Commercial rant time...

Drtooth

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There are two commercials they run way too much that really send me to fetching the remote or shouting at the screen.

One of them is that terrible advertisement for University of Phoenix or something where this tone deaf woman moans out a horrid parody/cover of "If I only Had a Brain." I understand what they're going for, trying to make it inspirational, though very emotionally manipulative and about getting a second chance and everything. Visually it's not terrible, but just... it's bad enough that there's some idiotic perception that moaning emotionally is somehow more powerful than actually singing, and when the woman singing this actually hits a note she does have a decent voice. Like she could actually belt out something in she wanted to. But she sounds like Raven from Teen Titans Go (where Tara is intentionally trying to make her sound monotone) with constipation (which now that I think of it, I'm surprised isn't an episode). And if that wasn't bad enough she speaks any line with the words "have a brain" (as in "I also have a brain" or "still don't think I got a brain") in a tone I could only describe as a very condescendingly passive aggressive robot sloth muttering under its breath. Almost like it's saying "ttchhh... you're such a moron and you don't respect me for calling you a moron."

Seriously. STOP moaning songs and pretending it's supposed to be powerful.

Secondly, I really hate Toyota's new Prius campaign. I can respect they're trying to make it like a continuing saga of short serialized films. It's not something you see too much in adult's advertising since that sort of thing is used mostly for Goldfish or breakfast foods. I guess you could say the KFC's "imposter Colonel" ads have some sort of narrative to them. I should like that a car commercial is playing out like a continuing story about these characters...but...

First off, one of the commercials starts with a news report about how these bank robbers stole a Prius and somehow evaded cops I can only say come from the Chief Wiggum and Inspector Zenigata school for Incompetent Cops. Which sounds like a good enough premise. But the news reporter gives the first headbanger moment, he says "Folks, you can't make this stuff up." But you DID! It's a commercial! it's fiction! You can make up fiction we know it's fiction...is there something the complete opposite of breaking the fourth wall? Like Building a secondary fourth wall or insulating the fourth wall? Something that's so incredibly defensive of the fact it's their world's fictious reality that it actually takes you out of disbelief? Seems like a very idiotic writing move.

But what makes the commercial absolutely terrible is that first of all, these are freaking criminals that robbed a freaking bank and stole a freaking car! No. I can totally get behind a "route for the villainous protagonist" thing. Heck, I love Lupin II. That's about a master thief that's charming and flawed a character on the run from a bumbling goofus of a cop that has it in for him. But this... the guys aren't even likable. They have no personalities beyond scraggly crooks with slight hints of dudebro, so you can't sympathize with them as an audience. They didn't pull a Robin Hood and rob some corrupt jerk that deserved it so you could say "at least they're anti-heros." No. The part that the audience and in universe characters are supposed to resonate with is they stole a Prius. And it was established they stole it out of convenience (or contrivance), not that they particularly like the darn thing. Heck, they're reluctant to in the one scene where they actually do something.

So what happens in future installments is that these crooks, only because they stole a sort of eco-friendly car, are trending and become these beloved celebrities culminating to the idiotic climax where over a dozen fans with the exact same make and model Prius decide to aide and abed the freaking crooks by causing a distraction, shuffling them up until the crooks escape.

[Headdesk]

Okay. Explain to me why a bunch of unlikable crooks that probably waved a gun in someone's face that stole other people's money and hotwired a freakin' Yuppie car (can't remember if they stole it from a dealership or it was someone's) become beloved celebrities just for the fact they reluctantly stole a freakin' Yuppie car because Yuppie Car. You can't. It's a freaking stupid commercial that, yeah, had this been the plot of a movie and the characters were fleshed out and were at least sympathetic...sure, I could see that. I could get behind it. But as a story, it's contrivance that doesn't make sense after contrivance that doesn't make sense.
 

D'Snowth

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This isn't so much a rant, however, I see that Geico is now going back and redubbing older Gecko commercials with their new voice actor. Boy, they really screwed the previous guy (I want to say his name is Jake something, but I wouldn't swear to it) over for refusing to take a pay cut.
 

Drtooth

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Anyone else getting sick of those "change the paradigm" commercials where some obnoxious guy talks over the entire commercial about (how do I put this) how words are meaningless unless it's in the case of their own product?

You probably don't get what I'm talking about so I'll try to explain 3 examples.

Those E-surance ads voiced by Jim from The Office that replaced the Erin E-surance ads when the company apparently discovered Rule 34. Which, first of all...pffft... get upset when you find the furry, immobile fat version of the character getting her feet tickled, which I'm now more surprised if it doesn't exist. But the actual ads themselves with "aren't we sick of the word savings? Savings here, savings there. We're getting savings whiplash." These were the commercials that ushered in this obnoxious fad. So I'll move on to example number 2 that honks me off, a car commercial.

No surprise it's a car commercial. I'm really starting to hate these things again. They've always been of the "think for yourself and drive the car we're telling you to buy that everyone else will buy because you're all individuals" school of advertising. But there's this one where they want you to get all upset about the word "new" being overused. And then talking to the word "new" like it's a person and not a relative concept. As in (paraphrasing) "New. What happened to you?" and then blathering on about how overused the word new is while showing "we didn't want to have to pay for any real examples" examples to hammer the point home. And then it ends with a "instead of 'new' how about the word different?" as if that word wasn't also overused until it was devoid of meaning.

And example three. There's some hummus commercial that now thinks it's free thinking to come up with a new meal of the day and give it whatever wacky name they can give it just as long as the thing you eat is hummus.

Ahem... Dude?

IT'S CALLED SNACKING!!!!! Snacking's a thing in between meals! You're not reinventing human experience! Stop prattling on about it like eating hummus in the middle of the day is a revolutionary new concept that will blow our freaking minds and have humanity come out of the dark ages of having the same 3 times a day when its acceptable to eat.

Seriously. Why are these a thing?!
 

D'Snowth

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Progressive does it again, and this time they aren't even being original!

I mean, seriously, if you want to see funny Kool-Aid parody commercials from years past, look no further than this:
 

mr3urious

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They don't even deliver the "Oh yeah!" line right. In the words of Tourette's Guy:

"I COULD S*** A BETTER KOOL-AID COMMERCIAL!"
 

D'Snowth

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It sounds less like the Kool-Aid Man, and more like an egotistical heavyweight wrestling champ making his big entrance into the arena.
 

scooterfan360

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Progressive does it again, and this time they aren't even being original!

I mean, seriously, if you want to see funny Kool-Aid parody commercials from years past, look no further than this:
the kool aid man jokes are getting old, they been done too many times.
 

Drtooth

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They don't even deliver the "Oh yeah!" line right. In the words of Tourette's Guy:

"I COULD S*** A BETTER KOOL-AID COMMERCIAL!"
That's the official new voice for Kool-Aid-Man, actually. Apparently, "OH, YEAH!" is the only thing he knows how to say now.

 

Drtooth

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On the subject of Progressive ads, they made another in their worst series of ads. The one with Flo's family being absolutely horrible people and Flo being the unfavorite, even though she's the only one who isn't a trainwreck. I really hate these. They're disgustingly depressing. Her siblings are clearly losers, her mother is trying her best to keep the peace, the father's a jerk, the grandfather's a bigger jerk, and they all jump on Flo when they have a chance.

Listen...I actually like Teen Titans Go and Family Guy. I can take dark sociopath comedy as much as anyone can. But these are just awful. On the other hand, sure, it gives the actually talented actress a chance to Eddie Murphy the heck out of these commercials. Only the Klumps weren't detestable and dysfunctional, and (all things considered) not completely uncomfortable to watch.
 

scooterfan360

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On the subject of Progressive ads, they made another in their worst series of ads. The one with Flo's family being absolutely horrible people and Flo being the unfavorite, even though she's the only one who isn't a trainwreck. I really hate these. They're disgustingly depressing. Her siblings are clearly losers, her mother is trying her best to keep the peace, the father's a jerk, the grandfather's a bigger jerk, and they all jump on Flo when they have a chance.

Listen...I actually like Teen Titans Go and Family Guy. I can take dark sociopath comedy as much as anyone can. But these are just awful. On the other hand, sure, it gives the actually talented actress a chance to Eddie Murphy the heck out of these commercials. Only the Klumps weren't detestable and dysfunctional, and (all things considered) not completely uncomfortable to watch.
ahhh! I hate that progressive ad too, I agree with you, that family is a total disgrace. and I really hate that Dorito's commercial, the one where the husband is eating Dorito's, while the wife is having an ultrasound. it makes all women seem like controlling annoying nags, and makes all men seem like morons.
 
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