Favorite "At the Dance" jokes/segments

[Philip Kippel]

What are your favorite "At the Dance" jokes or segments from The Muppet Show?

Some of my favorites:

Joel Grey:

Mildred: I come from a very old family.
George: Mine's older.
Mildred: Oh, really? How old?
George: My family's so old it's been condemned.

Male Pig: Boy, my brother's really something. He's got girls eating right out of his hand.
Piggy: Oh? Is he a lover?
Male Pig: No, a waiter.

Gloat (to Mary Louise): You know, I'm really stuck on you.
Mary Louise: Oh, how sweet. You love me?
Gloat: No, I'm just stuck on you. (pulls his head away from Mary Louise's, with her red nose stuck on his snout)


Ruth Buzzi:

Male Pig (to Piggy): Oh, my dear, your face is so lovely. Have I ever seen you in the movies?
Piggy: Well, I don't think so. I hardly ever go.

Whatnot woman (to Rowlf): You know, I have a bone to pick with you.
Rowlf: Too late. I just buried it.


Rita Moreno:

Trumpet Girl (to Animal): I hear you come from a broken home.
Animal: Yeah. I broke it myself.


Jim Nabors:

Rowlf (to the pink sweater-clad woman): My doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu.
Woman: What did he say to do?
Rowlf: He said take two fortune cookies and he'd call me in the morning.

Headless Man (to a disembodied woman's head): You've got something I've been looking for all my life.


Florence Henderson:

Rowlf (to the pink sweater-clad woman): Tell me the truth. You don't like dancing with a dog, do you?
Woman: What makes you say that?
Rowlf: It's that flea collar you're wearing.
(The woman reveals that she does indeed have a collar around her neck.)

Male Rat (to a female rat): I think we oughta move out of the ghetto and find ourselves a nice little dump in the suburbs.
Female Rat: Oh, honey, I love you like the plague!


Sandy Duncan:

Mildred (to George): You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.
George: Why? Were they dirty?

Rowlf (to Sexy Muppet): My cousin lives in the desert and, boy, can he run fast!
Sexy Muppet: Because the sand is so hot?
Rowlf: No, because the trees are so far apart.


Candice Bergen:

Droop (to the pink sweater-clad woman): When I went to school, I was the teacher's pet.
Woman: What's the matter? Couldn't she afford a dog?

Male Pig (to a female pig): You dance like Rogers.
Female Pig: Oh, Ginger Rogers?
Male Pig: No, Roy Rogers.


Vincent Price:

Male Ghost: I'm going into the moving business?
Female Ghost: Really? Locally?
Male Ghost: No, ghost to ghost.

Sexy Muppet: I'm simply starving. Can't we stop for a bite?
Dracula: Delighted, my dear. (bites Sexy Muppet's neck)

Male Ghost: Why don't we stop and have a drink?
Female Ghost: We can't.
Male Ghost: Why not?
Female Ghost: They don't serve spirits here.


Valerie Harper:

Mildred: Dr. Tooth...
Dr. Teeth: Teeth.
Mildred: Teeth. Do you think honesty is the best policy?
Dr. Teeth: Positively.
Mildred: Well, you are a terrible dancer.
Dr. Teeth: Another crack like that and your best policy will be an insurance policy!


Twiggy:

Sexy Muppet (to Sam Eagle): What's the difference between immoral and illegal?
Sam: Immoral is doing bad things, illegal is me with a tummyache. I didn't write it.

Shouting Lady: I've recorded three record albums and they're all really great, but they haven't sold!
Herman: What do you sing? Rock?
Shouting Lady: No, lullabies!


Mummenschanz:

Rowlf (to Sexy Muppet): Hey, you are one cute tomato, my little dumpling, my little cupcake, my little lambchop.
Sexy Muppet: That makes me feel so... so...
Rowlf: Amorous? Let's kiss.
Sexy Muppet: No, hungry. Let's eat.

Whatnot Man: You know, these jokes they give us each week, they make me so mad I could blow my top!
Whatnot Woman: Me too.
Whatnot Man: Ladies first.
(The woman's head explodes, followed by the man's.)
Whatnot Man (disembodied voice): Ah. I feel better now.

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

Lena Horne:

Woman (to Boppity): You know what really bothers me?
Boppity: What?
Woman: Your temper; you're always blowing your top!
Boppity: Oh yeah? (His head explodes)

 

[Philip Kippel]

More of my favorite "At the Dance" jokes:

Nancy Walker:

Floyd (to a whatnot woman): Why are we dancing in an operating room?
Woman: Because although the music will soon be over, the melody lingers on.


John Cleese:

Whatnot man: So, I says to the waiter, I says "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup" and the waiter says "Shhh, not so loud! Everybody will be wanting one!"

Duck-billed woman: So, I said to the waiter, I said "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?" and the waiter says "Looks like the backstroke".

Marvin: So, I said to the waiter, I said "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup" and the waiter said "What's the matter? You ordered a mosquito?"

Kermit: So, I said to the waiter, I said "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" and the waiter said "Standing in for the apostrophy".

Waiter #1: My, what a tough night I've had tonight.
Waiter #2: Oh, yeah, me too. The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner.
Waiter #1: One, two, three, dip!
(The waiters then lean forward, causing the wine glasses on their trays to fall off.)


Pearl Bailey:

Mildred (to a pig professor): Are you a real professor?
Pig: Of course. I hold the high chair of philosophy.
Mildred: Where's that?
Pig: Right here. (picks up a chair)

Male Snake (to a female snake): Say, are we poisonous?
Female Snake: I don't know. Why?
Male Snake: Oh, nothing really. I... I just bit my tongue!


Raquel Welch:

Fozzie: Did you hear about the nut who joined the army?
Male Pig: Sure. They made him a colonel!
Female Pig: That old chestnut!

Fozzie: What do you get when you cross an eskimo and a pig?
Fleet Scribbler: Oh, that's easy. You get a polar boar!

Monk #1: You do all the cooking in the monastery?
Monk #2: I only cook the potatoes.
Monk #1: If you only cook the potatoes, what do they call you?
Fozzie: The friar.
Monk #2: No, the chip monk.


Dudley Moore:

Fozzie: What is green, waves its arms and is found in Chinese restaurants?
Whatnot woman: I don't know. What IS green, waves its arms and is found in Chinese restaurants?
Fozzie: Kermit the Eggroll!

Fozzie: Why did the duck cross the road?
Whatnot woman: I don't know! Why DID the duck cross the road?
Fozzie: Because he was tied to the chicken!

Fozzie: What do you call a light brown billiard stick?
Whatnot man: Uh, tan cue?
Fozzie: You're welcome!


Carol Burnett:

Purple Frackle (to Blue-Green Frackle): Do you know what sea monsters eat?
Blue-Green Frackle: I give up.
Purple Frackle: Fish and ships!

Whatnot woman (to a pirate): Why do we keep dancing around in the circles?
Pirate: Because me wooden leg be screwed to the floor!

English Gent: I put my golfing shoes on by mistake and my feet are killing me!
Zelda Rose: Oh, why?
English Gent: I put them on inside out!

 

[Harvey Towers]

Mildred: George, do you like duckling?
George: I don't know, I've never duckeled!

Also a similar joke with 'Franklin' and 'frankling'...

 

[Beauregard]

Mildred: Do you liek Kipling?
George: I don't know I never Kippled...

 

[Harvey Towers]

Gonzo: Excuse me it's time to change partners.
Whatnot: No, it's time to change ballrooms!

 

[Effralyo]

(Stepping in: out o`thread, but think that a random j/k will suit)

"Whara`s your name?" - "Beauregard.." - "Ah, guard my boa, them!"

 

[abiraniriba]

favorite dance joke

Male chicken: And how are the kids
Female chicken: Not too good. One of them has the people pox.

 

[Whatever]

Female Monster: There's a bat headed this way
Boppity: That's all right. My uncle was a vampire.
*baseball bat knocks his head off*
Female Monster: It's not that kind of a bat!

 

[Philip Kippel]

More favorite "At the Dance" jokes:

Jim Nabors:

Mildred: You know, my marriage was wrecked by something really stupid.
George: What was that?
Mildred: My husband.


Paul Williams:

Shouting Lady: I just can't seem to hold onto a job! The last one only lasted for 10 minutes!
Man: What were you doing?
Shouting Lady: I was a librarian.


Kaye Ballard:

Janice: My family has quite a history. You can find a record of them in the 17th century.
Zoot: So does my family. You can find a record of them in the 19th precinct.


Candice Bergen:
Janice (to Zoot): If the Queen of England was free tomorrow night, would you take her to dinner?
Zoot: Sure, babe! Of course I would!
Janice: Well, she can't make it, so how about me?


Ben Vereen:

Male Pig (to a female pig): Last week, my cousin was seen on television by 30 million people!
Female Pig: What is he? A rock star?
Male Pig: No, a football.

Whatnot Man (to Trumpet Girl): I've got my eye on you.
Trumpet Girl: Oh, really?
Whatnot Man: (pulls his head away from Trumpet Girl's, with one of his eyes stuck on her face) Really.

Janice (to Zoot): Do you like bathing beauties?
Zoot: I don't know. I've never bathed one.

Janice (to Zoot): Did you know that the Rolling Stones are here tonight?
Zoot: No kidding! They're my favorite singing group!
Janice: No, these are the other rolling stones!
(A bunch of stones roll by.)


Valerie Harper:

Zoot: The music they're playing is garbage, man! Pure garbage!
Janice: Why's that?
(Some garbage falls on Zoot and Janice.)
Zoot: Enough said.