Fic: Muppets from Earth

[Lil0Vampy]

Brian...Henson? Or Brian the Sandwich? XD

 

[Slackbot]

Which one do you think I can relay questions to?

 

[Lil0Vampy]

:B Henson? Lol, just kidding. Ask him...What he would do if he was randomly contacted via cereal. XP

 

[Slackbot]

Answer: "Hope that Gonzo wasn't calling collect."

 

[Slackbot]

...And we're heading into the closing stretch, with the penultimate installment of...

Muppets from Earth
Part 16: Friends and Family
by Kim McFarland​

*****


It was a warm and quiet afternoon. Brian, Gonzo, and Camilla watched as two shapes glided through the air. They swooped in lazy circles like a pair of hawks, growing larger as they approached. The closer they came the more they resembled vultures, as they turned slowly as they wheeled through the air without flapping their broad wings. As the family sat in the backyard other Muppets wondered what they were up to, and came out to see. Rizzo looked up, then whistled the signature five-note theme from Close Encounters of The Third Kind.

When the flying shapes finally touched the ground in the back yard of the Muppets' boarding house the bird shapes disappeared, revealing small, conical landing craft. The bird images were illusions designed to allow the ships to travel inconspicuously. The downside of that was that to maintain the illusion they had to mimic a bird's flight pattern, greatly lengthening trip time.

The two landers had homed in on a third, which had been there since the day before. Their doors opened, and two figures emerged from cockpits just large enough for one non-claustrophobic person each. Both were wearing nondescript black suits.

Brian, also dressed in black, stepped forward and helped them out. He knew how uncomfortable their ride in the tiny landers had been; he had made that trip himself just yesterday. "Thanks for coming back on such short notice. I know it's a long shot."

One, a greenish male, said, "If what you said is true..."

"Yeah," Brian said. "I told you all I could figure out. I don't know whether I'm right or I'm just nuts."

The other, an older female with a light blue pelt and a nose like a corkscrew, said, "Knowing you, you could be both."

"Heh, yeah." Brian turned back to Gonzo and Camilla. "These are Tiya and Maibes, two of our scientists. They're here to find out if... well, if I've lost my mind." He turned back to the new arrivals. "You already know who Gonzo is. Camilla is his wife—that's the custom here—and he's holding their daughter, Billie."

Tiya, the female stepped forward. "Hello," she said pleasantly.

Camilla clucked, and Gonzo, stuck for words, said, "Hi."

"May I see her?" Tiya asked, indicating Billie.

"Uh, sure, he replied.

He handed over the blanket-swaddled chick. Billie squeaked and stared at her. Tiya smiled and stroked the blue-and-yellow fuzz.

While Tiya fawned over the chick Maibes evaluated the situation more objectively. He had seen the results of the analyses of the feathers Brian had taken from this family, and it was true that this baby's genes were a half-and-half mixture of Gonzo's and Camilla's, as farfetched as that seemed. He would have thought it impossible to genetically engineer such a hybrid, let alone bring one into being by chance. Yet, as everyone knew, the universe us a vast place, and delighted in producing stranger things than anyone could anticipate.

Camilla clucked to Gonzo. She was pleasantly surprised. She had not liked the idea of more aliens examining her chick, but at least Tiya knew how to treat a baby! He smiled and nodded his agreement. She clucked again, and Gonzo translated, "Do you have to get samples or do tests?"

Tiya looked up. "Not as long as she's healthy, and she looks that way to me. We got the information we needed from the feather samples Brian took."

"Oh, good," Gonzo said. Camilla was relieved as well.

Maibes said, "We're here to follow up on something Brian reported. Tiya just likes children."

Brian told Gonzo, "She was one of our crèche mothers. Don’t you remember her?"

"No. Sorry, I don't remember anything from back then. What's a crèche mother?"

Both Maibes and Tiya looked at Gonzo in surprise. Brian explained, "Children are raised together by crèche parents rather than Balkanized into tiny families. You and I were crèchemates, in fact. You were a zoton older than I was."

"Oh. I wish I remembered," Gonzo murmured.

Tiya said, "I'd better give Billie back to you now or I might not give her back at all. She's a sweetie."

Camilla clucked, pleased. Gonzo accepted Billie back, saying, "Thanks." Billie stared after Tiya as if fascinated.

Brian took the DVD case out from a jacket pocket and showed it to Tiya and Maibes. "This is what I saw last night."

Maibes replied, "We don't need to watch that. We will do our own research and see if we come to the same conclusion."

Brian nodded agreement. "That makes sense."

Tiya looked at the other Muppets, who had been watching from a polite distance so as not to intrude upon what looked like a family moment. She went over to them and asked, "Are you Gonzo's family now?"

"You could say that," Kermit said.

"Part of it, anyway. There's a lot more of us," Scooter piped up.

She smiled. "He must be very happy with you, to have chosen to join with you rather than come back with us."

She had phrased it strangely, but Kermit supposed he understood what she meant.

Gonzo, Brian, and Maibes had been talking. Now Gonzo came over and said, "Kermit, they want to do some research, and they don't want to follow Brian's tracks."

"Research into what?"

Tiya said, "This planet's past, especially its fauna."

Kermit said, "There's always the library."

Scooter said, "Hold on a minute, okay? I have an idea." Without waiting for a reply he dashed into the house.

Scooter picked up a phone and dialed. After half a minute he said, "Hey, bug? It's me. Got some time free today? I need your help." Pause. "Yeah, I'm calling in a favor... but I have the feeling that if I didn't call you about this you'd never forgive me." Another pause. "You'll see when you come here. As soon as possible." Pause. "Great! See you."

When Scooter came back outside he said, "It's all set. I got someone from my college coming over in a few minutes to give you a hand."

"Really? Who?" Gonzo asked.

Scooter grinned widely. "You'll see."

*

The various aliens and Muppets were talking informally in the background by the time Scooter heard a car drive up. He went around the building just as its driver was getting out. She was orange-skinned, with thick locks of red hair held back by a hairband, and wore cutoffs, a T-shirt, and cat-eye glasses. Scooter said, "Hi, sis!"

"Hi yourself. What's the big deal? It's not some dumb skit, is it?" she asked, trying to sound more annoyed than curious at her brother's secrecy.

"I've met some people who need to do some scientific research. I think they can get what they need from the university library. I'd take them there myself, but I have the show tonight, and you know more about what they’re looking for than I do."

She put her hands on her hips. "You called me here to take your friends to the library? Scooter, you're out of your nerdy little mind."

"Just come and meet them first," Scooter said. “Please.”

She sighed, rolling here eyes, then let him guide her into the backyard. She glanced at the spaceships and dismissed them as props for a Pigs in Space skit. There was a cluster of people there... four of whom were Gonzos. She stopped and stared.

Scooter had been waiting for that moment of surprise. He said, "You may have heard about Gonzo's family from outer space."

"I thought that was just a movie!"

"I don’t think so. I saw them fly down those ships in the yard."

"Those are too small to be spaceships," she said uncertainly.

She was hooked. Scooter suggested, "Why don't you talk to them about it?"

*

He walked her over. When Rowlf noticed her he said, "Hey, Skeeter! Long time no see!"

"Hi yourself," she said, waving to him and the other Muppets.

Scooter said to the aliens, "This is my sister, Skeeter. We're both part-time students at the university. I thought she could help them by showing them around the library there. Whatever you're looking for, they're bound to have it."

Take aliens to the library? That sounded like the plot of a Saturday morning cartoon! She said, "Scooter didn't tell me what you're trying to research."

Tiya answered, "This world's past. We want to find out about what lived here millions of zotons ago."

"Years," Brian interjected.

"You mean, like dinosaurs?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Maibes said.

Skeeter flashed a startled look at her twin, then said, "Okay, that I can help you with! Come with me."

Skeeter led the two aliens to her car. Scooter asked Kermit, "What next, chief?"

*

Finding the problem suddenly solved, they went to the theater to prepare for that evening's show. Brian went with them. He wanted to see for himself what Gonzo was up to these days, and promised to keep out of the way. Fozzie cheerfully warned him that, on the contrary, he would likely get drafted into a skit if he didn't watch out.

When they got to the theater Gonzo gave Brian a five-minute tour of the theater stage and backstage, then went to clean the cannons and make sure they were in perfect order. If they were even a little out of alignment, the repeated firings would throw them further out of whack. Brian watched the backstage action over the second floor railing, where he wouldn't be underfoot.

After some time Gonzo, now wearing his purple suit, approached him. "Brian, could we talk a little?"

"Sure. What about?"

Gonzo glanced around. Nobody was listening. "Now I know there are others like me, but I still don't know anything about them," he said in a low voice.

"Oh. What do you want to know?"

"Well... come to my dressing room, okay?"

"Sure."

Gonzo led him to a room with an egg shape on the door instead of a star. Inside, half the room was stacked boxes and clutter, with bits of costume laid out for quick changes during the show. On the other side was a table with a well-lit mirror, a wardrobe, Camilla on a nest, and more clutter. Brian said, "Hi." Camilla clucked back.

Gonzo sat on a box, and Brian sat on another box. Brian said, "Okay shoot."

Very seriously Gonzo asked, "Well... what are the rest of us like?"

Brian paused. People usually started off with small talk. "You mean, what's it like, living in a spaceship?"

"Yeah."

"Well..." He looked up at the freshly-painted ceiling. "There are about a thousand of us on our ship. It's a big one, much bigger than the lander we brought down at Cape Doom, but it’s just average for colony ships. We consider it comfortable, but after living on a planet you might find it kind of restrictive. Ed likes it." He grinned. "I think he gets a kick out of being our resident authority on Earth."

"Ed. I forgot about him."

"Yeah. He's an okay guy if you don't push his buttons. Anyway, every person starts out with a living space of their own, but they usually combine them with friends and such. It's unusual for any of us to live alone. The living area of the ship is... well, I guess you'd call it modular."

"Uh-huh."

"Our family arrangements are different from those of this world. We don't have marriage per se, but people who decide they want to be together 'join lives.' That covers marriage, adoption, blood brotherhood, and, well, anything else. How they work it out is up to them; we don't have a lot of rules governing people's personal lives."

Camilla clucked. Gonzo translated, "Can they do that with aliens?"

"Joining lives with aliens? Yeah, it's happened. There's even a word for it. Rish. Why, were you thinking of coming back with us?"

"No," Gonzo shook his head. "I couldn't leave here. Sorry."

"I understand. Believe me, I do. We choose our families. If you're happy with yours, then stick with it."

Camilla clucked. Gonzo glanced down. Billie had awakened and was emerging from her mother's feathers and making a bid for the floor. Gonzo picked her up. Brian had to smile; Gonzo always got a soft, happy look on his face when he was holding his daughter. He was in love, all right. He waited while Gonzo cuddled the diaper-clad ball of fluff.

After a bit Gonzo looked up again. "Um, where were we?"

"We were talking about families."

"Oh, yeah. Um, earlier you mentioned that we were crèche mates. Does that mean we're brothers?"

"No. Eggs are cared for by the crèche staff until they hatch, and then the children are raised with all the other ship's children. The staff are the crèche family, and they serve as parents."

"Are you kidding?" Gonzo said in disbelief.

"No." He sighed. "Gonzo, I really wish you could remember what it was like. There were eight of us in our crèche group, and we had a great time together. Our crèche mother was the best. Some of us knew our parents and some didn't—shoot, mine were gene samples—but that isn’t any big deal because everyone is family."

To Gonzo that sounded like an orphanage. He said, "I guess that works for you... but I want to raise my own children."

Brian got up and patted his shoulder. "None of us would ever try to tell you not to. If what you have works for you, then you win."

"That's good," Gonzo said quietly.

Brian sat back down. "What else do you want to know about?"

"Well... are there lots of other planets with people out there?"

"Plenty of them. The nearest ones are Koozebane and Gorch. It's a big galaxy, and our ship only hangs around this part of it, so we haven’t seen anything like all of them. Every so often we contact our other ships and trade news, so we find out what others are doing."

"'Our' other ships? Are there more of us?"

Brian was surprised. "Of course! Did you think there's only a thousand of us living in one ship? Gonzo, our people have been in space for millions of zotons. I don't know how far we've spread, but we get news from other arms of the galaxy, although by the time it spreads this far it's pretty old. There are thousands, millions, maybe more of our ships. We've colonized planets. We've contacted planets that were ready for it, and stay out of the business of those that aren't yet. There isn't a star you can see from here that we haven't explored."

"Wow," Gonzo said. "Kinda makes me feel small."

Brian said in a serious tone, "Gonzo, you're no bigger and no smaller than any of the rest of us."

*

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's The Muppet Show!"

Brian watched from backstage as the Muppets put on their act. They sang, they told jokes and performed skits, and they defended themselves against a pair of insulting audience members. The show was as full of strange creatures and bizarre spectacles as any spaceport city. Brian watched, thoroughly enjoying himself, occasionally helping shift scenery when called upon to pitch in.

Towards the end of the first act Gonzo, now wearing a gaudy red-and-yellow costume and helmet, came down the steps, surrounded by a flock of showgirl chickens. He was carrying Billie. He said to Brian, "My act's next. Camilla's in it too. Would you mind babysitting?"

"Of course not! Give her here."

"Thanks!" Gonzo hurried off to make sure the stagehands positioned the cannons just right; during the last show they were just a little off their marks, causing Gonzo to do some unplanned acrobatics. After he confirmed that all was ready Gonzo, the chickens, and two furless creatures took their places and waited for their cue.

The pseudo-scientific portion of the act was amusing, and when the music started up Brian could not believe his eyes. His people fired themselves out of cannons for important ceremonies; obviously that part of their culture had stuck with Gonzo. But to do so over and over in rapid succession was madness! Yet somehow Gonzo stayed in control, twisting himself around in midair and landing in the cannon muzzles feet-first and ready for the next blast. On the final one the cannon tipped back and Gonzo went up rather than across, then came down behind the lab desk. A hidden trampoline bounced him up again, and he landed at the front of the stage. After a moment's surprise the chickens swarmed around him and struck a pose.

The curtains closed, and Gonzo bounded offstage, grinning maniacally. "It worked! It actually worked this time!" he exclaimed to Kermit. "Did you see that?"

"Yeah. Congratulations, it was bound to happen sometime," Kermit replied, patting him on the back. Scooter, who had been poised to dial the last number of 911, closed his cell phone and put it back in his pocket.

"Oh—Kermit, Camilla and I have something we'd like to talk with you about. It'll just take a minute. Would during intermission be okay?"

"Sure."

"Thanks!" Gonzo went over to Brian. "Did you see it?"

"I saw it, but I don't believe it. How did you do that? Why did you do that?"

"It's art! Who needs any other reason?" Gonzo replied. He held out his hands, and Brian returned Billie to him. He stroked her head feathers affectionately and said, "What did you think of that, huh?"

She squeaked. Camilla laughed. Cheerfully Gonzo said, "She thinks I should shut up and feed her. She's the boss!" He went up the stairs with Camilla.

*

Some time later Gonzo heard a rap at the dressing room door. "Come in."

Kermit entered. "It's intermission. What did you and Camilla need to talk with me about?"

Gonzo was holding Billie, who had fallen asleep after being fed. "Oops, sorry, I lost track of time," he said sheepishly.

"I can't imagine why," the frog said with a smile.

Gonzo said, "We just got word from Porque & Beanes about the case. They've taken their cut of the settlement, and are going to send us our part." He held out a letter.

Kermit skimmed past the legalese and saw the number after the dollar sign. "Whew! Congratulations,” he remarked, handing the letter back.

"We want to give it to the Muppet Theater."

Startled, Kermit said, "What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah.” Gonzo explained, “This theater has been the greatest thing in both our lives. We love doing movies and TV shows with the Muppets, but... well, when we started the show back up in this theater, it was like coming home again. We want to give something back, now that we can."

Kermit said, "It doesn't work that way. You give back by being part of it. You're part of what made it in the first place. You should save that money for your family."

Camilla laughed behind her wing. Gonzo said, "Actually, I think we've got that covered."

"Come on, Gonzo. Half the time you forget to cash your paychecks."

"Heh, yeah, but I think Camilla's going to remind me from now on. She's good about that kind of thing. In fact, she's been depositing hers in a savings account since the very beginning. And since chickens don't have much in the way of living expenses, it turns out she's got a nice little nest egg. So we decided to invest this in the future. We want this theater to be around when our children grow up."

Kermit said, "Well... Think about it some more, okay? If you still feel the same way tomorrow, then okay."

"Good," Gonzo said.

Billie yawned and twitched her arms, but did not open her eyes. Kermit said, "She sure is cute."

"Yeah. Do you want to hold her?"

"Sure." He hadn't asked to when Miss Piggy was in the vicinity. She had a lot on her mind lately, and he didn't want to set her off. The fuzzy feathers felt warm and slightly tickly against Kermit's cool skin. She blinked drowsily at him, then closed her eyes again and went back to sleep.

*

The show kept on track for the rest of the night. This was their third performance, and they had had time to work out the kinks and glitches and come up with new ways to upstage each other. Brian willingly helped out backstage, but adamantly resisted an attempt to get him to sit at one of the tables for Miss Piggy's number. Sweetums, on the other hand, did decide to join in, and his enthusiastic admiration of Miss Piggy—which, owing to his face, came across as a leer—drew laughter from the audience.

They all returned to the boarding house, tired but in high spirits. When they arrived Skeeter was sitting in the living room eating popcorn with Maibes and Tiya. She greeted them with "Hiya. I'd ask if you knocked 'em dead, but it looks like they got you first.”

Scooter said, "Thanks for helping out, sis."

"Yeah. It was fun. I'll forgive you for shanghaiing me into playing guide. This time," she told him.

Scooter mentally translated: she had had a great time playing host to the spacemen. "Thanks again."

Brian asked Tiya and Maibes, "What did you find out?"

Maibes said, "Come out to the ships with us."

The three went into the back yard. The lamps around the Jacuzzi were on, lighting the ships starkly on one side. Maibes said in a low voice, "You were correct. We looked through many sources without telling anyone what we were trying to learn. Even though the fossil record is incomplete and the dating is often suspect, it still matches the original records too well to be a coincidence. Billie's existence removes any doubt in the matter."

The three were quiet for a moment. Then Brian asked, "What do we tell them?"

"Nothing yet. I have already made my report. Now it's up to them to decide," Tiya said, glancing upward to indicate their mother ship.

Brian nodded agreement. "Okay. If they ask, I'll tell 'em we're just interested in the pasts of the planets we visit."

Maibes said, "Yes. And now we must return. I have a feeling we will be answering questions until we drop from exhaustion."

"Turn on the autopilot and sleep on the way up," Brian advised with an attempt at a smile. "Um, I'd like to stay down here while they deliberate. I don't have anything to add to what you found out."

“You like it here?" Tiya said. It wasn't really a question.

"Yeah. I do."

Maibes said, "If nobody else has told you to return, we won't."

"Thanks," Brian said, relieved.

They watched as Brian went over to the lit house. Maibes said, "Do you suppose we'll lose him here?"

"I don't know," she answered.

They went into their ships, which rose into the sky, visible only as dark shapes against the stars.

*****

All characters except Brian, Maibes, Tiya, and Billie are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Billie and Brian are copyright © Kim McFarland. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[Lil0Vampy]

Fabulous as always! I'm excited for the next enstallment.

 

[The Count]

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, was out yester-eve.

Skeeter! ! !
And Billie's so adorable...
And the show going on.
And the hushed secrecy between the Alien Gonzos.
And the extra layer of secrecy separating the newsome twosome and Brian.

And, and, more please!

 

[Slackbot]

Lil0Vampy: Thanks! The next one is half-written already.

The Count: Heh, it was a last-minute whim to throw Skeeter in. Originally I was going to just make up an "um-friend" for Scooter, but then I flashed on the Skeeter that appeared in the comic. I didn't care much about the TV version, but I'd definitely like to see her come back to the comic. I imagined that, being all tomboyish, she probably went through a phase in which she thought dinosaurs were neato. (Probably when she was 10, the age my dinosaur-loving nephew is now.)

Brian's not loving the secrecy, let me tell you. His job is communicator - linguist, anthropologist, and ambassador rolled into one - not spy. He'd have been smarter to go back to the mother ship, thus taking himself out of that unpleasant position.

 

[Slackbot]

Glad you're liking it! I do have a few post-script stories in mind, but those won't be part of the proper series. And, of course, I'm saving up outtakes for the blooper reel.

What is an "input"?

 

[Slackbot]

'Cause I feel like posting a teaser, I'm posting a teaser. And 'cause I don't want it to be a spoiler, it's... well, you'll see.

*****

After intermission, the curtains opened on a stage set like a darkened nightclub. This time the tables were filled; every male Muppet who could find a tux or reasonable facsimile was seated. After a brief musical introduction by Rowlf on the piano and Floyd on the bass fiddle, Miss Piggy stepped out from the back into a follow spot and began to sing Why Don't You Do Right?

She glided from table to table as she sang, flirting with and then disdaining each set of admirers. When she came to the last table, the one with Kermit, she saw that Robin, again wearing an oversized bowtie, was sitting on the table and grinning up at her. She drew Kermit out of his seat and, leaning far forward, sang to him. Then, instead of dropping him back into his seat, she swept him up in her arms and sashayed offstage, singing her final "Why don't you do right, like some other men do?" with a lecherous smirk.

Kermit remained in character until the curtains closed. Then he said, "Piggy, put me down."

"Not just yet," she said sweetly, and carried him up the stairs.