TMS outline - Teri Garr!

Gorgon Heap

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This was inspired by a visit to the Jim Henson exhibit at the Atlanta Center for Puppetry Arts! Submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Teri Garr! YAY!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: TERI GARR

STYLE: EARLY SEASON FIVE (circa Shirley Bassey, James Coburn)

COLD OPENING: Pops is checking Gaffer for fleas when Teri enters.

Pops: “Oh! Who’re you?”

Teri: “I’m Teri Garr, I’m the guest on The Muppet Show tonight.”

Pops: “Teri Garr! Boy are we glad to have you with us!”

Teri (petting Gaffer): “Oh, and I’m thrilled to be on such a happy show, filled with cute, cuddly characters!"

(Weird creatures (the Vile Bunch, Trevor the Gross) pop up and surround her.)

Chopped Liver: "Aww, you just made our day, sweetheart!"

(They snuggle up to her. After a moment of being weirded out, she shrugs.)

Teri: “Aww.”

(She hugs them back.)

OPENING THEME:
GONZO: Fire comes out, Gonzo gets blasted away by a fire hose

OPENING NUMBER: “Convoy” - Beautiful Day Monster and the Season Five Frackles sing while driving their rigs and being chased by Link and Fozzie

Statler: “Monsters as truckers?!”

Waldorf: “Why not? Surely, you've heard of monster truck rallies!?

(They laugh. Beautiful Day pops up behind them and knocks Waldorf out with a toy truck. Statler laughs, and Beautiful Day knocks him out, too. He nods to the camera.)

BACKSTAGE: Piggy asks Kermit about the closing sketch.

Piggy: “Is it true you’re doing “Little Red Riding Hood”?”

Kermit: “Yes.”

Piggy: “Well, I wish you’d told me earlier. That’s not much time to learn the lead role. But –- I think I can just do it.”

Kermit: “Well, you’re not in the sketch.”

Piggy: “... You’re kidding.”

Kermit: “No. Our guest, Teri Garr, is playing Little Red Riding Hood.”

Piggy: “Hmmph! I thought you would cast moi in this sketch.”

Kermit: “Well, I would, but I already cast the grandmother...”

Piggy: “GRANDMOTHER?! Why you --”

(She swings at him. He ducks.)

Piggy: “Hey! Where are ya, bayou breath?!”

(He pops up.)

Piggy: “Come back here!”

(She chases him off.)

SKETCH: Teri plays a zookeeper in the ‘Birds of the World’ section. The zoo is attempting to mate the Large Dancing Birds (Fletcher and Betsy), but they're hostile to each other. As the birds in other cages and zoo visitors (Whatnots) look on, Teri gets in the cage and dances with them, getting the birds in step with each other until they're dancing together on their own. They leave through the open gate, arm in arm (wing in wing), exiting with the zoo visitors but accidentally locking Teri in the cage.

S: “Say Waldorf, you want some of my popcorn?”

W: “Sure!”

(Clyde the Bird flies up and steals it.)

S: “What the -- hey! Hey, you! Hey!”

(Waldorf shakes his head.)

W: “I've always said this place is a zoo, now I'm sure of it.”

S: “Mm.”

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie asks Kermit if there’s time for his monologue in tonight’s show, but Kermit tells him unfortunately not. Gonzo enters, needing to cancel his act.

Kermit: “But, you’re supposed to crochet the Declaration of Independence while being shot out of a cannon! What’s wrong?”

Gonzo: “Sigh, my rental cannon from the Zucchini Brothers hasn’t shown up yet.”

(Gonzo exits.)

Kermit: “Well, I guess you get what you pay for.”

(Kermit recalls Fozzie to stand by to do his monologue.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “Ah, ladies and gentlemen, I have to announce that there will be a program change. Tonight, Gonzo the Great will be unable to crochet the Declaration of Independence while being shot out of a cannon. Instead, we present the near-miss mirth, or near-mirth miss, of our own beloved comic, Fozzie Bear!”

FOZZIE’S MONOLOGUE / GONZO’S STUNT: One joke in, the Zucchini Brothers enter, hauling in a cannon, shouting “boom-a boom-a!” They exit, leaving Fozzie dumbfounded.

Fozzie: “There’s a cannon here. Speaking of cannons, do you know why human cannonballs are worried about job security?”

(A Zucchini Brother enters.)

Zucchini Brother: “Eh, first they get a-hired, then they get a-fired.”

(Fozzie swats him away with his hat.)

Fozzie: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”

(Zucchini Brother runs off.)

Fozzie: “Well, I can work with a cannon. After all, I’m a high caliber performer! Ah!”

Statler: “Well, why don’t you make like a cannon and take a powder?”

(S & W laugh.)

Fozzie: “Hey! Guys? Hey!”

(Gonzo enters.)

Gonzo: “Good evening, culture lovers! Tonight, I will crochet the Declaration of Independence while being shot out of a cannon!”

(He climbs into the cannon. Fozzie leans in after him, yelling, and falls in. They both get shot into S&W's box.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters

Kermit: “Tonight, we’re proud to feature a return engagement from the Four Fazoobs, that Koozebanian musical group. They’re going to try and put something new in their act --”

Statler: “Like music, perhaps? Heh heh heh!”

Kermit: “Yeah. Anyway, they’re restyling themselves as a barbershop quartet, so here they are with straw hats and asteroid belts, The Four Fazoobs!”

SONG: In the barber shop set (from the prairie dog number in the Crystal Gayle episode) with an outer space backdrop, the Four Fazoobs perform an original barbershop song in Koozebanian.

UK SPOT: “Long as I Can See the Light” - sung by Zeke from the jug-band on a winding road at night

DRESSING ROOM: Piggy tries to convince Teri to give up her part in the closing sketch. She insinuates that the costume will be too skimpy, to which Teri counters that it’s quite tasteful. She then feigns offense at the notion of an actress of her caliber being asked to portray a simpering child, and thinks she should “walk”. Teri counters that she’s always wanted to play Little Red Riding Hood.

Teri: “Anything else?”

Piggy: “... No, but I’ll be back.”

(She sighs and exits. Teri raises her eyebrows at the camera.)

SWEDISH CHEF: The Chef makes Baked Alaska by tearing the state of Alaska off of a U.S. map and tossing it in a baking pan and into the oven, before he gets chased off by outraged Eskimos... and a walrus.

BACKSTAGE: Piggy watches from upstairs as the Swedish Chef returns from the stage and Kermit bumps into the cannon, stationed next to his desk.

Kermit: “Will someone get this cannon out of here?!”

Zucchini Brother: “Eh, what’sa matter, froggie? You gotta the 24-hour rental.”

Kermit (sarcastic): “Wonderful.”
(to Zucchini Brother)
“Can we at least move it out of the way? Come on, move it! Move it!”

(The Zucchini Brothers move the cannon back toward the wall.)

Kermit: “Beauregard! Will you cover this thing up?”

(Beauregard throws a sheet over it, and exits.)

Kermit (into intercom): “Okay, Muppet Sports on next! Muppet Sports!”

(He exits. All alone, Piggy springs into action. She grabs a pile of clothes and stuffs them into the cannon. Then she heads back upstairs and knocks on Teri’s dressing room door.)

Piggy: “Oh, Teri!”

(Teri enters, smiling through gritted teeth.)

Teri: “Yes, Miss Piggy?”

Piggy: “Do you remember how you said you wouldn’t do the Red Riding Hood sketch if the costume was too skimpy? Well, I’m afraid you’re stuck.”

Teri: “What do you mean, ‘stuck’?”

Piggy: “Well, it seems that your costume accidentally went through the wash --”

Teri (not buying it): “Accidentally?!”

Piggy: “Mm-hmm, and it shrunk. Closer to my size, actually.”

Teri: “It shrunk DOWN... to PIG-sized.”

(Aside, she glares at the camera.)

Piggy: “If you don’t believe me, see for yourself. It’s in that pile of clothes down there.”

Teri: “This is ridiculous.”

(Teri goes downstairs, and starts pulling clothes out from under the sheet. She leans further and further into the ‘pile’ until she falls into the cannon.)

Teri: “What is this? Where am I? Piggy? PIGGY?!”

(Piggy takes her spot near the trigger.)

Piggy: “Oh, Teri?”

Teri: “What?!”

Piggy: “You’re out. Or should I say, you’re fired?”

(She fires Teri out of the cannon and out of the theater.)

MUPPET SPORTS: Human Cannonball Diving – The Zucchini Brothers launch one of their own out of a cannon, with a swimming pool being the intended target; instead, he lands on Louis Kazagger, knocking them both into the water.

BACKSTAGE: Scooter informs Kermit that Teri has disappeared, and her closing sketch is on next. Piggy enters, feigning innocence over Teri’s disappearance.

Piggy (cheerfully): “Well, the show must go on! I’m sure you’ll think of a suitable replacement, a consummate actress with girlish charms.”

Kermit: “You’re right, I know exactly who to cast.”

Piggy: “Well, thank you.”

Kermit: “Annie Sue.”

Piggy: “... Annie Sue?!”

Kermit: “Well, it’s just that she fits the part of the innocent little girl.”

Piggy: “Oh, I see! And moi doesn’t? Is that it?”

Kermit: “Well it’s, I mean, you’re just too mature for the part.”

Piggy: “WHAT?!”

Kermit: “N-n-not old, Miss Piggy! Just mature. Uh, you see, this part calls for someone who can play naivete, childishness, and you’re all woman.”

Piggy: “Well, I see your point.”

(Annie Sue enters.)

Annie: “Oh, thank you, Mr. Kermit, sir, for choosing me to step in to play Little Red Riding Hood. I feel just like Ruby Keeler in “42nd Street”!”

Piggy (aside): “I’d buy Anne Baxter in “All About Eve”.”

Kermit: “Oh, well you’re welcome, Annie Sue! It was nothing, really, you just fit the part.”

Annie Sue: “Oh, thank you, sir! I DO hope you’ll keep me in mind for more parts in the future, even some grown up roles.”

Kermit: “Oh, well, uh, certainly. You certainly have the beauty and talent to go along with it.”

Annie Sue (modestly): “Oh, thank you, Mr. Kermit, sir. It means so much coming from such a handsome, intelligent, talented frog like yourself.”

(She giggles and he chuckles as she heads for the stage.)

Piggy: “Naivete, huh?! Childishness, huh?!”

(She growls. Kermit gulps, and slinks off to the stage.)

CURTAIN: Kermit announces another program change.

Statler: “That does it. Waldorf, hand me my program.”

Kermit: “Due to the uh, uh, mislocation of our guest star --”

Waldorf (off screen): “Lost another one, did you?”

(S & W laugh.)

Kermit: “-- the part of Little Red Riding Hood will be played by --”

(He gets hit with a paper airplane.)

Waldorf (off screen): "Bullseye!”

Kermit: “-- will be played by --”

(He gets hit by another paper airplane.)

Kermit: “Uh...”

(And another. Then a whole bunch.)

Kermit: “WILL YOU ALL STOP THAT?! Beauregard!”

(Bo enters. He picks up a paper airplane.)

Bo: “Oo, fun!”

Kermit: “Bo, will you get these paper airplanes out of here? As I was saying, the part will be played by our own delightful young star, Annie Sue. Ladies and gentlemen, “Little Red Riding Hood”.”

CLOSING SKETCH: “Red Riding Hood” - Sam narrates while Annie Sue skips down the forest path as Red Riding Hood and Piggy watches from a distance, wearing the same costume.

Sam: “Suddenly, out of the bushes came --”

(The Zucchini Brothers emerge from the bushes.)

Zucchini Brother: “The Flying Zucchinis a-human cannonball a-act!”

(Sam buries his face in his hand, then rushes in from the wings.)

Sam: “Will you get out of here?! You’re in the wrong sketch!”

Zucchini Brother: “Eh, we do good a-work wherever we go! Put him in-a to the cannon.”

Sam: “WHAT?!”

(During the commotion, the Big Bad Wolf (Mean Mama puppet, male character) emerges from stage left, unseen by Annie Sue. Piggy spots him and rushes up to take his cue.)

BBW: “Excuse me! I missed the blocking rehearsal. Is this where I come in?”

Piggy: “Why, yes! I am Little Red Riding Hood. And who might you be?”

BBW: “Why, I’m the big good wolf! Yeah, just your friendly neighborhood Canis Lupis!”

(Back to Sam, the Zucchini Brothers have him in the cannon, crash helmet and all, as Annie Sue stands innocently by.)

Sam: “This is an outrage! You won’t get away with this!”

Zucchini Brother: “What’sa matter, birdie? Can’t a-you fly?”

Sam: “Will you stop this at once?! Kermit!”

(Kermit enters, joining the commotion, as Annie Sue wanders over to the Big Bad Wolf. Seeing her coming, Piggy ducks into the bushes.)

BBW: “Weren't you over here a minute ago?”

(Piggy shushes him. He's delighted to realize there are two of them.)

BBW: “Oh, I get it!”

(Sam rushes over.)

Sam: “Now, wait just a minute! There's only room in this story for one Little Red Riding Hood.”

Annie Sue (still oblivious): “Oh, I know, Sam! That's why Mr. Kermit asked ME to play the role. Well, goodbye!”

(Piggy reemerges.)

BBW: “This must be my lucky day!”

Piggy: “Watch it, buster!”

(She exits. Sam shakes his head in disbelief as BBW looks him over.)

BBW: “I didn't know they were giving me a free Thanksgiving turkey!”

Sam: “I am not a turkey! I am an eagle.”

BBW: “That's close enough. Ha ha ha!”

(Chases him away. The scene changes to Red Riding Hood’s grandmother’s cottage. Mildred plays the grandmother. The Big Bad Wolf enters.)

Mildred: “Are you the big bad wolf?”

‘Big Bad Wolf’: “Eh, close enough for jazz.”

Mildred: “Oh, I don't care for jazz.”

BBW: “Kind of a square, then?”

Mildred: “I suppose so.”

BBW: “That's perfect! I eat three square meals a day!”

(BBW eats Mildred. Piggy and Annie Sue both enter as RRH.)

BBW: “Oh ho! The three little pigs! Well, the two little pigs, anyway. Got another friend? Heh heh! Let's see.”
(He looks over Piggy.)
“You're the one who built her house out of bricks...”
(To Annie Sue)
“You built yours out of sticks --”

(Link enters as woodsman.)

BBW: “This one looks like he built his house out of bubble gum wrappers.”

Link: “Huh?”

BACKSTAGE (intercut): Teri has returned, and tries to convince Kermit to let her go on.

Teri: "I didn't come all this way -- twice, in fact -- just to do one number. Please, Kermit?"

(She kisses him. He concedes, says he'll make an announcement.)

ONSTAGE: Kermit enters, interrupting the sketch

Kermit: “Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have an important casting announcement.”

Link: “Is this is the frog who turns into a prince?”

BBW: “Frog or prince, I'll eat him up either way.”

Kermit: “Uh, wait a minute.”

(BBW eats Kermit. Piggy storms up to him.)

Piggy: “That does it! Nobody devours my frog!”

BBW: “Frog legs were just the appetizer. Those ham hocks are the main course.”

(He devours her.)

Annie Sue: “Miss Piggy! Are you all right?”

Piggy: “You don't want to know.”

(BBW eats Annie Sue. Link looks on, shuddering. He tries to back away silently.)

BBW: “Where do you think YOU'RE going?”

(BBW chases him around the room.)

Link: “Help! Oh, help!”

(Just as BBW corners Link and grabs him, Teri enters. BBW switches his attention to her.)

BBW (to Link, sotto voce): “Get out of here.”

Link: “Oh, thank you!”

(Link runs out the door. While Teri’s attention is on Link, BBW quickly jumps under the covers.)

Teri: “Was that the, uh, brave woodcutter?”

BBW: “No, that was the cowardly woodcutter. He also does odd jobs, I just had him in to change a light bulb.”

(BBW and Teri go through the whole RRH spiel, ending with BBW chasing Teri around the room. When he traps her in a corner and she cries for help, the Zucchini Brothers enter.)

Zucchini Brother: “Don’t a-worry, lady! We’ll a-get him!”

(They aim the cannon at him and start firing, sending him running around the room. Sam enters.)

Sam: “Stop! Stop! This is getting completely out of hand.”

(He gets knocked out by a cannonball.)

Teri: “But what about my friends who are trapped in there?”

(The Zucchini Brothers huddle.)

Zucchini Brother: “Hey, you in a-there! Squoosh-a up! Up-a!”

(Annie Sue pokes her head up into BBW’s mouth. The Zucchini Brothers fire a cannonball at BBW’s gut, launching Annie Sue out of him. Repeat for Piggy, Kermit, and Mildred. BBW faints. Link appears at window.)

Link: “Is he gone?”

Teri: “Yes.”

(Link clears his throat and enters grandly.)

Link: “It is I, the brave and handsome woodcutter, here to save the day and vanquish the big bad wolf.”

Teri (sarcastic): “My hero.”

Kermit: “Well, I don't know what that was all about, but we seem to be all in one piece.”

Teri: “Which is more than I can say for this sketch.”

(Kermit whimpers.)

Teri: “How about a musical finish?”

Kermit: “Terrific!”

Teri (to off-screen orchestra): “Hit it, boys!”
(to Kermit and Link)
“You know, you put us in a lot of danger out here.”

Piggy: “That's right!”

Annie Sue: “Yeah!”

(They sing a verse of “You Could Drive a Person Crazy”,

Teri/Piggy/Annie Sue (sung): “You could drive a person crazy,
You could drive a person mad.
First you make a person hazy
So a person could be had,
But worse than that,
A person that
Puts a girl in danger and then leaves her flat!
You're crazy,
You're a lovely person,
You're a moving,
Deeply maladjusted,
Never to be trusted,
Crazy person yourself
.”

Piggy: “You know, I’m usually beyond little girl roles.”

Teri: “Me too, but every once in a while, aren’t they fun?”

Piggy: “Oh, yes indeed!”

Annie Sue: “I’m still waiting for my first grown-up role to come along.”

Piggy: “Just shut up and sing, Annie Sue.”
(off her look)
“We’ll buy you an ice cream cone later.”

(Annie Sue smiles, excitedly. The three ladies head upstage.)

Teri (sung): “Three little maids from school are we

Annie Sue (sung): “Pert as a school-girl well can be

Piggy (spoken): “Filled to the brim with girlish glee”

Teri/Piggy/Annie Sue (sung): “Three little maids from school

Teri (sung): “Everything is a source of fun

Piggy (sung): “Nobody's safe, for we care for none

Annie Sue (sung): “Life is a joke that's just begun

Teri/Piggy/Annie Sue (sung): “Three little maids from school

Link (singing): “I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I'm perfectly calm,
I'm utterly under control.
I haven't a worry:
Where others would hurry, I stroll
.”

(Teri approaches.)

Teri (singing): “When I’m calling YOU-ou-ou-OU-ou-ou-OU...”

(Kermit enters.)

Kermit: “Is that the “Indian Love Call”?”

Teri: “No, just a hog call.”

(Kermit and Teri laugh. Link looks confused.)

Mildred: “I’ve been eated --”
(spoken)
“Um, eaten.”
(sung)
Been mistreated.
When will I be loved
?”

(They all join together for “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf”. Big finish. APPLAUSE. BBW staggers to his feet.)

BBW: “I'm hungry for those good things, baby,
Hungry through and through
--”

(He chases everybody away. FADE OUT.)

GOODNIGHTS: Fade up on the red curtain. Kermit enters.

Kermit: “Well, we’ve just come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us say “thank you” to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Teri Garr!”

(Kermit cheers as Teri enters.)

Kermit: “Hey Teri, we really want to thank you for being on the show tonight.”

Teri: “Well thank you, Kermit. You know, I’d really like to thank you for having me. After all, before tonight I’d never had the opportunity to, oh, get locked in a cage, uh, get shot out of a cannon, oh, and almost be eaten alive!”

Kermit: “Well, uh, actually you fared better than a lot of guest stars, and about as well our cast.”

Teri: “Oh, good. At least I’m being treated like one of your own.”

(They chuckle.)

Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

(Teri, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Annie Sue, Link, Mildred, a Zucchini Brother, Shirley the Bird, the birdlike Koozebanian, and the Gray Frackle gather around.)

Statler: “I feel sorry for the guests on this show having to work with all these loose cannons!”

(Off-screen, a cannon goes off, launching a Zucchini Brother into Statler & Waldorf’s box.)

Waldorf: “And with the Muppets, too!”



Comments encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
 
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kathy26

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Who Performed These Characters
Beautiful Day Monster
Season Five Frackles
the Zucchini Brothers
the Four Fazoobs
Eskimos
Walrus
Big Bad Wolf
 

Gorgon Heap

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Who Performed These Characters
Beautiful Day Monster: Richard
Season Five Frackles: Jerry, Dave, Louise, Steve, Kathy, Betsy
the Zucchini Brothers: Dave as the blue one (who has most of the dialogue), Richard as the gray one, Steve as the pink one
the Four Fazoobs: same performers as the Steve Martin episode :wink:
Eskimos: Louise, Steve
Walrus: Jerry
Big Bad Wolf: Jerry
 

kathy26

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Beautiful Day Monster: Richard
Season Five Frackles: Jerry, Dave, Louise, Steve, Kathy, Betsy
the Zucchini Brothers: Dave as the blue one (who has most of the dialogue), Richard as the gray one, Steve as the pink one
the Four Fazoobs: same performers as the Steve Martin episode :wink:
Eskimos: Louise, Steve
Walrus: Jerry
Big Bad Wolf: Jerry
Oops forgot about Weird Creatures from the Cold open
 

Blue Weirdo

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As soon as I read they were doing a Red Riding Hood skit I began wondering which character would get eaten. Did not see the chaos that followed coming but it is believable Muppet chaos.

Only thing I question (not criticise just ponder) is the length. That's one problem I have when trying to make my own of these is figuirng out how much to put in to make a believable half hour episode.
 

Gorgon Heap

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Only thing I question (not criticise just ponder) is the length. That's one problem I have when trying to make my own of these is figuirng out how much to put in to make a believable half hour episode.
If you're referring to the number of sketches, I'll often reference how many sketches were in episodes around that time (I used to err on the side of too many). If you're referring to how much to include or exclude, i.e. dialogue, that varies widely with me depending on how easily I'm able to flesh out the scenes or not.
 

Gorgon Heap

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Do Any of the frackles from opening number appear backstage after their number is over?
Yes: the Jade Green Frackle, Pink Frackle, and the other Green Frackle.

Kermit: "Great number, guys. Way to go!"
Green Frackle (Jerry): "10-4, green buddy."
Kermit (not understanding): "Yeah, okay. Right."
 
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