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Gorgon Heap
Well-Known Member
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- Apr 15, 2002
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SPECIAL GUEST STAR: DOLLY PARTON
STYLE: MID-SEASON FIVE (circa Glenda Jackson, Senor Wences)
COLD OPENING: Pops informs Dolly that Kermit said to give her the royal treatment.
Pops: “After all, you guest stars really class up this show! Without you, I doubt if anyone’d show up.”
Dolly: “Well, you surely don’t bite the hand that feeds you!”
(Luncheon Counter Monster pops up.)
LCM: “Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly.”
(LCM bites Dolly’s hand.)
Dolly: “Ah!”
(She swats at him.)
Dolly: “Let go!”
(LCM bites Dolly’s shoulder. She swats at him, half yelling and half giggling.)
Dolly: “Stop that! Cut that out!”
OPENING THEME:
GONZO TRUMPET GAG: A tongue sticks out of Gonzo's trumpet & blows a raspberry. Gonzo’s eyes bulge.
OPENING NUMBER: “Wynken, Blynken, and Nod” – Janice sings, backed by the Electric Mayhem, all on clouds, as Wynken, Blynken and Nod (Scooter, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand) sail the night skies fishing.
Statler: “I love a good lullaby, don’t you?”
(He turns & finds Waldorf asleep. He leans over & talks in his ear.)
Statler: “So I wish they’d sing one! Ha ha ha! Oh...”
(He shakes his head as Waldorf continues to snooze.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit is napping on his desk, and wakes up to send on Harley and Smote, the fire eaters (Luncheon Counter Monster and Miss Kitty.) The band returns from the stage.
Kermit: “Oh! Great number, very relaxing!”
Animal: “RE-LAX-ING?!! AAAARGH!!!
(He attacks Kermit.)
Floyd: “Down, Animal! Heel! Heel!”
SONG: “9 to 5” - Dolly, Piggy & Annie Sue in an office run by male (chauvinist) Pigs with Link as the boss
Statler: “Woo woo!”
Waldorf: “Hubba hubba!”
Statler: “Hello, Dolly!”
Waldorf: “Hey, do you think this makes us male chauvinist pigs?”
Statler: “No.”
(In a puff of smoke, they both turn into pigs.)
Statler: “On the other hand...”
BACKSTAGE: Annie Sue missed the fire eaters’ act and asks if they would do it again for her. While exhaling fire, they surprise Piggy, who falls down the stairs & twists her ankle. Kermit replaces her w/Annie Sue in Pigs in Space. Piggy thinks Annie Sue did it on purpose to take her place, and tries to karate chop her but hits an intervening Kermit, hurting her ankle more in the process.
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents the Chicken Enlarger to solve the world hunger crisis, where “one chicken dinner can feed an entire village!” Unfortunately, once enlarged, the chicken runs amok, trashing the lab and clobbering Bunsen & Beaker. Gonzo rushes in.
Gonzo: “Heaven! I’m in Heaven! Take me in your arms!”
Chicken: “Bawk.”
(The giant chicken carries him away lovingly. Bunsen & Beaker stagger up from behind the table.)
Bunsen: “Join us next time as we explore the feasibility of the Egg Enlarger.”
(Beaker murmurs.)
Bunsen: “Yes, Beakie, it should have come first.”
WINGS: Dolly & Kermit observe the giant chicken coming offstage.
Dolly: “Wow, a chicken like that would win first prize at the county fair!”
Kermit: “Or feed a family reunion.”
(They chuckle. The giant chicken pops out & squawks at them.)
Kermit: “Uh, no offense intended, ma’am. GULP!”
PIGS IN SPACE: Annie Sue replaces Piggy, plays a cadet & takes her lines. Piggy re-enters and takes over. It's the Swinetrek’s annual fitness test, and in trying to pass the test and prove she’s fit to perform, she hurts herself more.
UK SPOT: Bunraku Brothers - a Whatnot girl plays a scene with floating props controlled by black-clad Frackle puppeteers (green/pink, jade green, pink) against black background but said invisible puppeteers start fighting each other.
SONG: “My Tennessee Mountain Home” - on a shack front porch at night, Dolly sings with the jug-band, with Bo on harmonica
BACKSTAGE: Beauregard returns from the stage with some of the jug-band members.
Gramps: “That was some mighty fine harp blowing there, Bo!”
Bo: “Oh! Thank you!”
Zeke: “Yeah, you can sit in with us anytime!”
Bo: “Oh, good! I -- do I need to bring my own chair?”
(The jug-band chuckles. They pass Piggy being treated by Dr. Bob & Nurse Janice as they exit.)
Dr. Bob: “Now you’ll need to rest that ankle if you want to get better. Stay off of it for the right of the night. Use these crutches to get around.”
Piggy: “Does that mean I can’t do my song? Kermit!”
(Kermit enters.)
Nurse Janice: “Oh, wow, like she rully shouldn’t be performing.”
Kermit: “Because of her injury?”
Dr. Bob: “No, just in general!”
(He laughs silently. Piggy growls at him & he stops.)
Piggy: “Kermit, you’re not going to cut my song, are you?”
Kermit: “Well, not exactly...”
Piggy: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Kermit: “Well, ah, it means that the number will be going on as scheduled --”
Piggy: “Oh! Thank you!”
Kermit: “-- it’s just that Annie Sue will be doing it.”
Piggy: “... WHAT?!”
Kermit: “I mean, it’s just that you need to... to rest after your injury, and --”
Piggy: “I’LL CUT YA IN HALF, FROG! HI-YAH! AH!”
(She swings at him with her crutch and falls with a crash. Kermit runs away.)
Piggy (O.S.): “COME BACK HERE, FROG!”
SONG: “A Taste of Honey” - Annie Sue sings but Piggy ambles in on her crutches and takes over, not noticing when Billy the Bear enters in the background, eating honey from the beehive but disturbing the bees in the process. Piggy screams when she sees him but he tells her to run. She sees the bees chasing the bear and ducks.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy accuses Annie Sue of trying to replace her. Annie Sue reassures Piggy she could never measure up to a real superstar like Miss Piggy, and with that Piggy forgives her. Kermit gets ready for his closing duet with Dolly. Piggy flips out and hobbles after him.
CLOSING NUMBER: “With a Little Help from My Friends” - on a bare stage, Dolly and Kermit duet, backed by the Electric Mayhem. Piggy interrupts and duets with Dolly on the last verse.
Dolly: “Would you believe in a love at first sight?”
Piggy (looking at Kermit):
“Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time.”
(Kermit gulps.)
Dolly: “What do you see when you turn out the light?”
Piggy: “I can’t tell you but I know it is mine.”
(She throws her arm around Kermit’s neck, gagging him. Dolly admits it should be a group song, to which Kermit concedes.)
Kermit: “All right, everybody!”
(A Muppet chorus enters:
Back: Lew Zealand, Strangepork, Rizzo, Pink Frackle, Beaker, Scooter
Middle: Beauregard, Bunsen, Afghan Hound, French Poodle
Front: Lubbock Lou, Annie Sue, Link, Jade Green Frackle, Lou the jug-band lady and a chicken)
CURTAIN: Dolly enters.
Dolly: “Well, thank you, Kermit. You know, I really had a great time, but I do feel bad for Miss Piggy being injured.”
Kermit: “I understand. Although, if she’s on the injured list, at least I won’t be!”
(Kermit chuckles to himself as Dolly makes a face. Piggy enters in a wheelchair.)
Piggy: “Oh, yeah?! We’ll see about that! HI-YAH!”
(She spins the wheelchair around and backs it into Kermit, knocking him down. He staggers to his feet.)
Dolly: “And wheel see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Kermit: “Nicely done.”
Piggy: “HI-YAH!”
Kermit: “Agh!”
(Dolly tries to help Kermit as Piggy keeps knocking him down with her wheelchair, while Janice, Link, Annie Sue, Beauregard, Lew Zealand, Rizzo, Lou the jug-band lady, and the Afghan Hound look on.)
(Statler & Waldorf are crying.)
Statler: “I DON’T WANT TO GO!”
Waldorf: “NEITHER DO I!”
Statler: “Is it because --”
Waldorf: “Yes, we’ll have to say --”
S & W: “-- GOODBYE, Dolly!”
(They cry on each other’s shoulders.)
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Link, Rowlf
Frank: Piggy, Animal, Gramps, Bunraku Brother
Jerry: Floyd, Dr. Strangepork, Pops, Bunraku Brother
Richard: Janice, Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Billy the Bear
Dave: Gonzo, Bunsen, Beauregard, Luncheon Counter Monster
Louise: Annie Sue
Steve: Lips, Zeke
Kathy: Giant Chicken
Betsy: Whatnot Girl
Karen: Miss Kitty
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
STYLE: MID-SEASON FIVE (circa Glenda Jackson, Senor Wences)
COLD OPENING: Pops informs Dolly that Kermit said to give her the royal treatment.
Pops: “After all, you guest stars really class up this show! Without you, I doubt if anyone’d show up.”
Dolly: “Well, you surely don’t bite the hand that feeds you!”
(Luncheon Counter Monster pops up.)
LCM: “Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly.”
(LCM bites Dolly’s hand.)
Dolly: “Ah!”
(She swats at him.)
Dolly: “Let go!”
(LCM bites Dolly’s shoulder. She swats at him, half yelling and half giggling.)
Dolly: “Stop that! Cut that out!”
OPENING THEME:
GONZO TRUMPET GAG: A tongue sticks out of Gonzo's trumpet & blows a raspberry. Gonzo’s eyes bulge.
OPENING NUMBER: “Wynken, Blynken, and Nod” – Janice sings, backed by the Electric Mayhem, all on clouds, as Wynken, Blynken and Nod (Scooter, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand) sail the night skies fishing.
Statler: “I love a good lullaby, don’t you?”
(He turns & finds Waldorf asleep. He leans over & talks in his ear.)
Statler: “So I wish they’d sing one! Ha ha ha! Oh...”
(He shakes his head as Waldorf continues to snooze.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit is napping on his desk, and wakes up to send on Harley and Smote, the fire eaters (Luncheon Counter Monster and Miss Kitty.) The band returns from the stage.
Kermit: “Oh! Great number, very relaxing!”
Animal: “RE-LAX-ING?!! AAAARGH!!!
(He attacks Kermit.)
Floyd: “Down, Animal! Heel! Heel!”
SONG: “9 to 5” - Dolly, Piggy & Annie Sue in an office run by male (chauvinist) Pigs with Link as the boss
Statler: “Woo woo!”
Waldorf: “Hubba hubba!”
Statler: “Hello, Dolly!”
Waldorf: “Hey, do you think this makes us male chauvinist pigs?”
Statler: “No.”
(In a puff of smoke, they both turn into pigs.)
Statler: “On the other hand...”
BACKSTAGE: Annie Sue missed the fire eaters’ act and asks if they would do it again for her. While exhaling fire, they surprise Piggy, who falls down the stairs & twists her ankle. Kermit replaces her w/Annie Sue in Pigs in Space. Piggy thinks Annie Sue did it on purpose to take her place, and tries to karate chop her but hits an intervening Kermit, hurting her ankle more in the process.
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents the Chicken Enlarger to solve the world hunger crisis, where “one chicken dinner can feed an entire village!” Unfortunately, once enlarged, the chicken runs amok, trashing the lab and clobbering Bunsen & Beaker. Gonzo rushes in.
Gonzo: “Heaven! I’m in Heaven! Take me in your arms!”
Chicken: “Bawk.”
(The giant chicken carries him away lovingly. Bunsen & Beaker stagger up from behind the table.)
Bunsen: “Join us next time as we explore the feasibility of the Egg Enlarger.”
(Beaker murmurs.)
Bunsen: “Yes, Beakie, it should have come first.”
WINGS: Dolly & Kermit observe the giant chicken coming offstage.
Dolly: “Wow, a chicken like that would win first prize at the county fair!”
Kermit: “Or feed a family reunion.”
(They chuckle. The giant chicken pops out & squawks at them.)
Kermit: “Uh, no offense intended, ma’am. GULP!”
PIGS IN SPACE: Annie Sue replaces Piggy, plays a cadet & takes her lines. Piggy re-enters and takes over. It's the Swinetrek’s annual fitness test, and in trying to pass the test and prove she’s fit to perform, she hurts herself more.
UK SPOT: Bunraku Brothers - a Whatnot girl plays a scene with floating props controlled by black-clad Frackle puppeteers (green/pink, jade green, pink) against black background but said invisible puppeteers start fighting each other.
SONG: “My Tennessee Mountain Home” - on a shack front porch at night, Dolly sings with the jug-band, with Bo on harmonica
BACKSTAGE: Beauregard returns from the stage with some of the jug-band members.
Gramps: “That was some mighty fine harp blowing there, Bo!”
Bo: “Oh! Thank you!”
Zeke: “Yeah, you can sit in with us anytime!”
Bo: “Oh, good! I -- do I need to bring my own chair?”
(The jug-band chuckles. They pass Piggy being treated by Dr. Bob & Nurse Janice as they exit.)
Dr. Bob: “Now you’ll need to rest that ankle if you want to get better. Stay off of it for the right of the night. Use these crutches to get around.”
Piggy: “Does that mean I can’t do my song? Kermit!”
(Kermit enters.)
Nurse Janice: “Oh, wow, like she rully shouldn’t be performing.”
Kermit: “Because of her injury?”
Dr. Bob: “No, just in general!”
(He laughs silently. Piggy growls at him & he stops.)
Piggy: “Kermit, you’re not going to cut my song, are you?”
Kermit: “Well, not exactly...”
Piggy: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Kermit: “Well, ah, it means that the number will be going on as scheduled --”
Piggy: “Oh! Thank you!”
Kermit: “-- it’s just that Annie Sue will be doing it.”
Piggy: “... WHAT?!”
Kermit: “I mean, it’s just that you need to... to rest after your injury, and --”
Piggy: “I’LL CUT YA IN HALF, FROG! HI-YAH! AH!”
(She swings at him with her crutch and falls with a crash. Kermit runs away.)
Piggy (O.S.): “COME BACK HERE, FROG!”
SONG: “A Taste of Honey” - Annie Sue sings but Piggy ambles in on her crutches and takes over, not noticing when Billy the Bear enters in the background, eating honey from the beehive but disturbing the bees in the process. Piggy screams when she sees him but he tells her to run. She sees the bees chasing the bear and ducks.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy accuses Annie Sue of trying to replace her. Annie Sue reassures Piggy she could never measure up to a real superstar like Miss Piggy, and with that Piggy forgives her. Kermit gets ready for his closing duet with Dolly. Piggy flips out and hobbles after him.
CLOSING NUMBER: “With a Little Help from My Friends” - on a bare stage, Dolly and Kermit duet, backed by the Electric Mayhem. Piggy interrupts and duets with Dolly on the last verse.
Dolly: “Would you believe in a love at first sight?”
Piggy (looking at Kermit):
“Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time.”
(Kermit gulps.)
Dolly: “What do you see when you turn out the light?”
Piggy: “I can’t tell you but I know it is mine.”
(She throws her arm around Kermit’s neck, gagging him. Dolly admits it should be a group song, to which Kermit concedes.)
Kermit: “All right, everybody!”
(A Muppet chorus enters:
Back: Lew Zealand, Strangepork, Rizzo, Pink Frackle, Beaker, Scooter
Middle: Beauregard, Bunsen, Afghan Hound, French Poodle
Front: Lubbock Lou, Annie Sue, Link, Jade Green Frackle, Lou the jug-band lady and a chicken)
CURTAIN: Dolly enters.
Dolly: “Well, thank you, Kermit. You know, I really had a great time, but I do feel bad for Miss Piggy being injured.”
Kermit: “I understand. Although, if she’s on the injured list, at least I won’t be!”
(Kermit chuckles to himself as Dolly makes a face. Piggy enters in a wheelchair.)
Piggy: “Oh, yeah?! We’ll see about that! HI-YAH!”
(She spins the wheelchair around and backs it into Kermit, knocking him down. He staggers to his feet.)
Dolly: “And wheel see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Kermit: “Nicely done.”
Piggy: “HI-YAH!”
Kermit: “Agh!”
(Dolly tries to help Kermit as Piggy keeps knocking him down with her wheelchair, while Janice, Link, Annie Sue, Beauregard, Lew Zealand, Rizzo, Lou the jug-band lady, and the Afghan Hound look on.)
(Statler & Waldorf are crying.)
Statler: “I DON’T WANT TO GO!”
Waldorf: “NEITHER DO I!”
Statler: “Is it because --”
Waldorf: “Yes, we’ll have to say --”
S & W: “-- GOODBYE, Dolly!”
(They cry on each other’s shoulders.)
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Link, Rowlf
Frank: Piggy, Animal, Gramps, Bunraku Brother
Jerry: Floyd, Dr. Strangepork, Pops, Bunraku Brother
Richard: Janice, Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Billy the Bear
Dave: Gonzo, Bunsen, Beauregard, Luncheon Counter Monster
Louise: Annie Sue
Steve: Lips, Zeke
Kathy: Giant Chicken
Betsy: Whatnot Girl
Karen: Miss Kitty
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole