re the leggy secretary that I’m having an affair with, silly.”
Gonzo was content, not exactly happy, but he had at least taken care of something that had been bothering him since he first felt the shift within the group. And while it seemed that he and Camilla could be fine if they never worked again, he wanted to be prepared, in the case that maybe one day, they would have that egg they wanted.
Camilla’s question brought him from a dozing state, but he knew he had to answer her. “Yes,” he sighed. “I’m going to apologize. He can’t help it; Kermit’s his best friend after all. This is probably worse on Fozzie than it is on Scooter. And you know what the sad part is? I know who’s probably going to get custody of who.”
Welcome to the Muppet Central Forum!
Jim Henson Idea Man
Back to the Rock Season 2
Bear arrives on Disney+
Sam and Friends Book
What is this "Hit" ju say everyone's lost okay?
Have they tried Harry Krishna?
Sheesh, a running gag.
I'm not sure I want to know.
Oh, I do! I find this exciting, don't you, Beakie?
Me mo
I was wondering when you were gonna throw her into the mix.
Awesome!
Come on, ve have our own work to tend to.
Your name's John?
Only when it comes to paying the taxman. *Laughs.