Oh, I forgot another one:
"There's a growing problem with American children today... they're too fat! My God, they're SO fat! Half their entire bodies hang over the edge of their desk chairs, they take up entire seats on the buses, the tiles on the floor crack when they walk down the hallways, they can barely fit through the doorways... did we mention kids today are SO FAT?! That's why you, the parents, NEED to STOP giving kids candy on Halloween! Instead, it's highly recommended that you give out healthier alternatives to kids when they come to your doors, such as boxes of raisins, pretzel sticks, granola bars, and other such things that kids don't even want to actually eat, but should be reeducated to do so. Remember, it's your fault, as parents, that your kids are little fatty-fatties eatin' sausage patties, that's why kids need healthier alternatives in their treat bags this Halloween, and now, back to Stormy Day with our weather, Stormy?"