Once in a Lifetime
Part 14: Second Wind
by Kim McFarland
*****
The Muppet Theater's auditorium was rapidly filling, and the chatter of the audience filled the room with a soft murmur. It was the opening night of the first show of the new season. The die-hard fans in the area had bought their tickets as soon as they had become available, and some people had come in from other cities and even states. A few tickets had been returned after the announcement that Lady Gaga would not be the guest this week after all, but those had been snapped up as soon as Scooter had semi-anonymously dropped hints on several fan message boards.
Beauregard, who was filling in for one of the ushers, shone an industrial flashlight at the ticket of one of the patrons to be seated, momentarily blinding everyone in the vicinity. "Front and center. That's a good seat." He looked up, and saw a young, well-dressed man whose buttons were shaped like tiny bats, complete with glittering eyes. "Oh, hi, Ed! Lemme show you to your seat. I'm ushing today."
"Thank you, Bo," Ed replied. He set his hand on Bo's arm, and Bo led him down the aisle. An ebony cane with a batlike grip would normally have swept the ground in front of him, but he knew that there were no steps or obstacles in the theater house.
Backstage, people were rushing around, making last-minute preparations, and squabbling to blow off steam. Miss Piggy and the girls watched from the safety of the walkway in front of her second-floor dressing room. Surveying what looked like a near-panic, Duffy asked worriedly, "What's wrong?"
Miss Piggy replied, "Oh, it's always like this. Pay it no mind."
Julie remarked, "Everywhere we've been it's always kind of nuts right before a show."
Kate finished the thought. "But
this is ridiculous."
In a low voice Pepper asked, "Are they filming now?" She looked around for the red lights that marked live cameras.
Miss Piggy answered, "No, we filmed the backstage parts earlier today. This is
normal, believe it or not. Now let me look at you."
The girls turned to her, and Miss Piggy inspected each one with a critical eye. Their makeup and costuming was already in place. Each girl had chosen the outfit from the wardrobe department that they would wear in the show, and with the exception of Julie and Kate they had picked wildly different getups. Which was good; they were supposed to look eclectic. Their makeup, with one exception, was as subtle and understated as stage makeup got; they looked like cute little girls rather than tarted-up pageant brats. And they were nervous but eager. Which was fine; she'd have been worried if they
didn't have butterflies before their stage debut. She and the other Muppets would shepherd them through it, and they'd kick butt, and if those pageant show producers had a problem with her creative reinterpretation of their show they could take that, fold it until it was all corners, and stick it in their ears!
Molly asked, "Can I go watch the cameras?"
"Janken has to concentrate. He can't talk or answer questions now," Miss Piggy answered.
"I won't talk. I'll just watch and be quiet," Molly promised.
"Being quiet's what she's best at," Tessie said.
Molly looked up at Miss Piggy with pleading eyes. If she had begged or nagged, Piggy would have said no in a heartbeat. But she really was a quiet child. And they wouldn't be onstage until the second act. Piggy said, "All right. But come right back to me at the end of the first act, or before if you get bored."
"I will," Molly said. She descended the staircase, walking carefully to avoid snagging the wide skirt she was wearing, and went to the passage that went around the back of the stage.
*
When she emerged backstage left Janken Fraggle was wearing a headset and sitting at the console, looking at the monitors and making adjustments. Molly watched as he fiddled with controls, then looked at a small monitor off to the side. It was now showing the audience. He fiddled some more, changing the angle and zoom so it got a good, wide shot. A movement at the edge of his field of vision got his attention, and he glanced over and saw a kitten in a Gone-With-The-Wind dress looking up at him. He smiled and said, "Hi, Molly! I can't talk right now. The show's about to start."
She answered, "I know. Can I watch? I'll be quiet."
"All right. So long as Piggy and Scooter know where you are."
Worriedly Molly said, "I didn't tell Scooter."
"Well, if Piggy knows where you are, good enough, I guess. Pull up a chair." Janken twiddled the controls some more. "There. We're trying something new tonight, and I want to see how well it goes over. I'm getting the whole audience on camera. That way we can see how well it goes over, and if it plays to the whole house or if it only looks good on one side and not the other, or if it's only funny to the people in front, or whatever else. Oh, there's Ed. He's a regular, got a season ticket. I'll have to check with him too."
"Oh," she answered, and made a mental note to ask how he could tell all that when Janken wasn't busy, maybe between the first act and the second, if she didn't figure it out before then.
She looked at the stage. The arches were in place, and when she went into the wings she could see them from the back. They were just painted wood with lights attached, and catwalks and things so people could get into place quickly. Each row was separate from the one behind it, so though they looked like a wall from the front they were actually more like a pyramid. They looked so real from the front, nobody would ever guess what was behind them. It was amazing, what they did to make things look so neat.
The PA system spoke with Scooter's voice. "Two minutes to curtain, everybody! Overture in sixty."
Molly hustled back and picked up a chair, one that she knew wasn't a prop, and brought it over to Janken's console. She set it to the side of his chair and sat down to watch. Janken was working the controls, and on the screen she saw that the screen with the audience was dimming. He was controlling the lights in the whole house! He tilted his head, listening to something in the headset, then said "Yeah." He flipped a few switches, first to flash small red lights in the orchestra pit, then to turn on their microphones. After a second the orchestra began playing the theme song.
Molly closed her eyes and placed her hands discreetly in her lap. She thought,
Dear God, help everyone 'break a leg,' and help me, Duffy, Pepper, Kate, Julie, and Tessie do really good and make our parents and Miss Piggy proud of us. I hope You like the show too.
*
The opening of the show, as seen from the audience, was a pretty close adaptation of the television sequence. Where it was not feasible to match the sequences, for example because Kermit could not get down from his spot in the logo from which he announced the show to the stage in under ten seconds, where he named the guest, they added some slapstick business to give him a little more time. Today it was Beauregard and Sweetums trying to bring in a podium, in the process endangering the rest of the stage.
In the audience, Ed listened. It was not unusual for the opening theme to be interrupted by bits of comedy. He could not see what they were doing, but that did not bother him; he let the silliness blip by.
The curtains fell closed in front of the arches. Molly looked through the wings. Muppets climbed down from the arches quickly. It took less than a minute to clear everyone out. The arches rose up into the flyspace. Behind them was a set that looked like a nursery. All of the babies were in their cribs, looking as if they were napping, and the few Muppets in this act who had been in the arches—Bean Bunny and several miscellaneous cute creatures—quickly took their spots.
Kermit was in front of the curtains. "Greetings, salutations, and welcome to
The Muppet Show! The show that asks the question, 'What is art?' and doesn't answer it. As you all know, we originally planned to have Lady Gaga as our special guest. Here to explain what happened is Sam the Eagle."
As Sam's signature trumpet fanfare played the eagle marched onto the stage and up to the podium. He tapped the microphone to make sure it was live—he could never take that for granted; there were too many childish persons in this troupe who dedicated themselves to thwarting him—and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to speak to you today on the subject of one's duty as a patriotic American. 'Ask not what your nation can do for you, but what you can do for your nation.' There are the important things, such as displaying a clean, unsullied American flag and saying the Pledge of Allegiance every day to keep the flame of patriotism alit within your breast."
In the orchestra pit, Floyd shook his head. "He sure likes to yap," he murmured.
Rowlf, at the piano, told him, "He'll keep it short. When they let him take this segue it was on one condition. If he went over a minute and a half it'd be a pie in the face. On stage."
Floyd looked up with great interest. "You tell 'em, Sam!"
San did not hear them. When he was speaking on his favorite topic—patriotism—he was very hard to distract. He continued, "But there are duties that we do not like. That we put off when we can. That, like going to heaven, we want to do sometime, just
not right now." He said the last part in a mocking tone. He was warmed up now, and did not hear the "Amen!" from the pit. "I speak, of course, of jury service. In what other country can decent, hardworking citizens decide the fate of the hooligans and lowlifes who disgrace our fair streets? Far from being a dirty job, it is an honor and a privilege to take part in the workings of justice, to be a cog in its
magnificent machine!"
"How close is he?" Floyd whispered.
"He's got thirty-seven seconds to go," said a voice near the floor.
Floyd looked down. Rizzo was there, with a stopwatch. The rat said, "What? I got a bet riding on this."
Sam continued, "And that brings me to our guest star. The absurdly-named Lady Gaga was supposed to grace our stage with her
distinctive presence this week. But she is not here! And why, you ask? What could be more important? This 'pop star,' this person who wears ridiculous clothes and sings about mercy- knows-what, has answered the call of her country! She is serving on a jury, standing in judgment of her fellow American. If such a
questionable person can rise to the call of duty, how can any other patriot fail to? And don't give me that namby-pamby 'nonrefundable plane ticket' nonsense." He pounded the podium with his fist. "There will
always be another flight!"
He glared over the podium at the audience. They were hanging on his every word. He even heard applause and cheers; the podium prevented him from realizing that they came from the orchestra pit. Satisfied that his point had been made, he moved on to the last point in his speech. "Although we may not have
Lady Gaga, we do have…baby ga-ga." He rolled his eyes and crumpled up a piece of paper. Throwing it over his shoulder, he muttered, "This is why I prefer to write my own material."
Sam stalked offstage. Floyd shook his head. "I was looking forward to that pie."
Rizzo said, "Me too. It was coconut crème."
*
Kermit had worried that Sam's diatribe might put the babies to sleep for real proved unfounded. The act went off smoothly, just as rehearsed, plus a few ad-libs. When it was over and the curtain came down again various Muppets, performers and stagehands both, came in to change the set. Billie hopped up, ran to the wings where Gonzo was waiting, and jumped into his arms. "I did great!"
"You sure did," he told her, grinning as he swung her up.
Of Bobby Benson's Baby Band, half were ready for a nap, and their cribs were being rolled to their dressing room. The other half elected to remain backstage playing with Sweetums. The big, shaggy, good-natured ogre was more irresistible than a sheepdog.
Tessie said, "I still can't believe it. How can
babies do an act like that?"
A head that was bald except for a few blonde ringlets peeped over Sweetums's shoulder. She took her thumb out of her mouth and said, "Wehearse, but don't over-wehearse or you'll get stagey."
Sweetums patted her head with his big hand. "Haw, haw. Kids say the darnedest things."
*
Usually as soon as one act ended another began. However, this time the curtains closed over the rave-like set, and nobody came out in front. Instead, the audience heard voices, as if someone had hooked backstage speakers to the theater's sound system. Kermit said, "Scooter, what's up next? Quick, I have to do the intro!"
Scooter answered, "Bunsen and Beaker."
The audience was chuckling, assuming they were being treated to a novel variation on typical Muppet gaffes and technical difficulties. Kermit asked, "Great. What's their invention?"
Bunsen spoke. "Today we will demonstrate a new enzyme that will turn anything transparent one way. For example, this wall. We could see the audience, but they couldn't see us." There was a loud
splat, and an image of the backstage appeared to the left of the stage.
Ed saw a glow appear to the left of the stage. There was startled laughter from the audience. He smiled.
That was new!
Kermit peered at the transparent wall. He said, "How long does it take?"
Crestfallen, Bunsen said, "The effect should be instantaneous. Ah well, back to the drawing board."
Kermit shook his head. Scooter came into frame. "Kermit, remember how you didn't want me to tell anyone about how worried you've been about the budget?"
Kermit gave Scooter a look. "Yes, I remember," he said in an exasperated tone.
"Well, worry no more, chief! It's all under control. I've found a way to make up the shortfall."
Startled, Kermit asked his beaming go-fer, "How'd you manage that? Merchandising?"
"Nope!"
"Renegotiating our broadcast contract?"
"Can I
do that?"
"No."
"In that case, no, I didn't. You know how we've always got people hanging around backstage with nothing to do between acts? I've found something for them to do."
Scooter stepped aside, revealing Sweetums, who was patiently enduring a swarm of babies. They were energetically climbing all over him, tugging his fur, and sitting on his head. Scooter said, "He's a natural."
Kermit said, "You're kidding."
"They'll be no trouble at all," Scooter assured Kermit. "After their act they'll be tired out, and sleep for the rest of the show."
"Scooter, they just
finished their act and they're not tired at all."
Scooter and Kermit looked back at Sweetums. "Better play some more peek-a-boo. They'll get tuckered out in no time."
"Okay." Sweetums covered his eyes.
Scooter told Kermit, "See? And the other ones will be no trouble at all."
Miss Piggy walked in. "Kermit! Kermit, what is happening here? I can't take two steps around here without running into another ankle-biter.
Ow!" She raised her leg, revealing an onesie-clad baby holding onto her leg.
"Oh, there she is." Scooter quickly took the baby and handed her to Sweetums.
"They are
everywhere! I went into my dressing room and some little twerp was playing with my
makeup!"
While Miss Piggy complained to Kermit, Scooter beckoned several little girls of varying species into frame. He whispered to them quickly and urgently, glancing back over his shoulder at the discontented diva. When he seemed to have reached an agreement with them he said, "Ah, Miss Piggy?"
"What?" she snapped.
"Do you have a moment?"
If the go-fer didn't have a darned good reason for interrupting her, he was going to get it with both barrels. She huffed and turned around. With him were a bunch of little girls, including a bird who had obviously been dabbling inexpertly in
someone's makeup. One, a sheep, asked, "Can I have your autograph?"
"Me too?" said a kitten in a soft, earnest voice.
The others all joined in, crowding around her adoringly. Miss Piggy looked startled, then flattered. Scooter said, "Now now, girls, Miss Piggy is a very busy star. She may not have time to sign autographs."
Piggy said, "Nonsense, Scooter.
Moi can always make time for
moi's fans." To the girls, who were fawning full-force, she said, "Come along, dears. I have eight-by-ten glossies in my dressing room."
Kermit watched in disbelief as Miss Piggy herded the girls away. When her dressing room door closed, he said to Scooter, "You put them up to that, didn't you?"
"Sure did," Scooter responded.
"I don't believe it. It worked like a charm."
"It always does," Scooter told him cheerfully, and walked away. Kermit did a double take.
The audience laughed and applauded. Ed, clapping with the rest, was already imagining what the reaction to the surprise backstage scene would be on the fan message boards.
*
Scooter, watching the monitors over Janken's shoulder, was grinning. The audience was clearly enjoying the surprise cutscene, and it looked like everybody could see the projected image, even those at the front on the opposite side. Janken turned back and held up a hand. Scooter slapped his hand against it in a high four. Then Scooter went off to cross over to backstage right and deal with the next act. Janken turned to Molly and, still smiling, held a hand up to her. She grinned and patted her hand against his.
*
The next act, a western set in Siberia, went smoothly. The girls minus Molly watched it excitedly from backstage, just out of the way enough to avoid injury. The
Teeny Weeny Queenies film crew were back against the supposedly-invisible wall, filming the backstage bits that they were allowed to film. The director went into the hallway and took out her cell phone. After dialing, she said, "It's Edna. Yeah, fine. Look—this isn't playing out. At this rate we're not gonna anything out of this." She listened, then said, "Yeah. We'll keep filming for now. Who knows. But I say we're wasting our time here."
****
Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Sam the Eagle, Scooter, and Sweetums, are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Ed is a real person, more or less, and thus I suppose he holds his own copyright. He appears here with permission. All other named characters are copyright © Kim McFarland (
negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
Welcome to the Muppet Central Forum!
Back to the Rock Season 2
Sesame Street Season 54
The Muppets Mayhem premieres
Bear arrives on Disney+
Sam and Friends Book
I miss this fic terribly. *Knows puppet work is bogging down fic updates, but still, I have hope and look forward to the next installment whenever it comes.
