Challenges, Triumphs and Pixie Dust!

[CensoredAlso]

Did you see my list of values? I was very much at this same place a few years ago. Went on "a three week sabbatical" to take my life apart and put it back together. I've done a bit of that several times since. I'm not sure if any of these will help you in any way, but they helped me. They're impossible to do, but so is living by religious principles too. It's the goal, even though we'll never meet the mark. And those strides help a great deal. Just sharing what works for me. You know me well enough to know how many of these I fail at daily in one way or another. Still, I've begun to read these daily again and they help. Feel free to ignore them if they don't seem to help.

SKILLS FOR AUTHENTIC GROWTH & THE PATH TO HAPPINESS
Lifted and Paraphrased from The Velvet Rage Second Edition.
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SKILL: LIFE CHOICES.
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THE PERSON I WOULD BECOME: Make decisions based on what the person you wish to become would do in the same situation..
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INNER PEACE ABOVE ALL ELSE: Ultimately, the goal in life is inner peace. How does this choice contribute to your inner peace?.
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NEVER REACT WHILE FEELING AN INTENSE EMOTION: Delay making a decision or reacting while feeling an intense emotion. Distract yourself until the feeling subsides, then decide what decision or action should be taken..
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CONTENTMENT OVER APPROVAL: Populate your life with investments of time and emotion that increase your contentment rather than eliciting acceptance and approval of others..
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SKILL: INCREASING POSITIVE EMOTIONS.
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ACCEPT REALITY ON REALITY’S TERMS: Seek to see reality as it is rather than as you wish it to be..
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ONE THING, ONE PERSON, ONE CONVERSATION IN THE MOMENT: Give your full attention and focus to that which is before you in this moment..
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TAKE A NON-JUDGMENTAL STANCE WHENEVER POSSIBLE: Limit the urge to classify everything in life somewhere between good and bad. “It is what it is.”.
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OBSESSING ABOUT PAIN CREATES MORE PAIN: The continuous recitation of painful feelings, stories and memories brings only temporary relief and, in the long term, increases your pain..
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WALK YOUR WAY OUT OF DISTRESS: When feeling particularly distressing emotions, the only way to decrease pain is to force yourself to act contrary to the emotion..
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RESPECT YOUR BODY: Care for your body as a precious possession..
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NO FEELING LASTS FOREVER: Emotions are only temporary and all will eventually pass..
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SKILL: RELATIONSHIPS.
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DON’T LET YOUR PHYSICAL ATTRACTION BE THE FILTER BY WHICH YOU ALLOW PEOPLE INTO YOUR LIFE: Approach and cultivate relationships with people who are authentic and validating rather than just those who are cute..
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BE RIGHT OR BE HAPPY: Relinquish the urge to always be “right,” and instead attend to the needs of your relationships..
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ALWAYS LOOK FIRST FOR THE INNOCENCE OF OTHERS: No matter how difficult another person may be, he is doing in that moment the best he can do..
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IN CONFLICT, ALWAYS ASSESS YOUR REPSONSIBILITY FIRST: Resist the urge to blame another for a conflict, and instead first assess and own your responsibility..
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KEEP YOUR INNER CIRCLE SACRED AND SAFE: Carefully guard and assess those individuals you allow into your inner circle of intimacy. Their influence is monumental..
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VALIDATE WHAT IS VALID (AND NEVER THE INVALID): Seek to find the truth in another person’s experience and reflect that back to him or her..
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OWN YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET: Own your feelings. No one else is responsible for how you feel..
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SPEAK TO THE OFFENDER FIRST (INSTEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE): In a conflict, seek to speak to the offender before discussing the conflict with others..
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LIVE IN INTEGRITY: In all interactions with others, be compassionately and deliberately honest..
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DEFAULT TO FORGIVENESS RATHER THAN RESENTMENT: When disappointed or offended by others, allow the other person to hold a different point of view rather than closing your heart to him or her..
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EMBRACE AMBIVALENCE: Seek out and embrace the omnipresent competing feelings about all things in life. This is a hard one to wrap the brain around, but we don't have to have 100% feelings about anything. In fact, it exposes the humanity in us not to.

I think all of those are great values. It's sort of Vulcan philosophy for humans, learning to harness emotions so they don't control you.

 

[jvcarroll]

I think all of those are great values. It's sort of Vulcan philosophy for humans, learning to harness emotions so they don't control you.

It kind of is just that. The book it came from was about the post (most) civil rights of the LGBTQ movement. The residual angst people like me have about the life we never thought we'd never be allowed to have. It was also about how fabulously so many people seem to live on the outside and the emptiness and lies on the inside. The thing is, straight or gay, we all think everybody else has things all together when nobody really does. Life is an ongoing project for everybody no matter what they've achieved or what we think they have. That's a good thing to remember. Sometimes when we think we want a particular thing and can't see ever getting it, we have to change things up and look for things we can have that we want. Some of those might lead us to where we want to be down the line. It was a good book. Read it twice.

 

[dwayne1115]

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[CensoredAlso]

The thing is, straight or gay, we all think everybody else has things all together when nobody really does. Life is an ongoing project for everybody no matter what they've achieved or what we think they have. That's a good thing to remember. Sometimes when we think we want a particular thing and can't see ever getting it, we have to change things up and look for things we can have that we want. Some of those might lead us to where we want to be down the line.

Well that's the kind of thing I still wrestle with. I hear people talk about "making peace" with the idea that you might always be single. I feel like they're not being honest, especially for women. I can't see myself making peace with becoming the 50 year old cat lady (except with a dog) survived by no one when I die (sorry to get morbid). I have no siblings, so my obit's pretty much going to read, "Survived by relatives she didn't get to see much." There's no dignity in that. I saw an obit like that recently and it terrified me, it just looked so pathetic. Our society is built on achieving certain goals and there's no reward for failure (again, especially for women). Yeah, feminists try to tear down those societal norms, but that doesn't make me feel any better. In a way, that's like being a sore loser, "Oh if I can't be married, let's make marriage unimportant for everyone!" I personally enjoyed having a guy around to tell me I was attractive. Now I feel like it probably didn't count since he's such a weirdo. Again, people tell me I don't need a guy to tell me that, I can tell myself I'm attractive. But what the heck is the point of that? Again, let's be honest, that isn't what anyone hopes for. They hope to share themselves with another person. And there's just no way to make that better if it doesn't happen. At least not for me. I see all the mean girls from my childhood on Facebook with their husbands and/or children. They don't even remotely deserve to be happy, yet they got it. And yes, I get that they have problems themselves, but they still have a comfort I may never have. And their problems don't make my problems any less real.

:: I'm sorry. I was feeling better yesterday, but now it's all crashing in again. I mean, people are telling me I just need to work harder at it (the same way I had to go through a lot of lousy jobs to finally find a good one), but I'm just so nervous that none of it is going to matter.

 

[jvcarroll]

Well that's the kind of thing I still wrestle with. I hear people talk about "making peace" with the idea that you might always be single. I feel like they're not being honest, especially for women. I can't see myself making peace with becoming the 50 year old cat lady (except with a dog) survived by no one when I die (sorry to get morbid). I have no siblings, so my obit's pretty much going to read, "Survived by relatives she didn't get to see much." There's no dignity in that. I saw an obit like that recently and it terrified me, it just looked so pathetic. Our society is built on achieving certain goals and there's no reward for failure (again, especially for women). Yeah, feminists try to tear down those societal norms, but that doesn't make me feel any better. In a way, that's like being a sore loser, "Oh if I can't be married, let's make marriage unimportant for everyone!" I personally enjoyed having a guy around to tell me I was attractive. Now I feel like it probably didn't count since he's such a weirdo. Again, people tell me I don't need a guy to tell me that, I can tell myself I'm attractive. But what the heck is the point of that? Again, let's be honest, that isn't what anyone hopes for. They hope to share themselves with another person. And there's just no way to make that better if it doesn't happen. At least not for me. I see all the mean girls from my childhood on Facebook with their husbands and/or children. They don't even remotely deserve to be happy, yet they got it. And yes, I get that they have problems themselves, but they still have a comfort I may never have. And their problems don't make my problems any less real.

:: I'm sorry. I was feeling better yesterday, but now it's all crashing in again. I mean, people are telling me I just need to work harder at it (the same way I had to go through a lot of lousy jobs to finally find a good one), but I'm just so nervous that none of it is going to matter.

All of this seems to be fear of dying when the focus is best placed on living each day the best it can be lived, single or partnered off. We have no control of the past. We are not promised one second beyond now. All we have is right now and that's all we can really worry about. It's easily said, but it's still true.

 

[CensoredAlso]

All of this seems to be fear of dying when the focus is best placed on living each day the best it can be lived, single or partnered off.

No, it's fear of being alone. It's fear of feeling like unattractive crap day in and day out. I don't think I can live the best I can be, single for the rest of my life. Maybe other people can, that's fine. It's not something I can reconcile. This was a major blow this week and I don't know where to go next. These past couple years were utterly miserable and I stupidly thought things were finally getting better. Making peace with how much my life sucks isn't going to happen.

There's really nothing anyone can say.

 

[jvcarroll]

No, it's fear of being alone. It's fear of feeling like unattractive crap day in and day out. I don't think I can live the best I can be, single for the rest of my life. Maybe other people can, that's fine. It's not something I can reconcile. This was a major blow this week and I don't know where to go next. These past couple years were utterly miserable and I stupidly thought things were finally getting better. Making peace with how much my life sucks isn't going to happen.

There's really nothing anyone can say.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's tough. I haven't seriously dated in nearly a decade because I lend my heart out too easily to those who abuse it terribly. I figuring all of that out myself, but have grown way too comfortable being alone. I guess it's easier for bachelors.

 

[CensoredAlso]

I guess it's easier for bachelors.

Bingo.

 

[jvcarroll]

Bingo.

I think a lot of that is societal. There's a pressure put on women about so many things, but little put on men in certain areas.

 

[CensoredAlso]

I think a lot of that is societal. There's a pressure put on women about so many things, but little put on men in certain areas.

Right that's what I said. And like I said, breaking down those societal norms isn't going to help anything. It is what it is, and what it is sucks.