OK, I gave it a try.
My pirate name is:
Black Jack Read
Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Even though many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the stereotypes. You've got taste and education. Arr!
I'm still trying to decide if Read should be pronounced like "red" or "read." Semantic differences are so important, you know