For Those Who Reed and Right

[Fozzie Bear]

This was emailed to me by a friend named Tina; source unknown.

---------------------------------------------------------------

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called
beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why
shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We
take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up
speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it
burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?

 

[Fozzie]

IT is kind of odd but pretty creative!

 

[Don'tLiveonMoon]

That's classic, Kevin! Have you by chance read "Eats Shoots and Leaves," the bestseller in Britain that recently came to America all about punctuation and the improper use of it? That's a different side of grammar but your post reminded me of it. It's one I've been wanting to read. Sounds like it's a hilarious book and a must-read for anyone who is a stickler for grammar. We've been selling a lot of copies at Walden's.
Erin

 

[anathema]

That's classic, Kevin! Have you by chance read "Eats Shoots and Leaves," the bestseller in Britain that recently came to America all about punctuation and the improper use of it? That's a different side of grammar but your post reminded me of it. It's one I've been wanting to read. Sounds like it's a hilarious book and a must-read for anyone who is a stickler for grammar. We've been selling a lot of copies at Walden's.
Erin

In which case it's quite ironic that you omitted the comma:

"Eats, Shoots & Leaves"

 

[Don'tLiveonMoon]

In which case it's quite ironic that you omitted the comma:

"Eats, Shoots & Leaves"

I can never figure out which way the title is supposed to read, since the panda is in the process of affixing a comma on the title page... Of course, the beauty of that phrase is that it's grammatically correct either way, as long as it's used in its proper context.
Erin

 

[anathema]

I can never figure out which way the title is supposed to read, since the panda is in the process of affixing a comma on the title page... Of course, the beauty of that phrase is that it's grammatically correct either way, as long as it's used in its proper context.
Erin

Indeed I assume you're familiar with the joke to which that is the punchline?

 

[Don'tLiveonMoon]

Indeed I am.
Erin

 

[Fozzie Bear]

What's the joke?

 

[Don'tLiveonMoon]

It's an oldie but goodie. Here's one version:

A panda walked into a cafe. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. 'Why?' groaned the injured man. The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he found an explanation. 'Panda,' read the entry for his assailant. 'Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'
Erin

 

[anathema]

A panda walked into a cafe. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. 'Why?' groaned the injured man. The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he found an explanation. 'Panda,' ran the entry for his assailant. 'Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'