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Gorgon Heap
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We worked on this so long ago that our correspondence was through AOL Instant Messenger. But, once ideas started coming to me again, I went back and finished it. Since Barry already included Oscar the Grouch in the closing number, and since it was set around the time Big Bird was on the show, I decided to build the episode around Oscar's visit to "The Muppet Show".
Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mel Brooks!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: MEL BROOKS
STYLE: MID-SEASON THREE (circa Danny Kaye, Leslie Uggams)
COLD OPENING: We hear intense drumming as Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: “Mel Brooks! 30 seconds to curtain, Mr. Brooks.”
(Reveal Mel sitting at a drum kit, playing with flourish.)
Mel: “Thank you, Scooter!”
(Mel finishes playing with an impressive riff. APPLAUSE.)
Scooter: “Wow! I didn’t know you could play the drums!”
Mel: “Oh sure, that’s how I got my start in show business. I thought I’d do a drum solo on the show tonight.”
Scooter: “Oh. We already have a drum soloist: Animal.”
Mel: “You just call him 'animal'? You didn't tell me Buddy Rich was here.”
Scooter: “No, that’s his name, and he doesn’t like competition.”
(Animal rushes in, shouting.)
Animal: “COM-PE-TI-TION! ARGH!”
(Animal attacks Mel, then exits panting.)
Scooter: “Are you all right?”
Mel: "I'm fine. Actually, it's a good thing.”
Scooter: “How?”
Mel: “After that, I'll never complain about an attack from the critics again!”
OPENING THEME:
S & W: They’re outside the stage door.
Statler: “Come on, we’ll be late!”
Waldorf: “What’s the hurry?”
(They look at each other and do a take to the camera.)
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: the Goat takes a bite out of Gonzo’s trumpet.
Gonzo: “Ah! Why did you –- because you’re a goat, right?”
Goat: “No, because I’m a music lover.”
(The Goat chuckles silently. Gonzo sighs.)
OPENING NUMBER: “Good Morning Starshine” - sung by alligators in the swamp
Waldorf: “Heh. Alligators in the opening number.”
Statler: “Hmm.”
(Waldorf looks at his program.)
Waldorf: “And look -- aviators in the next number.”
S: “Well, they certainly love their reptiles tonight.”
(Statler nods. Waldorf does a double take.)
BACKSTAGE: Bruno the Trashman enters from the stage door, carrying a trashcan.
Kermit: “What’s going on? Who are you?”
(Oscar the Grouch pops out.)
Oscar: “Is this The Muppet Show?”
(Alligators return from the stage.)
Oscar: “Oh, I can see it is. Looks like the head honcho’s gotten the whole swamp gang together again.”
(He spots Kermit.)
“And look! There’s Old Mosquito Breath now. Heh heh.”
Kermit: “Oh, good grief: it’s Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. Oscar, what in the world are you doing here?!”
Oscar: “Hey, keep your collar on, Slime Face! After all, you’re naked without it. If you’re going to start shouting at me as soon as I walk in the door, then I have one thing to say to you.”
Kermit: “What?”
Oscar: “You sure know how to make a grouch feel at home. Anyway, I’m here because these two old guys invited me here to see some real trash! Sounds like my kind of vacation! Heh heh heh.”
(Kermit grimaces.)
Kermit: “Fine. But no causing trouble, okay Oscar?”
Oscar (in mock astonishment): “Trouble? Moi? Would I, Oscar the Grouch, ever stoop to something as lowdown and rotten as to cause trouble?”
Kermit: “Yes you would!”
(Kermit exits in a huff. Zoom to close-up on Oscar.)
Oscar (to camera): “They know me too well.”
(Oscar chuckles.)
SONG: “High Anxiety” - Mel, clad in aviator gear, sings while taking Miss Piggy, who’s dressed all wrong for the occasion in evening wear with matching accessories, for a ride in an old biplane. Piggy’s hat blows away, her scarf blows up in her face before blowing away, and at the end, when Mel does a barrel roll, Piggy falls out of the plane.
Statler: “Is that a navigator?”
Waldorf: “No, no, that's an aviator. Navigators were in the opening number!”
(They laugh. The big alligator pops up, wearing an aviator hat with goggles on it.)
Alligator (singing): “Off we go, Into the wild blue yonder!”
(S & W exchange looks at each other and the camera.)
BACKSTAGE: Oscar laughs, watching the end of the number. He turns to Kermit.
Oscar: “You didn't tell me you had pigs here. That's terrific. I just love to watch pigs wallow in the mud and eat swill!”
(Kermit shakes his head. He goes to the intercom.)
Kermit: “Pigs in Space, on next.”
(He exits.)
Oscar: “All right, MORE pigs! I’d better get out my mud.”
(Oscar ducks inside his trashcan. Piggy enters, fuming.)
Piggy: “Kermit! Where is that frog?!”
(Oscar pops up.)
Oscar: “Hey there, Pig! I got some nice mud for ya to wallow in.”
(He throws some on her face.)
Piggy: “Why, you -- wallow in THIS, garbage breath! HI-YAH!”
(Oscar quickly ducks back into his trash can as Piggy winds up. She hits the can with a loud clang, and shakes. Oscar pops back up.)
Oscar: “Reinforced steel. Heh, heh, heh.”
PIGS IN SPACE: Link and Strangepork become affected by Giganta waves, which cause them to multiply in size. Hearing Piggy coming, they hide in order to surprise her. Piggy enters, still wiping the mud off her face, and sees the tops of their heads poking out from behind the chairs. They surface. Piggy screams. Link picks her up, laughing with Strangepork that, for once, she can’t hurt them, but he drops her and she starts karate chopping their ankles, causing them to fall over, where she karate chops their heads. They stagger to their feet. Repeat and fade out.
UK Spot: “Who’ll Stop the Rain?” - Electric Mayhem (plus Zeke from the jug-band on rhythm guitar) play on an outdoor stage, until it starts to pour.
BEAR ON PATROL: Mel plays the commissioner, who makes increasingly outlandish demands of Link and Fozzie: standing on their heads, clucking like chickens, hopping on one foot -- unless they can manage hopping on no feet – and always with some reason having to do with police training and readiness, which they readily accept. Finally, two Whatnot orderlies appear.
Orderly 1: “So, we finally caught up with you.”
Orderly 2: “Impersonating a police commissioner! Come on, we’re taking you back to the hospital.”
They throw a strait jacket on him, and drag him away. Link and Fozzie stand there in shock.
Fozzie: “Sergeant, did you see that?”
Link: “Yes. Those two men just kidnapped the commissioner! Patrol Bear, I want you to go after them.”
Fozzie: “But, sir!”
Link: “NOW, Patrol Bear!”
Fozzie: “All right! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! I’m going!”
(Fozzie exits.)
Link: “After all, who else will think up such swell training exercises?”
(Ending music tag.)
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo sees Oscar’s trash can.
Gonzo: “Hey Kermit, can have this swell trash can?”
(Oscar pops up.)
Oscar: “No, you CANNOT have it, Aardvark Nose! This is MY trash can, and I’m STAYIN’! Hmmph!”
(Oscar ducks back inside in a huff. Gonzo, startled, backs off.)
Gonzo: "All right! I’m sorry. I just thought it looked like a good place to keep my mold collection.”
(Oscar pops back up, excited.)
Oscar: “Mold collection?! Did you say ‘mold collection’?”
Gonzo: “Yeah.”
Oscar: “Well, what are we waiting for? Lead me to it! Hey, you know something? You’re all right, Banana Beak!”
Gonzo: “The name’s Gonzo: Gonzo the Great.”
Oscar: “Well, I’m Oscar: Oscar the Grouch! How ya doin’?”
Gonzo: “Always glad to meet a fellow fungus appreciator.”
Oscar: “Well hey, listen, I’m an aficionado! I’ve got quite a mold collection myself: mildew, fungus, you name it! Hey, maybe you’d be interested in doing a little swapping.”
Gonzo: “Terrific! My collection’s up in my dressing room. This way!”
(He exits.)
Oscar: “Hey, Bruno!”
(Bruno enters.)
Oscar: “Follow that little blue geek! We’ve got some mold to see. Heh, heh, heh.”
(Bruno picks up Oscar’s trash can, and they exit.)
Muppet Sports: Basketball Eating contest with Behemoth and Gorgon Heap. At the end, they chase Lewis to try and eat him.
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is finishing doing his monologue for Oscar.
Oscar: “Wow, that was really rotten!”
(Fozzie buries his face in his hand and walks away, unnoticed by Oscar.)
Oscar: “It was so bad, it was embarrassing... I loved it!”
(Oscar turns around.)
Oscar: “Hey, where'd he go? Ah, well. Hey, Bruno!”
(Bruno enters, and grabs the trash can.)
Oscar: “Let’s head out to the alley. I saw some real good-looking trash out there!”
(Kermit enters, and crosses to the intercom.)
Kermit: “Everyone on stage for the closing number!”
Oscar: “Closing number, eh? What’s that all about?”
Kermit: “Oh, well you see, Oscar, it’s a big New York City themed musical extravaganza. Matter of fact, you two would be perfect for it. How’d you like to be in the number?”
Oscar: “Oh, no. Not interested, Marsh Mouth. Bruno and I wouldn’t be caught dead in any wholesome musical number. Right, Bruno?”
Bruno: “Well actually, I’ve always wanted to be on the stage. I do some pretty fancy roller skating.”
Oscar: “But --”
Kermit: “Fantastic! I’ll see you both out there.”
(Kermit exits.)
Oscar: “Sigh. Bruno, Bruno, Bruno! You’ll never learn, will you?”
(They head to the stage.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “Give My Regards to Broadway” - sung by Mel Brooks, Kermit, Piggy and the Pigs (including Link & Annie Sue), Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, the Monsters (Boppity, Gloat, and Luncheon), the Chickens (including T.R. Rooster), and the Penguins, with background characters including show girls (including Janice), Mutations dancing in the background; Bobby Benson, Droop, Sexy Muppet in windows; Fleet Scribbler, Scooter, Afghan Hound, Mildred, the Newsman, and The Walrus as tourists; Thog as a balloon salesman; Oscar in his trashcan carried by Bruno - Roller SKATING!! Statler and Waldorf sing along from the balcony. At the end, Crazy Harry explodes the place.
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And so we’ve come down to the end of another one. And if we don’t make it on Broadway, at least we’ll make it here for another week. But not before we say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mel Brooks! YAY!”
(Mel enters playing the bongos).
Mel: “Thank you, Kermit!”
(Mel resumes playing, getting really into it.)
Kermit: “Uh, Mel! Mel, I thought I told you: no drums. I mean, Animal’s been a wreck tonight. I just saw him with a self-help book.”
Mel: “... Let me guess: a self-help book on rye bread with a side of chips.”
(Kermit chuckles.)
Kermit: “Anyway, it was a great show.”
Oscar (O.S.): “Yeah, and I have a big problem with that!”
Kermit: “Hoo boy.”
(Bruno carries Oscar in. He yells up at Statler & Waldorf.)
Oscar: “You call this trash?! I've seen better trash in the alley outside! I wasted a whole week's vacation to get here! You owe me restitution!”
Kermit: “How'd you like to take all the trash in the alley plus what the janitor collects tonight?”
Oscar: “You've got yourself a deal, Greenie.”
Kermit: “We’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Mel, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Scooter, Link, Beauregard, Oscar, Bruno, Fleet Scribbler, Afghan Hound, and a small alligator gather around. Beauregard, dustpan in one hand and hand broom in the other, sweeps garbage into Oscar’s trash can, to the latter’s delight.)
Waldorf: “Boo!”
Statler: “Hiss!”
Waldorf: “Awful!”
Statler: “Terrible!”
(Oscar pops up.)
Oscar: “Now, THAT’S entertainment.”
(Oscar chuckles. S & W do a take to the camera.)
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mel Brooks!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: MEL BROOKS
STYLE: MID-SEASON THREE (circa Danny Kaye, Leslie Uggams)
COLD OPENING: We hear intense drumming as Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: “Mel Brooks! 30 seconds to curtain, Mr. Brooks.”
(Reveal Mel sitting at a drum kit, playing with flourish.)
Mel: “Thank you, Scooter!”
(Mel finishes playing with an impressive riff. APPLAUSE.)
Scooter: “Wow! I didn’t know you could play the drums!”
Mel: “Oh sure, that’s how I got my start in show business. I thought I’d do a drum solo on the show tonight.”
Scooter: “Oh. We already have a drum soloist: Animal.”
Mel: “You just call him 'animal'? You didn't tell me Buddy Rich was here.”
Scooter: “No, that’s his name, and he doesn’t like competition.”
(Animal rushes in, shouting.)
Animal: “COM-PE-TI-TION! ARGH!”
(Animal attacks Mel, then exits panting.)
Scooter: “Are you all right?”
Mel: "I'm fine. Actually, it's a good thing.”
Scooter: “How?”
Mel: “After that, I'll never complain about an attack from the critics again!”
OPENING THEME:
S & W: They’re outside the stage door.
Statler: “Come on, we’ll be late!”
Waldorf: “What’s the hurry?”
(They look at each other and do a take to the camera.)
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: the Goat takes a bite out of Gonzo’s trumpet.
Gonzo: “Ah! Why did you –- because you’re a goat, right?”
Goat: “No, because I’m a music lover.”
(The Goat chuckles silently. Gonzo sighs.)
OPENING NUMBER: “Good Morning Starshine” - sung by alligators in the swamp
Waldorf: “Heh. Alligators in the opening number.”
Statler: “Hmm.”
(Waldorf looks at his program.)
Waldorf: “And look -- aviators in the next number.”
S: “Well, they certainly love their reptiles tonight.”
(Statler nods. Waldorf does a double take.)
BACKSTAGE: Bruno the Trashman enters from the stage door, carrying a trashcan.
Kermit: “What’s going on? Who are you?”
(Oscar the Grouch pops out.)
Oscar: “Is this The Muppet Show?”
(Alligators return from the stage.)
Oscar: “Oh, I can see it is. Looks like the head honcho’s gotten the whole swamp gang together again.”
(He spots Kermit.)
“And look! There’s Old Mosquito Breath now. Heh heh.”
Kermit: “Oh, good grief: it’s Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. Oscar, what in the world are you doing here?!”
Oscar: “Hey, keep your collar on, Slime Face! After all, you’re naked without it. If you’re going to start shouting at me as soon as I walk in the door, then I have one thing to say to you.”
Kermit: “What?”
Oscar: “You sure know how to make a grouch feel at home. Anyway, I’m here because these two old guys invited me here to see some real trash! Sounds like my kind of vacation! Heh heh heh.”
(Kermit grimaces.)
Kermit: “Fine. But no causing trouble, okay Oscar?”
Oscar (in mock astonishment): “Trouble? Moi? Would I, Oscar the Grouch, ever stoop to something as lowdown and rotten as to cause trouble?”
Kermit: “Yes you would!”
(Kermit exits in a huff. Zoom to close-up on Oscar.)
Oscar (to camera): “They know me too well.”
(Oscar chuckles.)
SONG: “High Anxiety” - Mel, clad in aviator gear, sings while taking Miss Piggy, who’s dressed all wrong for the occasion in evening wear with matching accessories, for a ride in an old biplane. Piggy’s hat blows away, her scarf blows up in her face before blowing away, and at the end, when Mel does a barrel roll, Piggy falls out of the plane.
Statler: “Is that a navigator?”
Waldorf: “No, no, that's an aviator. Navigators were in the opening number!”
(They laugh. The big alligator pops up, wearing an aviator hat with goggles on it.)
Alligator (singing): “Off we go, Into the wild blue yonder!”
(S & W exchange looks at each other and the camera.)
BACKSTAGE: Oscar laughs, watching the end of the number. He turns to Kermit.
Oscar: “You didn't tell me you had pigs here. That's terrific. I just love to watch pigs wallow in the mud and eat swill!”
(Kermit shakes his head. He goes to the intercom.)
Kermit: “Pigs in Space, on next.”
(He exits.)
Oscar: “All right, MORE pigs! I’d better get out my mud.”
(Oscar ducks inside his trashcan. Piggy enters, fuming.)
Piggy: “Kermit! Where is that frog?!”
(Oscar pops up.)
Oscar: “Hey there, Pig! I got some nice mud for ya to wallow in.”
(He throws some on her face.)
Piggy: “Why, you -- wallow in THIS, garbage breath! HI-YAH!”
(Oscar quickly ducks back into his trash can as Piggy winds up. She hits the can with a loud clang, and shakes. Oscar pops back up.)
Oscar: “Reinforced steel. Heh, heh, heh.”
PIGS IN SPACE: Link and Strangepork become affected by Giganta waves, which cause them to multiply in size. Hearing Piggy coming, they hide in order to surprise her. Piggy enters, still wiping the mud off her face, and sees the tops of their heads poking out from behind the chairs. They surface. Piggy screams. Link picks her up, laughing with Strangepork that, for once, she can’t hurt them, but he drops her and she starts karate chopping their ankles, causing them to fall over, where she karate chops their heads. They stagger to their feet. Repeat and fade out.
UK Spot: “Who’ll Stop the Rain?” - Electric Mayhem (plus Zeke from the jug-band on rhythm guitar) play on an outdoor stage, until it starts to pour.
BEAR ON PATROL: Mel plays the commissioner, who makes increasingly outlandish demands of Link and Fozzie: standing on their heads, clucking like chickens, hopping on one foot -- unless they can manage hopping on no feet – and always with some reason having to do with police training and readiness, which they readily accept. Finally, two Whatnot orderlies appear.
Orderly 1: “So, we finally caught up with you.”
Orderly 2: “Impersonating a police commissioner! Come on, we’re taking you back to the hospital.”
They throw a strait jacket on him, and drag him away. Link and Fozzie stand there in shock.
Fozzie: “Sergeant, did you see that?”
Link: “Yes. Those two men just kidnapped the commissioner! Patrol Bear, I want you to go after them.”
Fozzie: “But, sir!”
Link: “NOW, Patrol Bear!”
Fozzie: “All right! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! I’m going!”
(Fozzie exits.)
Link: “After all, who else will think up such swell training exercises?”
(Ending music tag.)
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo sees Oscar’s trash can.
Gonzo: “Hey Kermit, can have this swell trash can?”
(Oscar pops up.)
Oscar: “No, you CANNOT have it, Aardvark Nose! This is MY trash can, and I’m STAYIN’! Hmmph!”
(Oscar ducks back inside in a huff. Gonzo, startled, backs off.)
Gonzo: "All right! I’m sorry. I just thought it looked like a good place to keep my mold collection.”
(Oscar pops back up, excited.)
Oscar: “Mold collection?! Did you say ‘mold collection’?”
Gonzo: “Yeah.”
Oscar: “Well, what are we waiting for? Lead me to it! Hey, you know something? You’re all right, Banana Beak!”
Gonzo: “The name’s Gonzo: Gonzo the Great.”
Oscar: “Well, I’m Oscar: Oscar the Grouch! How ya doin’?”
Gonzo: “Always glad to meet a fellow fungus appreciator.”
Oscar: “Well hey, listen, I’m an aficionado! I’ve got quite a mold collection myself: mildew, fungus, you name it! Hey, maybe you’d be interested in doing a little swapping.”
Gonzo: “Terrific! My collection’s up in my dressing room. This way!”
(He exits.)
Oscar: “Hey, Bruno!”
(Bruno enters.)
Oscar: “Follow that little blue geek! We’ve got some mold to see. Heh, heh, heh.”
(Bruno picks up Oscar’s trash can, and they exit.)
Muppet Sports: Basketball Eating contest with Behemoth and Gorgon Heap. At the end, they chase Lewis to try and eat him.
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is finishing doing his monologue for Oscar.
Oscar: “Wow, that was really rotten!”
(Fozzie buries his face in his hand and walks away, unnoticed by Oscar.)
Oscar: “It was so bad, it was embarrassing... I loved it!”
(Oscar turns around.)
Oscar: “Hey, where'd he go? Ah, well. Hey, Bruno!”
(Bruno enters, and grabs the trash can.)
Oscar: “Let’s head out to the alley. I saw some real good-looking trash out there!”
(Kermit enters, and crosses to the intercom.)
Kermit: “Everyone on stage for the closing number!”
Oscar: “Closing number, eh? What’s that all about?”
Kermit: “Oh, well you see, Oscar, it’s a big New York City themed musical extravaganza. Matter of fact, you two would be perfect for it. How’d you like to be in the number?”
Oscar: “Oh, no. Not interested, Marsh Mouth. Bruno and I wouldn’t be caught dead in any wholesome musical number. Right, Bruno?”
Bruno: “Well actually, I’ve always wanted to be on the stage. I do some pretty fancy roller skating.”
Oscar: “But --”
Kermit: “Fantastic! I’ll see you both out there.”
(Kermit exits.)
Oscar: “Sigh. Bruno, Bruno, Bruno! You’ll never learn, will you?”
(They head to the stage.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “Give My Regards to Broadway” - sung by Mel Brooks, Kermit, Piggy and the Pigs (including Link & Annie Sue), Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, the Monsters (Boppity, Gloat, and Luncheon), the Chickens (including T.R. Rooster), and the Penguins, with background characters including show girls (including Janice), Mutations dancing in the background; Bobby Benson, Droop, Sexy Muppet in windows; Fleet Scribbler, Scooter, Afghan Hound, Mildred, the Newsman, and The Walrus as tourists; Thog as a balloon salesman; Oscar in his trashcan carried by Bruno - Roller SKATING!! Statler and Waldorf sing along from the balcony. At the end, Crazy Harry explodes the place.
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And so we’ve come down to the end of another one. And if we don’t make it on Broadway, at least we’ll make it here for another week. But not before we say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mel Brooks! YAY!”
(Mel enters playing the bongos).
Mel: “Thank you, Kermit!”
(Mel resumes playing, getting really into it.)
Kermit: “Uh, Mel! Mel, I thought I told you: no drums. I mean, Animal’s been a wreck tonight. I just saw him with a self-help book.”
Mel: “... Let me guess: a self-help book on rye bread with a side of chips.”
(Kermit chuckles.)
Kermit: “Anyway, it was a great show.”
Oscar (O.S.): “Yeah, and I have a big problem with that!”
Kermit: “Hoo boy.”
(Bruno carries Oscar in. He yells up at Statler & Waldorf.)
Oscar: “You call this trash?! I've seen better trash in the alley outside! I wasted a whole week's vacation to get here! You owe me restitution!”
Kermit: “How'd you like to take all the trash in the alley plus what the janitor collects tonight?”
Oscar: “You've got yourself a deal, Greenie.”
Kermit: “We’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Mel, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Scooter, Link, Beauregard, Oscar, Bruno, Fleet Scribbler, Afghan Hound, and a small alligator gather around. Beauregard, dustpan in one hand and hand broom in the other, sweeps garbage into Oscar’s trash can, to the latter’s delight.)
Waldorf: “Boo!”
Statler: “Hiss!”
Waldorf: “Awful!”
Statler: “Terrible!”
(Oscar pops up.)
Oscar: “Now, THAT’S entertainment.”
(Oscar chuckles. S & W do a take to the camera.)
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
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