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This project has been sitting one sketch away from completion for nearly 11 months! (Next week would've made eleven). Been talking about it lately and I finally decided to just finish it.
For those of you who liked the Rex Harrison outline by TravellingMatt and myself, here is the fully expanded script that I wrote from September to November of last year, and finished just minutes ago. Ladies and gentlemen:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Rex Harrison! YAAAAAYYY!!!!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: REX HARRISON
STYLE: SEASON FIVE (circa Roger Moore episode)
COLD OPENING: Pops is playing with a yo-yo when the door opens.
Rex Harrison enters.
Pops: “Oh! Who’re you?”
Rex: “I’m Rex Harrison. I’m to be the guest star on tonight’s show.”
Pops: “Oh, Rex Harrison! Great! Boy, having you here’ll really class up the show.”
Rex: “Why do you say that?”
Lew Zealand’s boomerang fish goes by, and Lew follows after it, laughing.
Lew: “Hey, good one Roderick!”
Gonzo enters, wrestling a snake that‘s wrapped around him.
Gonzo: “Aaah! No you don’t! I’ve got you right where I want you! D’aaaaaahhhh!”
The snake brings him down. Sweetums zooms by on roller skates, obviously out of control.
Sweetums: “Whoa! Whoaaa! Whooooaaaaaa!!!!”
He skates out of the shot, then circles back and grabs on to Rex to try and stop, but ends up picking him up and carrying him away by accident.
Sweetums & Rex: “Aaaaaahhh!!!”
Pops: “Typical. Some stars just get carried away on this show!”
CRASH!
OPENING THEME
Gonzo: fireworks come out of the trumpet as the lights go out
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to another Muppet Show! Tonight’s a special one because our guest star is none other than that great star of stage and screen, the wonderful Mr. Rex Harrison!” (APPLAUSE) “But first-”
Sweetums: “Whoa! Whoaaaaa!!!!!!!”
Sweetums skates by, out of control, and still carrying Rex.
Kermit: “Hey! Watch out! Put him down, quick, before you run into the-”
CRASH!
Kermit: “Light tree.”
Rex enters, woozy.
Kermit: “Rex! Are you okay?”
Rex: “A bit shaken up, but I seem to be in one piece.”
Kermit: “Do you want to see our doctor?”
Rex: “I’ve seen your doctor- I’ll take my chances!”
Kermit: “Well, do you feel like you can still go on?”
Rex: “Yes, I’m fine, really.”
Statler: “Uh-oh! You’ll regret that!”
Waldorf: “Yeah, you’re letting the perfect escape slip through your fingers!”
Kermit: “Those are our two hecklers. Just try to ignore them.”
Rex: “I’m doing that already.”
Sweetums rolls by.
Sweetums: “WHOA! WHOA!”
CRASH!
Rex: “Why is he doing that, anyway?”
Kermit: “He’s got a date tonight at the roller rink and he’s trying to brush up his technique.”
Rex: “It would take a brush the size of Mongolia for that man to brush up his technique. Can’t, ah, his lady friend help him?”
Kermit: “Nope. She’s got three left feet.”
Rex (he does a take): “Until I arrived here, I’d have thought that unusual. Well, I’m off to rest a while in my dressing room.”
Kermit: “All right.”
Rex exits.
Kermit: “Okay, uh before Rex performs, we have a very special treat for you. After his sabbatical pilgrimage to his homeland of Transylvania, we are- proud?- to welcome back the Muppet company’s answer to Vincent Price, ladies and gentlemen, the musical stylings of our own Phantom of the Muppet Show, Uncle Deadly! Yaaaaayyyyy!”
OPENING NUMBER: “Oh What a Beautiful Morning”- Uncle Deadly sits in a gloomy old castle, in a big red easy chair. The place is dark and filled with strange antiques and various cobwebs. The walls are cold and stony, with a bit of a blue light on them. There are shelves with ancient books, medieval weapons hung with care on the walls, a few photos of monsters (family members?) and a spike-filled sarcophagus leaning on one of the walls. We can hear a thunderstorm outside and see a dark, stormy sky and barren tree branches outside the window. Uncle Deadly sits, peacefully taking in this lovely thunderstorm in his wonderfully gloomy surroundings.
UD (singing): “There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow”
He gets up.
UD: “The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
And it looks like it's climbing clear up to the sky.”
Uncle Deadly starts strolling, stage right, across the set, nearing his lab equipment and revealing the stage right wall, with its bookshelves. He sways back and forth even with the melody.
UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feeling
Ev'rything's going my way.”
Uncle Deadly comes upon his cow skeleton, upstage of him, and he moves up to it.
UD: “All the cattle are standing like statues
All the cattle are standing like statues”
He removes the cow skull, holding it like Hamlet held the skull of Yorick.
UD: “They don't turn their heads as they see me go by,
But a little brown mav'rick is winking her eye.”
During the next chorus he throws the head away, out of the shot.
UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feeling
Ev'rything's going my way.”
Uncle Deadly turns left, to the window.
UD: “All the sounds of the earth are like music”
Thunder clap.
UD: “All the sounds of the earth are like music”
The wind kicks in a little more.
UD: “The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree,”
The tree outside his window falls over.
UD: “And a ol' weeping willow is laughing at me!”
Uncle Deadly starts moving back downstage, to the foreground, as the music syncopates under his vocals. He sways and bops to the music full force now, sort of doing a little dance.
UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feeling
Ev'rything's going my way.
Oh, what a beautiful day!” (APPLAUSE)
S & W (singing): “Oh what a horrible number! Oh what a horrible day! We’ve got a horrible feeling, Deadly’s no Gordon MacRae! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Canteen: Rex sits at a table, with chickens milling around in the background. Two of the fifth season Frackles are eating at another table, and one starts eating the table. Uncle Deadly enters and comes up to Rex.
UD: “Ah, a hearty hello to you, Mr. Harrison! Such a pleasure to have you with us on the show!”
Rex: “Why thank you Mr. um-”
UD: “I am Uncle Deadly! I just wanted to say that I’ve seen every one of your murder mystery films. Um, by the way, you wouldn’t happen to have hung on to any of the bodies from those films, have you? I’m in need of a few cadavers for scientific research.”
Rex: “Um, well actually no one was truly killed in those pictures. They were just movies, after all.”
UD: “Oh well. All the same, enjoy yourself on the show, and, uh, do try not to be jealous of the adoration I get from my public. Toodle-oo!”
Scooter walks by.
Rex: “Oh Scooter!”
Scooter: “Yes, Mr. Harrison?”
Rex: “I need to ask a favor of you.”
Scooter: “Well, that’s what I’m here for!”
Rex: “I need you to find my Penguin.”
Scooter: “Your what?”
Rex: “My Penguin. My Penguin Books edition of Pygmalion.”
Scooter: “Pygmalion?”
Rex: “Yes. You know that “My Fair Lady” was based upon George Bernard Shaw’s “Pygmalion”. When I was in rehearsals for it on Broadway, I always kept the book with me. I brought it with me this evening and now it seems I’ve misplaced it.”
Scooter: “Ohhh, I get it. I’ll search high and low for ya!”
Rex: “Thank you, very much.”
Scooter goes to look upstairs. Rex looks at his watch.
Rex: “This is ridiculous. I have to go on in a few minutes! Waitress! Where’s my wine?”
Rizzo: “How’s this?” (Whines) “Aw, but I don’t wanna do my homework! Pretty good, huh?”
Rex: “Waitress!”
Gladys: “Pipe down, I’m coming!”
Rex: “Where’s my wine?”
Gladys: “Here!”
Rex: “What vintage is this?”
Gladys: “Huh?”
Rex: “In what year was it made?”
Gladys (looks at watch): “About 15 minutes ago.”
Rex: “Well, it looks all right.”
Rex sips.
Gladys: “It should! I stomped the grapes myself!”
Rex spits out the wine.
Rex: “No, no, it won’t do.”
Gladys: “Won’t do what?”
Rex: “Take it back. Bring me a different bottle.”
Gladys: “Where d’ya think you are, the Ritz Carlson? This is the only bottle we got!”
Rex: “No white robolo? No theotaki aspri?”
Gladys: “Listen, Lord Schmaltzy Pants, you can talk till doomsday; this is the only bottle we got!”
She takes it and starts walking away.
Rex: “What else can I expect from a frumpy, squawking old baggage?”
Gladys: “WHAT?! WHY YOU-”
Gladys throws the wine bottle, just as Rex ducks and Scooter enters.
Scooter: “Mr. Harrison! I checked upstairs and no one’s seen-”
CRASH! The bottle hits him and knocks him out.
Gladys: “...Oops. Poor kid. What did he want?”
Rex: “I sent him to look for my Penguin.”
Gladys: “You got a license to keep ‘em?”
Rex: “No, no, I was referring to my Penguin Books edition of Pygmalion”.
Gladys: “Well it’s a surprise to me. I didn’t even know penguins could read!”
Rex gives her a funny look, then looks at the camera.
SONG: “Suffragette City”- the Electric Mayhem plays and sings in their bandstand set; the lighting behind them is red, yellow, and black. Clockwise from top: Animal, at top behind drum riser, Lips, on mid-level riser, right to left: Zoot, Janice, and Floyd on the bottom level, and Dr. Teeth on the screen left mid-level riser.
ALL (except Floyd, for all the verses): Hey man!
Floyd: Ah leave me alone you know
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: Well Henry, get off the phone, I gotta
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: I gotta straighten my face
This mellow chick just put my spine out of place
Janice smacks Floyd’s back with the head of her guitar
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: My school day's insane
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: My work's down the drain
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: Well she's a total blam-blam
She said she had to have me but she... then she...
(CHORUS)
ALL (including Floyd, for all the choruses): Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
ALL: Oh don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
Floyd: You know my Suffragette City
Is outta sight...she's all right
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: Ah Henry, don't be unkind, go away
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: I can't take you this time, no way
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: D-droogie don't crash here
There's only room for one and here she comes, here she comes
ALL: Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
ALL: Don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
Floyd: You know my Suffragette City
ALL: Is outta sight...she's all right
(Instrumental break)
Floyd: “Oh hit me!”
ALL: Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
ALL: Oh don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
Floyd: You know my Suffragette City
ALL: Is outta sight...she's all right
Dr. Teeth: Yeah-yeah!
Floyd: A Suffragette City
Zoot: Huh?
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
Janice: Fer sure!
Floyd: Ooo A Suffragette city
Lips: Woo-hah!
Floyd: A Suffragette
(Bass guitar lick)
Animal (yelling, unintelligible): “Ahhh, Wham Bam Thank Ya Ma'am!”
Floyd: A Suffragette City, a Suffragette City
Oh my Suffragette City, oh my Suffragette City
Ah, Suffragette
(Bass guitar lick again)
ALL (Floyd included): Suffragette! (APPLAUSE)
Dressing Room: Rex is sitting in his dressing room listening to classical and reading literature, when Beauregard enters.
Bo: "Mr. Harrison, may I come in?"
Rex: "Yes, Beauregard. I was just losing myself in some Mozart."
Bo: "Uh, where did you want to go?"
Rex: "No, no, Beauregard, it's only a figure of speech. I was saying that I was so overcome by this music's beauty that I got lost in it."
Bo: "Oh. I got lost in Hoboken once. It wasn't fun."
Rex: “Yes well, what can I do for you, Beauregard?”
Bo: “Uh, actually I wanted to know what I could do for you. You see, downstairs they told me that Scooter was about to do you a favor before he got sent home with a bump on his head, and I wanted to know what it was you needed.”
Rex: “Oh! I appreciate that. Well, I had asked Scooter to find my Penguin.”
Bo: “Okay! I’ll find your penguin!”
Rex: “Thank you.”
Bo leaves.
Rex: “Nice, nice fellow.”
Backstage: Sam the Eagle stands at the desk with Kermit.
Sam: “Oh, Kermit! I’m so glad that we have the brilliant, erudite Rex Harrison on our show this week.”
Kermit: “Uh, as am I, Sam.”
Sam: “Pray tell, what is the incomparable Mr. Harrison going to do for his first act?”
Kermit: “Uh, Rex is going to reprise one of his classic songs from My Fair Lady.”
Kermit exits, as an Audrey Hepburn look-alike Whatnot goes to the stage... followed by something covered in a sheet with a face crudely drawn on it.
Sam: “Oh! My Fair Lady! At last, culture and dignity! My Fair Lady. (to camera) That’s my favorite Tennessee Williams play.”
He backs off and looks toward the stage.
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Ah ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the world’s classiest and most talented performers. Here he is with a song from one of his most famous roles, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Rex Harrison! Yaaaaaayyyyy!”
SONG: “I’ve Grown Accustomed to her Face”- Rex sits on an easy chair (Stage Right) in an English drawing room set not unlike the sets from “My Fair Lady”, and a female Whatnot (who bears some resemblance to Audrey Hepburn’s Eliza Doolittle) sits on a couch (Mid Center), next to a piece of furniture covered in a white sheet with the face drawn on it. Rex sings, directly to the audience, referring to the girl. The girl hams it up in the background, posing and posturing.
Rex (singing): “I’ve grown accustomed to her face!
She almost makes the day begin.
I’ve grown accustomed to the tune
She whistles night and noon.
Her smiles. Her frowns.
Her ups, her downs
Are second nature to me now"
The sheet over the piece of furniture starts to disappear, like it’s being sucked inside of whatever it’s covering.
Rex: "Like breathing out and breathing in.
I was serenely independent and content before we met.
Surely I can always be that way again-
And yet
I’ve grown accustomed to her looks,
Accustomed to her voice;
Accustomed...”
The sheet disappears, revealing Luncheon Counter Monster, who starts looking over the girl.
Rex: “...To her face.”
The girl looks at Luncheon Counter Monster, unnoticing, and looks away, then double takes in horror. She starts shaking, as he grabs her by the head and starts gobbling her up. Rex continues singing unaware, as the girl struggles while being eaten.
Rex: “But I’m so used to hear her say “Good morning” ev’ry day.
Her joys, her woes,
Her highs, her lows,
Are second nature to me now"
Rex looks back toward the girl, but instead sees her legs hanging out of the monster’s mouth, and disappearing quickly. He’s horrified.
Rex: “Like breathing out and breathing in.”
LCM comes over to Rex, looking over him curiously.
Rex: “I’m very grateful-”
LCM grabs Rex’s arm.
Rex: “Stop that! Um, and so easy to forget-”
LCM tries to eat Rex’s arm.
Rex (nervous): “Rather like a habit
One can always break and yet,”
On the word “yet” Rex pulls his arm away. He starts backing away from LCM.
Rex: “I’ve grown accustomed to the trace...”
LCM comes back over and starts eating Rex’s arm again.
Rex: “Of something in the air;
Accustomed to her face.” (APPLAUSE)
Rex tries to get away from LCM, and ends up dragging LCM offstage with him.
Waldorf: “Ah that Rex Harrison is a great entertainer.”
Statler: “Oh, indeed.”
Waldorf: “What did you think of that number?”
Statler: “Well, frankly I couldn’t stomach it.”
S & W: “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
Backstage: Sam and Kermit are in shock, having watched the previous number. Rex comes back from onstage, still trying to get away from LCM.
Rex: “Kermit! Somebody! I could use some help! Get away!”
LCM is still trying to bite Rex.
Sam: “You! You get away! How dare you!”
Rex: “Thanks very much.”
Sam: “Oh Mr. Harrison, I’m deeply sorry that this- THING got on stage. I’ve been so looking forward to your gracing us with your presence on this distasteful program...” (He turns to LCM) “AND YOU! You had to go and ruin that wonderful number! It was a debacle, thanks to you! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”
Sam turns around while LCM pauses. LCM looks at Sam for a moment, looks at the camera, then turns and bites Sam.
Sam: “Aaaaaaahhh!!!!!”
Sam runs away, still screaming, with LCM chasing him.
Rex: “Shouldn’t we help him?”
Kermit: “Hmm, I’ll think it over.”
Sweetums (off camera): “Whoa!”
Sam (off camera): “What the? Aaaaahhhh!!!”
Sweetums rushes by on his skates, still out of control, but this time he’s holding onto Sam! They’re both still screaming as they roll out of the shot, toward the stage.
Rex: “Well, at least he’s safe now.”
Kermit: “Yeah, from one thing if not another.”
CRASH!
Kermit and Rex both look in the direction of the crash.
VET'S HOSPITAL: Piggy is powdering her nose as the announcer speaks.
Announcer: “And now, Veterinarians’ Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.”
Piggy: “Dr. Bob, are you ready for your next patient?”
Rowlf: “I don’t know. Something smells fishy.”
Janice: “Well that’s no surprise.”
She pulls back the sheet to reveal Lew Zealand.
Lew: “Aw, that’s just Cedric. I told him to wash up before going onstage.”
Rowlf: “Well, what seems to be the problem?”
Lew: “Cynthia.”
Rowlf: “I’m a doctor, not a marriage counselor.”
Janice: “And we’re not even sure about the doctor part!”
Rowlf: “Oooo!”
Lew: “No, no. I’m not the one who’s sick! My fish, Cynthia, is!”
Rowlf: “Oh! Well why didn’t you say so?”
Janice: “What do you think, Dr. Bob?”
Rowlf: “I’m not sure. Hand me a scalpel!”
Janice: “What for?”
Rowlf: “Oh just for the halibut! Let‘s see what we’ve got here.”
Lew: “That’s not Cynthia! That’s Cynthia’s brother, Francis.”
Rowlf: “Oh, so she’s her brother’s kipper?”
Piggy: “Oh, Dr. Bob! Did you make that joke by accident?”
Rowlf: “No, I did it on porpoise!”
Lew: “Give it to me straight, Doc! How is she?”
Rowlf: “Frankly, I think she’s floundering!”
Lew: “Will she ever play the piano again?”
Rowlf: “A fish that plays the piano? I don’t believe it!”
Piggy: “Why not?”
Rowlf: “Because you can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish! Maybe you should teach her to sing instead.”
Lew: “What could she sing?”
Rowlf: “How about, (sings) salmon chanted evening...”
Janice: “Boy, Dr. Bob, you sure can go on about fish!”
Rowlf: “Well, that’s because I’ve got a lot of sole!”
Announcer: “And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians’ Hospital. Tune in next week when we’ll hear Nurse Janice say-”
Janice: “Dr. Bob, you haven’t helped this patient at all!”
Rowlf: “Well I can always refer him to someone else.”
Janice: “Who?”
Rowlf: “This guy right here!”
He holds up one of Lew’s fish.
Piggy: “Dr. Bob, you want the fish to do the operating?”
Rowlf: “Sure! He’s a first-rate sturgeon!”
They all laugh as the end music plays. (APPLAUSE)
Audience Shot
THE SWEDISH CHEF:
Chef (singing theme song): “Yorn desh bur, dayum, ba dishke doo, Yorn desh, dee born desh de-”
The chef motions to Rex as if to say “Take it!” Rex looks at him a moment, then turns to the camera.
Rex (speaking, deadpan): “Bork bork bork.”
Rex grabs all the utensils on the table in front of him and throws them over his shoulder.
Chef: (says something about ‘vien’ and ‘sheez’)
Rex: “Yes, the Swedish Chef and I are going to have a wine and cheese tasting on the program tonight. Tell me, do you have the first wine?”
The Chef nods and produces the wine.
Rex: “Hope it’s better than the bathwater they serve in the canteen.”
Chef: (says something about the wine, and makes a fingertip kiss ‘magnificent’ gesture)
Rex (reading label): “Ah, Dom Perignon ‘53, excellent. Wherever did you get it?”
Chef: (explains)
Rex: “You had to give the rats a Lebanese salami for it?”
The Chef nods.
Rex: “Well where did they get the wine?”
Chef: (explains)
Rex: “Oh, they have relatives in a wine cellar. Makes perfect sense now.”
Chef: “Ya. (He asks Rex a question)
Rex: “Certainly. Yes, yes, let’s open up the bottle.”
Rex opens the bottle and pours a small amount for himself and the Chef. They take their glasses.
Rex: “Cheers.”
Chef: “Saluuuud.”
They both drink, swish, and spit in unison.
Rex: “Hmm, titillating, sharp, and with a very quaint bouquet.”
Chef: (gives a long, drawn-out, and of course incomprehensible opinion of the wine)
Rex: “Yes, quite. I couldn’t agree more. Crackers, please?”
Chef hands him the crackers. They both eat.
Rex: “Hmm, delicious. All right, tell me Swedish Chef, what is the next vintage?”
Chef: (produces bottle and goes on about it)
Rex: “Bollinger ‘69. Not a bad choice, not a bad choice.”
Rex opens the bottle, pours some for both.
Rex: “Santre.”
Chef: “Nooz droovia!”
They both drink, swish, and spit in unison.
Rex: “Crackers?”
Chef: “Cohmohn shper de croonchie croomblie.”
They eat their crackers.
Chef: “Und noo, de sheez.”
Rex: “Yes, the cheese. Excellent idea.”
The Chef puts the cheese on the table.
Rex: “Knife?”
The Chef hands him a knife. Rex moves to slice the cheese and the cheese yells.
Cheese: “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”
Rex: “You brought TALKING cheese?”
Chef (nodding): “Mm-hmm.”
Rex: “Suddenly I don’t feel hungry anymore.”
Cheese (spots the wine): “Hey, wine! How about passing me a glass?”
Rex and the Chef react to the camera.
UK Spot: “Someone’s Rocking My Dreamboat”- Against a mobile ocean and islands at sunset background, Rowlf plays piano, and Fozzie leans against it and sings.
Fozzie: “Down where the trade winds play
Down where you lose a day
We found a new world, where paradise starts
We traded hearts
Down where the trade winds play
Rowlf... my feet are wet.”
Rowlf: “Yeah, I can’t explain that either. Just sing, Fozzie.”
Fozzie: “Someone's rocking my dreamboat
Someone's invading my dreams
We were sailing along, peaceful and calm
Suddenly something went wrong
Someone's rocking my dreamboat
Disturbing a beautiful dream
It's a mystery to me, this mutiny at sea
Who can it be, who can it be?
A friendly breeze gave us a start
To a paradise of our own
All at once a storm blew us apart
And left me drifting alone
Someone's rocking my dreamboat
I'm a captain without any crew
But with love as my guide, I'll follow the tide
And I'll keep sailing till I find you.”
The piano hits an iceberg and starts sinking.
Fozzie: “Aaaaahhh!”
Rowlf: “What the?!”
Fozzie: “Where’s the lifeboat?!”
Rowlf: “We haven’t got a lifeboat!”
Fozzie: “How about an upright?”
Rowlf: “Fozzie!”
Fozzie and Rowlf both try to climb on top of the piano as it sinks.
Statler: “Well, you know what they say.”
Waldorf: “The captain always goes down with his musical number!”
S & W: “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
MUPPET NEWS:
Newsman: "Here's a Muppet Newsflash. Dateline: Madrid. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, except for today, when it takes a sudden detour into the Muppet newsroom. Huh...that doesn't make sense..."
The Newsman gets drenched.
Dressing Room: Rex sits reading a book. There’s a knock on the door.
Rex: “Come in.”
Piggy enters.
Piggy: “Hello, Rex dear!”
Rex: “Hello Miss Piggy. Won’t you come in?”
Piggy: “Ah, thank you.”
Rex: “What can I do for you?”
Piggy: “Oh Rexy dear, surely you must realize.”
Rex (thinks for a moment): “No, no I don’t.”
Piggy: “Surely you must have felt our-” (she leans over backward and looks at him upside-down) “-Mutual attraction.”
Rex: “My dear Miss Piggy, you mistake me.”
Piggy (she gets up and walks about): “Oh Rex, dear, dear Rex, don’t give those silly doubts another moment’s thought! We’re both mature adults. Let us seize our moment!”
Rex (serious): “Piggy...”
Piggy (dreamy-eyed): “Rex...”
Rex: “Piggy, listen. I‘m not the romantic that you are looking for. You have the wrong idea about me. I mean, after all, Piggy...
(sings)
I’m an ordinary man,
Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance,
to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants...
An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best, for him,
Well... just an ordinary man...
BUT, Let a woman in your life
and your serenity is through,
she’ll redecorate your home,
from the cellar to the dome,
and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you...
Let a woman in your life,
and you’re up against a wall,
make a plan and you will find,
that she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all
You want to talk of Keats and Milton, she only wants to talk of love,
You go to see a play or ballet, and spend it searching for her glove,
Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife,
Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands...
I’d be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let
a woman in my life,
I’m a very gentle man, even tempered and good natured who you never hear complain,
Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein,
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,
the sort who never could, ever would, let an insulting remark escape his lips
Very gentle man...
But, Let a woman in your life, and patience hasn’t got a chance,
she will beg you for advice,
your reply will be concise, and she will listen very nicely,
and then go out and do exactly what she wants!!!
You are a man of grace and polish, who never spoke above a hush,
all at once you’re using language that would make a sailor blush,
Let a woman in your life, and you’re plunging in a knife,
Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks,
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition than to ever let a
woman in my life
No I shall never let a woman in my life.”
Piggy karate chops Rex, then leaves.
Rex (to the camera): “Also, I’ll live longer without this kind of attention.”
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And now, here to sing that old Irish folk tune “Sweet Molly Malone”, ladies and gentlemen-”
Gonzo (pokes his head out between the curtains): “Psst! Psst!”
Kermit: “The Great Gonz- what?”
Gonzo (stage whisper): “Come here.”
Gonzo motions for Kermit to come over. Gonzo whispers to Kermit but we can’t tell what he’s saying.
Kermit: “You’re kidding.”
Gonzo shakes his head. Kermit goes back out front.
Kermit: “Uh, yes well, here he is ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great, who will sing “Sweet Molly Malone”-”
He looks over at Gonzo, who nods, urging him on.
Kermit: “-while bathing a wolverine-”
Gonzo: “Good.”
He ducks back behind the curtain.
Kermit: “I don’t know why I even bother. Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!”
GONZO‘S ACT: The curtain opens on a blue tile-walled bathroom set. Gonzo scrubs a seething wolverine, his sleeves rolled up, and begins to sing.
Gonzo (singing): “In Dublin’s fair city
Where the girls are so pretty
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
She wheeled her wheelbarrow
Through streets broad and narrow
Crying “Cockles and mussels
Alive, alive oh!””
The wolverine growls.
Gonzo: “Alive, alive oh! Alive, alive- OHHHH!!!”
The wolverine swats at him.
Gonzo: “Crying “Cockles and mussels
Alive, alive- OH!”
The wolverine leaps out of the tub, and chases Gonzo around the tub and around the set. Gonzo pauses in between the lines of the music as he tries to get away from the angry wolverine.
Gonzo: “She was a fishmonger (he looks over his shoulder, still running)
And that was no wonder
(Quickly) For so were her father and mother before”
Gonzo is on one side of the tub, the wolverine on the other. They try to fake each other out.
Gonzo (croaking the tune, slowly): “They each wheeled their barrow- GULP!
Through streets broad and narrow
(Gonzo makes a break for it) Crying “Cockles and mussels
Alive, alive, oh!””
The chase around the tub resumes.
Gonzo (double time): “Alive, alive, oh!
Alive, alive, oh!
Crying “Cockles and mussels!
(Screams) ALIVE, ALIVE ,OH! WHOOP!”
The wolverine tackles him. We hear the wolverine snarling and Gonzo screaming and being ripped to pieces as the audience applauds.
Statler: "I thought music hath charm to soothe the savage beast."
Waldorf: "I know, that's why I bought my wife season tickets to the symphony!"
S & W: “HA HA HA HA HA!”
Backstage: A worried Kermit watches as a torn up and disheveled Gonzo returns from the stage.
Kermit: “Gonzo, are you okay?”
Gonzo: “Are you kidding? I’ve never been better! WHOOPEE!!!”
Rex enters, wearing a large trench coat.
Rex: “Kermit, I need to have a word with you.”
Kermit: “Oh, is something wrong?”
Rex: “It’s about my closing number.”
Kermit: “Ah yes, one of the classics of musical theatre.”
Rex removes the trench coat to reveal a Roy Rogers-esque cowboy suit.
Rex: “You were saying?”
Kermit: “I... I realize it’s a little different from what you’re used to, but-”
Rex: “A little different?! Kermit I look ridiculous! I can’t go out there dressed like this and sing this western song with those horrendously ungrammatical lyrics!”
Kermit: “Well... I can see where you’d be nervous about it, but I have every confidence in your abilities as a performer to-”
Rex: “Well you can forget it.”
Kermit: “But, but, it’ll be a great change of pace for you!”
Rex: “It would be a change, if I were doing it, which I’m not. And I can’t be prodded into it, either.”
Cowboy (offscreen): “HEAD ‘EM UP, MOVE ‘EM OUT!”
The Cowboys all enter, with their cattle prods, and push Rex onto the stage. Ad-lib mayhem.
Kermit (to camera): “Well, I guess they prodded him into it.”
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Uh, yes well, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight, Rex Harrison, is truly, ah, one of the most continental performers in show business. He has crossed the cultural gap many a time. And tonight, he will have to leap a crevasse... hoo boy. Here he is with his reluctant rendition of “Kansas City”, ladies and gentlemen Rex Harrison! Yaaaaaayy!!!!”
CLOSING NUMBER: “Kansas City”- Rex performs with the jug-band et al
I got to Kansas City on a Frid'y
By Sattidy I larned a thing or two
For up to then I didn't have an idy
Of whut the modren world was comin' to!
I counted twenty gas buggies goin' by theirsel's
Almost ev'ry time I tuk a walk.
'Nen I put my ear to a Bell Telephone and a strange womern started in to talk!
(Whut next! Yeah whut!)
Whut next?
Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
They went and built a skyscraper seven stories high,
About as high as a buildin' orta grow.
Ev'rythin's like a dream in Kansas City,
It's better than a magic lantern show!
Y' c'n turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat.
With ev'ry kind o' comfort ev'ry house is all complete.
You c'n walk to privies in the rain and never wet your feet!
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go,
(Yes sir!)
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
They got a big theayter they call a burlesque.
Fer fifty cents you c'n see a dandy show.
One of the gals was fat and pink and pretty,
As round above as she was round below.
I could swear that she was padded from her shoulder to her heel,
But latter in the second act when she began to peel
She proved that ev'rythin' she had was absolutely real!
She went about as fur as she could go,
(Yes sir!)
She went about as fur as she could go!
Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
They went and built a skyscraper seven stories high,
About as high as a buildin' orta grow.
Ev'rythin's like a dream in Kansas City,
It's better than a magic lantern show!
Y' c'n turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat.
With ev'ry kind o' comfort ev'ry house is all complete.
You c'n walk to privies in the rain and never wet your feet!
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go,
(Yes sir!)
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
Rex (in genuine country accent, spoken): “They’ve gone about as fur as they c’n go!”
ALL: They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
The cowboys hoot and holler. Rex fires off a round from his six-shooter into the rafters. A sandbag falls and Rex just manages to catch it. He chats with the cowboys, inserting an odd hoot and holler here and there, as Sweetums rolls by one last time in the background. Fade out.
Curtain: (APPLAUSE). Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And so we come down to the end of another one. But before we all ride off into the sunset, let’s have a great big hand for our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen Rex Harrison!” (APPLAUSE) “Yaaaaaayy! Yay! Yeah!”
Rex enters, in his dress suit.
Rex: “Thank you Kermit. I’ve had a wonderful time.”
Kermit: “Oh good.”
Rex: “I just need to know one thing: have you seen Beauregard? He was supposed to find my Penguin! Where’s my Penguin?”
Bo rushes in.
Bo: “Oh Mr. Harrison!”
Rex: “Beauregard! Did you find it?”
Bo: “Well, I’m not sure. Is it one of these?”
Bo motions for the penguins to come in- half a dozen of them!
Kermit: “You’ve got to expect that around here, Rex.“
Rex (rolls eyes): “Indeed.”
Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Rex, Kermit, Piggy, Bo, the Swedish Chef, Rizzo (in a smoking jacket), and half a dozen penguins gather around as the closing theme music plays.
Sweetums rushes into S & W’s box, almost falls over the ledge, grabs onto S & W to try and keep from falling, then falls with them.
Waldorf: “Well, we may be going to the hospital-”
Statler: “But at least we won’t be here next week.”
Whew! A lot of HTML code to put in there.
Comments are welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
For those of you who liked the Rex Harrison outline by TravellingMatt and myself, here is the fully expanded script that I wrote from September to November of last year, and finished just minutes ago. Ladies and gentlemen:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Rex Harrison! YAAAAAYYY!!!!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: REX HARRISON
STYLE: SEASON FIVE (circa Roger Moore episode)
COLD OPENING: Pops is playing with a yo-yo when the door opens.
Rex Harrison enters.
Pops: “Oh! Who’re you?”
Rex: “I’m Rex Harrison. I’m to be the guest star on tonight’s show.”
Pops: “Oh, Rex Harrison! Great! Boy, having you here’ll really class up the show.”
Rex: “Why do you say that?”
Lew Zealand’s boomerang fish goes by, and Lew follows after it, laughing.
Lew: “Hey, good one Roderick!”
Gonzo enters, wrestling a snake that‘s wrapped around him.
Gonzo: “Aaah! No you don’t! I’ve got you right where I want you! D’aaaaaahhhh!”
The snake brings him down. Sweetums zooms by on roller skates, obviously out of control.
Sweetums: “Whoa! Whoaaa! Whooooaaaaaa!!!!”
He skates out of the shot, then circles back and grabs on to Rex to try and stop, but ends up picking him up and carrying him away by accident.
Sweetums & Rex: “Aaaaaahhh!!!”
Pops: “Typical. Some stars just get carried away on this show!”
CRASH!
OPENING THEME
Gonzo: fireworks come out of the trumpet as the lights go out
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to another Muppet Show! Tonight’s a special one because our guest star is none other than that great star of stage and screen, the wonderful Mr. Rex Harrison!” (APPLAUSE) “But first-”
Sweetums: “Whoa! Whoaaaaa!!!!!!!”
Sweetums skates by, out of control, and still carrying Rex.
Kermit: “Hey! Watch out! Put him down, quick, before you run into the-”
CRASH!
Kermit: “Light tree.”
Rex enters, woozy.
Kermit: “Rex! Are you okay?”
Rex: “A bit shaken up, but I seem to be in one piece.”
Kermit: “Do you want to see our doctor?”
Rex: “I’ve seen your doctor- I’ll take my chances!”
Kermit: “Well, do you feel like you can still go on?”
Rex: “Yes, I’m fine, really.”
Statler: “Uh-oh! You’ll regret that!”
Waldorf: “Yeah, you’re letting the perfect escape slip through your fingers!”
Kermit: “Those are our two hecklers. Just try to ignore them.”
Rex: “I’m doing that already.”
Sweetums rolls by.
Sweetums: “WHOA! WHOA!”
CRASH!
Rex: “Why is he doing that, anyway?”
Kermit: “He’s got a date tonight at the roller rink and he’s trying to brush up his technique.”
Rex: “It would take a brush the size of Mongolia for that man to brush up his technique. Can’t, ah, his lady friend help him?”
Kermit: “Nope. She’s got three left feet.”
Rex (he does a take): “Until I arrived here, I’d have thought that unusual. Well, I’m off to rest a while in my dressing room.”
Kermit: “All right.”
Rex exits.
Kermit: “Okay, uh before Rex performs, we have a very special treat for you. After his sabbatical pilgrimage to his homeland of Transylvania, we are- proud?- to welcome back the Muppet company’s answer to Vincent Price, ladies and gentlemen, the musical stylings of our own Phantom of the Muppet Show, Uncle Deadly! Yaaaaayyyyy!”
OPENING NUMBER: “Oh What a Beautiful Morning”- Uncle Deadly sits in a gloomy old castle, in a big red easy chair. The place is dark and filled with strange antiques and various cobwebs. The walls are cold and stony, with a bit of a blue light on them. There are shelves with ancient books, medieval weapons hung with care on the walls, a few photos of monsters (family members?) and a spike-filled sarcophagus leaning on one of the walls. We can hear a thunderstorm outside and see a dark, stormy sky and barren tree branches outside the window. Uncle Deadly sits, peacefully taking in this lovely thunderstorm in his wonderfully gloomy surroundings.
UD (singing): “There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow”
He gets up.
UD: “The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
And it looks like it's climbing clear up to the sky.”
Uncle Deadly starts strolling, stage right, across the set, nearing his lab equipment and revealing the stage right wall, with its bookshelves. He sways back and forth even with the melody.
UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feeling
Ev'rything's going my way.”
Uncle Deadly comes upon his cow skeleton, upstage of him, and he moves up to it.
UD: “All the cattle are standing like statues
All the cattle are standing like statues”
He removes the cow skull, holding it like Hamlet held the skull of Yorick.
UD: “They don't turn their heads as they see me go by,
But a little brown mav'rick is winking her eye.”
During the next chorus he throws the head away, out of the shot.
UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feeling
Ev'rything's going my way.”
Uncle Deadly turns left, to the window.
UD: “All the sounds of the earth are like music”
Thunder clap.
UD: “All the sounds of the earth are like music”
The wind kicks in a little more.
UD: “The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree,”
The tree outside his window falls over.
UD: “And a ol' weeping willow is laughing at me!”
Uncle Deadly starts moving back downstage, to the foreground, as the music syncopates under his vocals. He sways and bops to the music full force now, sort of doing a little dance.
UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feeling
Ev'rything's going my way.
Oh, what a beautiful day!” (APPLAUSE)
S & W (singing): “Oh what a horrible number! Oh what a horrible day! We’ve got a horrible feeling, Deadly’s no Gordon MacRae! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Canteen: Rex sits at a table, with chickens milling around in the background. Two of the fifth season Frackles are eating at another table, and one starts eating the table. Uncle Deadly enters and comes up to Rex.
UD: “Ah, a hearty hello to you, Mr. Harrison! Such a pleasure to have you with us on the show!”
Rex: “Why thank you Mr. um-”
UD: “I am Uncle Deadly! I just wanted to say that I’ve seen every one of your murder mystery films. Um, by the way, you wouldn’t happen to have hung on to any of the bodies from those films, have you? I’m in need of a few cadavers for scientific research.”
Rex: “Um, well actually no one was truly killed in those pictures. They were just movies, after all.”
UD: “Oh well. All the same, enjoy yourself on the show, and, uh, do try not to be jealous of the adoration I get from my public. Toodle-oo!”
Scooter walks by.
Rex: “Oh Scooter!”
Scooter: “Yes, Mr. Harrison?”
Rex: “I need to ask a favor of you.”
Scooter: “Well, that’s what I’m here for!”
Rex: “I need you to find my Penguin.”
Scooter: “Your what?”
Rex: “My Penguin. My Penguin Books edition of Pygmalion.”
Scooter: “Pygmalion?”
Rex: “Yes. You know that “My Fair Lady” was based upon George Bernard Shaw’s “Pygmalion”. When I was in rehearsals for it on Broadway, I always kept the book with me. I brought it with me this evening and now it seems I’ve misplaced it.”
Scooter: “Ohhh, I get it. I’ll search high and low for ya!”
Rex: “Thank you, very much.”
Scooter goes to look upstairs. Rex looks at his watch.
Rex: “This is ridiculous. I have to go on in a few minutes! Waitress! Where’s my wine?”
Rizzo: “How’s this?” (Whines) “Aw, but I don’t wanna do my homework! Pretty good, huh?”
Rex: “Waitress!”
Gladys: “Pipe down, I’m coming!”
Rex: “Where’s my wine?”
Gladys: “Here!”
Rex: “What vintage is this?”
Gladys: “Huh?”
Rex: “In what year was it made?”
Gladys (looks at watch): “About 15 minutes ago.”
Rex: “Well, it looks all right.”
Rex sips.
Gladys: “It should! I stomped the grapes myself!”
Rex spits out the wine.
Rex: “No, no, it won’t do.”
Gladys: “Won’t do what?”
Rex: “Take it back. Bring me a different bottle.”
Gladys: “Where d’ya think you are, the Ritz Carlson? This is the only bottle we got!”
Rex: “No white robolo? No theotaki aspri?”
Gladys: “Listen, Lord Schmaltzy Pants, you can talk till doomsday; this is the only bottle we got!”
She takes it and starts walking away.
Rex: “What else can I expect from a frumpy, squawking old baggage?”
Gladys: “WHAT?! WHY YOU-”
Gladys throws the wine bottle, just as Rex ducks and Scooter enters.
Scooter: “Mr. Harrison! I checked upstairs and no one’s seen-”
CRASH! The bottle hits him and knocks him out.
Gladys: “...Oops. Poor kid. What did he want?”
Rex: “I sent him to look for my Penguin.”
Gladys: “You got a license to keep ‘em?”
Rex: “No, no, I was referring to my Penguin Books edition of Pygmalion”.
Gladys: “Well it’s a surprise to me. I didn’t even know penguins could read!”
Rex gives her a funny look, then looks at the camera.
SONG: “Suffragette City”- the Electric Mayhem plays and sings in their bandstand set; the lighting behind them is red, yellow, and black. Clockwise from top: Animal, at top behind drum riser, Lips, on mid-level riser, right to left: Zoot, Janice, and Floyd on the bottom level, and Dr. Teeth on the screen left mid-level riser.
ALL (except Floyd, for all the verses): Hey man!
Floyd: Ah leave me alone you know
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: Well Henry, get off the phone, I gotta
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: I gotta straighten my face
This mellow chick just put my spine out of place
Janice smacks Floyd’s back with the head of her guitar
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: My school day's insane
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: My work's down the drain
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: Well she's a total blam-blam
She said she had to have me but she... then she...
(CHORUS)
ALL (including Floyd, for all the choruses): Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
ALL: Oh don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
Floyd: You know my Suffragette City
Is outta sight...she's all right
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: Ah Henry, don't be unkind, go away
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: I can't take you this time, no way
ALL: Hey man
Floyd: D-droogie don't crash here
There's only room for one and here she comes, here she comes
ALL: Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
ALL: Don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
Floyd: You know my Suffragette City
ALL: Is outta sight...she's all right
(Instrumental break)
Floyd: “Oh hit me!”
ALL: Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
ALL: Oh don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
Floyd: You know my Suffragette City
ALL: Is outta sight...she's all right
Dr. Teeth: Yeah-yeah!
Floyd: A Suffragette City
Zoot: Huh?
Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City
Janice: Fer sure!
Floyd: Ooo A Suffragette city
Lips: Woo-hah!
Floyd: A Suffragette
(Bass guitar lick)
Animal (yelling, unintelligible): “Ahhh, Wham Bam Thank Ya Ma'am!”
Floyd: A Suffragette City, a Suffragette City
Oh my Suffragette City, oh my Suffragette City
Ah, Suffragette
(Bass guitar lick again)
ALL (Floyd included): Suffragette! (APPLAUSE)
Dressing Room: Rex is sitting in his dressing room listening to classical and reading literature, when Beauregard enters.
Bo: "Mr. Harrison, may I come in?"
Rex: "Yes, Beauregard. I was just losing myself in some Mozart."
Bo: "Uh, where did you want to go?"
Rex: "No, no, Beauregard, it's only a figure of speech. I was saying that I was so overcome by this music's beauty that I got lost in it."
Bo: "Oh. I got lost in Hoboken once. It wasn't fun."
Rex: “Yes well, what can I do for you, Beauregard?”
Bo: “Uh, actually I wanted to know what I could do for you. You see, downstairs they told me that Scooter was about to do you a favor before he got sent home with a bump on his head, and I wanted to know what it was you needed.”
Rex: “Oh! I appreciate that. Well, I had asked Scooter to find my Penguin.”
Bo: “Okay! I’ll find your penguin!”
Rex: “Thank you.”
Bo leaves.
Rex: “Nice, nice fellow.”
Backstage: Sam the Eagle stands at the desk with Kermit.
Sam: “Oh, Kermit! I’m so glad that we have the brilliant, erudite Rex Harrison on our show this week.”
Kermit: “Uh, as am I, Sam.”
Sam: “Pray tell, what is the incomparable Mr. Harrison going to do for his first act?”
Kermit: “Uh, Rex is going to reprise one of his classic songs from My Fair Lady.”
Kermit exits, as an Audrey Hepburn look-alike Whatnot goes to the stage... followed by something covered in a sheet with a face crudely drawn on it.
Sam: “Oh! My Fair Lady! At last, culture and dignity! My Fair Lady. (to camera) That’s my favorite Tennessee Williams play.”
He backs off and looks toward the stage.
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Ah ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the world’s classiest and most talented performers. Here he is with a song from one of his most famous roles, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Rex Harrison! Yaaaaaayyyyy!”
SONG: “I’ve Grown Accustomed to her Face”- Rex sits on an easy chair (Stage Right) in an English drawing room set not unlike the sets from “My Fair Lady”, and a female Whatnot (who bears some resemblance to Audrey Hepburn’s Eliza Doolittle) sits on a couch (Mid Center), next to a piece of furniture covered in a white sheet with the face drawn on it. Rex sings, directly to the audience, referring to the girl. The girl hams it up in the background, posing and posturing.
Rex (singing): “I’ve grown accustomed to her face!
She almost makes the day begin.
I’ve grown accustomed to the tune
She whistles night and noon.
Her smiles. Her frowns.
Her ups, her downs
Are second nature to me now"
The sheet over the piece of furniture starts to disappear, like it’s being sucked inside of whatever it’s covering.
Rex: "Like breathing out and breathing in.
I was serenely independent and content before we met.
Surely I can always be that way again-
And yet
I’ve grown accustomed to her looks,
Accustomed to her voice;
Accustomed...”
The sheet disappears, revealing Luncheon Counter Monster, who starts looking over the girl.
Rex: “...To her face.”
The girl looks at Luncheon Counter Monster, unnoticing, and looks away, then double takes in horror. She starts shaking, as he grabs her by the head and starts gobbling her up. Rex continues singing unaware, as the girl struggles while being eaten.
Rex: “But I’m so used to hear her say “Good morning” ev’ry day.
Her joys, her woes,
Her highs, her lows,
Are second nature to me now"
Rex looks back toward the girl, but instead sees her legs hanging out of the monster’s mouth, and disappearing quickly. He’s horrified.
Rex: “Like breathing out and breathing in.”
LCM comes over to Rex, looking over him curiously.
Rex: “I’m very grateful-”
LCM grabs Rex’s arm.
Rex: “Stop that! Um, and so easy to forget-”
LCM tries to eat Rex’s arm.
Rex (nervous): “Rather like a habit
One can always break and yet,”
On the word “yet” Rex pulls his arm away. He starts backing away from LCM.
Rex: “I’ve grown accustomed to the trace...”
LCM comes back over and starts eating Rex’s arm again.
Rex: “Of something in the air;
Accustomed to her face.” (APPLAUSE)
Rex tries to get away from LCM, and ends up dragging LCM offstage with him.
Waldorf: “Ah that Rex Harrison is a great entertainer.”
Statler: “Oh, indeed.”
Waldorf: “What did you think of that number?”
Statler: “Well, frankly I couldn’t stomach it.”
S & W: “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
Backstage: Sam and Kermit are in shock, having watched the previous number. Rex comes back from onstage, still trying to get away from LCM.
Rex: “Kermit! Somebody! I could use some help! Get away!”
LCM is still trying to bite Rex.
Sam: “You! You get away! How dare you!”
Rex: “Thanks very much.”
Sam: “Oh Mr. Harrison, I’m deeply sorry that this- THING got on stage. I’ve been so looking forward to your gracing us with your presence on this distasteful program...” (He turns to LCM) “AND YOU! You had to go and ruin that wonderful number! It was a debacle, thanks to you! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”
Sam turns around while LCM pauses. LCM looks at Sam for a moment, looks at the camera, then turns and bites Sam.
Sam: “Aaaaaaahhh!!!!!”
Sam runs away, still screaming, with LCM chasing him.
Rex: “Shouldn’t we help him?”
Kermit: “Hmm, I’ll think it over.”
Sweetums (off camera): “Whoa!”
Sam (off camera): “What the? Aaaaahhhh!!!”
Sweetums rushes by on his skates, still out of control, but this time he’s holding onto Sam! They’re both still screaming as they roll out of the shot, toward the stage.
Rex: “Well, at least he’s safe now.”
Kermit: “Yeah, from one thing if not another.”
CRASH!
Kermit and Rex both look in the direction of the crash.
VET'S HOSPITAL: Piggy is powdering her nose as the announcer speaks.
Announcer: “And now, Veterinarians’ Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.”
Piggy: “Dr. Bob, are you ready for your next patient?”
Rowlf: “I don’t know. Something smells fishy.”
Janice: “Well that’s no surprise.”
She pulls back the sheet to reveal Lew Zealand.
Lew: “Aw, that’s just Cedric. I told him to wash up before going onstage.”
Rowlf: “Well, what seems to be the problem?”
Lew: “Cynthia.”
Rowlf: “I’m a doctor, not a marriage counselor.”
Janice: “And we’re not even sure about the doctor part!”
Rowlf: “Oooo!”
Lew: “No, no. I’m not the one who’s sick! My fish, Cynthia, is!”
Rowlf: “Oh! Well why didn’t you say so?”
Janice: “What do you think, Dr. Bob?”
Rowlf: “I’m not sure. Hand me a scalpel!”
Janice: “What for?”
Rowlf: “Oh just for the halibut! Let‘s see what we’ve got here.”
Lew: “That’s not Cynthia! That’s Cynthia’s brother, Francis.”
Rowlf: “Oh, so she’s her brother’s kipper?”
Piggy: “Oh, Dr. Bob! Did you make that joke by accident?”
Rowlf: “No, I did it on porpoise!”
Lew: “Give it to me straight, Doc! How is she?”
Rowlf: “Frankly, I think she’s floundering!”
Lew: “Will she ever play the piano again?”
Rowlf: “A fish that plays the piano? I don’t believe it!”
Piggy: “Why not?”
Rowlf: “Because you can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish! Maybe you should teach her to sing instead.”
Lew: “What could she sing?”
Rowlf: “How about, (sings) salmon chanted evening...”
Janice: “Boy, Dr. Bob, you sure can go on about fish!”
Rowlf: “Well, that’s because I’ve got a lot of sole!”
Announcer: “And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians’ Hospital. Tune in next week when we’ll hear Nurse Janice say-”
Janice: “Dr. Bob, you haven’t helped this patient at all!”
Rowlf: “Well I can always refer him to someone else.”
Janice: “Who?”
Rowlf: “This guy right here!”
He holds up one of Lew’s fish.
Piggy: “Dr. Bob, you want the fish to do the operating?”
Rowlf: “Sure! He’s a first-rate sturgeon!”
They all laugh as the end music plays. (APPLAUSE)
Audience Shot
THE SWEDISH CHEF:
Chef (singing theme song): “Yorn desh bur, dayum, ba dishke doo, Yorn desh, dee born desh de-”
The chef motions to Rex as if to say “Take it!” Rex looks at him a moment, then turns to the camera.
Rex (speaking, deadpan): “Bork bork bork.”
Rex grabs all the utensils on the table in front of him and throws them over his shoulder.
Chef: (says something about ‘vien’ and ‘sheez’)
Rex: “Yes, the Swedish Chef and I are going to have a wine and cheese tasting on the program tonight. Tell me, do you have the first wine?”
The Chef nods and produces the wine.
Rex: “Hope it’s better than the bathwater they serve in the canteen.”
Chef: (says something about the wine, and makes a fingertip kiss ‘magnificent’ gesture)
Rex (reading label): “Ah, Dom Perignon ‘53, excellent. Wherever did you get it?”
Chef: (explains)
Rex: “You had to give the rats a Lebanese salami for it?”
The Chef nods.
Rex: “Well where did they get the wine?”
Chef: (explains)
Rex: “Oh, they have relatives in a wine cellar. Makes perfect sense now.”
Chef: “Ya. (He asks Rex a question)
Rex: “Certainly. Yes, yes, let’s open up the bottle.”
Rex opens the bottle and pours a small amount for himself and the Chef. They take their glasses.
Rex: “Cheers.”
Chef: “Saluuuud.”
They both drink, swish, and spit in unison.
Rex: “Hmm, titillating, sharp, and with a very quaint bouquet.”
Chef: (gives a long, drawn-out, and of course incomprehensible opinion of the wine)
Rex: “Yes, quite. I couldn’t agree more. Crackers, please?”
Chef hands him the crackers. They both eat.
Rex: “Hmm, delicious. All right, tell me Swedish Chef, what is the next vintage?”
Chef: (produces bottle and goes on about it)
Rex: “Bollinger ‘69. Not a bad choice, not a bad choice.”
Rex opens the bottle, pours some for both.
Rex: “Santre.”
Chef: “Nooz droovia!”
They both drink, swish, and spit in unison.
Rex: “Crackers?”
Chef: “Cohmohn shper de croonchie croomblie.”
They eat their crackers.
Chef: “Und noo, de sheez.”
Rex: “Yes, the cheese. Excellent idea.”
The Chef puts the cheese on the table.
Rex: “Knife?”
The Chef hands him a knife. Rex moves to slice the cheese and the cheese yells.
Cheese: “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”
Rex: “You brought TALKING cheese?”
Chef (nodding): “Mm-hmm.”
Rex: “Suddenly I don’t feel hungry anymore.”
Cheese (spots the wine): “Hey, wine! How about passing me a glass?”
Rex and the Chef react to the camera.
UK Spot: “Someone’s Rocking My Dreamboat”- Against a mobile ocean and islands at sunset background, Rowlf plays piano, and Fozzie leans against it and sings.
Fozzie: “Down where the trade winds play
Down where you lose a day
We found a new world, where paradise starts
We traded hearts
Down where the trade winds play
Rowlf... my feet are wet.”
Rowlf: “Yeah, I can’t explain that either. Just sing, Fozzie.”
Fozzie: “Someone's rocking my dreamboat
Someone's invading my dreams
We were sailing along, peaceful and calm
Suddenly something went wrong
Someone's rocking my dreamboat
Disturbing a beautiful dream
It's a mystery to me, this mutiny at sea
Who can it be, who can it be?
A friendly breeze gave us a start
To a paradise of our own
All at once a storm blew us apart
And left me drifting alone
Someone's rocking my dreamboat
I'm a captain without any crew
But with love as my guide, I'll follow the tide
And I'll keep sailing till I find you.”
The piano hits an iceberg and starts sinking.
Fozzie: “Aaaaahhh!”
Rowlf: “What the?!”
Fozzie: “Where’s the lifeboat?!”
Rowlf: “We haven’t got a lifeboat!”
Fozzie: “How about an upright?”
Rowlf: “Fozzie!”
Fozzie and Rowlf both try to climb on top of the piano as it sinks.
Statler: “Well, you know what they say.”
Waldorf: “The captain always goes down with his musical number!”
S & W: “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
MUPPET NEWS:
Newsman: "Here's a Muppet Newsflash. Dateline: Madrid. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, except for today, when it takes a sudden detour into the Muppet newsroom. Huh...that doesn't make sense..."
The Newsman gets drenched.
Dressing Room: Rex sits reading a book. There’s a knock on the door.
Rex: “Come in.”
Piggy enters.
Piggy: “Hello, Rex dear!”
Rex: “Hello Miss Piggy. Won’t you come in?”
Piggy: “Ah, thank you.”
Rex: “What can I do for you?”
Piggy: “Oh Rexy dear, surely you must realize.”
Rex (thinks for a moment): “No, no I don’t.”
Piggy: “Surely you must have felt our-” (she leans over backward and looks at him upside-down) “-Mutual attraction.”
Rex: “My dear Miss Piggy, you mistake me.”
Piggy (she gets up and walks about): “Oh Rex, dear, dear Rex, don’t give those silly doubts another moment’s thought! We’re both mature adults. Let us seize our moment!”
Rex (serious): “Piggy...”
Piggy (dreamy-eyed): “Rex...”
Rex: “Piggy, listen. I‘m not the romantic that you are looking for. You have the wrong idea about me. I mean, after all, Piggy...
(sings)
I’m an ordinary man,
Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance,
to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants...
An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best, for him,
Well... just an ordinary man...
BUT, Let a woman in your life
and your serenity is through,
she’ll redecorate your home,
from the cellar to the dome,
and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you...
Let a woman in your life,
and you’re up against a wall,
make a plan and you will find,
that she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all
You want to talk of Keats and Milton, she only wants to talk of love,
You go to see a play or ballet, and spend it searching for her glove,
Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife,
Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands...
I’d be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let
a woman in my life,
I’m a very gentle man, even tempered and good natured who you never hear complain,
Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein,
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,
the sort who never could, ever would, let an insulting remark escape his lips
Very gentle man...
But, Let a woman in your life, and patience hasn’t got a chance,
she will beg you for advice,
your reply will be concise, and she will listen very nicely,
and then go out and do exactly what she wants!!!
You are a man of grace and polish, who never spoke above a hush,
all at once you’re using language that would make a sailor blush,
Let a woman in your life, and you’re plunging in a knife,
Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks,
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition than to ever let a
woman in my life
No I shall never let a woman in my life.”
Piggy karate chops Rex, then leaves.
Rex (to the camera): “Also, I’ll live longer without this kind of attention.”
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And now, here to sing that old Irish folk tune “Sweet Molly Malone”, ladies and gentlemen-”
Gonzo (pokes his head out between the curtains): “Psst! Psst!”
Kermit: “The Great Gonz- what?”
Gonzo (stage whisper): “Come here.”
Gonzo motions for Kermit to come over. Gonzo whispers to Kermit but we can’t tell what he’s saying.
Kermit: “You’re kidding.”
Gonzo shakes his head. Kermit goes back out front.
Kermit: “Uh, yes well, here he is ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great, who will sing “Sweet Molly Malone”-”
He looks over at Gonzo, who nods, urging him on.
Kermit: “-while bathing a wolverine-”
Gonzo: “Good.”
He ducks back behind the curtain.
Kermit: “I don’t know why I even bother. Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!”
GONZO‘S ACT: The curtain opens on a blue tile-walled bathroom set. Gonzo scrubs a seething wolverine, his sleeves rolled up, and begins to sing.
Gonzo (singing): “In Dublin’s fair city
Where the girls are so pretty
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
She wheeled her wheelbarrow
Through streets broad and narrow
Crying “Cockles and mussels
Alive, alive oh!””
The wolverine growls.
Gonzo: “Alive, alive oh! Alive, alive- OHHHH!!!”
The wolverine swats at him.
Gonzo: “Crying “Cockles and mussels
Alive, alive- OH!”
The wolverine leaps out of the tub, and chases Gonzo around the tub and around the set. Gonzo pauses in between the lines of the music as he tries to get away from the angry wolverine.
Gonzo: “She was a fishmonger (he looks over his shoulder, still running)
And that was no wonder
(Quickly) For so were her father and mother before”
Gonzo is on one side of the tub, the wolverine on the other. They try to fake each other out.
Gonzo (croaking the tune, slowly): “They each wheeled their barrow- GULP!
Through streets broad and narrow
(Gonzo makes a break for it) Crying “Cockles and mussels
Alive, alive, oh!””
The chase around the tub resumes.
Gonzo (double time): “Alive, alive, oh!
Alive, alive, oh!
Crying “Cockles and mussels!
(Screams) ALIVE, ALIVE ,OH! WHOOP!”
The wolverine tackles him. We hear the wolverine snarling and Gonzo screaming and being ripped to pieces as the audience applauds.
Statler: "I thought music hath charm to soothe the savage beast."
Waldorf: "I know, that's why I bought my wife season tickets to the symphony!"
S & W: “HA HA HA HA HA!”
Backstage: A worried Kermit watches as a torn up and disheveled Gonzo returns from the stage.
Kermit: “Gonzo, are you okay?”
Gonzo: “Are you kidding? I’ve never been better! WHOOPEE!!!”
Rex enters, wearing a large trench coat.
Rex: “Kermit, I need to have a word with you.”
Kermit: “Oh, is something wrong?”
Rex: “It’s about my closing number.”
Kermit: “Ah yes, one of the classics of musical theatre.”
Rex removes the trench coat to reveal a Roy Rogers-esque cowboy suit.
Rex: “You were saying?”
Kermit: “I... I realize it’s a little different from what you’re used to, but-”
Rex: “A little different?! Kermit I look ridiculous! I can’t go out there dressed like this and sing this western song with those horrendously ungrammatical lyrics!”
Kermit: “Well... I can see where you’d be nervous about it, but I have every confidence in your abilities as a performer to-”
Rex: “Well you can forget it.”
Kermit: “But, but, it’ll be a great change of pace for you!”
Rex: “It would be a change, if I were doing it, which I’m not. And I can’t be prodded into it, either.”
Cowboy (offscreen): “HEAD ‘EM UP, MOVE ‘EM OUT!”
The Cowboys all enter, with their cattle prods, and push Rex onto the stage. Ad-lib mayhem.
Kermit (to camera): “Well, I guess they prodded him into it.”
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Uh, yes well, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight, Rex Harrison, is truly, ah, one of the most continental performers in show business. He has crossed the cultural gap many a time. And tonight, he will have to leap a crevasse... hoo boy. Here he is with his reluctant rendition of “Kansas City”, ladies and gentlemen Rex Harrison! Yaaaaaayy!!!!”
CLOSING NUMBER: “Kansas City”- Rex performs with the jug-band et al
I got to Kansas City on a Frid'y
By Sattidy I larned a thing or two
For up to then I didn't have an idy
Of whut the modren world was comin' to!
I counted twenty gas buggies goin' by theirsel's
Almost ev'ry time I tuk a walk.
'Nen I put my ear to a Bell Telephone and a strange womern started in to talk!
(Whut next! Yeah whut!)
Whut next?
Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
They went and built a skyscraper seven stories high,
About as high as a buildin' orta grow.
Ev'rythin's like a dream in Kansas City,
It's better than a magic lantern show!
Y' c'n turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat.
With ev'ry kind o' comfort ev'ry house is all complete.
You c'n walk to privies in the rain and never wet your feet!
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go,
(Yes sir!)
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
They got a big theayter they call a burlesque.
Fer fifty cents you c'n see a dandy show.
One of the gals was fat and pink and pretty,
As round above as she was round below.
I could swear that she was padded from her shoulder to her heel,
But latter in the second act when she began to peel
She proved that ev'rythin' she had was absolutely real!
She went about as fur as she could go,
(Yes sir!)
She went about as fur as she could go!
Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
They went and built a skyscraper seven stories high,
About as high as a buildin' orta grow.
Ev'rythin's like a dream in Kansas City,
It's better than a magic lantern show!
Y' c'n turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat.
With ev'ry kind o' comfort ev'ry house is all complete.
You c'n walk to privies in the rain and never wet your feet!
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go,
(Yes sir!)
They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
Rex (in genuine country accent, spoken): “They’ve gone about as fur as they c’n go!”
ALL: They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
The cowboys hoot and holler. Rex fires off a round from his six-shooter into the rafters. A sandbag falls and Rex just manages to catch it. He chats with the cowboys, inserting an odd hoot and holler here and there, as Sweetums rolls by one last time in the background. Fade out.
Curtain: (APPLAUSE). Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And so we come down to the end of another one. But before we all ride off into the sunset, let’s have a great big hand for our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen Rex Harrison!” (APPLAUSE) “Yaaaaaayy! Yay! Yeah!”
Rex enters, in his dress suit.
Rex: “Thank you Kermit. I’ve had a wonderful time.”
Kermit: “Oh good.”
Rex: “I just need to know one thing: have you seen Beauregard? He was supposed to find my Penguin! Where’s my Penguin?”
Bo rushes in.
Bo: “Oh Mr. Harrison!”
Rex: “Beauregard! Did you find it?”
Bo: “Well, I’m not sure. Is it one of these?”
Bo motions for the penguins to come in- half a dozen of them!
Kermit: “You’ve got to expect that around here, Rex.“
Rex (rolls eyes): “Indeed.”
Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Rex, Kermit, Piggy, Bo, the Swedish Chef, Rizzo (in a smoking jacket), and half a dozen penguins gather around as the closing theme music plays.
Sweetums rushes into S & W’s box, almost falls over the ledge, grabs onto S & W to try and keep from falling, then falls with them.
Waldorf: “Well, we may be going to the hospital-”
Statler: “But at least we won’t be here next week.”
Whew! A lot of HTML code to put in there.
Comments are welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
Come on, I worked long and hard on this. 
