Hensonville Theater Presents: Dino and the Beast

[RedPiggy]

Statler snoozed on the bench, a little bit of drool dribbling down his cheek.

Waldorf elbowed him. “Hey, Statler, time to wake up!”

Statler shifted but kept his eyes close. “It’s bad enough we have our food sing to us,” he mumbled. “Why should I care to see dancing dishes?”

Waldorf stared at him. “But … but it’s cabaret!”

Statler opened his eyes with a smirk. “As long as they’ll be serving Chardonnay, I guess it’ll be okay.”

Waldorf’s face fell. “Oh no – we’re starting to rhyme!”

Statler nodded, shrugging. “It was only a matter of time.”

A cutaway replica of the Sinclair Kitchen rose from the floor. Earl Sinclair was watching television on stage left, Charlene and Baby Sinclair were at the kitchen table in the center, and Fran Sinclair was cooking behind the children on a kitchen island, billows of steam rising from various pots.

Earl frowned. “We left Oregon to do community theater?” he groused.

Fran rolled her eyes.

Charlene glanced at her father. “Dad, I thought you always wanted to be a big star.”

“Yeah, the biggest!” added Baby in a high-pitched voice.

Earl turned slightly and glared at them. “This isn’t Broadway, it’s some college town!” he protested.

Fran smacked a ladle on the counter. “We’re … on,” she sniped sharply.

Earl saw the audience, gulped and stood, sighing. “Sheesh. Ahem,” he began, trying to “act”, “Ooooh, dear! It is my understanding that the ruffian that has negatively affected our son is attempting to break the species barrier in his newest wooing attempts.” He continued to emphasize his words strangely. “Whatever can we do to break up this misguided liberal attempt at harmony among different living things?”

Fran glared at him dryly. “Earl --.”

“What?”

Fran shook her head. “Get a life.”

Earl frowned, his regular speaking rhythm returning. “You mean you’d seriously entertain such unnatural devotion?”

Fran continued to cook without looking at her husband. “You nearly lost your best friend when Roy wanted to marry Monica.”

Earl gulped. “That was completely different!” he protested.

Fran glanced at him, stopping. “How?”

Earl threw up his hands angrily. “Because I cared about Roy ruining what little dignity he had! Spike is just a common hooligan with no real sense of honesty and integrity – why must I support such a delinquent freak in his new quest to floss his bikini area with a human being?”

The other Sinclairs took a few seconds, biting their lower lips, trying desperately not to laugh at such imagery.

Spike entered the kitchen from stage right through a stand-alone door. “Rob here?”

Earl shrugged. “Now you’ve taken to robbing us?” he asked incredulously. “When will the delinquency ever end?”

Charlene cut her father a dirty glance. “Dad!” She stood and smiled sheepishly to Spike. “Dad’s just a little concerned that you’re trading in a diamond for a piece of plastic.”

Spike looked over at Earl and smirked. He spoke in a mocking tone. “Why, Mr. S – I’m flattered my love life is all you t’ink about!”

“Yeh, yeh,” Earl grumbled as he left the room on stage left.

Charlene edged closer to Spike.

“You gonna marry him?” Baby blurted out.

Charlene, without looking, kicked back the chair Baby was sitting on, sending it to the floor.

“Again!” Baby exclaimed happily, laughing and grunting as he tried to free himself from the wrecked furniture.

Charlene batted her eyes at Spike. “I, for one, totally understand how alone you feel.”

Spike stared at her dryly. “You do?”

Charlene nodded, almost rubbing up against him. She giggled. “All those other female dinosaurs are just random whatnots, destined to look nice in a photo but never meaning much in real life.” She sniffed at him gently. “You just need to … dig a little deeper,” she offered seductively, her tail swinging slowly.

Baby managed to stand, supporting himself on the legs of the table. “I thought we were singing that candle song, not the blind swamp hermit song!”

Charlene whipped around and hissed. “We’re getting to it – now hush!” She inhaled as music began to play. “Mon cher monsieur! It is with deepest pride and great … ahem,” she stopped, making kissy faces, “greatest pleasure … to welcome you here to our kitchen. We invite you to relax, pull up a stool, as the Sinclair family proudly presents … another romantic option!” Giggling, she took a few steps back, swinging her tail slowly, placing a hand on her chest as she sang, “Be … our … guest, be our guest! Take a seat and take a rest! Take that bandana off your head and … I … will get you dressed!” She glanced at his jacket, picking up a towel off the table and dusting it off. “Nice new boots, and a hat – oh, my God, you’ll be all that! Try Mom’s cooking --.”

“It’s delicious!” Fran offered happily, holding up a steaming pot.

Charlene shrugged. “Don’t believe her? Why so suspicious?” she asked as she started to sing again. “It’s not like, you will die, from trying Mother’s apple pie – so eat some stew, because you need to be less stressed! That human will NEVER tell you, to get hitched in DF Dub’yu, so be our guest! Be our guest – heck, by MY guest!”

Philo and Gunge skittered across the stage floor. “Mammal stew ….”

Red and Wembley, dressed in Rock Hockey uniforms, dashed across the stage. “Muck and goo ….”

Charlene waved at them and stared at Spike. “A steal for only a buck ninety-two! We’ll prepare and serve with flair, a virtual character-stock ragú!”

Waldo flew in on stage, stopping with a cartoony screech, his eyes bugging out. “What?” he asked loudly as he turned into a car and drove away in mid-air.

Fran walked around the kitchen island and nodded, placing a hand gently on the table in front of Spike, her face beaming with a warm motherly smile as she sang. “You’re alone, and you’re scared, but my dinner’s almost prepared. No need to go outside your kind, you’ll find dinosaurs are more refined! We tell jokes, and do tricks – I’ll even make tasty Doozer Sticks! And this is just the start of fullness you can get! Come on and bring your plate, you’ll find you’re not too late, to be my guest, be our guest, be our guest!”

In a loud and ostentatious musical bridge, the Sinclair females were joined by Pearl Sinclair from stage left. They twirled around the kitchen, making various angelic choir noises, until Pearl left stage left and reappeared, dragging a reluctant Earl with her. He glared at her for a moment before joining in the chorus line, all of them kicking their legs in the air as they sang, “Be our guest! Be our guest! Take your worries off your chest! Let us say, we’ll make your day … we guarantee that you’ll feel blessed! Try the bread! Try the soup! But if you go outside the group, you will find that society minds not being kept within the loop! With our advice how can you be depressed? We’ll make you shout, ‘Encore!’ Then you’ll go out for more! Just be our guest! Be our guest! Beeeeeeee … ooooouuuuuurrrrrr ... guessssssst!”

The audience applauded as the song stopped, the onstage characters bowing graciously, even Spike.

TO BE CONTINUED….

 

[Katzi428]

Nice! Good thing you didn't have cooking with Fran Sinclair or Spike would head for the hills!

 

[The Count]

Heh... Maybe he was booked for an appearance on Iron Chef?
Thanks for posting Kells. It's a great romp of a play and I'm awaiting whatever's next.
*Goes to get the ticket signed during the intermission.

 

[RedPiggy]

Nice! Good thing you didn't have cooking with Fran Sinclair or Spike would head for the hills!

Nah, that would be my cooking, LOL.

 

[RedPiggy]

The Sinclairs and Spike congratulated each other as the set slowly dropped, replaced by the Hensonville set. Kelly walked out from behind a cardboard version of Everybody Eats and sighed as Red followed her, dragging along a large sack.

Red grabbed an object out of the sack and held it up for Kelly to see. “How about a chew toy?”

Kelly sighed, rolling her eyes as she walked toward the front of the stage. “No.”

Red tossed the toy aside and buried her muzzle in the bag a second time. “A backpack?”

Kelly’s face started to redden, her tone getting more clipped. “Red.”

Red hummed a little ditty and jumped back several feet as a loud pop was heard. She clutched at her chest, her eyes wild. “Those clowns-on-a-spring-in-a-box things?”

Kelly stopped in her tracks, whipping around. She yelled, “Red! I am not interested in a psychological metaphor!”

Red’s pigtails and tail drooped. Her voice was quieter. “But … but ….”

Kelly shook her head. “No ‘buts’! Stop dragging out all the stuff from my closet!”

Red glanced warily at the large sack of stuff. “This is the stuff from your car,” she replied. After a small pause, she added, “Don’t you ever clean it out?”

Kelly growled in exasperation and lunged toward the Fraggle, who squeaked in fear and dashed away. Kelly picked up the sack and started beating it against the floor in frustration.

Spike appeared on stage left, taking in the scene with a hint of confusion and bemusement. “May I help you?”

Kelly, without looking up, shook her head as she continued to abuse the sack. “Get lost, creep. I’m a woman on the edge,” she growled bitterly.

“Well,” Spike began with some amusement in his voice, “would you like a rescue or a push?” He chuckled as he approached. “I t’ink insanity suits you quite nicely,” he told her in a mocking tone.

Kelly stopped, breathing heavily, and wiped away a strand of hair from her forehead as she turned to look at her mocker. She was almost glad she could barely breathe and that her face was already red from anger, for then he wouldn’t be able to tell … that she … found the sapphire blue scales, the hulking tons of muscle, and the smell of black leather … enticing. She tried desperately to snap out of it. “God, you’re hot … I mean … you’re not welcome here!” she countered, staring up at the creature that was twice her size. “Can’t you see that I’m expressing my anger in an unsafe physical way that would send obvious nonverbal signals that I don’t wish to be involved in polite conversation?”

Spike laughed. “I believe I can handle you, toots,” he informed her with a grin. “You wanna let it all out, why waste your time on some cheap trinkets?” He tapped his chest and smirked. “I can be a pretty good target. Go ahead an’ take a coupla punches.” He shrugged. “If you can land even one hit, I’ll help you work on whatevah problem you got goin’ on dere, agreed?”

Kelly lunged at him, fully prepared to knock a hole in his waist (the only thing she could reach). He deftly turned on his ankle and grabbed her arms with one hand and lifted her up in the air. Her mouth flew open and she stopped breathing. He dropped her unceremoniously with a thud.

Kelly rubbed her back, grimacing. Her face betrayed awe in the face of such speed and agility for one so humongous. She panted quietly. “Wh-wh-what are you?”

“I’m a big frickin’ lizard,” he replied, his smile waning. “An’ I suppose you would be a human being. Am I right?”

Kelly scooted away from him on the floor. She nodded. “What’s it to you?”

Spike shrugged. “Oh, nuttin’. It’s just I was lookin’ for some female I could love an’ cherish,” he continued, “but … I can see you’re busy, so … I guess I’ll just pass on t’rough.”

Kelly grunted as she stood. She glared at him defiantly. “Go … go ahead and walk off! I don’t need a lecture from some blue horned toad, telling me I need to work on my self-control.”

Spike smirked. “You really t’ink you’re bettah dan me, don’t you, toots?” He turned and started to walk away. “I ain’t got time for an arrogant lil’ whiner who goes aroun’ sayin’ how uttahly unfair her life is.”

Kelly scoffed, beating at her chest briefly. “You’re calling moi arrogant! Ha! I don’t have an egotistical bone in my body! It’s not bragging when you’re simply stating facts!”

Spike continued to walk towards the edge of the stage without replying.

Kelly ran over to him and grabbed his jacket. “How dare you walk away from me?”

Spike grabbed her by the arms again and turned, setting her down on the other side of him. “Quite easily, in fact. Just watch.” He started to walk again. He stopped when he noticed she was blocking his way again. “Y’know, for a lil’ shrimp dat doesn’t wanna talk, you sure are draggin’ out da conversation, toots.”

Kelly inhaled as music began to play, her voice betraying a hint of defeat as she sang. “Yes, I made my choice. But I was made this way. I really don’t believe you have anything to say! You … jerkface! If you think that what you aaaaare is right – well, then … you’re a fool! Think again!” She walked towards the audience, saddened. She clasped her hands in front of her chest. “Is this home? To be honest, I just sort of stay here. Never felt … friendship bonds that were strooooong. I was wrong, to believe I could fit in, when Hensonville is packed. Home will be where … the heart is! Never were words so true. In which fics, have I griped?” She sighed heavily, nodding. “Quite a few.” She inhaled deeply, turning around to stare into Spike’s eyes. “Is this home? Is this where you would live, if you were me? Try to find, something real, in this tragic plaaaace? Just in case, you could ask them a question, no answer’d come to you. Oh! For a conversation! I would like to see – what it takes, for God’s sake, to like me.”

Spike rolled his eyes and approached her as he belted out a verse loudly. “What I’d giiiiive, to believe, dat it truly sucks to be you-ou. But I bet, dat you can’t, admit you just aren’t all daaaaaat. What is home? Do you neeeeed kids to anticipate you? Don’t you wooooork – dey don’t wait up – are you surpriiiiiiised? I surmise, dat you’re alone ‘cause you’re lookin’ like dat mermaid teen. She kept on whining to all, dat life was misery. She was wrong. She was strong. Doooon’t you seeeee? You don’t look, where you should, for … fam’lyyyyyyy,” he noted as the song ended slowly and quietly. He brushed a tear from her cheek, asking her, “Now … do you see da error of your ways?”

Kelly backed away a couple of steps. She seemed to be speechless, sitting down on the edge of the stage, looking out at all the audience before gazing at the ground below. “I just,” she started softly, sniffling, “wonder why it’s just the angry character who gets called out on their personality issues.” She stood and stared at the dinosaur, who seemed a bit confused about where this was going. “I can’t believe you’re seriously lecturing me about not appreciating what I have when you’re here instead of with your own kind trying to find something you’re sure is missing, like love, true love. It’s like that musical movie where the little pretty bookworm is griping about how awful it is to be smart … and … well,” she started to think about what she was saying, but shook her head. “No! Beauty is just as arrogant and lame as the Beast! Maybe even more so, because her life is outright perfect! She had one hot and vain guy running around sexually harassing her, but it sure beats the guns and pitchforks, doesn’t it? The Beast gets stuck with chronic loneliness, failing health --.”

“Failing health?”

Kelly nodded. “If the last rose petal fell before he found true love, he’d lose all of his goodness and be a monster permanently.”

Grover quickly rushed the stage, holding up a sign that said, “Monsters Against Defamation – Join Today!” Then, before Spike or Kelly or Kathy could protest, he dashed off the stage.

Kelly stared at the direction Grover left for a few moments before remembering she had lines. “Oh, yeah,” she said, turning back to Spike, “my point is – it’s not fair for Beauty to berate the Beast’s attitude, when she had it so much better than he did. You’re probably a god in your world. You can make any female fall in love with you, and you can fight without even breathing heavy. Exactly what on earth was so bad that you had to come to Pleasantville looking for love?”

Spike scratched his head, trying to think of a reply for several moments. “Charlene Sinclair?”

Kelly stared at him for a minute or two before nodding. “You’ve got a point, you poor baby,” she told him sympathetically.

Spike scratched his head again. “So, uh, now what?”

Kelly shrugged pensively. “I dunno. There’s really not a villain in this story, so that cuts out the massive climax.” She looked up at him. “Any ideas?”

Spike looked around. “Wanna brainstorm ovah a bite ta eat?”

Kelly smiled, nodding. “Deal.”

TO BE CONTINUED ….

 

[The Count]

Monsters Against Defamation Join Today!
MAD JOT? Sounds like Grover's getting Hermoine's help in creating bad acronyms for their causes.
That reminds me... *Goes to pay monster membership dues.

More please

 

[Katzi428]

Oh Kelly.....
You're knocking me for a loop here. Cute part with Grover though!

 

[RedPiggy]

A loop is bad or good?

 

[Katzi428]

A loop is bad or good?

Meaning Good! And WOW! I was shocked!
:More Story!MORE STORY!then looking cute: please?

 

[RedPiggy]

The Hensonville set disappeared from around Kelly and Spike, with an interior of Everybody Eats, which resembled a 50’s diner in the section they sat in, but other sections were like different types of eateries such as classic Italian or Japanese.

Kelly smiled as she tapped her fingers on the table.

Spike smirked briefly and waved over a waiter. Cantus casually walked to their table.

Kelly gawked. “You’re the waiter?” she asked the laid-back Fraggle Minstrel.

Cantus nodded. “You were expecting someone else?” he asked with a smirk.

Kelly nodded. “Well, actually – uh, yeah.”

Cantus handed the two menus. “A fine meal is like your inner song – beautiful and nutritious as long as it agrees with you.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you mean it’ll agree wit’ you if it’s beautiful an’ nutritious?”

Cantus shrugged. “Let me know if there’s a difference,” he replied as he turned and walked offstage.

Spike watched him walk away and glanced at Kelly. “You sure know how ta pick ‘em.”

Kelly grinned. “Let’s get down to business. I need a dramatic end, but Kathy the Director refused a bunch of violence.” She shrugged. “That means we can’t copy the Disney version.”

“What about dat Terminator chick’s version?”

Kelly shook her head. “Her character was murdered.” She pointed at Roosevelt Franklin. “I realize the only real kid watching is some ADHD demon of a kid,” she said, laughing playfully with a wink, “but we have to keep this suitable for all ages.”

Spike chuckled. “I t’ink we crossed dat bridge long ago, toots.” He cleared his throat, his face and tone more serious. “I t’ink da real reason we’re here is because we both are lookin’ for somethin’ we ain’t found yet.”

“Something sweet,” Kelly noted as their drinks were delivered.

“In her right mind,” Spike added, nodding as he took a gulp of a brown drink with bubbles spilling out over the brim.

“Why am I in love with males who are unrefined?” Kelly asked, shrugging.

Spike sighed. “But dey all gripe, it’d be a chore --.”

Kelly and Spike concluded in unison, “—to look for something there that wasn’t there before.”

Spike nodded as Cantus brought a thick steak and mashed potatoes. He looked at Kelly warily. “We ain’t singin’ again, are we? We just did dat in da last scene.”

Kelly nodded. “I agree endless songs are incredibly irritating. Although, songs for musicals are supposed to advance the plot. They’re just speeches set to music, you know.” She sighed as she accepted a hamburger and fries from Cantus. “I just want to have an awesome conclusion, but open enough to permit certain sequel opportunities.”

“How did da movie end?”

Kelly shrugged and gulped down a bite of her meal. “Typical Disney ending: villain takes a nose dive even though there’s no body while everybody’s celebrating.”

Spike chuckled. “Did you really expect ‘em to leave da body dere?” he asked. “You gotta get rid o’ da mess eventually.”

Kelly sat there pensively for a moment. “This is a psychological metaphor, isn’t it? Red’s been harassing me to get one, but really it’s the plot itself that is a metaphor for my general sense of incompleteness and social isolation.”

Spike tapped his fingers on the table. “Can we move da scene along? We’ve switched from Disney ta Kevin Smith.”

“But,” Kelly protested, “if we fall in love with each other, then that sends the message that we should just abandon our friends and family and risk complete obliteration just to be in love. This isn’t exactly Shakespeare, where self-destructive relationships are seen as powerful and important instead of just really, really stupid. Do we have to leave our homes to find happiness?” She shook her head. “Did Catherine leave her job and move down into the sewers with Vincent? Did she forsake humanity to spend time with him?”

Spike stared at her. “Soooo, what you’re saying is – you don’t like the clingy male types.”

Kelly sighed. “I’m just saying that it may make for good drama, but false dichotomies make characters do unrealistic and intellectually offensive things.”

Spike smiled, snapping his fingers. “I got da perfect idea for a close.”

Kelly gulped.

As Kelly got up and left the stage, the scene transformed to the interior of a talk show set. The back wall was painted to look like bricks. Spike was now seated in the middle of the stage with an empty chair beside him. Several metal stools popped up out of the ground on the edges of the stage and the Sinclair family, Roy Hess, Red and Cantus, and Grover took their places.

“Flee-eet! Flee-eet! Flee-eet!” the crowd cheered, pumping their fists.

A blue and white sign saying “FLEET SCRIBBLER” appeared on the “brick” wall.

Spike waved at the crowd to liven them up.

Fleet Scribbler, with a gray mullet and purple sunglasses, twirled onto the stage to loud applause. “Today on the show we’re blessed to have a dinosaur who traveled through time due to the machinations of Muppet Labs, only to find himself lonely and without a purpose in life --.”

“Actually, I became a park ranger,” Spike interjected.

Totally ignoring him, Fleet continued talking to the audience. “He kept asking himself, ‘how do I find real happiness?’” He shrugged. “Well, it turns out he walked out on his organized criminal family to fall in love with a human being with delusions of grandeur.”

Spike frowned. “Now wait a minute --.”

“Let’s get a chance to talk to the other side of this romantic-yet-oddly-disturbing relationship, shall we?”

Fleet’s name was chanted for a few moments as Kelly cautiously walked onto the stage from stage right, glancing around nervously.

Kelly glared at Spike. “You put us on a trashy talk show?” Her face reddened. “That was your perfect idea?”

Spike leaned back, putting his hands up. “I’m starting ta t’ink dis wasn’t one o’ my bettah plans.”

Fleet shoved a microphone near Kelly. “And how does it make you feel to know you’ll be chastised for all eternity for breaking social taboos?” he asked as the crowd angrily agreed.

Kelly slapped the microphone away. She marched up to the audience, pointing at them angrily. “Why do we even have tales of enchanted relationships if you’re just going to gripe when someone actually lives out the moral?” she barked at them. “The whole point is to not judge people based on their looks, or even their attitudes! The mon – the non-humans turn human at the end because they were loved to the extent that they became fully realized characters! It may be offensive to non-humans that the creature turns human, unless you’re watching Shrek, but since it’s a relationship between two ogres, the point is still that the transformed person is just a metaphor for someone you see for who they really are inside!” She stomped closer to Spike, who looked uneasy, and continued her rant. “There is no magical transformation here! No dramatic light show! I was born a human and I’ll stay a human. Spike’s a dinosaur and he’ll never stop being one. We actually do appreciate each other for who we are! We just don’t require some special-effects metaphor to express it!”

“But what are your kids gonna look like?” Earl asked, disgusted. “Dinosaurs with tufts of fur? Humans with scales on their head instead of hair? Ewww.”

Kelly growled. “Not that it’s any of your business, but there isn’t a snowball’s chance we’re going to have kids!”

“But children are our future,” Fran noted.

Kelly nodded. “And dinosaurs did a real bang up job on that, right? If it hadn’t been for a fluke of technology, all of you would be in my gas tank right now. Don’t lecture me about how wonderful and rational y’all are.” She stopped as she felt a strong hand on her shoulder, reaching around to her waist in a protective one-armed hug. She didn’t even have to look up to know Spike was behind her.

Spike nodded. “There’s more ta life dan what I been told. Life’s more dan makin’ eggs an’ payin’ bills.”

“Spoken like a kid who’s never worked for a living,” Earl mumbled.

“Shh,” Red hushed.

Spike clutched at Kelly tighter. “Dere’s also companionship wit’ someone who can put up wit’ ya. Dere’s havin’ someone who enjoys da fact you came home.”

“What’s the big deal? Dogs do that all the time!” Earl groused.

Spike shook his head. “Da fact is dat you ain’t da boss o’ me. You can’t stay da hand o’ destiny, but da t’ing is … we’re da hands o’ destiny. If life ain’t fair, it’s only ‘cause we let it stay dat way.” He turned Kelly around gently and caressed her hair. “You – came back.”

Kelly stared at Spike. “Dude … I’ve been here nearly the entire time.”

Spike smiled, nodding. “I know. Still, we’re at da last leg o’ da story, an’ dat’s how dis stuff started in da Broadway version.”

Kelly smiled, chuckling. “If only we’d come together sooner.”

Spike stared at her lovingly. “At least, we got a chance ta make it, dis time.” He inhaled as he sang, “We are home. We are where we shall be … forevah.”

Kelly nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. “Trust in me – for you know I won’t run awaaayyyy.”

Cantus stood and continued the song gently, “So, today, you find all that you need, all that you need to saaaay. See how you’ve changed … each other … do you both fin’ly see … you are home ….”

Kelly and Spike nodded, smiling. “You’re my home,” they sang in unison. “Stay with meeeeee.”

They shared a kiss. Some in the audience gasped. Some chuckled. Several handfuls of money changed hands in both the on-stage and off-stage audiences.

Spike and Kelly faced the audiences as sparkles of light filled the air. They sang triumphantly. “Two lives have begun now! Two lives become one, now – one passion, one dream, one thing forever true,” they continued as they hugged each other, “I love yooooouuuuuu.”

The on-stage audience stood and faced the off-stage audience and joined in the song, shrugging as they accepted the new status quo. “Certain as the sun, rises in the east – tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme – Dino and the Beast – tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme – Dino and the Beast!” As the song stopped, the actors bowed to the applause of the crowd.

After the play, everyone met at the real Everybody Eats. Roy and Spike were at a buffet bar, Spike getting Roy’s tray as Roy’s arms were too short to hold one.

Roy whispered, “Does she know dat you switched places wit’ dat uddah Spike?”

Spike shook his head. “Nope – an’ she don’t have ta know, neither.”

“You’d base your new relationship on dishonesty?” Roy asked in disbelief.

Spike glared at him. “’Ey – dat uddah me is wrapped up in a sea o’ self-pity an’ rage, what wit’ some psycho sorceress tryin’ ta kill ‘im an’ all da survivors of his world,” he hissed. “Kell don’t need all dat baggage. I got a good payin’ job, I’m more emotionally secure, an’ I ain’t gotta go t’rough no magic portals ta come see her.” He sighed and shrugged. “Besides, it was his idea. He just couldn’t handle da ups and downs of a relationship no more.” He glared at Roy again. “She’s nevah gonna know, comprende?”

Roy nodded. “Still,” he replied softly, “seems a shame ta me.”

THE END