Dealing with depression and anxiety

[Mo Frackle]

Just like with Mokey- as long as you know you did your best, that's all you can ask for. Now if you goofed off all semester and you struggle at the end, you get what you deserve.

But you don't seem like the goof-off type.
I wish I was in your class, working on a film with you. Spring semester 1988, (yes, that long ago) I took a filmmaking course, had the time of my life. A bunch of business majors pretending to be Scorcese. My partner and I were supposed to complete one film. We cranked out FOUR! Aced the course.
The only thing stopping us from going further, the actual film students were a bunch of drips.
The same kind of people you don't want to show your film to. But, you can't worry about gaining approval from those who might not give it. If your film is good to you (and the professor who has to grade it) that's all that matters.

If I could go back a couple decades and make one more film,, I'm sure when we were pairing people up, I'd find a kindred spirit in you.

Anyway, I'm sure your film will do just fine. I wish I could see it.

Thanks, Gobo, that means a lot. I guess the one thing really holding me back is lack of self-confidence. But I'm working on it, believe me!

 

[CensoredAlso]

So my "best friend" decided to be careless and say something stupid, even though he knows I'm pretty much always down on myself. Don't get me wrong, he is a great friend most of the time, he does a lot for me, and usually tries to make me feel better about myself. But occasionally, instead of apologizing, he decides it would be better to get defensive, play the victim, and oh yeah, mock me. I could dump him at this point, but as I've said before, I don't have that many people in my life right now and very little reason to feel thrilled if he's gone. I have a good job, I'm getting to act in plays, but none of that sticks with me. I'm probably never going to find a husband or have children. I've just been this weird pariah my whole life; I don't understand why the universe's plan seemed to be for me to be this sad all the time. It feels like I'm being told the only way to happiness is to settle for how crappy things are and "make the best of it." Great...

 

[fuzzygobo]

Don't ever sell yourself short. You don't have to settle for a life of mediocrity. And you never know when the right person comes in to your life. They might come from a direction you never would've expected.
There are worse things than being single, like being married to the wrong person.

 

[CensoredAlso]

There are worse things than being single

That will work as reassurance for a couple more years at least.

And I'm just honestly stating how life has been in how other people react. I can only survive on "Well I think I'm great" for so long. Sorry, not doing well today. Or ever much, heh.

 

[fuzzygobo]

I didn't .get married until I was 32. And by then most of my classmates were having kids or getting married a second time. There seemed to be this fear "if I'm not settled down by the time I'm 30 I'll be alone forever". Don't buy into that.

 

[Mo Frackle]

I'm still in my early 20s, but from what people have told me, you're still figuring everything out in your 20s. Once in your 30s, you've been around the block enough times to understand who you are. I feel that these days, people rush into marriage without fully understanding themselves or other people. So I'd say getting married in your 30s+ would actually be great.

 

[CensoredAlso]

You guys are always awesome here.

 

[Mo Frackle]

Well, a new semester starts tomorrow. *Fingers crossed* No anxiety attacks, I hope! I've learned a lot about myself and the world around me over the last six or so months, and hope to continue growing as a person, while also trying to enjoy life.

 

[fuzzygobo]

You hit the nail on the head. You're GROWING. As long as you see that in yourself, you'll find it easier to enjoy life.
At your age you'll keep seeing changes, and that's good. One of the worst things that can happen to someone is see ten, twenty, thirty years go by, and never change. Especially having a bad attitude. What kind of life is that?

But you'll be okay. Keeping a positive attitude, open mind, and open heart, will get you far.

Imagine how far you'll be this time next year.

 

[DramaQueenMokey]

On Friday, I was set to have a great night out when I saw my dad's parents at the diner my best friend and I chose to go to. I saw them, started having a panic attack but, then Brittney (my best friend), did her best to calm me down, make sure I didn't puke up my dinner in my state of panic and we paid our bill and managed to exit the restaurant without acknowledging those bigots. I only told my Abuela because she said it was my choice to choose not to engage with them while my mom would be on me about not having said hello because 'they're my family'; to which I'd answer well, no; no they're not. And if they knew I was dating a black man they would disown me more if they could. But, whatever (I mean, they already hate me for being a product of mixed race so, y'know they'd want to bring down my 'interracial dating agenda' -_-)

On that note, my boyfriend surprised me when came to see me yesterday which was nice He has met Abuelo and Abuela by now who in fact, treat him like a prince whenever he comes over because he's with their little princess (moi) and my mom's older sister who's especially racist and hates black people happened to be over! (Her daughter is with a black man and she has made nasty comments that since my cousin's boyfriend is thinking about proposing to her, he'll use a black diamond) And, while my aunt was nice to my boyfriend's face, I know she'll have nasty things to say later. Not that I care but, if someone has something nasty to say to me, I'd rather they say it to my face and let me respond. And, while I hadn't had a blackout in a long time, I blacked out yesterday while my boyfriend and I were out shopping for a friend's birthday gift and only told my Abuela. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow so, I guess I'll have to tell my doctor as well.

Today I helped Abuela with translating how she was feeling at her doctor's appointment and we asked the doctor for something that my racist aunt recommended. But, then she came over screaming at us, calling us stupid and completely shifting around what she told us to ask for and she called me stupid. I do not at all take kindly to that because 1. I speak, read and write in 2 languages (English&Spanish), 2. I am in 2 different honors societies and am a member of a sorority that is said to call to the smartest women out there and 3. when anyone calls me stupid, it sparks anger that goes back to me being little and being told I would amount to nothing because I didn't know English yet and here I am, set to graduate in 6 months. So, I said something nasty about how I'm pursuing a degree while all my aunt is, is a person who rings up fries for a living. I should not have said that but, she hates her daughter and hates her more for being with a black man so, what's the difference in hating me too?

Then I started feeling bad about that and if that didn't make it all horrible, I found out I may not be financially cleared to move back into my dorm for next semester. My account online says two different things and the one guy who spoke to me from the Enrollment office was very rude and unhelpful.

Now, my boyfriend makes me so happy and he has a lot of faith in God. I am new to the Christianity thing and I've been having some trouble keeping my faith especially since all of this happened today. Then, I was feeling like a waste of space; like all I am to my parents is proof that they made a mistake and if only I didn't exist could they be done with each other once and for all. I was considering taking my life but, that's why I'm staying at my Abuela's place tonight. She doesn't even allow me to take my tweezer into my room because she caught me trying to slice some skin on my wrist with it a few weeks back. Plus, my boyfriend and I love each other very much and I could never leave him heartbroken like that. Plus, I'm my little cousin Ashlee's best grown up as she calls me. And, I couldn't leave her all on her own since she likes to text me about her school adventures (She's not really texting, her iPad can connect to my phone through her e-mail, it's still cute though)

Now, through some advice from my loving boyfriend, I have since read some Bible passages about keeping strong and Abuela has assured me that whatever is needed money-wise or not, she'll smooth my mom over about it and all. I am praying everything falls back into place and I am asking for prayers and good vibes. I hope you're all doing well and I'm sending positive prayers and good vibes to you all as well <3