Where to begin?
21, never had a girlfriend, always wanted one. Always liked girls who were taken or didn't like me, or both. Had some near misses, where if I had acted sooner or been a little bolder, I might've wound up with a girlfriend. Seriously, my senior year of high school, twice in just under a month, I was pursuing a blonde, blue-eyed girl who seemed to show interest, asked her out (but didn't set a specific date- problem #1) she said yes or what seemed to be yes, then 4 days later she went out with another guy and hooked up with him on the spot, and I found out about it on the last Monday of the month, at lunch, in the auditorium. And that situation, exactly as I've described, happened TWICE, in ONE MONTH.
College has made it even more interesting. Liked one girl who had same astrological sign and likes the Muppets, but had a bf of 3 years who was likely to be a fiancee before long. This year alone I liked a girl who turned out to be bisexual with a girlfriend, and there was a widowed single mother who had a crush on me- her first "schoolgirl crush" since 10th grade- but I wasn't interested in her. Oh, and in high school there was a friend of mine who I was nice to and whose parents weren't around much. I made her laugh. I listened. She called me every day just to talk, just to hear my voice. She told me about her suicide attempt. She asked my advice on everything, like I was her parent. And one day she told me she loved me, and I had to tell her I didn't feel the same way and she cried. And I had a bad feeling, and my parents were on vacation. And she made another suicide attempt the next morning. She dated someone else for a while, luckily, and they became engaged. Then I happened to see her at a party once. She went to hug me, and as she did I felt a strange sensation like someone was biting my shoulder (yikes!) and she spent the evening hanging around me and ignoring her boyfriend, much to his chagrin. Sorry to unload all of that, but it makes an interesting story.
Latest story was yesterday. There's this girl I had a writing class with, and I would've asked her out then only she had a bf, and I swore if she broke up with him I wouldn't pass her up. Well, they did break up in mid-November, and for sensitivity's sake I waited a little while before making my move. We were supposed to have lunch over the Christmas break, but she had car trouble at the last minute. So we met yesterday morning for an hour, and things were going fine, until I walked her back to her class and she mentioned she was "kinda, sorta seeing someone, not sure where it's going". Now I anticipated this as a possibility but I guess I wasn't ACTUALLY prepared for it. Still, after thinking about it I figured I still had a chance, given how uncertain she sounded, and so I asked her to a movie. Her response was she's "sorta seeing someone, and everything is so far so good" but maybe we could work something out later. Sounds like I won't be in the picture until he's out of it- which may or may not happen. Why am I feeling like I missed the boat again? Conflicting advice- I asked my cousin about it, told her how long they had dated and how long ago it was, and she said "Ya might wanna wait". Well, I did but she didn't (and in a sense I was pushing for this- meeting up with her, that is- for a while, as we hadn't seen each other for months. That's another strange thing- her old email account got plugged up, and a week after the breakup she emails me with her new address. Well, I guess it was a coincidence. Now I just have to figure out whether I should talk to her about my feelings and ask her what hers are for me, to find out if I have a chance at all or ever did).
Okay, now I'm upset again.
I'm one of the most sensitive, courteous guys I know, but I'm shy and tend not to be heard. I guess I'm well-liked by most people I know, I don't make enemies easily. I can be pretty funny, and I'm often told how nice a person I am (of course sometimes that's a one-way ticket to being labeled "just a friend"). I don't think I'm so bad-looking, either (when I saw "Good Will Hunting" for the first time, one thing we all noticed was how much I look like Matt Damon, just with darker hair). I dunno, I get the feeling like I'm missing something, and all girls who look at me can see what it is that makes them not interested in me but they won't tell me what it is.
Hmm, guess I just needed an outpouring.
I've always been kind of a loner, but I'm liking it less and less. I don't know why I want something so badly that I've never had. I feel like there's a stigma attached to it. Sometimes I feel like it means I'm worth having as a friend, but I'm worth no more. Or maybe my Abraham Lincoln profile is as bad as I think it is in my most neurotic moments.
Argh, today was one of those days I felt like putting a pistol in my mouth. Tomorrow will probably be better, but it's going to be a while before I'm back thinking of someone new. And then it happens all over again.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
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