Ford was a radio and television personality and country and gospel singer, most famous for the song "Sixteen Tons". Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Tennessee Ernie Ford!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD September 12, 2005
STYLE: MID-SEASON ONE (circa Charles Aznavour)
OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: "My agent is so short, he has his suits tailored at a doll shop."
TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD: in the Talk Spot set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Hilda, Rowlf, and Animal
GONZO: hits the 'O' with a loaf of French bread
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Welcome one and all to another edition of The Muppet Show. Tonight should be a great one because our guest star is that great singer Tennessee Ernie Ford. Why tonight, even Statler and Waldorf should have a good time."
Statler: "Don't bet on it, frog!"
Waldorf: "Great, wonderful!"
Statler: "What?"
Waldorf: "Oh Statler, why didn't you tell me that Edgar Bergen was on the show tonight? He's really killing 'em! I can't see him very well, but he sounds great."
Statler: "That's not Edgar Bergen, that's the frog! Something must be wrong with your hearing aid."
Waldorf: "Oh, they just announced the call letters. I must be picking up a local radio broadcast."
Statler: "Hmmph! You'll miss the show."
(Pause)
"Here, lean in closer, will ya?"
(They both lean inward. Statler puts his ear up to Waldorf's hearing aid.)
Kermit: "Will you two hold it down up there? Anyway, right now let's start the music, bring up the spotlight and get things rolling on The Muppet Show!"
OPENING NUMBER: "Two Faces Have I"- a teenage boy Muppet (voiced by Jerry Nelson) sings in front of his bedroom mirror (bedroom decked out with 50's teen memorabilia), while his 'other face' (a monstrous head, voice of Frank Oz) mugs to the camera while hiding from the boy. When the boy catches on and sees the other face, the other face joins in and they finish the song together.
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is super-confident that his act will be a hit.
SONG: "Sixteen Tons"- Tennessee Ernie sings in a mine set with miners (Whatnots, Boppity, and Droop).
Waldorf: "Ah, it's too bad you can't hear the radio programs my hearing aid has picked up. They just played Tennessee Ernie Ford's rendition of "Sixteen Tons"."
Statler: "You old fool, that wasn't a radio. That was Tennessee Ernie Ford on stage!"
Waldorf: "I just told you, he didn't sing "Rock of Ages", it was "Sixteen Tons"! Have you been listening to a word I've said?"
Statler: "... I quit."
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "And now, we're proud to present our resident comic and ursine, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Fozzie Bear!"
FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Waldorf laughs throughout Fozzie's monologue, to Fozzie's delight, but what he doesn't know is that Waldorf is actually listening to "Fibber McGee and Molly" on his radio/hearing aid.
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is full of himself after 'cracking up the old heckler' with his monologue.
Kermit: "I get the feeling this is going to make him unBEARable." (He grimaces.)
AT THE DANCE-
Mildred: "George, what's your take on current affairs?"
George: "How can I talk about affairs? I'm not even married!"
(New shot of Piggy with brown-haired male pig)
Male Pig: "You know, you've really got my senses all in a whirl."
Piggy: "Oh, you mean my beauty is leaving you intoxicated?"
Male Pig: "No, your perfume is making me nauseous."
(New shot of Zoot & Janice)
Janice: "Do you ever feel like leaving all this behind?"
Zoot: "Oh, don't talk like that, baby! You ain't got that much baggage south of the border!"
(Zoot nods, satisfied. New shot of Shouting Lady and the guy with the mustache)
Shouting Lady: "So I've been getting a lot of complaints from my neighbors lately! They said I woke them up at 6 in the morning!"
Mustached Man: "Eh, what were you doing?"
Shouting Lady: "Just singing in the shower!"
(New shot of Animal and 'Sexy Muppet'.)
Sexy Muppet: "Do you like to swim, Animal?"
Animal: "OH, YEARR!"
Sexy Muppet: "I sure like to go for a dip."
Animal: "OH, AWR RIGHT! Two, three, DIP!"
(WHUMP! He dips her against the floor.)
UK SPOT: "May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose"- Rowlf sings and plays the piano, with the backing of the 'bird of paradise' (OhBoy Bird)
SONG: "Milk 'Em in the Morning Blues"- Ernie, as a farmer, sings in a barnyard setting while trying to milk the cow (the Richard Hunt Gladys-esque cow)
Statler: "What are you listening to now?"
Waldorf: "Commercial. It's for weatherstripping."
Statler: "Is it interesting?"
Waldorf: "No."
Statler: "You wanna take a break and watch the show for a bit?"
Waldorf: "I'll pass."
VETS HOSPITAL- Beautiful Day Monster is the patient; he needs an expensive operation but can't afford it, so he continually asks Dr. Bob "You got anything CHEAPER?"
Dr. Bob: "You don't seem to understand. This is a necessary operation. It's a matter of life and death."
BD: "I get that part, but have you got anything cheaper?"
Dr. Bob: "Listen, don't you have any insurance?"
BD: "Oh yes. I'm insured by Corny's Driveway Paving and Medical Insurance Company."
Dr. Bob: "Will they pay for the operation?"
BD: "Yes, but only if I've been run over by farm equipment in my living room between 3:00 and 3:30 p.m. in the afternoon on Memorial Day."
Dr. Bob: "Goodness, did all of that actually happen to you?"
BD: "No, I was five minutes late."
Dr. Bob: "Well, you're still going to need this operation."
BD: "You got anything cheaper?"
Dr. Bob: "Well, I can use a cheaper anesthetic, that'll take it down to $450."
BD: "You got anything cheaper?"
Dr. Bob: "I can use my cheapest anesthetic and knock it down to $400. Hand me the anesthetic."
Piggy: "Anesthetic doctor."
(She hands him a mallet.)
BD: "Got anything cheaper?"
Dr. Bob: "Well, if we do it without anesthetic, I can knock off five bucks."
BD: "Good."
Dr. Bob: "No good, I have to add $5 back in for earplugs."
BD: "What you need earplugs for?"
Dr. Bob: "We operate on you with no anesthetic, you'll find out?"
BD: "No. You got anything cheaper?"
Dr. Bob: "... Well, we could delay the effects with some strong meds, probably run you about $20."
Janice: "But, Dr. Bob, won't he still need the operation eventually?"
Dr. Bob: "Yes, but it buys me time to get an office that this guy won't find."
(BD nods.)
Announcer: "And so Dr. Bob has prescribed procrastination to his pauper patient. Tune in next week when you'll hear the monster say-"
BD: "You got anything cheaper?"
Dr. Bob: "... Why don't you just have an apple a day so I can keep myself away?"
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is gloating about how well his monologue went, and Kermit reluctantly tries to explain why Waldorf was really laughing. But he doesn't have the heart to do it.
WAYNE & WANDA- "On the Street Where You Live"- Wayne sings to Wanda, who is at her window, but gets run over by a car
BACKSTAGE: Kermit resolves to tell Fozzie the truth about his monologue. Only just as he's about to, Fozzie tells a joke and it's actually funny, to the point that Kermit laughs.
Fozzie: "So what was it you wanted to tell me?"
Kermit: "Just that, uh, out of all the bears I've ever met, you're the only one who's a comedian."
Fozzie: "Oh, THANK YOU Kermit!"
Kermit: "Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss."
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "And now once again, this time with backed by the Muppet Tabernacle Choir, is our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Tennessee Ernie Ford."
CLOSING NUMBER: "Amazing Grace"- Tennessee Ernie sings in a tabernacle with the Muppet Tabernacle Choir (Piggy, Mildred, Hilda, Zoot, Gonzo, Scooter, Boppity, Gloat, Droop, 3 Whatnots)
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit stands in front of the curtain.
Kermit: "Well that about puts the lid on it for this week, but before we go, let's have a warm round of applause for Mr. Tennessee Ernie Ford!"
(Ernie enters.)
Ernie: "Thank you, Kermit. It's been great doing this show. I've had a wonderful time and I've made a lot of new friends."
Kermit: "Oh? Like who?"
(The cow enters.)
Ernie: "Like this little gal, for instance! Guess you could say I've had a mooooving experience!"
Kermit: "That's our kind of joke, Ernie. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
(Tennessee Ernie, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Hilda, the Cow, and OhBoy Bird gather around.)
Statler: "So, you think you'll be getting a new hearing aid?"
Waldorf: "Why? I can come here each week and not watch the show!"
Statler: "In that case, I'LL get a new hearing aid!"
(S & W laugh.)
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