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theprawncracker
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Chapter 39
The theater doors swung open again, letting in the breeze. "Sorry, we got lost," Polly said as he and the other pirates filed into the building.
"Hey, Polly," Clueless said, squinting at the stage. "Isn’t that Benny up there on stage?"
"Benny’s a star before we are?!" Angel Marie yelped.
"Nah, can’t be," Polly said.
"Wait... isn’t that the little frog up there with him?" Old Tom looked through his spectacles. "My eyes ain’t what they used to be ya know..."
"Roland? Why would he be up on stage?" Polly asked.
"Same reason Benny is, probably."
"Benny isn’t on stage!"
"Sure he is! Right there!"
Polly grumbled. "Alright, fine, I’ll prove to ya that that isn’t Benny on stage!" Polly began to walk down the aisle towards the swirling vortex on stage. None of the other pirates followed him. "Whatcha waitin’ for? Aren’t ya comin’?"
"Coming towards the swirling vortex of doom?!" Angel Marie pointed with a shaking finger.
"Come on, ya buncha yellow bellies!" Polly shouted.
"But Polly, my belly isn’t yellow," Clueless said.
"Neither is mine!"
"Mine’s green-yellow, does that count?"
Polly groaned. "Just c’mon!"
Daniel shook his head and turned away from the pirates. "I can’t believe there are more of these Muppets..."
"Neither can I. They never end, I swear." J.P. sat up in his seat.
"Yeah, I know what you mean J.P." Daniel nodded. He was jolted with realization and turned back to J.P. Grosse. "J.P.?! You-You’re-"
"Conscious?" J.P. asked, popping a cigar in his mouth.
"Well... yeah! Smoking kills, you know." Daniel fiddled with his glasses.
"Yeah well, so does Benny." J.P. puffed. "I figure this isn’t nearly as bad as what he could do to my body."
Daniel gulped. "Point taken..." The two of them stared up at the stage where a small, dark green frog peered inward on Benny Vandergast and his force-field.
Robin held his finger directly in front of the shield that was protecting Benny from Death, both literally and... literally.
Robin took a deep breath, and pushed his finger forward.
"Uncle Ker-"
Robin’s voice was caught, caught between Benny Vandergast’s cold, gray hand. "You really are your uncle’s nephew, aren’t you?" Benny put his face right up to Robin’s now quivering snout.
"Robin!" Kermit shot to his feet.
"Uncle Kermit! The force-field doesn’t stop Mu-" Robin started to shout to his uncle, but Benny tightened his grip on the young frog before he could speak the rest of the sentence.
"Mu-" Kermit muttered, millions of things running through his mind at once. "Muppets! The force-field doesn’t stop Muppets!"
Kermit reached down and pulled Piggy to her feet, dragging her with him as he charged towards Benny. He tossed his beloved in Benny’s direction, sending her straight through the force-field, and directly into Benny.
Benny’s hand fell open and Robin crawled away from his grasp, running to Fozzie’s arms.
Kermit gulped, he didn’t know who was angrier, Piggy or Benny. Benny’s firm grasp never ceased holding onto the scythe, and Piggy’s firm fist never unclenched.
Benny threw the pig off of him, and hoisted himself up. "Now," Benny said, his voice no-longer resembling itself. "I’m angry." He aimed the scythe directly at Kermit, sparks seething from the tip, preparing to fire.
"Geez, Louise!" Rizzo screamed as he ran across the stage.
"Who the heck is Louise?" another rat asked, running across with a large group of rats.
"One of the chickens, I think," Rizzo shouted.
Feathers flew as the collective group of molting chickens darted across the stage, followed quickly by and uproarious group of penguins. "The end is near!" one of the penguins shouted.
"Indeed," Benny sneered.
"Ya vern de spoor de me kitchee unt me chickees!" The Swedish Chef screamed as he collided with Benny, carrying his blunderbuss.
Benny’s scythe misfired into the air. "Now Gonzo!" Kermit shouted.
A cannon shot. Gonzo found himself flying through the air carrying a large mirror from Miss Piggy’s vanity. The fire ball from the scythe collided with the glass, propelling Gonzo backwards, directly into the lighting booth, and the fire ball forward, directly into Benny.
The force of the flames knocked the scythe right from Benny’s grasp. Kermit dove for it, but lost to a purple gloved hand.
"Sorry Kermie," Piggy twirled the scythe in her hands. "She who holds the scythe holds the power you know." Here eyes twinkled.
"Piggy, please," Kermit frowned. He held out his hand, beckoning her to give him the blade.
"Oh, fine," she said, reluctantly handing it over.
Kermit gulped, and walked the scythe over to Death. "I- I believe this belongs to you," he said.
Death slowly took the scythe back from Kermit’s green hands. The archangel felt every bone of his skeletal form surge with limitless power. "MUCH BETTER." He twirled the scythe around his hand, then slammed it on the stage, making Kermit jump. "THANK YOU FROG."
"It’s not over yet," Kermit told him sternly. "Finish it, please."
"WITH PLEASURE."
Uncle Deadly appeared at Death’s side, limping. "Not without me, you don’t," Uncle Deadly smirked.
"I WOULDN’T DREAM OF IT MY FRIEND." Death put his arm around Uncle Deadly’s back.
Benny sat up against the back wall, watching Death and Deadly head towards him. He turned his head, looking backstage at the endless group of Muppets staring at him with fear in their eyes. Behind Death and Deadly Kermit held Miss Piggy in his arms, and she held him right back, both of their eyes drilled through him as well. All eyes were on him, and he knew it. In the band pit, The Electric Mayhem, the seats behind, Daniel, J.P., Polly and the pirates, the controls booth, Gonzo, Clifford, Crazy Harry, and Skeeter. All but one pair of eyes were glued on Benny. Those one eyes, the one pair that were not were his. His eyes.
The eyes closed and Benny Vandergast stopped.
Death stood in front ob Benny and let out a much-needed sigh. "IT IS DONE."
The Boss looked up for the first time since she’d been there. "Oh, it is? Well, it’s about time." She stood up, and pushed out the creases in her robe. "Who’s up for pizza?"
"Pizza!" Animal chanted. "Pizza! Pizza!"
"We ordered those pizzas an hour ago," Gonzo said. "Where do you think they are?"
Kermit was comfily perched on the couch with his arms intertwined with Piggy’s to his right, and Fozzie with Robin in his lap to his left. "Well Gonzo," Kermit said. "We did order over a hundred pizzas-"
"Yeah, and dat’s just for me!" Rizzo shouted.
Kermit shook his head. "And they probably had to go buy the peanut butter and marshmallow creme for your ‘peanut butter, anchovy, bluegill, and marshmallow creme’ pizza."
"Good point," Gonzo laughed.
Skeeter and Clifford sat next to each other with their backs to the coffee table in the living room. "So, Skeet, we okay?"
"We are okay, yes." Skeeter kissed him on the cheek.
Clifford grinned. "Baby, no body pecks like you do."
"I beg to differ," Scooter said. "Camilla?" He pointed the chicken in Clifford’s direction, who pecked him in a flurry of feathers.
Skeeter giggled as Clifford sat up with muddled dread-locks. "Ha ha, very funny," he muttered.
"Hey, Ritzo," Pepe called to the rat.
"Yeah, what?" Rizzo asked.
"Did we place de moneys on whether dat horse of jours was real or not?" Pepe asked.
Rizzo tilted his head. "Uh, no, I don’t t’ink so. Why?"
Pepe laughed. "Uh, no reason, hokay? Just checking, jou know. Making sure we’re even." The prawn ran off into the kitchen.
"Hey! Hey! Come back here! We did, didn’t we!" Rizzo chased after him.
Bobo came wobbling down the stairs with his tuba around his broad bear shoulders. "Who’s up for some dinner music?"
"MU-SIC! MU-SIC!" Animal gave chase to Bobo, who ran back up the stairs.
Emily Bear sat in a rocking chair, knitting. "Ah, I tell ya, I’ll never forget this trip we had, oo-whee, what an adventure."
"You can say that again!" Lew Zealand said.
"Oo-whee," Sam said, emotionless. "What an adventure."
"Aw, c’mon Sam," Sal said. "You had fun! You even got to change a tire!"
Clyde poked his head between Miss Piggy and Kermit’s heads. "Um, hi, sorry to interrupt but- Whoa!" Butch yanked Clyde back by his necktie, replacing Clyde’s head with his own.
"Hey there, Kermit, your first payment’s due today!" Butch said.
"Payment?" Kermit asked.
"Yup," Clyde put his head on the other side of Kermit. "For our services as travel agents!"
"But, you didn’t do anything!" Kermit said.
"That’s a matter of opinion, my dear frog," Butch smirked.
Kermit scrunched up his face. "Talk to J.P."
"So, uh, we’re part of the family now, right?" Polly asked Rowlf.
"I s’pose." Rowlf nodded. "I apologize in advance for the cooking though."
As the Muppets continued to romp around their house, Uncle Deadly sat down in the dark hallway with Death. "My feet hurt," Uncle Deadly said.
Death chuckled. "THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO."
"Actually, it’s my left." Deadly smirked.
"OF COURSE, OF COURSE," Death said. He sighed. "I’VE FINALLY CLEANED UP MY MISTAKES."
"Don’t count on it," Uncle Deadly said.
Death stared at the phantom. "HOW DO YOU MEAN?"
"Well, you did vote to be friends with the Muppets, did you not?"
"INDEED."
An explosion of orange goop flew out of the kitchen doors splattering the goop, and Bean Bunny and various penguins all over the hallway.
"That’s one big mistake that always needs cleaning up." Uncle Deadly smiled.
Death nodded. "I’LL GET THE BROOM."
"Hey, green stuff!" Floyd shouted at Kermit. "What we gonna do, now that we’re back home?"
Kermit smiled. He looked from Piggy, to Fozzie, to Robin, to Gonzo, to Rowlf, to Clifford, to Scooter, to J.P. Grosse. "Well, there’s only so many things we Muppets can do well."
"Some of us more so than others," Piggy mumbled.
Kermit smirked. "And one of those things is put on a show." Each Muppet in the crowd had matching grins. "So, why not stick with what works?"
The house exploded with cheering. Which may have been why the pizza man dropped the pizza boxes on the doorsteps and ran for the hills.
That, or the fact that The Boss used her so-called "missing in action" divine-intervention to make the pizza man’s mother in-law appear in the window of the Boarding House.
All in a night’s work.
The theater doors swung open again, letting in the breeze. "Sorry, we got lost," Polly said as he and the other pirates filed into the building.
"Hey, Polly," Clueless said, squinting at the stage. "Isn’t that Benny up there on stage?"
"Benny’s a star before we are?!" Angel Marie yelped.
"Nah, can’t be," Polly said.
"Wait... isn’t that the little frog up there with him?" Old Tom looked through his spectacles. "My eyes ain’t what they used to be ya know..."
"Roland? Why would he be up on stage?" Polly asked.
"Same reason Benny is, probably."
"Benny isn’t on stage!"
"Sure he is! Right there!"
Polly grumbled. "Alright, fine, I’ll prove to ya that that isn’t Benny on stage!" Polly began to walk down the aisle towards the swirling vortex on stage. None of the other pirates followed him. "Whatcha waitin’ for? Aren’t ya comin’?"
"Coming towards the swirling vortex of doom?!" Angel Marie pointed with a shaking finger.
"Come on, ya buncha yellow bellies!" Polly shouted.
"But Polly, my belly isn’t yellow," Clueless said.
"Neither is mine!"
"Mine’s green-yellow, does that count?"
Polly groaned. "Just c’mon!"
Daniel shook his head and turned away from the pirates. "I can’t believe there are more of these Muppets..."
"Neither can I. They never end, I swear." J.P. sat up in his seat.
"Yeah, I know what you mean J.P." Daniel nodded. He was jolted with realization and turned back to J.P. Grosse. "J.P.?! You-You’re-"
"Conscious?" J.P. asked, popping a cigar in his mouth.
"Well... yeah! Smoking kills, you know." Daniel fiddled with his glasses.
"Yeah well, so does Benny." J.P. puffed. "I figure this isn’t nearly as bad as what he could do to my body."
Daniel gulped. "Point taken..." The two of them stared up at the stage where a small, dark green frog peered inward on Benny Vandergast and his force-field.
Robin held his finger directly in front of the shield that was protecting Benny from Death, both literally and... literally.
Robin took a deep breath, and pushed his finger forward.
"Uncle Ker-"
Robin’s voice was caught, caught between Benny Vandergast’s cold, gray hand. "You really are your uncle’s nephew, aren’t you?" Benny put his face right up to Robin’s now quivering snout.
"Robin!" Kermit shot to his feet.
"Uncle Kermit! The force-field doesn’t stop Mu-" Robin started to shout to his uncle, but Benny tightened his grip on the young frog before he could speak the rest of the sentence.
"Mu-" Kermit muttered, millions of things running through his mind at once. "Muppets! The force-field doesn’t stop Muppets!"
Kermit reached down and pulled Piggy to her feet, dragging her with him as he charged towards Benny. He tossed his beloved in Benny’s direction, sending her straight through the force-field, and directly into Benny.
Benny’s hand fell open and Robin crawled away from his grasp, running to Fozzie’s arms.
Kermit gulped, he didn’t know who was angrier, Piggy or Benny. Benny’s firm grasp never ceased holding onto the scythe, and Piggy’s firm fist never unclenched.
Benny threw the pig off of him, and hoisted himself up. "Now," Benny said, his voice no-longer resembling itself. "I’m angry." He aimed the scythe directly at Kermit, sparks seething from the tip, preparing to fire.
"Geez, Louise!" Rizzo screamed as he ran across the stage.
"Who the heck is Louise?" another rat asked, running across with a large group of rats.
"One of the chickens, I think," Rizzo shouted.
Feathers flew as the collective group of molting chickens darted across the stage, followed quickly by and uproarious group of penguins. "The end is near!" one of the penguins shouted.
"Indeed," Benny sneered.
"Ya vern de spoor de me kitchee unt me chickees!" The Swedish Chef screamed as he collided with Benny, carrying his blunderbuss.
Benny’s scythe misfired into the air. "Now Gonzo!" Kermit shouted.
A cannon shot. Gonzo found himself flying through the air carrying a large mirror from Miss Piggy’s vanity. The fire ball from the scythe collided with the glass, propelling Gonzo backwards, directly into the lighting booth, and the fire ball forward, directly into Benny.
The force of the flames knocked the scythe right from Benny’s grasp. Kermit dove for it, but lost to a purple gloved hand.
"Sorry Kermie," Piggy twirled the scythe in her hands. "She who holds the scythe holds the power you know." Here eyes twinkled.
"Piggy, please," Kermit frowned. He held out his hand, beckoning her to give him the blade.
"Oh, fine," she said, reluctantly handing it over.
Kermit gulped, and walked the scythe over to Death. "I- I believe this belongs to you," he said.
Death slowly took the scythe back from Kermit’s green hands. The archangel felt every bone of his skeletal form surge with limitless power. "MUCH BETTER." He twirled the scythe around his hand, then slammed it on the stage, making Kermit jump. "THANK YOU FROG."
"It’s not over yet," Kermit told him sternly. "Finish it, please."
"WITH PLEASURE."
Uncle Deadly appeared at Death’s side, limping. "Not without me, you don’t," Uncle Deadly smirked.
"I WOULDN’T DREAM OF IT MY FRIEND." Death put his arm around Uncle Deadly’s back.
Benny sat up against the back wall, watching Death and Deadly head towards him. He turned his head, looking backstage at the endless group of Muppets staring at him with fear in their eyes. Behind Death and Deadly Kermit held Miss Piggy in his arms, and she held him right back, both of their eyes drilled through him as well. All eyes were on him, and he knew it. In the band pit, The Electric Mayhem, the seats behind, Daniel, J.P., Polly and the pirates, the controls booth, Gonzo, Clifford, Crazy Harry, and Skeeter. All but one pair of eyes were glued on Benny. Those one eyes, the one pair that were not were his. His eyes.
The eyes closed and Benny Vandergast stopped.
Death stood in front ob Benny and let out a much-needed sigh. "IT IS DONE."
The Boss looked up for the first time since she’d been there. "Oh, it is? Well, it’s about time." She stood up, and pushed out the creases in her robe. "Who’s up for pizza?"
"Pizza!" Animal chanted. "Pizza! Pizza!"
<X>X<X>
The Muppet Boarding House was once again full of its recurring rampaging ruckus, this time with a little more as The Boss, Death, Daniel, Uncle Deadly, the pirates, and J.P. Grosse joined in on the bash.
"We ordered those pizzas an hour ago," Gonzo said. "Where do you think they are?"
Kermit was comfily perched on the couch with his arms intertwined with Piggy’s to his right, and Fozzie with Robin in his lap to his left. "Well Gonzo," Kermit said. "We did order over a hundred pizzas-"
"Yeah, and dat’s just for me!" Rizzo shouted.
Kermit shook his head. "And they probably had to go buy the peanut butter and marshmallow creme for your ‘peanut butter, anchovy, bluegill, and marshmallow creme’ pizza."
"Good point," Gonzo laughed.
Skeeter and Clifford sat next to each other with their backs to the coffee table in the living room. "So, Skeet, we okay?"
"We are okay, yes." Skeeter kissed him on the cheek.
Clifford grinned. "Baby, no body pecks like you do."
"I beg to differ," Scooter said. "Camilla?" He pointed the chicken in Clifford’s direction, who pecked him in a flurry of feathers.
Skeeter giggled as Clifford sat up with muddled dread-locks. "Ha ha, very funny," he muttered.
"Hey, Ritzo," Pepe called to the rat.
"Yeah, what?" Rizzo asked.
"Did we place de moneys on whether dat horse of jours was real or not?" Pepe asked.
Rizzo tilted his head. "Uh, no, I don’t t’ink so. Why?"
Pepe laughed. "Uh, no reason, hokay? Just checking, jou know. Making sure we’re even." The prawn ran off into the kitchen.
"Hey! Hey! Come back here! We did, didn’t we!" Rizzo chased after him.
Bobo came wobbling down the stairs with his tuba around his broad bear shoulders. "Who’s up for some dinner music?"
"MU-SIC! MU-SIC!" Animal gave chase to Bobo, who ran back up the stairs.
Emily Bear sat in a rocking chair, knitting. "Ah, I tell ya, I’ll never forget this trip we had, oo-whee, what an adventure."
"You can say that again!" Lew Zealand said.
"Oo-whee," Sam said, emotionless. "What an adventure."
"Aw, c’mon Sam," Sal said. "You had fun! You even got to change a tire!"
Clyde poked his head between Miss Piggy and Kermit’s heads. "Um, hi, sorry to interrupt but- Whoa!" Butch yanked Clyde back by his necktie, replacing Clyde’s head with his own.
"Hey there, Kermit, your first payment’s due today!" Butch said.
"Payment?" Kermit asked.
"Yup," Clyde put his head on the other side of Kermit. "For our services as travel agents!"
"But, you didn’t do anything!" Kermit said.
"That’s a matter of opinion, my dear frog," Butch smirked.
Kermit scrunched up his face. "Talk to J.P."
"So, uh, we’re part of the family now, right?" Polly asked Rowlf.
"I s’pose." Rowlf nodded. "I apologize in advance for the cooking though."
As the Muppets continued to romp around their house, Uncle Deadly sat down in the dark hallway with Death. "My feet hurt," Uncle Deadly said.
Death chuckled. "THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO."
"Actually, it’s my left." Deadly smirked.
"OF COURSE, OF COURSE," Death said. He sighed. "I’VE FINALLY CLEANED UP MY MISTAKES."
"Don’t count on it," Uncle Deadly said.
Death stared at the phantom. "HOW DO YOU MEAN?"
"Well, you did vote to be friends with the Muppets, did you not?"
"INDEED."
An explosion of orange goop flew out of the kitchen doors splattering the goop, and Bean Bunny and various penguins all over the hallway.
"That’s one big mistake that always needs cleaning up." Uncle Deadly smiled.
Death nodded. "I’LL GET THE BROOM."
"Hey, green stuff!" Floyd shouted at Kermit. "What we gonna do, now that we’re back home?"
Kermit smiled. He looked from Piggy, to Fozzie, to Robin, to Gonzo, to Rowlf, to Clifford, to Scooter, to J.P. Grosse. "Well, there’s only so many things we Muppets can do well."
"Some of us more so than others," Piggy mumbled.
Kermit smirked. "And one of those things is put on a show." Each Muppet in the crowd had matching grins. "So, why not stick with what works?"
The house exploded with cheering. Which may have been why the pizza man dropped the pizza boxes on the doorsteps and ran for the hills.
That, or the fact that The Boss used her so-called "missing in action" divine-intervention to make the pizza man’s mother in-law appear in the window of the Boarding House.
All in a night’s work.
