Fozzie's joke: "Hey, that Gonzo is SO dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water, so he wants us to dilute it!"

CURTAIN

Kermit welcomes us to the show wearing a striped suit and a straw hat, and informs us that this week's guest is the "beautiful and vivacious Connie Stevens". He also introduces us to another friend of his, Lydia.

SONG: "LYDIA, THE TATTOOED LADY"

The curtains open and Kermit is standing in front of a very Vaudevillesque set (the same set as "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear"), with Rowlf and Animal in the background playing piano and drums, respectively. Kermit starts singing about his friend, Lydia the Tattooed Lady. A female pig with red hair, glasses and tattoos all over her body pops up and dances while Kermit sings. Lydia flirts with him and kisses him repeatedly when Kermit finishes the song. [This song is available on the original Muppet Show album and Rowlf the Dog: Ol' Brown Ears Is Back.]

IN THE WINGS

Kermit meets a jealous Miss Piggy.

Piggy decks him.

BACKSTAGE

Gonzo the Great is chasing Hilda, the old wardrobe woman, around and pestering her to mend his old beat-up teddy bear. Hilda refuses, saying Gonzo is too old for a teddy bear.

Gonzo persists, but Hilda stands by her position. Fozzie overhears Hilda's declaration that the bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in the theater.

SWEDISH CHEF [debut]

The Swedish Chef is making meatballs. He accidentally drops a meatball and it bounces! He bounces a few more on the counter, and they bounce, too! Chef: "So, de beency bouncy burger, eh?" He decides to serve them with a tennis racquet. [This "recipe" was also used in the 1979 special "The Muppets Go Hollywood".]

BALCONY

The Swedish Chef sends them out into the audience and Statler Statler volleys the meatball back.

BACKSTAGE

Wayne and Wanda are standing outside the dressing rooms upstairs, and Wayne complains that they have no spot to sing on tonight's show. Wanda observes that the stage is empty and Wayne says this is their chance. Guest star Connie Stevens appears and listens to their conversation. Wanda says that now is the time for the Connie Stevens spot, so they can't go on. Wayne gets furious.

Wayne and Wanda quickly rush into their dressing room. Connie descends the stairs and meets Kermit (now changed into tux), who remarks that the song she is about to sing is one he doesn't ever remember hearing. Connie says it's a very special song, dedicated to her old high school sweetheart, Jimmy MacAffee. She recalls her days in the 50s of sitting in his car and singing this song.

Connie asks where the back-up group Kermit had gotten her was. Three large shaggy monsters with pink fur and orange hair rush by in tuxedos. Kermit informs her that they are her back-up group.

CURTAIN

Kermit introduces Connie Stevens and the Mutations with a 50's style disc jockey intro.

SONG: "TEENAGER IN LOVE"

Connie is wearing a poodle skirt and singing, with the Mutations grunting and "aah"ing in the back. They try to drown her out and upstage her, but Connie's dedication and persistence prevails.

[The Mutations will become a part of the opening theme at the bottom of the archway in season 2.]

BACKSTAGE

Gonzo asks Kermit his opinion on his bear (while Fozzie listens, of course). Kermit says it is the worst and he wants to get rid of it.

AT THE DANCE

Regular Laugh-In type jokes. All the members of Electric Mayhem are dancing except Floyd; Zoot with Janice, Dr. Teeth with Mildred, and Animal with an unlucky girl. Also on the floor, Mahna Mahna dances with Miss Mousey (from the The Muppets Valentine Show).

UK SPOT: SONG - "AIN'T MISBEHAVIN'"

Floyd sings, Janice and Zoot play. [Note: This was most likely recorded later when the show was being reworked since Jerry Nelson, who was unavailable during the initial taping dates, contributes an uncredited performance as Floyd, using the same bass voice that he uses during the "Mr. Bassman" number in the Mummenschanz episode.]

TALK SPOT

Kermit and Connie are sitting at the Talk Spot couch (the only time Kermit's regular set piece is replaced with a loveseat), and saying that they are glad they're finally alone together. As is Muppet tradition, they express it in song.

SONG: "CLOSE TO YOU"

Connie begins to croon to Kermit, but Fozzie appears and starts harmonizing with her. Kermit is none too pleased. They eventually all join in and sing together.

BACKSTAGE

Fozzie is packing in his dressing room. He isn't needed, he sniffs. Suddenly, he overhears Gonzo and Scooter talking about "the bear" outside the door. Scooter says he likes the bear and that he laughs and laughs every time he sees him. Fozzie likes what he hears! Gonzo says that Kermit thinks they should get a new one. There is a pause and Scooter says, "Yeah, well that'd be nice, too!"

SONG: "SAX AND VIOLENCE"

Zoot is standing alone in a darkened room with a music stand. Nigel, the orchestra pit conductor, walks in and asks Zoot if he's ready to start playing. Zoot has reservations.

A jazzy rift starts to play and Zoot examines his music. At the end of every measure, lets out a solitary note on his sax. Mahna Mahna enters with a bell and starts to play instead of Zoot. Mahna Mahna starts to hit Zoot's sax and even Zoot's face! Zoot finally blows his sax with such force that it explodes Mahna off the stage.

(This classic is on the original 1977 Muppet Show Album and Muppet Hits from 1993.)

CURTAIN

Kermit introduces Gonzo the Great.

Gonzo plays the 1812 Overture on the violin while growing a tomato plant. The tomato plant starts to grow, but runs amok, picking up Gonzo, Hilda and Scooter and carrying them away.

BACKSTAGE

Fozzie bids a tearful farewell to a baffled Kermit. Gonzo interrupts saying, "If the bear goes, I go". Fozzie is touched by his loyalty.

Kermit explains to Fozzie that everyone was talking about Gonzo's teddy bear and tells them they can both stay. Gonzo and Fozzie celebrate.

NEWSMAN [debut]

The Newsman tells us that they will be receiving a hotline call from Washington, D.C. He picks up the red phone, but drops it, burning himself ("That is hot!").

CURTAIN

Kermit, introduces two dear friends, Ernie and Bert! Ernie feels totally comfortable onstage, but Bert is scared, saying that this is different from Sesame Street ("This is a big time variety show!"). Ernie reassures him, telling him he is a suave and sophisticated showman. Bert says that Ernie is just saying that and will soon comment on his pointy head and floppy arms. Ernie admits that Bert's head is pointy, and his arms are a bit floppy, and, also, his nose is still loose. After replacing Bert's nose, Ernie takes him off screen and turns him into a suave, sophisticated showman, complete with tux, top hat and cane. Bert feels the urge... the urge to sing!!

SONG: "SOME ENCHANTED EVENING"

A sweeping backdrop falls in behind Bert, complete with a grand staircase. At the top, Connie is wearing a flowing dress. She descends as Bert sings to her and they dance a passionate dance, Bert letting his hair down as never before. Connie runs back up the staircase as Bert, finishes singing and the backdrop falls out of focus. Ernie comes back on and Bert comes down to reality.

GOODNIGHTS

Kermit invites Connie onstage and gives her a Muppet likeness of herself. Connie says she had a great time, but is cut short by Gonzo's tomato plant, which wraps around her and carries her off.

This and the Juliet Prowse episode do not feature any Muppets beside Kermit and the star likeness coming out for goodnights.

CLOSING THEME