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Gorgon Heap
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... Or, "Occasion of the Body Switchers". This was an idea I always wanted to do, sort of an expansion of what they did in "Pigs in Space" on the Harry Belafonte episode (I think I came up with my idea before I saw that).
Jim Croce, for those who don't recognize the name, was a recording artist who mainly became famous following his tragic death in a plane crash in 1973. He was and is one of my favorites and so having originally thought of doing an outline with him probably a year or two ago, I finally made some notes back in August (during my vacation, visiting my grandparents in Cincinnati) and just a few hours ago sat down to work on several things, including my upcoming Peter Lorre outline, and I figured I'd begin this one too. Didn't take long.
So, submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Jim Croce! YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JIM CROCE
STYLE: EARLY SEASON THREE (circa Leo Sayer, Roy Clark)
COLD OPENING: A repeated whacking sound is audible. Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: "Jim Croce! Jim Croce! 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Croce."
Jim: "Thank you, Scooter."
(Pull back to reveal Gorgon Heap and Big Mama playing tennis in Jim's dressing room.)
Jim: "Say, I don't wanna sound like I'm complaining, but why are there two monsters playing tennis in my dressing room?"
Scooter: "Because we didn't have enough to make it a doubles match."
(Scooter exits.)
Jim (close-up, to camera): "I'm sorry I asked."
OPENING NUMBER: "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"- Jim in a bar with the Electric Mayhem, Whatnots, and DogLion as Leroy
Waldorf: "I've seen my fair share of bad men."
Statler: "I should say so. Who else had his lunch money stolen by Attila the Hun? HA HA HA HA HA!"
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen's Laser-Powered Brain-Dyeing Device has a malfunction backstage, during which the brains of several characters are SWITCHED: Kermit's with Piggy's, Fozzie's with Gonzo's, Rowlf's with Scooter's, Bunsen's with Beaker's, Sam the Eagle's with the Swedish Chef's, Beauregard's with the Newsman's, and DogLion's with a rat's.
Kermit quickly changes the running order to try and accommodate the problem (at least as much as possible). Muppet Labs is on next.
MUPPET LABS: Beaker (in Bunsen's body), mouthes Bunsen's words while Bunsen (in Beaker's body) speaks from concealment behind a Freeze-Dried Printing Press.
Bunsen (voice): "Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And it's breakthrough time again because today's the day we unveil our new Freeze-Dried Printing Press, which I will now demonstrate."
(Beaker, furious at Bunsen's tactic to elude his own invention, pulls Bunsen out from behind the printing press.)
Bunsen (voice): "I mean, which my assistant Beaker-"
(They point at each other.)
Bunsen: "-Will now demonstrate. Couldn't we talk about this?!"
(When the thing won't work, Bunsen meeps and ducks out of the way while Beaker comes over to inspect. Naturally Beaker gets clobbered, as usual.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit (in Piggy's body) orders Bunsen to try and reverse the damage. Piggy laments the situation.
Piggy: "Oh twist of fate! To be trapped in my frog's gorgeous body! Although if I do say so, my own body looks to die for."
Kermit: (sarcastic) "Swell."
(Fozzie's monologue is on next, so he gives his cue cards and some timing tips to Gonzo, who he exchanged bodies with.)
CURTAIN: Piggy tries to lip-synch to Kermit, who reads his intro from behind the curtain.
FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Gonzo does Fozzie's monologue and gets tremendous laughs, to Fozzie's chagrin.
Waldorf: "Now why can't the bear be that good every week?"
Statler: "I don't know, but whatever it was he changed, let's hope it stays that way."
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is upset at the positive reaction Gonzo got with HIS material.
THE GREAT GONZO: Fozzie tries to tell jokes while doing Gonzo's act- dancing the old softshoe while hauling an ice cream truck off the floor with a rope. Naturally, he breaks his focus and Gonzo's back.
Statler: "Well, we all scream for ice cream."
(S & W chuckle.)
Waldorf: "Yes, and right now I bet I know what Gonzo's scream for ice cream sounds like."
Statler: "Oh, what?"
Waldorf: "GET IT OFF ME!"
(S & W laugh.)
CURTAIN: Piggy bungles Kermit's intro, and thus their lip-synch.
SONG: "Minute Waltz"- Scooter (in Rowlf's body) uses the one finger hunt and peck method of piano playing, while in the wings, Rowlf is so distraught at Scooter's making him look foolish that he rushes onstage to play it himself- thus causing the audience to erupt in applause and cheers of "Scooter! Scooter!" Rowlf frets, then shrugs and takes his bows.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy, the initial shock wearing off, is intrigued by the situation.
Piggy: "You know, I've never felt this close to you before."
Kermit: "Piggy, you are me. That's my body you're occupying, and don't enjoy it too much. I'm not."
Piggy: "Oh, Kermie! Don't you enjoy being close to moi?"
Kermit: "No I don't. It hurts to move this much weight around. Feels like I'm moving a mausoleum from the inside."
Piggy: "Oh yeah?! HI-YA!"
(She chops him.)
Kermit: "Oh yeah? Well how would you like a taste of your own medicine?"
(He weakly chops her.)
Piggy: "Kermie dear, karate has nothing to do with outside body strength- it's all mental."
Kermit: "Oh. I forgot."
(She chops him again.)
SONG: "Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels)"- Jim in a telephone booth on a lamplit street corner, with Dr. Teeth, Floyd, and Janice providing backup instrumentation and vocals in the dimly moonlit background.
UK SPOT- SONG: "New York's Not My Home"- a homeless man (Whatnot) sings seated on the street against a brick building as pairs of feet pass by him.
SONG: "Photographs & Memories"- Jim sings in a bedroom set, with Muppy by his side.
Waldorf: "Ah, hearing that song brings back a memory of the love I lost."
Statler: "Oh?"
Waldorf: "Yes. It was all sunny days and picnics and carriage rides and spooning and bicycles built for two, until something terrible happened."
Statler: "What happened?"
Waldorf: "I married her."
(Statler laughs, Waldorf shakes his head.)
BACKSTAGE: The Newsman (in Beauregard's body) coaches Beauregard (in the Newsman's body) on how to read the news and do his voice.
Kermit: "But aren't you going out there with him?"
Newsman: "Are you kidding? This is the first opportunity I've had in years to lower my insurance premium!"
MUPPET NEWS: Beauregard (in the Newsman's body) reads the newscast unscathed- it's about a rare bird that only attacks janitors. Meanwhile in the wings, the Newsman (in Bo's body) gets attacked by the bird.
BACKSTAGE: Sam categorically refuses to do the Swedish Chef's spot. Kermit threatens to fire him, then hits upon an important question.
Kermit: "Hey Sam, come to think of it, I don't remember ever actually hiring you. What is it you do here, anyway?"
Sam: "Well, I was brought in to uh, to uh... to do the Swedish Chef's act, of course!"
(He rushes to the stage.)
SWEDISH CHEF: Sam does his best mock-Swedish while preparing stuffed cabbage. He finds that he's been given only silly things to stuff it with, and he complies begrudgingly, gradually accepting it, and finally hamming it up and loving every second of it.
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen has fixed the Laser-Powered Brain-Dyeing Device, and just in time- Sam is starting to LOVE being the Swedish Chef. Once back in his own body, he starts to come down, and snaps back into his own cranky self.
Sam: "After all, someone around here has to shmur deer flur de geef norf-"
(Sam covers his mouth in embarrassment.)
CLOSING NUMBER: "Roller Derby Queen"- in the same bar set, surrounded by Whatnots and the Electric Mayhem, Jim watches the roller derby queen (Piggy) on the little TV set, only for her to show up at the end of the number and karate chop him.
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "And now that our minds are back where they matter, I've got a good mind to bring this edition of The Muppet Show to an end. But not before we give a warm thank you to our very special guest star Mr. Jim Croce! YAAAAYYYY!!"
(Jim enters with a chicken. Bunsen comes up behind Kermit.)
Bunsen: "Psst! Psst! Psst! Mr. Kermit, there's something I ought to inform you about."
Kermit: "Let it wait, Bunsen. The emergency is over."
Chicken: "Thank you Kermit. I've had a wonderful time, except for one thing."
Kermit: "What the- Jim?"
Jim: "Bawk! Buc, buc, buc, bawkwwwk!"
Bunsen: "You see, that's what I-"
Kermit: "BUNSEN!"
Bunsen: "Precisely. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
Kermit: "I will, you might not."
(Jim, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Bunsen, Beaker, and the chicken gather around. Kermit continues to chew out Bunsen while in the background a flirtatious Gonzo is taken aback by the true identity of the chicken.)
Statler: "You know who I'd like to be switched with?"
Waldorf: "Who?"
Statler: "Someone not watching this show."
(S & W laugh.)
Comments welcome as always. And incidentally, it's YouKnow Bird who attacks the Newsman while he's in Bo's body (that was for you, Philip).
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
Jim Croce, for those who don't recognize the name, was a recording artist who mainly became famous following his tragic death in a plane crash in 1973. He was and is one of my favorites and so having originally thought of doing an outline with him probably a year or two ago, I finally made some notes back in August (during my vacation, visiting my grandparents in Cincinnati) and just a few hours ago sat down to work on several things, including my upcoming Peter Lorre outline, and I figured I'd begin this one too. Didn't take long.
So, submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Jim Croce! YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JIM CROCE
STYLE: EARLY SEASON THREE (circa Leo Sayer, Roy Clark)
COLD OPENING: A repeated whacking sound is audible. Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: "Jim Croce! Jim Croce! 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Croce."
Jim: "Thank you, Scooter."
(Pull back to reveal Gorgon Heap and Big Mama playing tennis in Jim's dressing room.)
Jim: "Say, I don't wanna sound like I'm complaining, but why are there two monsters playing tennis in my dressing room?"
Scooter: "Because we didn't have enough to make it a doubles match."
(Scooter exits.)
Jim (close-up, to camera): "I'm sorry I asked."
OPENING NUMBER: "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"- Jim in a bar with the Electric Mayhem, Whatnots, and DogLion as Leroy
Waldorf: "I've seen my fair share of bad men."
Statler: "I should say so. Who else had his lunch money stolen by Attila the Hun? HA HA HA HA HA!"
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen's Laser-Powered Brain-Dyeing Device has a malfunction backstage, during which the brains of several characters are SWITCHED: Kermit's with Piggy's, Fozzie's with Gonzo's, Rowlf's with Scooter's, Bunsen's with Beaker's, Sam the Eagle's with the Swedish Chef's, Beauregard's with the Newsman's, and DogLion's with a rat's.
Kermit quickly changes the running order to try and accommodate the problem (at least as much as possible). Muppet Labs is on next.
MUPPET LABS: Beaker (in Bunsen's body), mouthes Bunsen's words while Bunsen (in Beaker's body) speaks from concealment behind a Freeze-Dried Printing Press.
Bunsen (voice): "Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And it's breakthrough time again because today's the day we unveil our new Freeze-Dried Printing Press, which I will now demonstrate."
(Beaker, furious at Bunsen's tactic to elude his own invention, pulls Bunsen out from behind the printing press.)
Bunsen (voice): "I mean, which my assistant Beaker-"
(They point at each other.)
Bunsen: "-Will now demonstrate. Couldn't we talk about this?!"
(When the thing won't work, Bunsen meeps and ducks out of the way while Beaker comes over to inspect. Naturally Beaker gets clobbered, as usual.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit (in Piggy's body) orders Bunsen to try and reverse the damage. Piggy laments the situation.
Piggy: "Oh twist of fate! To be trapped in my frog's gorgeous body! Although if I do say so, my own body looks to die for."
Kermit: (sarcastic) "Swell."
(Fozzie's monologue is on next, so he gives his cue cards and some timing tips to Gonzo, who he exchanged bodies with.)
CURTAIN: Piggy tries to lip-synch to Kermit, who reads his intro from behind the curtain.
FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Gonzo does Fozzie's monologue and gets tremendous laughs, to Fozzie's chagrin.
Waldorf: "Now why can't the bear be that good every week?"
Statler: "I don't know, but whatever it was he changed, let's hope it stays that way."
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is upset at the positive reaction Gonzo got with HIS material.
THE GREAT GONZO: Fozzie tries to tell jokes while doing Gonzo's act- dancing the old softshoe while hauling an ice cream truck off the floor with a rope. Naturally, he breaks his focus and Gonzo's back.
Statler: "Well, we all scream for ice cream."
(S & W chuckle.)
Waldorf: "Yes, and right now I bet I know what Gonzo's scream for ice cream sounds like."
Statler: "Oh, what?"
Waldorf: "GET IT OFF ME!"
(S & W laugh.)
CURTAIN: Piggy bungles Kermit's intro, and thus their lip-synch.
SONG: "Minute Waltz"- Scooter (in Rowlf's body) uses the one finger hunt and peck method of piano playing, while in the wings, Rowlf is so distraught at Scooter's making him look foolish that he rushes onstage to play it himself- thus causing the audience to erupt in applause and cheers of "Scooter! Scooter!" Rowlf frets, then shrugs and takes his bows.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy, the initial shock wearing off, is intrigued by the situation.
Piggy: "You know, I've never felt this close to you before."
Kermit: "Piggy, you are me. That's my body you're occupying, and don't enjoy it too much. I'm not."
Piggy: "Oh, Kermie! Don't you enjoy being close to moi?"
Kermit: "No I don't. It hurts to move this much weight around. Feels like I'm moving a mausoleum from the inside."
Piggy: "Oh yeah?! HI-YA!"
(She chops him.)
Kermit: "Oh yeah? Well how would you like a taste of your own medicine?"
(He weakly chops her.)
Piggy: "Kermie dear, karate has nothing to do with outside body strength- it's all mental."
Kermit: "Oh. I forgot."
(She chops him again.)
SONG: "Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels)"- Jim in a telephone booth on a lamplit street corner, with Dr. Teeth, Floyd, and Janice providing backup instrumentation and vocals in the dimly moonlit background.
UK SPOT- SONG: "New York's Not My Home"- a homeless man (Whatnot) sings seated on the street against a brick building as pairs of feet pass by him.
SONG: "Photographs & Memories"- Jim sings in a bedroom set, with Muppy by his side.
Waldorf: "Ah, hearing that song brings back a memory of the love I lost."
Statler: "Oh?"
Waldorf: "Yes. It was all sunny days and picnics and carriage rides and spooning and bicycles built for two, until something terrible happened."
Statler: "What happened?"
Waldorf: "I married her."
(Statler laughs, Waldorf shakes his head.)
BACKSTAGE: The Newsman (in Beauregard's body) coaches Beauregard (in the Newsman's body) on how to read the news and do his voice.
Kermit: "But aren't you going out there with him?"
Newsman: "Are you kidding? This is the first opportunity I've had in years to lower my insurance premium!"
MUPPET NEWS: Beauregard (in the Newsman's body) reads the newscast unscathed- it's about a rare bird that only attacks janitors. Meanwhile in the wings, the Newsman (in Bo's body) gets attacked by the bird.
BACKSTAGE: Sam categorically refuses to do the Swedish Chef's spot. Kermit threatens to fire him, then hits upon an important question.
Kermit: "Hey Sam, come to think of it, I don't remember ever actually hiring you. What is it you do here, anyway?"
Sam: "Well, I was brought in to uh, to uh... to do the Swedish Chef's act, of course!"
(He rushes to the stage.)
SWEDISH CHEF: Sam does his best mock-Swedish while preparing stuffed cabbage. He finds that he's been given only silly things to stuff it with, and he complies begrudgingly, gradually accepting it, and finally hamming it up and loving every second of it.
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen has fixed the Laser-Powered Brain-Dyeing Device, and just in time- Sam is starting to LOVE being the Swedish Chef. Once back in his own body, he starts to come down, and snaps back into his own cranky self.
Sam: "After all, someone around here has to shmur deer flur de geef norf-"
(Sam covers his mouth in embarrassment.)
CLOSING NUMBER: "Roller Derby Queen"- in the same bar set, surrounded by Whatnots and the Electric Mayhem, Jim watches the roller derby queen (Piggy) on the little TV set, only for her to show up at the end of the number and karate chop him.
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "And now that our minds are back where they matter, I've got a good mind to bring this edition of The Muppet Show to an end. But not before we give a warm thank you to our very special guest star Mr. Jim Croce! YAAAAYYYY!!"
(Jim enters with a chicken. Bunsen comes up behind Kermit.)
Bunsen: "Psst! Psst! Psst! Mr. Kermit, there's something I ought to inform you about."
Kermit: "Let it wait, Bunsen. The emergency is over."
Chicken: "Thank you Kermit. I've had a wonderful time, except for one thing."
Kermit: "What the- Jim?"
Jim: "Bawk! Buc, buc, buc, bawkwwwk!"
Bunsen: "You see, that's what I-"
Kermit: "BUNSEN!"
Bunsen: "Precisely. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
Kermit: "I will, you might not."
(Jim, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Bunsen, Beaker, and the chicken gather around. Kermit continues to chew out Bunsen while in the background a flirtatious Gonzo is taken aback by the true identity of the chicken.)
Statler: "You know who I'd like to be switched with?"
Waldorf: "Who?"
Statler: "Someone not watching this show."
(S & W laugh.)
Comments welcome as always. And incidentally, it's YouKnow Bird who attacks the Newsman while he's in Bo's body (that was for you, Philip).
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
I remember that Pigs in Space skit where their bodies got switched. I kind of wished it would've continued throughout the episode.