How I Spent My Summer Vacation (A Muppet Fic)

[Slackbot]

*chuckles* Rowlf, you sly son of a... er, you sly dog. It's stuff like this that makes me wish we could get more of him in canon Muppet projects. Good work.

 

[Twisted Tails]

My apologies to David Bowie.

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"Take twenty-four, Heroes."

The engineer counted in. "One, two, three, four!!"

A strong drum beat kicked in, while Rowlf quietly added his piano parts in the background. It had been hard for him to work out his parts for this song, as it received a radically different arrangement from the original version, but after a lot of hard work (and some help from Dr. Teeth), he figured it out. Now if only the vocalist could figure it out.

"I… I will be king…And you…You will be my queen…Though no thing…no thing.. will drive zem away…we can beat zem…just for one day…we can be heroes…just for one day…"

Pepe wasn't exactly the best vocalist in the world, but he was a popular one. His music played well on the casino circuit. His slow ballads and "love prawn" routine were hits with middle-aged crustacean women everywhere.

"And you…yes, you can be mean…as mean as you want, baby…and I, I'll drink all ze time….cuz we're lovers, and zat iz a FACT…oh we're lovers, baby, and zat is zat…"

The engineer cut the tape. "All right, that should fix the problem with the second verse. After lunch we can overdub the guitar parts again and things should be all set."

Pepe took off his headphones and stepped out of the booth. "Yes, Rowlf, I really showed zem how to do it there. Davids Bowie can take a step back to Pepe, hokay!"

"You really belted it out in there."

"Thank yous. Now I must attend to some personal matters, I happen to have scheduled dinner with a sexy womans tonight, and I need to set up the reservation."

"Anyone I know?"

"No, I met her in Vegas."

"Oooh! A showgirl?"

"No, a waitress from International House of Pancakes, hooky. She winked at me when I ordered ze crepes, hokay, and I knew we had a connection." With that Pepe ducked out of the studio.

"Well, looks like he's done it again."

Rowlf's paws scurried over the piano keys as he chuckled to himself. Pepe was certainly one of the more eccentric artists he played for. Session work was a good way to earn some money and keep busy, not to mention play the piano. The piano was perhaps Rowlf's one true love, and any excuse to play it was good for him.

Session work provided a challenge, because he would have to learn songs as quickly as possible. It helped push his skills and challenge him to become a better player, which in turn helped him when playing with the Muppets. He could play the same song one hundred times in a row and not get bored, because each time he would play the part a little bit smoother and a little bit better. There was always room for improvement.

However, there was lots of room in his stomach for lunch, so he grabbed his phone and car keys and made his way to the door. There was a nice diner down the street that served breakfast all day, so Rowlf could get a nice omelette with sides of toast and corned kibble hash, all for eleven dollars. Great place.

As Rowlf made his way into the parking lot, he spotted one of the great scourges of Los Angeles; the paparazzi. No doubt they were waiting for someone like Madonna to come out of the studio and answer fawning questions about her latest album or latest squeeze; however, there was certainly no one like that in the studio today. Wayne and Wanda had been in earlier today, but they had to pay the paparazzi to even acknowledge them, let alone take the lens cap off when they pretended to take their picture. They would have to settle for Rowlf.

Wish I hadn't parked so far away today, he thought to himself as the first cameraman stepped in front of him.

"Rowlf! Rowlf the dog! Nice to see you today!"

"Nice to see you too. Good weather we're having."

"Yes! But onto more important things. Have you heard the latest rumor about Kermit and Piggy?"

Rowlf scratched his ear thoughtfully. "Probably not, I've managed to avoid Fleet Scribbler lately."

"Our sources have spotted Piggy out on a private date with a mystery man believed to be Ryan Reynolds while Kermit was at home eating rice cakes and watching Law and Order with Beauregard. Can you confirm or deny this report?"

"Well, I've never seen Kermit eat a rice cake before; he prefers saltines, so I'm going to have to deny this one."

The cameraman winked at him, as if Rowlf was speaking in some sort of secret code. "I see what you did there."

"What did I do?"

"You know, you didn't sell Piggy out to dry there, but you got your point across."

"Um…again, this weather is beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky!" What in the world is he talking about? I know they sometimes gasp at straws over there, but this is ridiculous! I'm going to start parking in the back.

Another cameraman leapt forward. "Rowlf! Rowlf! Our sources maintain that Gonzo was admitted to the hospital last night after a failed motorcycle jump over a 40 gallon vat of horseradish. Is he going to make it?"

"I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but he's in New York City right now with Camilla. Plus, having more than ten gallons of horseradish at a time is a felony in California; trust me, we've been down that road before. It took a lot of begging from Kermit to get Gonzo's bail reduced."

"Oh…well…" The cameraman trailed off, but another one stepped forward.

"Is it true that Animal is leaving the Electric Mayhem to release a duet album with Celine Dion?"

"No, he's committed to bashing the skins for us, and I don't know if he's exactly in Ms. Dion's wheelhouse musically. His voice is a little too deep."

Rowlf had finally gotten near his car, and was about to slip away, but these cameramen were tenacious.

"Jeez, Rowlf, you're not giving us anything to work with today."

Rowlf smiled. Perhaps I do have something to tell them...

"Well, I do have one bit of juicy gossip if you're interested."

An eyebrow was raised. "About who?"

"Me."

The eyebrow was further raised. "Do tell."

"I saw something I shouldn't have last night. Something pretty shocking."

"More…"

"I…I can't…I can't…it's too shocking." Rowlf put his hands over his face for dramatic effect.

"Come on, don't leave us hanging!"

Rowlf got into his car and leaned out the driver's side window.

"Okay, last night I had to go to the bathroom, and I had to walk through the kitchen, and in the dark…"

"WHAT?"

"…over in the corner…"

"Yes…"

"on the counter…."

"YES!"

"I saw…"

"You saw…"

"…a…SALAD DRESSING!"

"What?"

"And then my face got RADISH!"

"You're not making any sense, man."

However, Rowlf had pulled away by that point. You got them today, old buddy, you got them today, he thought to himself. As he pulled down the road, headed off to lunch, he began to sing to himself.

"I'll admit I split bananas,
take Easter eggs and make them dye.
But I never harmed an onion,
so why should they make me cry?"

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Coming up "next": Someone's depending on Fozzie Bear to win fifty thousand dollars. Can Fozzie handle the pressure?

Wow! I don't believe it! I can hear Bill Baretta's Rowlf really good. He does an amazinbg job with that rough voice close to Jim's Rowlf. Uh-oh! I imagine Bill underneath him while the cameramen aske Rowlf ridculous questions. Yow! I know how that feels when you are a famous piano player with other stars that are his friends.

 

[charlietheowl]

Thank you guys! Rowlf is probably my favorite Muppet (not including Fraggles, or else Boober and Wembley would be at the top), and it's fun to write with him. I think he's at his best when he's able to play his sense of humor and puns off of other people.

 

[WebMistressGina]

ONce again, not getting the notices about this.

I loved the glimpse at Rowlf's life as a studio musician. I'm sure he and the Mayhem have done it one time or another, and as a musician who has been in the studio, it's really not as easily as a MTV video would have you believe. And now for something you'll really like...

Another cameraman leapt forward. "Rowlf! Rowlf! Our sources maintain that Gonzo was admitted to the hospital last night after a failed motorcycle jump over a 40 gallon vat of horseradish. Is he going to make it?"

"I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but he's in New York City right now with Camilla. Plus, having more than ten gallons of horseradish at a time is a felony in California; trust me, we've been down that road before. It took a lot of begging from Kermit to get Gonzo's bail reduced."

This line, especially the 'we've been down that road before' is so classic. And maybe it's me, but I don't think they ever really did stuff like that in the movies (I vaguely remember it from the show) and by that, I mean these little noodle incidents that we authors allude to, but never explain.

I love that! And it's perfectly Gonzo and just tells me that Kermit (and Rowlf and Fozzie and Scooter) are usually spending their time trying to bail people out of jail. If the LAPD doesn't know them by name, they really should and not cause they're the Muppets.

Coming up "next": Someone's depending on Fozzie Bear to win fifty thousand dollars. Can Fozzie handle the pressure?

Oh, I can answer this question right now. No. I just don't see it happening. I love th Foz, but he can't handle pressure. And I'm fairly sure he doesn't like conflict.

Another gem, Charlie!

 

[charlietheowl]

Thank you! Gonzo, Piggy, Animal, and Crazy Harry are probably frequent visitors to the local jail. They probably have a running tab open and Kermit can stop by at the end of the month and pay it off provided they have stayed out of trouble in the remainder.

 

[WebMistressGina]

Thank you! Gonzo, Piggy, Animal, and Crazy Harry are probably frequent visitors to the local jail. They probably have a running tab open and Kermit can stop by at the end of the month and pay it off provided they have stayed out of trouble in the remainder.

LOL I think you're right (and I love how everyone just assumes that the four mentioned are the ones with a rap sheet a mile long. Love that!) and it wouldn't surprise me if their monthly bills includes a tab from the police department. And I think the only way they worked that out is because those cops grew up with Kermit on Sesame Street (and he's a nice guy anyway).

Ah! That's a story idea, right there! I can just see that -

Officer: Hey Kermit! Hey Miss Piggy!

Hey Maggie. How are you?

O: Can't complain. Oh, thank you so much for that birthday card for little Marky. He loved it.

Well tell him I loved the card he sent me.

: It was very sweet of him to do. Such talent is sometimes there from an early age.

O: Oh agreed. Anyway, here for the usual suspects?

Yeah. Who is it this time? Actually, wait no, let me guess. Is it Piggy? [ Piggy glares at him ] Oh wait, you're right here. Gonzo? It's Gonzo isn't it?

O: Would you like to hear the offense?

Does it involve a condiment?

O: No. An animal.

Oh god. Those are always the worse. Sheesh, this is gonna be an expensive bill.

O: We know you're good for it. Your checks usually clear.

Heh. Animals...

 

[AlittleMayhem]

I really, really love this chapter! Rowlf sure knows how to stick it to those photographers and still come off as cool and casual.

 

[LipsGF4Life]

Fer sure

 

[newsmanfan]

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Howling again...dang you write comedy well!

Agree, the "we've been down that road" line is killer. As is the entire joke about Wayne and Wanda topped by the "lens cap" line... TOO funny!

Rowlf would absolutely be nonchalant and suppressing any annoyance with the idiot press corps as he tries to avoid them...well portrayed. And the ending pun...

Heh heh heh. Classic!
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[LipsGF4Life]

Heh.