Welcome to the Muppet Central Forum!
Jim Henson Idea Man
Back to the Rock Season 2
Bear arrives on Disney+
Sam and Friends Book
Gorgon Heap
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2002
- Messages
- 1,624
- Reaction score
- 151
Princeton approached me with the idea of collaborating, and when he said Sid Caesar, Season Two, I jumped at the chance. We were brainstorming ideas and I'm only sorry that I didn't put the finishing touches on this one sooner. Sid is a legend in comedy, one of the first genuine TV stars, and would've been a hoot on the show. Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Sid Caesar!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: SID CAESAR
STYLE: EARLY SEASON TWO (circa Don Knotts, Zero Mostel)
COLD OPENING: Gorgon Heap makes a 'Caesar salad'.
Sid: "I'm surrounded by cretins."
Gorgon: "Oh, those are croutons."
Sid: "... Like I said..."
OPENING THEME:
S & W: S: "Let's just cut to the finish!"
GONZO: ice cubes come out of the trumpet
OPENING NUMBER: "Rescue Me"- Piggy as a maiden in a tower, guarded by a purple dragon, with Kermit as her knight in shining armor trying to rescue (and avoid the dragon, who tries to eat him)
Statler: "Know who I'd like to frog to rescue?"
Waldorf: "Who?"
Statler: "Us!"
(S & W laugh.)
Waldorf: "Eh, but we can leave anytime."
Statler: "Too true."
(Beat)
"Of course, my foot's asleep."
Waldorf: "Me too."
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Gonzo are attempting to practice for the closing number, the matador sketch, in which they play front and back halves of a bull. Just then, Scooter arrives with a crate sent by his uncle J.P. Grosse for the sketch, containing a live bull!
SKETCH: Sid is a German psychoanalyst, Dr. Schultz, with Shaky Sanchez as his patient, who is being evaluated with the possibility of ending his therapy. His symptoms- fits, convulsions, sharp pains, and hallucinations about monsters- are gone. But partway through the session, his convulsions return.
Shaky: "It feels like the chair is electrified! Ack!"
(Dr. Schultz is concerned that his symptoms are coming back. The chair back folds in and mashes his head, the chair arms hit him, and the back cushion throttles him. Just then, three big monsters- Timmy, Big Mama, and Gorgon Heap- creep up from behind the chair and try to eat him. All the while, the doc sees none of it.)
Dr. Schultz: "Why Mr. Sanchez, what's eating you?"
(Shaky is a mess and opts to continue his sessions with Dr. Schultz. He leaves, at which point, the monsters return and Dr. Schultz gives them their pay for a job well done.)
Waldorf: "Boy that Sid Caesar's a brilliant comedian, isn't he?"
Statler: "Yeah, but I wouldn't wanna pay his expenses!"
(S & W laugh.)
MUPPET LABS: Windproof wigs
Bunsen: "Well, I've got some good news for all you baldies out there: Muppet Labs' all-new Windproof Wigs. Yes, these wigs are completely resistant to the elements and will stay on even in tornado conditions, as my follicly-challenged assistant Beaker will now demonstrate."
(Bunsen puts a goofy-looking fro wig on an incredulous Beaker.)
Bunsen: "Now, we have only to turn on this overlarge theatrical fan, which is capable of generating winds of over 50 mph."
(Beaker begs him not to. Bunsen does. Beaker starts to fly and flail around, the wig seemingly being all that's keeping him in place. Instead of the wind blowing away from Beaker, Beaker blows away from it. Bunsen steps in front of the fan to retrieve him.)
Bunsen: "Oh Beaker, come back here! Whoa! Oop! Uh, that's all today from Muppet Labs! WHOOAAAAA!!!"
(Bunsen blows away.)
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Gonzo are relieved that they have been replaced, but Kermit assures them that they haven't been. They try to prove that they should be by putting on the bull costume and doing their bit.
Fozzie: "This is humiliating. Give us one good reason why you won't use the real bull."
(The bull tries to break out of the crate. Fozzie and Gonzo, still in costume, run off in opposite directions, at first unable to move because of the costume, then splitting it and running away.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: Shaky is the patient, in with a case of nerves
Dr. Bob: "Well, what's eating you?"
Shaky: "Aah!"
(Turns and looks)
"Whew! Thankfully nothing, at the moment."
(Dr. Bob gives him a good rest... with a mallet.)
Announcer: "So Dr. Bob has delivered a knockout performance. Tune in next week when we'll hear him say..."
Dr. Bob: "How do you like that? He's out like a light."
(The light falls down. Dr. Bob laughs while the nurses groan.)
UK SPOT: "Put on a Happy Face"- in a SS-style wall set, two Whatnots sing while doing their faces. One keeps messing with the other's face as a joke, but the other ignores it... up to a point, at which point the face sabotaging builds to the climax, and at the song's end, they're waging all out war on each other's faces (think of the end of the closing Mummenschanz sketch.)
TALK SPOT: Sid waits for Fozzie, who then enters in a confusing amalgam of various international garb- a sombrero, a tartan, a kimono, a scarf, and a watch & chain- all set to get Sid's advice on how to do dialect comedy. Sid teaches Fozzie some dialects, only to be chased away by the Swedish Chef.
Fozzie: "Boy! When you're a success in this business, it seems like EVERYBODY'S out to get you."
SONG: "Baby Mine"- Rowlf sings to a real kitten
BACKSTAGE: The bull has calmed down and Fozzie and Gonzo have reluctantly agreed to go on. They all head to the stage- just before the bull escapes from the crate!
CURTAIN: Kermit tells the folks behind the curtain to be quiet (unaware of the bull.)
CLOSING NUMBER: "Matador sketch"- Sid plays the matador (wit Shaky as his assistant), and finds Fozzie's & Gonzo's bull costume quite convincing (natch, it's the real bull). When the bull starts overdoing it, butting Sid around, he threatens the bull, only to have the real Fozzie & Gonzo bump into him from behind (being unable to see out of the costume) and to realize his error too late. They all run around the ring, with the crowd going wild, and with Shaky getting tossed by the Bull into S & W's box. Sid tells the band to play something soothing, and they play "Aloha Oe" (sp?), to which Sid and company sing along (including Shaky and S & W).
Statler: "I've always said this show is a load of bull!"
(S & W laugh.)
GOODNIGHTS: Sid and the Bull enter, both clad in Hawaiian outfits and dancing the hula.
Sid: "Thank you, Kermit. I could stay here all night."
Kermit: "Oh, you mean you liked the show that much?"
Sid: "No, I mean if I stop dancing, he'll tear us all to ribbons. Get the picture?"
Kermit: "Yeah, in technicolor."
Sid: "Well, shake a flipper, pal. The more the merrier."
Kermit: "Er, you got it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show."
(Sid, Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Shaky Sanchez, and the Bull all dance, as "The Muppet Show Theme" plays Hawaiian style.)
Statler: "Well, shall we bid 'em aloha?"
(The Bull enters, raging. They quickly start with the music and dancing, to which the Bull joins in.)
S & W (singing): "Aloha oe, farewell to thee..."
Feedback encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Sid Caesar!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: SID CAESAR
STYLE: EARLY SEASON TWO (circa Don Knotts, Zero Mostel)
COLD OPENING: Gorgon Heap makes a 'Caesar salad'.
Sid: "I'm surrounded by cretins."
Gorgon: "Oh, those are croutons."
Sid: "... Like I said..."
OPENING THEME:
S & W: S: "Let's just cut to the finish!"
GONZO: ice cubes come out of the trumpet
OPENING NUMBER: "Rescue Me"- Piggy as a maiden in a tower, guarded by a purple dragon, with Kermit as her knight in shining armor trying to rescue (and avoid the dragon, who tries to eat him)
Statler: "Know who I'd like to frog to rescue?"
Waldorf: "Who?"
Statler: "Us!"
(S & W laugh.)
Waldorf: "Eh, but we can leave anytime."
Statler: "Too true."
(Beat)
"Of course, my foot's asleep."
Waldorf: "Me too."
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Gonzo are attempting to practice for the closing number, the matador sketch, in which they play front and back halves of a bull. Just then, Scooter arrives with a crate sent by his uncle J.P. Grosse for the sketch, containing a live bull!
SKETCH: Sid is a German psychoanalyst, Dr. Schultz, with Shaky Sanchez as his patient, who is being evaluated with the possibility of ending his therapy. His symptoms- fits, convulsions, sharp pains, and hallucinations about monsters- are gone. But partway through the session, his convulsions return.
Shaky: "It feels like the chair is electrified! Ack!"
(Dr. Schultz is concerned that his symptoms are coming back. The chair back folds in and mashes his head, the chair arms hit him, and the back cushion throttles him. Just then, three big monsters- Timmy, Big Mama, and Gorgon Heap- creep up from behind the chair and try to eat him. All the while, the doc sees none of it.)
Dr. Schultz: "Why Mr. Sanchez, what's eating you?"
(Shaky is a mess and opts to continue his sessions with Dr. Schultz. He leaves, at which point, the monsters return and Dr. Schultz gives them their pay for a job well done.)
Waldorf: "Boy that Sid Caesar's a brilliant comedian, isn't he?"
Statler: "Yeah, but I wouldn't wanna pay his expenses!"
(S & W laugh.)
MUPPET LABS: Windproof wigs
Bunsen: "Well, I've got some good news for all you baldies out there: Muppet Labs' all-new Windproof Wigs. Yes, these wigs are completely resistant to the elements and will stay on even in tornado conditions, as my follicly-challenged assistant Beaker will now demonstrate."
(Bunsen puts a goofy-looking fro wig on an incredulous Beaker.)
Bunsen: "Now, we have only to turn on this overlarge theatrical fan, which is capable of generating winds of over 50 mph."
(Beaker begs him not to. Bunsen does. Beaker starts to fly and flail around, the wig seemingly being all that's keeping him in place. Instead of the wind blowing away from Beaker, Beaker blows away from it. Bunsen steps in front of the fan to retrieve him.)
Bunsen: "Oh Beaker, come back here! Whoa! Oop! Uh, that's all today from Muppet Labs! WHOOAAAAA!!!"
(Bunsen blows away.)
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Gonzo are relieved that they have been replaced, but Kermit assures them that they haven't been. They try to prove that they should be by putting on the bull costume and doing their bit.
Fozzie: "This is humiliating. Give us one good reason why you won't use the real bull."
(The bull tries to break out of the crate. Fozzie and Gonzo, still in costume, run off in opposite directions, at first unable to move because of the costume, then splitting it and running away.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: Shaky is the patient, in with a case of nerves
Dr. Bob: "Well, what's eating you?"
Shaky: "Aah!"
(Turns and looks)
"Whew! Thankfully nothing, at the moment."
(Dr. Bob gives him a good rest... with a mallet.)
Announcer: "So Dr. Bob has delivered a knockout performance. Tune in next week when we'll hear him say..."
Dr. Bob: "How do you like that? He's out like a light."
(The light falls down. Dr. Bob laughs while the nurses groan.)
UK SPOT: "Put on a Happy Face"- in a SS-style wall set, two Whatnots sing while doing their faces. One keeps messing with the other's face as a joke, but the other ignores it... up to a point, at which point the face sabotaging builds to the climax, and at the song's end, they're waging all out war on each other's faces (think of the end of the closing Mummenschanz sketch.)
TALK SPOT: Sid waits for Fozzie, who then enters in a confusing amalgam of various international garb- a sombrero, a tartan, a kimono, a scarf, and a watch & chain- all set to get Sid's advice on how to do dialect comedy. Sid teaches Fozzie some dialects, only to be chased away by the Swedish Chef.
Fozzie: "Boy! When you're a success in this business, it seems like EVERYBODY'S out to get you."
SONG: "Baby Mine"- Rowlf sings to a real kitten
BACKSTAGE: The bull has calmed down and Fozzie and Gonzo have reluctantly agreed to go on. They all head to the stage- just before the bull escapes from the crate!
CURTAIN: Kermit tells the folks behind the curtain to be quiet (unaware of the bull.)
CLOSING NUMBER: "Matador sketch"- Sid plays the matador (wit Shaky as his assistant), and finds Fozzie's & Gonzo's bull costume quite convincing (natch, it's the real bull). When the bull starts overdoing it, butting Sid around, he threatens the bull, only to have the real Fozzie & Gonzo bump into him from behind (being unable to see out of the costume) and to realize his error too late. They all run around the ring, with the crowd going wild, and with Shaky getting tossed by the Bull into S & W's box. Sid tells the band to play something soothing, and they play "Aloha Oe" (sp?), to which Sid and company sing along (including Shaky and S & W).
Statler: "I've always said this show is a load of bull!"
(S & W laugh.)
GOODNIGHTS: Sid and the Bull enter, both clad in Hawaiian outfits and dancing the hula.
Sid: "Thank you, Kermit. I could stay here all night."
Kermit: "Oh, you mean you liked the show that much?"
Sid: "No, I mean if I stop dancing, he'll tear us all to ribbons. Get the picture?"
Kermit: "Yeah, in technicolor."
Sid: "Well, shake a flipper, pal. The more the merrier."
Kermit: "Er, you got it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show."
(Sid, Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Shaky Sanchez, and the Bull all dance, as "The Muppet Show Theme" plays Hawaiian style.)
Statler: "Well, shall we bid 'em aloha?"
(The Bull enters, raging. They quickly start with the music and dancing, to which the Bull joins in.)
S & W (singing): "Aloha oe, farewell to thee..."
Feedback encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
In the light of the cold opening I wonder if Sid paid Gorgon Heap any extra money than Timmy or Mama as part of a bribe not to turn him into a Caesar salad