Dealing with depression and anxiety

[charlietheowl]

On Friday, I was set to have a great night out when I saw my dad's parents at the diner my best friend and I chose to go to. I saw them, started having a panic attack but, then Brittney (my best friend), did her best to calm me down, make sure I didn't puke up my dinner in my state of panic and we paid our bill and managed to exit the restaurant without acknowledging those bigots. I only told my Abuela because she said it was my choice to choose not to engage with them while my mom would be on me about not having said hello because 'they're my family'; to which I'd answer well, no; no they're not. And if they knew I was dating a black man they would disown me more if they could. But, whatever (I mean, they already hate me for being a product of mixed race so, y'know they'd want to bring down my 'interracial dating agenda' -_-)

On that note, my boyfriend surprised me when came to see me yesterday which was nice He has met Abuelo and Abuela by now who in fact, treat him like a prince whenever he comes over because he's with their little princess (moi) and my mom's older sister who's especially racist and hates black people happened to be over! (Her daughter is with a black man and she has made nasty comments that since my cousin's boyfriend is thinking about proposing to her, he'll use a black diamond) And, while my aunt was nice to my boyfriend's face, I know she'll have nasty things to say later. Not that I care but, if someone has something nasty to say to me, I'd rather they say it to my face and let me respond. And, while I hadn't had a blackout in a long time, I blacked out yesterday while my boyfriend and I were out shopping for a friend's birthday gift and only told my Abuela. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow so, I guess I'll have to tell my doctor as well.

Today I helped Abuela with translating how she was feeling at her doctor's appointment and we asked the doctor for something that my racist aunt recommended. But, then she came over screaming at us, calling us stupid and completely shifting around what she told us to ask for and she called me stupid. I do not at all take kindly to that because 1. I speak, read and write in 2 languages (English&Spanish), 2. I am in 2 different honors societies and am a member of a sorority that is said to call to the smartest women out there and 3. when anyone calls me stupid, it sparks anger that goes back to me being little and being told I would amount to nothing because I didn't know English yet and here I am, set to graduate in 6 months. So, I said something nasty about how I'm pursuing a degree while all my aunt is, is a person who rings up fries for a living. I should not have said that but, she hates her daughter and hates her more for being with a black man so, what's the difference in hating me too?

Then I started feeling bad about that and if that didn't make it all horrible, I found out I may not be financially cleared to move back into my dorm for next semester. My account online says two different things and the one guy who spoke to me from the Enrollment office was very rude and unhelpful.

Now, my boyfriend makes me so happy and he has a lot of faith in God. I am new to the Christianity thing and I've been having some trouble keeping my faith especially since all of this happened today. Then, I was feeling like a waste of space; like all I am to my parents is proof that they made a mistake and if only I didn't exist could they be done with each other once and for all. I was considering taking my life but, that's why I'm staying at my Abuela's place tonight. She doesn't even allow me to take my tweezer into my room because she caught me trying to slice some skin on my wrist with it a few weeks back. Plus, my boyfriend and I love each other very much and I could never leave him heartbroken like that. Plus, I'm my little cousin Ashlee's best grown up as she calls me. And, I couldn't leave her all on her own since she likes to text me about her school adventures (She's not really texting, her iPad can connect to my phone through her e-mail, it's still cute though)

Now, through some advice from my loving boyfriend, I have since read some Bible passages about keeping strong and Abuela has assured me that whatever is needed money-wise or not, she'll smooth my mom over about it and all. I am praying everything falls back into place and I am asking for prayers and good vibes. I hope you're all doing well and I'm sending positive prayers and good vibes to you all as well <3

Sounds like you're dealing with quite a lot, and I don't blame you for being stressed out at some of the situations. Having to balance the pressures of senior year with school with a delicate family situation sounds hard, and it's natural to be frazzled over things. I think you're doing your best to manage tough feelings with the help of your boyfriend and friends, along with your abuela and faith. It's good to remember you have so many options for help with things start to get really tough. I hope things go well for you.

 

[Mo Frackle]

I've been in a bit of a dark hole these last few days. I suppose it's a result of both seasonal and general life changes.

Continuting to stress over what lies ahead after college. Will I actually find steady employment doing what I want to do, or will I be stuck as one of the unlucky ones beaten down by the all too tough job market? I'll be meeting with my advisor later this week to discuss what I can do to prepare myself for all of that. I'd imagine most people my age are just as anxious about getting work as I am.

Without getting too detailed, I've also been stressing over the fact that I may have done something to hurt another person, or at least make them uneasy. And I feel that I owe them an apology. But I simply haven't been given the opportunity to say sorry. It's as though someone up there is telling me not to do it.

I don't really have much of a support group right now. I've gone back to pretty much isolating myself from forming closer bonds with people. I still remain friendly to acquaintances I see around school, but don't really bother taking it from there.

On a slightly related note, I've learned not to burden others with my problems so much. While it's nice to have support, I don't feel it's right to bring other people down, intentionally or not. It just doesn't feel right. If anything, I want to do what I can to make others happy. Sometimes that means faking my own happiness.

As a guy, it's especially difficult to bring emotional stuff out into the open. We live in a society in which us guys are expected to be superhuman alpha males 24/7. Here's the way I see it: you should always try to be the best person you can possibly be, no matter your gender. At the same time, we have to keep in mind that none of us are perfect. That's what I try doing these days - being the best person I can possibly be.

On Friday, I was set to have a great night out when I saw my dad's parents at the diner my best friend and I chose to go to. I saw them, started having a panic attack but, then Brittney (my best friend), did her best to calm me down, make sure I didn't puke up my dinner in my state of panic and we paid our bill and managed to exit the restaurant without acknowledging those bigots. I only told my Abuela because she said it was my choice to choose not to engage with them while my mom would be on me about not having said hello because 'they're my family'; to which I'd answer well, no; no they're not. And if they knew I was dating a black man they would disown me more if they could. But, whatever (I mean, they already hate me for being a product of mixed race so, y'know they'd want to bring down my 'interracial dating agenda' -_-)

On that note, my boyfriend surprised me when came to see me yesterday which was nice He has met Abuelo and Abuela by now who in fact, treat him like a prince whenever he comes over because he's with their little princess (moi) and my mom's older sister who's especially racist and hates black people happened to be over! (Her daughter is with a black man and she has made nasty comments that since my cousin's boyfriend is thinking about proposing to her, he'll use a black diamond) And, while my aunt was nice to my boyfriend's face, I know she'll have nasty things to say later. Not that I care but, if someone has something nasty to say to me, I'd rather they say it to my face and let me respond. And, while I hadn't had a blackout in a long time, I blacked out yesterday while my boyfriend and I were out shopping for a friend's birthday gift and only told my Abuela. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow so, I guess I'll have to tell my doctor as well.

Today I helped Abuela with translating how she was feeling at her doctor's appointment and we asked the doctor for something that my racist aunt recommended. But, then she came over screaming at us, calling us stupid and completely shifting around what she told us to ask for and she called me stupid. I do not at all take kindly to that because 1. I speak, read and write in 2 languages (English&Spanish), 2. I am in 2 different honors societies and am a member of a sorority that is said to call to the smartest women out there and 3. when anyone calls me stupid, it sparks anger that goes back to me being little and being told I would amount to nothing because I didn't know English yet and here I am, set to graduate in 6 months. So, I said something nasty about how I'm pursuing a degree while all my aunt is, is a person who rings up fries for a living. I should not have said that but, she hates her daughter and hates her more for being with a black man so, what's the difference in hating me too?

Then I started feeling bad about that and if that didn't make it all horrible, I found out I may not be financially cleared to move back into my dorm for next semester. My account online says two different things and the one guy who spoke to me from the Enrollment office was very rude and unhelpful.

Now, my boyfriend makes me so happy and he has a lot of faith in God. I am new to the Christianity thing and I've been having some trouble keeping my faith especially since all of this happened today. Then, I was feeling like a waste of space; like all I am to my parents is proof that they made a mistake and if only I didn't exist could they be done with each other once and for all. I was considering taking my life but, that's why I'm staying at my Abuela's place tonight. She doesn't even allow me to take my tweezer into my room because she caught me trying to slice some skin on my wrist with it a few weeks back. Plus, my boyfriend and I love each other very much and I could never leave him heartbroken like that. Plus, I'm my little cousin Ashlee's best grown up as she calls me. And, I couldn't leave her all on her own since she likes to text me about her school adventures (She's not really texting, her iPad can connect to my phone through her e-mail, it's still cute though)

Now, through some advice from my loving boyfriend, I have since read some Bible passages about keeping strong and Abuela has assured me that whatever is needed money-wise or not, she'll smooth my mom over about it and all. I am praying everything falls back into place and I am asking for prayers and good vibes. I hope you're all doing well and I'm sending positive prayers and good vibes to you all as well <3

Really hoping things go well for you, Mokey. You seem like a strong person, despite all of the stress. I applaud your for that. Also glad to see you've got a nice support group with your friends, boyfriend, etc.

 

[DramaQueenMokey]

Thank you to everyone! My mean aunt apologized for calling me stupid, my school financial scares are being taken care of quite well (or, they will be in a few hours once I get the form I need in) and, while I've still got plenty of worries on my shoulders, I CAN DO THIS!!!

Blessings to you all <333

 

[Katzi428]

I didn't want to say anything (mostly because I thought people in here wouldn't care.) But here goes:
I found out my sister might have a serious illness. She & I have a close relationship (she's younger than me.) & knowing she's sick hurts me more than you can imagine. I wish I could do more for her. But I can't. I find myself getting upset nearly every day. Thankfully I've been able to keep a brave face around her. (Tomorrow is her birthday. She & her partner will be over tomorrow night to celebrate. I'm just hoping this isn't the last birthday she spends w/us.)

 

[Mo Frackle]

I didn't want to say anything (mostly because I thought people in here wouldn't care.) But here goes:
I found out my sister might have a serious illness. She & I have a close relationship (she's younger than me.) & knowing she's sick hurts me more than you can imagine. I wish I could do more for her. But I can't. I find myself getting upset nearly every day. Thankfully I've been able to keep a brave face around her. (Tomorrow is her birthday. She & her partner will be over tomorrow night to celebrate. I'm just hoping this isn't the last birthday she spends w/us.)

Sorry to hear that, Katzi. I'm glad that you're able to keep a brave face. That's one of the hardest things anyone can do. I'll be keeping you and your sister in my thoughts/prayers.

 

[charlietheowl]

As a guy, it's especially difficult to bring emotional stuff out into the open. We live in a society in which us guys are expected to be superhuman alpha males 24/7. Here's the way I see it: you should always try to be the best person you can possibly be, no matter your gender. At the same time, we have to keep in mind that none of us are perfect. That's what I try doing these days - being the best person I can possibly be.

I think you have the right attitude with trying to be the best person you can each day. I have come to an understanding the past couple of years that everyone is a work in progress, and each day gives me the opportunity to learn something that can help me grow as a person. Like at work, if a task is frustrating but I ultimately get it done, I try to find something to take from it to apply to things in the future. Life is a long process, and we're always going to be changing.

 

[fuzzygobo]

Thank you to everyone! My mean aunt apologized for calling me stupid, my school financial scares are being taken care of quite well (or, they will be in a few hours once I get the form I need in) and, while I've still got plenty of worries on my shoulders, I CAN DO THIS!!!

Blessings to you all <333

I'm proud of how you're handling a tough time. And you are right stating "I can do this".
And you're not doing it alone. You have your boyfriend, Abuela and Prima (and a few of us here from a distance). And your walk with God will only make you stronger.
I know too racism is such an ugly form of hate. My dad was the same way. The best you can do, instead of being angry at your grandparents, is have pity on them. All they're doing is showing their ignorance, which along with fear, is what racism is.

 

[fuzzygobo]

I've been in a bit of a dark hole these last few days. I suppose it's a result of both seasonal and general life changes.

Continuting to stress over what lies ahead after college. Will I actually find steady employment doing what I want to do, or will I be stuck as one of the unlucky ones beaten down by the all too tough job market? I'll be meeting with my advisor later this week to discuss what I can do to prepare myself for all of that. I'd imagine most people my age are just as anxious about getting work as I am.

Without getting too detailed, I've also been stressing over the fact that I may have done something to hurt another person, or at least make them uneasy. And I feel that I owe them an apology. But I simply haven't been given the opportunity to say sorry. It's as though someone up there is telling me not to do it.

I don't really have much of a support group right now. I've gone back to pretty much isolating myself from forming closer bonds with people. I still remain friendly to acquaintances I see around school, but don't really bother taking it from there.

On a slightly related note, I've learned not to burden others with my problems so much. While it's nice to have support, I don't feel it's right to bring other people down, intentionally or not. It just doesn't feel right. If anything, I want to do what I can to make others happy. Sometimes that means faking my own happiness.

As a guy, it's especially difficult to bring emotional stuff out into the open. We live in a society in which us guys are expected to be superhuman alpha males 24/7. Here's the way I see it: you should always try to be the best person you can possibly be, no matter your gender. At the same time, we have to keep in mind that none of us are perfect. That's what I try doing these days - being the best person I can possibly be.


Really hoping things go well for you, Mokey. You seem like a strong person, despite all of the stress. I applaud your for that. Also glad to see you've got a nice support group with your friends, boyfriend, etc.

There are a lot more people willing to help you than you think. Talking to your advisor is a good start.
Talking to others and coming out of your shell is one of the best things you can do. The person you feel you may have hurt, don't keep it bottled up. Tell them how you feel. They'll appreciate your honesty, and you'll feel better not having to carry around any more doubts.

Don't worry about bringing others down if you have problems. We all do. Even if it goes against a lot of male behavior, admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
I admire you for mentioning it here. Not everybody can do that. Guys will put up a front of acting macho rather than be humble enough to ask for help. Don't settle for that.

I'm not here to convert anyone, but you can bring anything troubling you to God. He will listen, he won't judge you, and he won't turn you away. And nothing is too big or too small to ask him. He's done so much for me, he'll hear your voice too. All you have to do is open up your heart. You don't need any fancy prayer or anything, just lay down everything on your heart and mind, just like you do here.

And being the best person you can be, like you are, nobody can ask for more than that.

 

[Katzi428]

Thank you to everyone! My mean aunt apologized for calling me stupid, my school financial scares are being taken care of quite well (or, they will be in a few hours once I get the form I need in) and, while I've still got plenty of worries on my shoulders, I CAN DO THIS!!!

Blessings to you all <333

Aww..we love you too DQM! And I'm glad things are looking up for you! You'll feel even better once those worries are lifted off your shoulders. We have your back; don't worry.

 

[Katzi428]

Sorry to hear that, Katzi. I'm glad that you're able to keep a brave face. That's one of the hardest things anyone can do. I'll be keeping you and your sister in my thoughts/prayers.

Thanks Mo.
I just feel so bad for her, though! In my eyes, she'll always be my baby sister. (But if I call her "my baby sister" to her face, she'll get REALLY mad! ) She & her partner were supposed to come over tonight . But she's coming over earlier. (thank goodness.) As I mentioned, her birthday is today & the thought of her spending a good part of the day alone makes me feel bad. (Her partner has to work.)