Challenges, Triumphs and Pixie Dust!

[CensoredAlso]

That's rough. My advice is to do the hard thing - to put yourself out there socially and just meet people, all sorts of people, without thinking about relationships.

Heh, advice I've been getting my whole life, believe me. And yup, I've done plenty of classes and meetups. Always have that same feeling of not quite being on the same planet as everyone else. But thanks.

Wish I wasn't at work right now so I could scream and smash things....I should have just taken the day off, but not sure where I would go. No matter where I'd go, I'd have to tolerate myself.

 

[Old Thunder]

You may not be on the same planet as everyone else, but I still say you'd be one of the best candidates for first female president of the United States.

 

[LittleJerry92]

Agreed.

 

[jvcarroll]

Heh, advice I've been getting my whole life, believe me. And yup, I've done plenty of classes and meetups. Always have that same feeling of not quite being on the same planet as everyone else. But thanks.

Wish I wasn't at work right now so I could scream and smash things....I should have just taken the day off, but not sure where I would go. No matter where I'd go, I'd have to tolerate myself.

Aw, yup. I always have that feeling too, but have mostly found my way through it. Wish I could be of more help. One thing I know for sure is that, if you were here, we'd go out for some wine and capellini and compare horror stories until we felt better about it. The catch about all of this is that we have to have the openness and willingness at the same time that someone else does. That can be a very brief window.

 

[CensoredAlso]

Aw, yup. I always have that feeling too, but have mostly found my way through it. Wish I could be of more help. One thing I know for sure is that, if you were here, we'd go out for some wine and capellini and compare horror stories until we felt better about it. The catch about all of this is that we have to have the openness and willingness at the same time that someone else does. That can be a very brief window.

I don't want to come off as too much of a pity party, I do have friends, I shouldn't take them for granted. I just really feel hurt right now. I mean there's nothing wrong with thinking of the long term, it's not like I don't do that, it's not like I don't have doubts. It's just all I could hear in that moment was, "This may not work out, and it's because of you." I know that's not exactly what he said, but so often it's the perception that matters. I saw this guy as a hope and it feels like that was all thrown back in my face. Then he tried reassuring me we'd still be friends if we broke up, which made it even worse. I have NO INTENTION of being friends in such a case, especially if he's counting on it to ease his conscience. Then he kept telling me he'd worded it all completely wrong (not unusual for him) and he wasn't trying to break up. He just wanted to know if we had the same expectations, and he didn't want to "over promise." And we did plan the next get together which is a good sign. Still, I can't help but feel like I've been given notice to prepare for the worst. What's annoying is he flirted with me in the first place, I didn't start it. Now you've decided I'm not enough like you? Well, screw you...But then again, it's hard to feel self righteous when you mostly feel like a loser, as per usual.

That's a great offer, I appreciate that. Eh, openness isn't a problem, it's just my emotions get carried away very quickly and it might be embarrassing in public, lol.

 

[jvcarroll]

I don't want to come off as too much of a pity party, I do have friends, I shouldn't take them for granted. I just really feel hurt right now. I mean there's nothing wrong with thinking of the long term, it's not like I don't do that, it's not like I don't have doubts. It's just all I could hear in that moment was, "This may not work out, and it's because of you." I know that's not exactly what he said, but so often it's the perception that matters. I saw this guy as a hope and it feels like that was all thrown back in my face. Then he tried reassuring me we'd still be friends if we broke up, which made it even worse. I have NO INTENTION of being friends in such a case, especially if he's counting on it to ease his conscience. Then he kept telling me he'd worded it all completely wrong (not unusual for him) and he wasn't trying to break up. He just wanted to know if we had the same expectations, and he didn't want to "over promise." And we did plan the next get together which is a good sign. Still, I can't help but feel like I've been given notice to prepare for the worst. What's annoying is he flirted with me in the first place, I didn't start it. Now you've decided I'm not enough like you? Well, screw you...But then again, it's hard to feel self righteous when you mostly feel like a loser, as per usual.

That's a great offer, I appreciate that. Eh, openness isn't a problem, it's just my emotions get carried away very quickly and it might be embarrassing in public, lol.

I get all that. Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. As far as being embarrassed in public - if there's a chance that you could do something that would make you happy that other people might judge you for, do it anyway. In time, they'll be gone and, whether it worked or not, you'll still have that bravery. That's what counts. The more I've used that in my own life, the easier it is. But it's never all-out easy. It sounds like, right now, you need to take some time to heal and regroup. Pull those you love closer and find a way to have some fun with them. The love of friends is very powerful too.

 

[CensoredAlso]

I get all that. Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. As far as being embarrassed in public - if there's a chance that you could do something that would make you happy that other people might judge you for, do it anyway. In time, they'll be gone and, whether it worked or not, you'll still have that bravery. That's what counts. The more I've used that in my own life, the easier it is. But it's never all-out easy. It sounds like, right now, you need to take some time to heal and regroup. Pull those you love closer and find a way to have some fun with them. The love of friends is very powerful too.

I mean, there's no healing. Because there's never been anything but hurting. When I say embarrassing, I just meant I'd end up crying. I hate and despise where I am in life. I pretty much always have, like we're talking Pre-K, and now it's just gotten worse. Or things never really did get better and I stupidly fell for false hope. I don't care how strong I am, it's not the life I wanted. On top of everything else, I look like crap. My dog is getting older and I don't know what I'll do when he's gone. Sucks does not even begin to describe me.

Plus a lot of my friends are also his friends. So yeah. Sucks.

Thank you for talking. There's really nothing anyone can say.

This is kinda where I have trouble with the atheist thing. Am I supposed to be thrilled to death that it turns out no one is looking out for me?

 

[jvcarroll]

I mean, there's no healing. Because there's never been anything but hurting. When I say embarrassing, I just meant I'd end up crying. I hate and despise where I am in life. I pretty much always have, like we're talking Pre-K, and now it's just gotten worse. Or things never really did get better and I stupidly fell for false hope. I don't care how strong I am, it's not the life I wanted. On top of everything else, I look like crap. My dog is getting older and I don't know what I'll do when he's gone. Sucks does not even begin to describe me.

Plus a lot of my friends are also his friends. So yeah. Sucks.

Thank you for talking. There's really nothing anyone can say.

This is kinda where I have trouble with the atheist thing. Am I supposed to be thrilled to death that it turns out no one is looking out for me?

Did you see my list of values? I was very much at this same place a few years ago. Went on "a three week sabbatical" to take my life apart and put it back together. I've done a bit of that several times since. I'm not sure if any of these will help you in any way, but they helped me. They're impossible to do, but so is living by religious principles too. It's the goal, even though we'll never meet the mark. And those strides help a great deal. Just sharing what works for me. You know me well enough to know how many of these I fail at daily in one way or another. Still, I've begun to read these daily again and they help. Feel free to ignore them if they don't seem to help.

SKILLS FOR AUTHENTIC GROWTH & THE PATH TO HAPPINESS
Lifted and Paraphrased from The Velvet Rage Second Edition.
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SKILL: LIFE CHOICES.
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THE PERSON I WOULD BECOME: Make decisions based on what the person you wish to become would do in the same situation..
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INNER PEACE ABOVE ALL ELSE: Ultimately, the goal in life is inner peace. How does this choice contribute to your inner peace?.
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NEVER REACT WHILE FEELING AN INTENSE EMOTION: Delay making a decision or reacting while feeling an intense emotion. Distract yourself until the feeling subsides, then decide what decision or action should be taken..
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CONTENTMENT OVER APPROVAL: Populate your life with investments of time and emotion that increase your contentment rather than eliciting acceptance and approval of others..
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SKILL: INCREASING POSITIVE EMOTIONS.
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ACCEPT REALITY ON REALITY’S TERMS: Seek to see reality as it is rather than as you wish it to be..
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ONE THING, ONE PERSON, ONE CONVERSATION IN THE MOMENT: Give your full attention and focus to that which is before you in this moment..
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TAKE A NON-JUDGMENTAL STANCE WHENEVER POSSIBLE: Limit the urge to classify everything in life somewhere between good and bad. “It is what it is.”.
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OBSESSING ABOUT PAIN CREATES MORE PAIN: The continuous recitation of painful feelings, stories and memories brings only temporary relief and, in the long term, increases your pain..
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WALK YOUR WAY OUT OF DISTRESS: When feeling particularly distressing emotions, the only way to decrease pain is to force yourself to act contrary to the emotion..
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RESPECT YOUR BODY: Care for your body as a precious possession..
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NO FEELING LASTS FOREVER: Emotions are only temporary and all will eventually pass..
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SKILL: RELATIONSHIPS.
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DON’T LET YOUR PHYSICAL ATTRACTION BE THE FILTER BY WHICH YOU ALLOW PEOPLE INTO YOUR LIFE: Approach and cultivate relationships with people who are authentic and validating rather than just those who are cute..
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BE RIGHT OR BE HAPPY: Relinquish the urge to always be “right,” and instead attend to the needs of your relationships..
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ALWAYS LOOK FIRST FOR THE INNOCENCE OF OTHERS: No matter how difficult another person may be, he is doing in that moment the best he can do..
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IN CONFLICT, ALWAYS ASSESS YOUR REPSONSIBILITY FIRST: Resist the urge to blame another for a conflict, and instead first assess and own your responsibility..
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KEEP YOUR INNER CIRCLE SACRED AND SAFE: Carefully guard and assess those individuals you allow into your inner circle of intimacy. Their influence is monumental..
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VALIDATE WHAT IS VALID (AND NEVER THE INVALID): Seek to find the truth in another person’s experience and reflect that back to him or her..
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OWN YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET: Own your feelings. No one else is responsible for how you feel..
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SPEAK TO THE OFFENDER FIRST (INSTEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE): In a conflict, seek to speak to the offender before discussing the conflict with others..
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LIVE IN INTEGRITY: In all interactions with others, be compassionately and deliberately honest..
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DEFAULT TO FORGIVENESS RATHER THAN RESENTMENT: When disappointed or offended by others, allow the other person to hold a different point of view rather than closing your heart to him or her..
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EMBRACE AMBIVALENCE: Seek out and embrace the omnipresent competing feelings about all things in life. This is a hard one to wrap the brain around, but we don't have to have 100% feelings about anything. In fact, it exposes the humanity in us not to.

 

[dwayne1115]

Whoa boy, I was really hoping I’d never have to go to this dark place again...

This guy I’ve been seeing told me last night that while he’s really enjoying our relationship in the short term, he’s uncertain as yet about the long term, due to our very different personalities. He says he’s not breaking up with me, he still wants to enjoy what we have for now, but it was still pretty chilling to hear. I’ll be honest, if this doesn’t work out, I don’t see too many other options for me; I’m no social butterfly and trying by artificial means (dating sites, speed dating) has failed embarrassingly all around. I was hoping I wouldn’t find myself in this situation at my age, but then again, I’m not sure why I expected anything else. I already have never liked my personality, frankly it’s always been a challenge just getting through a day with myself. Heck, a minute. People are nice enough to me in a “let’s be nice for a minute to the awkward, sweet girl who talks too much about Star Trek” kind of way. And I’ve already had to break up with a guy I loved very much. Yes, he wasn’t good for me, but at least he wanted me around. At least we did have a lot in common. Everyone said I should be happy he’s gone, but I’ve never felt so miserable in my life. This new relationship was unexpected and had finally brought some light back, and now if my personality becomes a direct reason for ruining this, I don’t know what I’m going to do...

You can not help being who you are. You should be happy with who you are regardless of what someone else thinks. If you want a long term relationship with someone but they are not then you two are going to end up hating each in the end. Because nether one of you will be ablebto give what the other one wants. Sure breaking up now would hurt, but think about how much more it would hurt if you start trying to change yourself or him to fit what you want.
I know what it's like to constantly beat yourself up, and also be shy, but I have faith that if there is someone that wants to be with you they will find you and love you for who you are, and not what your not or what they think you can become

 

[CensoredAlso]

You can not help being who you are. You should be happy with who you are regardless of what someone else thinks. If you want a long term relationship with someone but they are not then you two are going to end up hating each in the end. Because nether one of you will be ablebto give what the other one wants. Sure breaking up now would hurt, but think about how much more it would hurt if you start trying to change yourself or him to fit what you want.
I know what it's like to constantly beat yourself up, and also be shy, but I have faith that if there is someone that wants to be with you they will find you and love you for who you are, and not what your not or what they think you can become

Thank you, I truly appreciate that. I feel a little less hysterical now, just wish I knew for sure what was going on. I just hate the way he handled this, especially how it just came out of nowhere when I had been looking forward to talking to him for a week. If it's not meant to be, part of me will probably be relieved to know for sure. I've certainly had my own doubts, I just don't like being blind sided. The other part of me is just not confident that I can attract someone again. Or least someone without severe psychological problems.