Chapter 5
“But—but Aunt Piggy,” Robin whined. “I thought we’d just hire a deejay or something.”
Piggy put her hands on her hips. “A deejay? Really? When we know tons of musicians?”
“Yeah, but….” Robin trailed off. As her beloved nephew, he had never been on the receiving end of one of her legendary hi-yas, but—oh!—he had heard stories, and he was a believer. “They won’t play, you know, old…um, I mean…will they play things we want to dance to?” He was as tall as she was but nevertheless giving a great impression of looking up at her with pollywog eyes.
“Sweetie,” Piggy growled, almost out of patience, but not unmoved by those eyes. “They will play whatever I tell, um, whatever I ask them to play,” she insisted. “Besides, I assumed you’d be using the pool, so I don’t think there’s much point in trying to set up a full-scale disco in our dining room.”
“What’s a disco?” Robin asked, eyes wide and guileless, but Piggy knew when she was being tweaked.
“If you don’t stop whining at Moi or trying to make me feel old I’m going to swat you.”
“Speaking of old…” Robin began.
Piggy whirled on him, but at the sight of him looking suddenly so uncomfortable, she sucked in her temper and peered at him.
“What, Sweetie?”
Robin looked miserable but determined. “Aunt Piggy, could you…I mean, do you think you…have…um, any regular clothes? For tonight, I mean?”
Few people, frogs, bears or whatevers can say that have made Miss Piggy positively speechless, but Robin had now joined their ranks.
“Regular clothes?” Piggy asked. She looked down at her pink faille above-the-knee skirt and silk chemise and one hand rose reflexively to her pearls. She bit her lip hard to keep from smiling. “Are you asking if I can dress more like…a parent?” she asked.
“Yes,” Robin said, letting out the breath he’d obviously been holding. “Could you, Aunt Piggy? Please? Just for tonight? Please don’t be offended.”
Piggy wasn’t offended. She was amused. “I thought I was the most awesome parental unit on the planet?” Piggy teased, and Robin looked up hopefully. She was smiling. She wasn’t mad.
He reached out and squeezed her hand. “You are. I mean, you and Kermit are the best, but you’re so…so….”
“Awesome?”
Robin laughed, blushing to beat the band. “Absolutely,” he said. “But just for tonight, could you try to be a little less amazing?”
Piggy’s voice was dry. “I’ll see if it’s possible,” she said.
The doorbell rang, saving them, and Piggy grabbed his sleeve and pulled him after her toward the door. It opened to reveal about a dozen muppet rats standing on the stoop.
“Say Cheese Party Decorations and Favors,” said the one in front, whose eyes were glued to his electronic tablet. “We’re here to set up some decorations for a Miss The Frog?” He looked up. If he was surprised by the sight of a frog and a pig he did not show it, but several of the rats were nudging each other and murmuring. “It’s her,” one of them muttered to a burley rat next to him. “Told you they lived in this neighborhood.”
“It’s Mrs. The Frog,” said Piggy, taking the tablet and signing. “Come right this way.” She let them through the lobby, the dining room, the kitchen and finally out one of the back doors onto the patio where the tiled pool glimmered in the sun. Robin trailed in their wake. “This is the main set-up area,” she said, waving a gloved hand. “And I want the kitchen and the dining room and the living room done, too.” She placed her hands on Robin’s budding biceps and pulled him front and center. “This is my nephew, Robin,” she said, “and he would be delighted to reach anything that is too tall.”
“Can the ladder, Zooey,” one of the rats called. There was a metallic clatter from the driveway.
Piggy smiled sweetly at Robin. “Have fun,” she called, and disappeared upstairs.
Kermit did not like to drive, but he was not enjoying being driven very much right now, either. The cabbie was a rather disreputable-looking orange-striped tabby who whipped the little taxi in and out of traffic with a speed and fury that was making Kermit glad he’d had no breakfast and sorry he’d bought coffee.
“So, the airport,” said the tabby. “You heading back east or back west?”
Kermit smiled, glad to be distracted. “West,” he said. “Back to the west coast.”
“Huh,” said the cat. “I sortof figured you for an East Coast sort of guy. New York, you know?”
“Um, well, New York’s great too,” Kermit said. “But I didn’t grow up on either coast.”
The tabby turned around and looked at Kermit long enough to make Kermit gulp, grip the seat on either side anxiously and try to step on the phantom brake in the back of the taxi.
“I know you,” said the tabby.
“Oh, er, how nice,” said Kermit.
“Yeah—I see you all the time on television. I like your stuff.”
Kermit smiled in what he hoped was a friendly manner and tried not to scream like a girl as the cab darted incautiously in and out of traffic.
“Yeah—when I see you on tv, I run in to see what you do next.”
“Well, um, thanks, um….” Kermit leaned forward, trying to read the cat’s license swaying crazily from a breakaway cord around the rearview mirror. “Burley. It’s always nice to meet a fan.”
Without warning, the cab shot across two lanes of traffic, barreled down the off ramp and hurled itself toward the airport’s glass door. Kermit put his foot on the back of the driver’s seat, bracing himself for impact, but Burley had one paw on the emergency brake. He pulled it, bringing the car to a bone-jarring whump against the curb.
Burley got out, lumbered around an opened the door for Kermit, who practically fell onto the sidewalk. He resisted the urge to kiss the ground. Home, he thought, trying to still his frantic heartbeat. He pulled a bill out of his wallet and handed it to Burley, who smiled and grinned toothily.
“Thanks—thanks! I appreciate it!”
Kermit was appreciating not having his insides spilled across the highway. He had a sudden, shudder-inducing memory of the first time he’d ever seen someone play this awful video game called—here, he grimaced—Frogger.
“No problemo,” said Burley. “And I really, really love your insurance.”
Wearily, Kermit trudged through the airport door.
Piggy was halfway down the stairs when the doorbell rang, so she was unquestionably closer, but she heard Robin bolt through the house and he beat her to the door by at least five feet. She looked a question at him, managing to convey her surprise without the use of eyebrows.
Robin gulped. “It’s, um, it’s Nancy and, um, Keri—I asked them to come help with the party. He looked at her miserably, expecting censure “I should have asked. I meant to ask—I just—the rats came, and then I was….”
Piggy watched him in bemusement. She had never seen him so thoroughly rattled. She put a hand on his arm to calm.
“How nice of them to come help,” she said gently. “Your friends are always welcome here, Robin.”
Robin gulped again and nodded. “Thank you, Aunt Piggy. I—gosh, I—“
“Sweetie,” said Piggy firmly. “Moi is going to open the door. Get a grip, okay?”
Robin nodded again, and smiled. Piggy opened the door just as the doorbell rang again, so the two girls stepped back in surprise, and then—thankfully—everybody laughed.
“Why, hello girls,” said Piggy. Nancy and her friend Keri looked so young and fresh-scrubbed that Piggy was glad she’d was no longer running around with her golden locks tied up in a bandana. Both of the girls smiled at her shyly, then their eyes slid over to Robin hovering behind her.
“Hello, Mrs. The Frog,” said Nancy.
“Hello,” Keri echoed faintly, her eyes wide.
“Hi,” said Robin, and was mortified when his voice squeaked a little.
“Won’t you ladies come in?”
“Um, Aunt Piggy—you know Nancy Kidd. This is Kerimia Hamm. Keri—this is my Aunt, Mrs. The Frog.”
“Oh, Mrs. The Frog,” Keri gushed, finding her voice at last. “It is soooo nice of you to let Robin have the party here. We were going to be soooo disappointed about the party.” Keri was a petite little sow, very athletic and compact, with a mop of silky brunette curls. Her eyes were big and brown.
“Yes, it was very nice of you to offer,” said Nancy to Piggy, although her eyes were focused on Robin. “Thank you so much.”
Robin seemed to come back to life under her gaze. “I was—that is, we were—the rats and I were decorating out back.” He grimaced, making an oh-so-familiar scrunchy face. “I’m the ladder, apparently.”
Both girls giggled. “Do you need any help?” Keri asked. “I’m good with streamers.”
“Sure,” said Robin. “We’re hanging Japanese lanterns.”
“Unless you need us somewhere else, Mrs. The Frog,” said Nancy. Piggy was impressed by the young goat’s manners and social poise, but had expected no less. Louis was a real stickler for appropriateness.
“Decorating will be fine,” she said. “There’s lemonade in the fridge.” She turned and—to Robin’s horror—bussed him on the cheek. Her blue eyes flashed with mischief. “Moi is so glad Robin invited you to come help.”
“The Frog, Kermit,” Kermit said for at least the twelfth time. “Capital T, haitch, Eee space Eff Arr Oh—“
“I don’t seem to have it,” said the lady behind the counter, now rather flustered. “I can’t—it just isn’t in there.”
“But it has to be in there,” Kermit repeated patiently. “My assistant, Scooter Grosse, made the arrangement yesterday afternoon, well, evening. I have a confirmation number.”
“Yes, I know, Mr. The Frog. I already tried looking it up by the confirmation number and last name.”
Kermit’s head hurt. The rest of him didn’t feel so great, either. He was having to make the trip home with two plane changes. His first flight had been crowded, and he’d sat between a lady wearing too much Eau du Something Floral and a businessman who hogged the arm rest and jiggled his foot the whole time. The dry air was uncomfortable on his amphibian skin, and they’d run out of root beer before they’d taken his drink order. There was plenty of alcohol available—just not any root beer. Kermit had been seriously considering it by the time the plane landed, even though it was hardly breakfast time at home.
There had been an interminable lay-over, and Kermit had had an extremely lackluster smoothie that had not sat extremely well during the second plane trip, which had been full of turbulence. They had eventually landed, and with time to spare to catch the next flight.
But what should have been a routine plane change had now morphed into something more complicated. The plane he should have switched to had been diverted, so the passengers had been routed to two different planes. Two airline employees with rosters divvyed up the passengers, checking names off a list until everyone was called—everyone except Kermit.
Apologetic but not really very helpful, another airline employee walked him over to the ticket counter and fled. That had been 40 minutes ago.
“Miss—“
“Mrs., actually,” she said, flashing him a bright smile.
“Mrs., uh,” he read her name tag. “Stake. I appreciate that you’re trying to help me but all the other passengers on my flight have already been routed onto other planes. I don’t know when those planes are planning to take off, but I want to be on one of them.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said, now nearly tearful. “I—let me get a supervisor.” She, too, fled the scene and Kermit considered putting his head down on the cool counter and just going to sleep. Maybe he could stick a label on his back and just ride in the cargo hold like they had in their movie—even that would be preferable to spending another night on the road. He so wanted to get home….
Home to Piggy’s warm kisses and soft hands. Home to the quiet of the skylit foyer. Home where Robin would bound up and tell him about soccer camp and about his planned trip with the Kidds. Kermit was homesick with a palpable ache, liked he’d gone to summer camp and couldn’t find his way back home. He was hungry and tired and—
“Okey-dokey,” said a cheery voice. Kermit snapped to attention and realized that he had, in fact, been resting his head on the cool countertop.
“Give me that confirmation number one more time, please,” said the brisk male voice. Kermit thumbed through the phone, found Scooter’s note, and read the number off to him.
“And his last name is The Frog,” said the lady who had tried to assist him. “Type it right there—“
“Actually, the computer is more likely to find it by the confirmation number if you just type in the number.”
“Anything?” Kermit asked, beyond hope and well into resignation.
“Um, did you say you were Mr. Grosse?”
“No. Mr. Grosse is my personal assistance. He made the reservations.”
“That’s the problem, then,” said the man behind the counter. “The second half of the flight was input with Mr. Grosse’s name since he made the reservation.”
Hope flooded through Kermit’s veins. “Great,” he said. “Now that we know what the problem is, you can fix the ticket.”
“Oh—I can’t fix the ticket,” said the man hastily.
Hope leaked back out again.
“You can’t ?” asked Kermit, knowing he was whining like an eight-year-old but unable to help himself. “Why can’t you?”
“Because only a supervisor can correct this sort of thing.”
Cruelly, hope surged once again. “Well, that’s a relief,” said Kermit. “Find a supervisor.”
The man and the woman exchanged a look. Kermit did not know what it meant, but he knew it was not good news. “What? Don’t tell me you’re all out of supervisors, too?”
“Um, no,” the man stalled. “In fact, they’re all here. There’s a meeting—“
“Good. Interrupt it.”
“Well, Mr. the Frog,” the woman began. “We can’t really just interrupt—”
“In. Ter. Rupt. It.” Kermit said, enunciating slowly. What he wouldn’t have given for Piggy right here to champion his cause.
“Well….”
“I don’t….”
Kermit the Frog had been a family entertainer for many, many years. He had worked with children, animals and monsters, all without turning a hair. (He had none—problem solved.) He had worked under conditions that would stifle most performers and for pay that some would not have crossed the street to receive. He had been stood up by guest stars, stomped on by irate cast-mates and evicted from his own theater on more than one occasion. All this, he had managed with an affability and charm that had captivated most people. But those that had worked with him for many years knew that Kermit’s fuse, while exceptionally long, was connected not to a firecracker but to dynamite. It took a long time for a problem to work him up to a frenzy, but once it did….
“Now look here!” Kermit shouted, waving his arms over his head. “I have been trying since five-thirty this morning to get by home to LA. I could have driven home by now, and I do not care what is going on in that meeting but I want you to interrupt it! Interrupt it now! Now, do you hear me? Now! Get a supervisor, get my ticket fixed and PUT ME ON A PLANE so I can GO HOME. I want to GO HOME NOW!”
The airline employees fled again, this time terror.
But they got him on the next flight out.
Hmpff, Kermit thought. Even Miss Piggy knew better than to mess with a tired, grumpy frog.
Piggy came out onto the landing for Robin’s approval. Her hair was upswept, and she had on a white blouse and a navy blue dirndl skirt with low pumps. She had her pearls at neck and ears and an almost translucent lipstick that did nothing but enhance her own lips.
“All right,” said Piggy. “Do I look parental enough to suit you?”
“Yeah,” said Robin. “That’s perfect.”
“No way,” said Nancy. The frog and the kid stared at each other in surprise.
“She looks great,” said Robin.
“She looks like Donna Reed,” objected Nancy. “Or June Cleaver.”
“She looks like somebody’s aunt!” he insisted. “This is how parents are supposed to dress.”
Nancy put her hand on her hips. “Have you seen my Mom?” she asked. Louise spent most of her workdays in shorts and a tank top.
“Er,” said Robin, blushing. The blush probably saved him from certain doom.
Nancy looked appealingly at Piggy. “Isn’t he just adorable?” she asked.
If Robin had been embarrassed before, he was mortified now.
“What?” he said. “Sheesh!” Keri had emerged from the kitchen and watched the little drama unfolding with frank interest.
Nancy turned to Robin and put her hands on her hips. “How can you have been raised by show people your whole life and still be such a prude?”
“I—I’m not a prude,” he mumbled. “I’m…discreet.”
Keri snorted and Nancy laughed.
“You are adorable,” Nancy said firmly, then ignored him to turn back to Piggy. “Mrs. the Frog, you cannot wear that to the party tonight.”
Piggy was thoroughly enjoying herself. “And why not?” she asked. “Robin likes it. Moi was going for a more subdued--okay, boring look,” she admitted. “Did I overshoot?”
“Oh yeah,” said Nancy. “Um, ma’am.” She looked at Piggy timidly. “You were wearing a really cute pair of capris and wedgie little heels one day when you came to pick Robin up. Maybe something like that…?”
Piggy turned to Robin, who seemed to have processed past prude and made it to adorable. He stood there with a goofy grin on his face. “How about it, kiddo? Your friends have—apparently—already seen me in my regular clothes.”
“Okay,” Robin mumbled. “Just…just tone it down, okay Aunt Piggy? We won’t get any of the guys to come out of the kitchen if you don’t.”
Piggy preened just a little. “And who,” she said archly, “says I’m staying in the kitchen all night?”