TMS outline- Christopher Lee!

[Gorgon Heap]

Quite a career, Christopher Lee has had. The step-cousin (and occasional golf partner) of James Bond creator Ian Fleming, he also played the title villain in the 1974 Bond flick "The Man with the Golden Gun". He is the only shared cast member between the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy (as Saruman the White) and the new Star Wars trilogy (as Count Dooku/Darth Tyrannus). He is the only cast member of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy to have met J.R.R. Tolkien. Now in his 80s, he's experiencing quite the career renaissance.

He has also been listed as 'the center of the Hollywood universe' due to the fact that he can be linked to any other actor (a la 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon') in a smaller average number of steps than anyone else (although his average was beated by the late Rod Steiger, the fact that Lee is still alive and working indicates that he can reclaim this honor).

Essentially, Lee was the American counterpart of Vincent Price (and indeed, they share a birthday, May 27th, although Lee was born in 1922, Price in 1911). Lee was the star of many Hammer horror pictures, playing Dracula, Frankenstein, and the mummy, among others.

He's also a trained singer.

Consider this to be the 'second season Halloween episode'. I originally thought that there was one of these to begin with- I thought it was the Zero Mostel episode, what with the "Fears" poem- but ever since I found out that it wasn't so, I pondered what a second season Halloween episode would've been like, and probably some time around that picked Christopher Lee as the guest star for it in my mind.

Here then, submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Christopher Lee!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: CHRISTOPHER LEE

STYLE: SEASON TWO (circa Julie Andrews episode)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.

Scooter: "Christopher Lee! Christopher Lee! 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Lee!"

Christopher: "Thank you, Scooter."

Scooter: "Everything all right so far?"

Christopher: "Oh yes. It's just, I am a little nervous about doing the famous Muppet Show."

Scooter: "Oh, don't worry, you'll do fine. Just make yourself at home."

Christopher: "Oh, I intend to!"

(The monsters slither up behind Christopher.)

Scooter: "WHOOOAAA!!"

(Scooter runs away and Christopher grins.)

OPENING THEME:
S & W: they're playing cards
Statler: "Got any threes?"
Waldorf: "Go fish."
GONZO: Luncheon Counter Monster pops up and eats the trumpet. Gonzo is flustered, LCM pats him on the back (and laughs).

CURTAIN: Kermit enters to applause.

Kermit: "Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey our guest star tonight is one of the great stars of the horror movie genre, but wait, he's also a terrific singer and one of the great all-around entertainers, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Christopher Lee!"

OPENING NUMBER: "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"- Christopher sings in a 'moonlight' set with a monster orchestra

Statler: "That Christopher Lee is a fine singer!"

Waldorf: "Well, so am I, Statler. You wanna hear me sing?"

Statler: "Only if you sing high."

Waldorf: "How high?"

Statler: "Oh, somewhere in the stratosphere should do it. HA HA HA HA HA!"

(Waldorf frowns.)

BACKSTAGE: Kermit talks to Uncle Deadly, thanking him for the suggestions for doing the show up right for Christopher Lee. One of the big monsters enters.

Monster: "Excuse me, I'm on next."

Kermit: "Ah, I see you are. It says on the running order that you're doing a musical number."

Monster: "Yup. I'm going to sing 'Thank Heaven for Little Girls'."

Kermit: "Oh?"

Monster: "Yup. They make great sandwiches."

Kermit: (flabbergasted reaction)
"Will you get out of here?! Out, out, out! Deadly, I just don't know how this show is going to work out. I just feel like there's something missing."

Uncle Deadly: "Well, there is one more thing."

Kermit: "What's that?"

Uncle Deadly: "We could do with... a new host for the evening. Grab him!"

(The monsters grab Kermit.)

Uncle Deadly: "Take him to the prop room and lock him in! Now we'll see who else is getting cut from the show. The bear can go. The dog who plays the piano can go. The chef can go. The band can stay."

Blue Frackle: "What about that Miss Piggy?"

Uncle Deadly: "She can stay."
(aside)
"The boys are planning a luau for after the show."

Blue Frackle: "What about Gonzo?"

Uncle Deadly: "Sure he can stay- he's even more of a freak show than WE are!"

PROP ROOM: Kermit gets shoved into the prop room with the others, where Fozzie is planning an elaborate escape using various props. Kermit indicates the much simpler solution- going through the air vents (of course, he's the only one who can fit through them).

CURTAIN: Uncle Deadly announces himself as the new host for the evening.

UD: "There are going to be some changes in the program."

(Audience makes disappointed sound.)

UD: "The first of those is the replacement of Fozzie Bear."

(Audience applauds. Statler & Waldorf cheer.)

UD: "And now, allow me to introduce his replacement, the irrepressible and unrestrainable, Mr. Hogarth Beast!"

MONOLOGUE BY HOGARTH BEAST (Big Mama Muppet in Fozzie-esque voice and outfit, standing in front of Fozzie's backdrop)

Hogarth: "Hey! Did ya hear about the very hip monster? He ate three squares a day!"

Statler: "He's even worse than the bear."

(Big Mama pops up in S & W's box, a female version this time.)

Big Mama: "What did you say about my husband?!"

Statler: "I said, the worst comic around here is the bear! This guy is GREAT!"

Waldorf: "Terrific!"

(They shudder and look at each other nervously.)

PIGS IN SPACE: Link is working on a crossword puzzle.

Link: "Hmm, let's see now: a six-letter word for insult, fifth letter is 'G'."

Strangepork: "That's 'impugn' Link."

Link: "Thank you, Doctor."

Strangepork: "Don't mention it."

(Two cadets enter from the cabin door Screen Right.)

Link: "Uh, what say, men?"

Cadet Dickie: "Captain, we've misplaced a valuable piece of cargo."

Link: "GASP! Not-"

Cadet Dickie: "Yes, I'm afraid so."

Link: (makes flabbergasted sound)
"This is worse than I thought."

Strangepork: "What is it, Link? Rock samples from another planet? Spaceship maintenance equipment?"

Link: "No, my mommy's care package. Men, search every corner of the ship for that valuable piece of property."

Piggy: "Oh, brother."

Link: "Report back with your progress. Terribly distressing news."

(Cadets Dickie and Billy exit through the cabin door Screen Right.)

Link: "Now, where was I? Oh yes! A nine-letter word for a ground-dwelling animal with a hard plated body. Hmm, that's a toughy."

Strangepork: "It's 'armadillo', Link."

Link: "Thank you. Boy, I've just about got this licked, haven't I?"

Strangepork: "Yes, Link."

(Link hums proudly. Piggy shakes her head.)

(Cadet Dickie re-enters the cabin through the same door, followed by Big Mama, who wears a large fake pig snout.)

Link: "Find anything, men?"

Cadet Dickie: "No, sir. And now I can't find Cadet Billy, either."

Link: "Why, he's right there behind you."

Cadet Dickie: "Oh, is he? GASP!"

(Dickie nearly jumps out of his skin.)

Link: "Now we mustn't waste any more time. Cadet Billy, you take Cadet Dickie here and you two go search the other wing of the ship."

Cadet Dickie: "But Captain-"

Link: "Now, now, don't complain. It's not a pretty job but someone's got to do it."

(Big Mama is pushing Cadet Dickie over to the door.)

Cadet Dickie: "But CAPTAIN-"

Link: "Oh don't worry, Cadet Dickie; it'll turn up, I'm sure of it."

(Big Mama ushers Cadet Dickie through the Screen Left door, looking him over.)

Strangepork: "Uh Captain Link- did you notice anything different about Cadet Billy's appearance?"

Link: "Yeeesss... five o'clock shadow on the bridge. I'll have to reprimand him later."

(We hear screaming and a struggle, followed by 'eating' sounds.)

Piggy: "What's that?!"

Link: "Humph, boys will be boys. I remember when I was that age, not so long ago. Never could resist the urge for a little roughhousing or an impromptu game of touch football."

Piggy: "I think your head is still sustaining the injuries."

(Big Mama returns, followed by Gorgon Heap, also wearing a fake pig snout.)

Strangepork: "Captain, surely you must realize NOW that something's wrong."

Link: "Yes. Cadet Dickie, you look discolored. Strangepork, would you mind having a look at him, medically?"

Strangepork: "What?! OH!"

(The monsters grab him and start dragging him away.)

Strangepork: "But, but Captain Link!"

Link: "Now don't complain, Strangepork. We all like our free time, but there's work to be done. Now let's see: what's a four-letter word for distress and alarm, third letter is 'L'..."

Strangepork: "HELP!"

Link: "Ah, thank you." (He hums as he writes it down.)

(The monsters drag Strangepork through the door and shut it behind them.)

Piggy: "How stupid are you? Aren't you worried?"

(We hear Strangepork screaming, followed by the same 'eating' sounds.)

Link: "Yes, he did seem a little down in the mouth."

(Piggy runs away quickly.)

Announcer (V.O.): "Tune in again next time for another mouthful of PIGS IN SPAAAAAACE!" (End theme music)

SONG: “It Takes Three”- Tom, Dick and Harry, the three-headed monster (to the tune of “It Takes Two”, in Ben Vereen "Jump Shout Boogie" set)

DRESSING ROOM: Kermit comes up through the vents into the wall of Chris's dressing room, behind picture on the wall. He tells Chris about the predicament, and Chris promises to help him however he can. When Chris has to cover, he ends up mashing Kermit's face with the picture. When Uncle Deadly slams the door, Kermit falls back down the vent.

MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.

Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Reports have been coming in that paranormal activity has been taking place in the Muppet Theater. We can now attest that these rumors have been proved false.”

(The lights go out. As the Newsman continues, objects start moving around and floating of their own free will. His desk floats up and starts knocking him around until he ends up running away in a panic.)

PROP ROOM: Fozzie and the gang are worried while waiting for Kermit. Just then, he falls back down the vent, with one leg sticking out through the bottom of it. The noise attracts a monster security guard.

Guard: "What was that noise?"

Fozzie: "Ah... I think the lights just went."

Guard: "The lights?"

Fozzie: "Yes."

(Fozzie goes over to where Kermit's leg dangles from the ceiling.)

Fozzie: "This LIGHT CORD- won't do a thing."

Guard: "Hmm, let me see that."

(He pulls at it. Kermit emits stifled grunts of pain.)

Guard: "I think I need to have a word with the janitor... or an exorcist."

(He leaves.)

AT THE DANCE: monsters

Male monster: "So how's your son, Luanne?"

Luanne: "Oh, still the same. Every night when I tuck him in, he keeps insisting there's a little girl under his bed."

(Another monster couple)

Male monster:
(groans and grabs his stomach)
"Ohhhhh, I should have known better than to have eaten that clown."

Female monster: "Why?"

Male monster: "He tasted funny."

UK SPOT: "People are Strange"- Uncle Deadly with the Electric Mayhem (black background)

PROP ROOM: while Kermit is still trapped in the vents, the Muppets argue. Meanwhile Crazy Harry blows a hole in the wall, and nobody notices.

MONSTER CHEF: makes a Scooter pie; Scooter runs away, still encased in the pastry

(Cut to S & W's box; Big Mama is still there. S & W laugh.)

Waldorf: "Eh, poor kid. I'd hate to be in his position."

Statler: "I hate being in OUR position just as much!"

(S & W laugh.)

Statler: "But not to worry, there's no chance of that ever happening to us."

Big Mama: "Well... I wouldn't put it that way exactly..."

(S & W shudder. Big Mama looks them over.)

SKETCH: "Attack of the Vampire Chickens"- Ralph and Doreen (Christopher and a female Whatnot), a suburban husband and wife, are relaxing at home when a neighbor calls to warn them that the vampire chickens are on the loose. Lo and behold, they show up at the door!

Doreen: "Vera said to drive stakes through their hearts. Have we got any stakes?"

Ralph (Christopher): "Yes."
(He pulls some steaks out of the freezer.)
"They're frozen, but we've got them."

(The chickens enter and go for the jugulars.)

Doreen: "Is there any way to ward them off? Show them a cross?"

Ralph: "I think this might do it!"

(He reaches into the garbage for the bucket from last night's Kentucky Fried Chicken. The chickens run away. Ralph sits down and Doreen turns to finish cooking dinner.)

Ralph (sighs):"Now we can get back to normal. Hmm, there's a full moon out tonight."

(Doreen turns around; she's turned into a werewolf. She goes berserk.)

Ralph (non-plussed): "If you're going out, don't forget to take your purse. Your mouth guard is in there. Here."

(He hands it to her. She takes it and runs, growling and shrieking, out of the house.)

Ralph: "Have a nice night, honey! Don't stay out too late."

(Sketch end music)

(Cut to S & W's box. Big Mama is still there.)

Waldorf: "What did you think of that sketch?"

Statler: "Well that all depends."

(Statler looks over at Big Mama, who nods.)

Statler: "I liked it! I liked it!"

(Waldorf laughs.)

VET’S HOSPITAL- Dr. Heap (Gorgon Heap) ‘digests the facts’ of the diagnosis (and also digests the patients).

PROP ROOM: Kermit (still stuck in the vents) tries to get Gonzo to let them out.

Gonzo: "I don't know, Kermit. I could get in a lot of trouble."

Kermit: "Gonzo, if you don't let us out, you'll be in even BIGGER trouble! Come on, what will it take for you to do the heroic thing?"

Gonzo: "How about a raise?"

Kermit: "I shouldn't have asked."

Gonzo: "At any rate, why don't you just use that hole in the wall?"

Kermit: "What hole in the wall?"

Gonzo: "That explosion hole right over there."

Kermit: "I didn't KNOW there was an explosion hole. Guys, is there a hole there?"

(The Muppets notice the hole for the first time.)

Fozzie: "Yes."

Kermit: "Then get me down from here."

BACKSTAGE: word gets out that the Muppets have escaped

CLOSING NUMBER: "Lazy Day"- Christopher sings with the Muppet monsters in a sunlit garden; the monsters and the Muppets are continually trying to catch each other.

(Kermit ducks in between two monsters with nets; he ducks out and they net each other; they squabble.)

(The Muppets catch their captors and wrap up the number with Christopher.)

CURTAIN: Kermit closes the show and thanks Christopher.

Kermit: "And I wanted to thank you for trying to get us all out of there, even though we ended up not needing it."

Christopher: "Oh?"

Kermit: "Yeah, Crazy Harry blew a hole in the wall."

Christopher: "Well who do you think told him to?"

Kermit: "Christopher, you did- you did that?"

(Christopher nods.)

Kermit: "Well, wow, I just don't know what to say. I-"

(Uncle Deadly enters.)

Kermit: "Yes I do know what to say. Deadly, how could you do this?! What have you got to say for yourself?"

Uncle Deadly: "Um, I don't suppose an invite to our luau would patch things up?"

Kermit: "A luau?"

Uncle Deadly: "Yes. It's all set up! Come on in, fellows."

(The monsters wheel in Miss Piggy tied to a spit with an apple in her mouth.)

Kermit: "I don't believe this! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!" (Kermit argues with Uncle Deadly.)

(Christopher, Kermit, Piggy (still tied to spit), Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter (still in pie), Uncle Deadly, Sweetums, Mahna Mahna, and a vampire chicken gather around.)

(Cut to S & W's box; Big Mama is sitting in S & W's seats, with S & W nowhere to be found.)

Big Mama: "More! More!"

(S & W pop up inside her mouth.)

S & W: "Less! Less!"

(Big Mama shoves them back down and closes her mouth.)


Comments welcome.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

I thought the outline went:

Christopher Lee

Style: Early Season 2 (Zero Mostel)
Dressing Room/Backstage: Chris, Scooter, Fozzie, and Cookie Monster

Opening:

S&W: (playing cards) S: Got any two's? W: Go fish.
Gonzo: An alligator grabs the horn from Gonzo.

Opening Song: "What You See Is What You Get", sung by the Electric Mayhem, comments by Statler & Waldorf
Backstage: Leo & Kermit
Song: "What Would Simple Folk Do" Chris as the king, comments by Statler & Waldorf.
Backstage: Scooter, Kermit, & Fozzie
Sketch: "At the Dance"- animals
U.K. Spot: Prop Room: Scooter, Kermit & Natalie (the black-&-white cow)
Muppet Labs: magnetic fish, comments by Statler & Waldorf
Dressing Room: Chris & Sam
Rowlf plays Mozart
Sketch: Chris & The Count with the Monsters
Backstage: Basketball player, Kermit, & Fozzie
Animal plays drums
Closing Sketch: Basketball: Feather Team (Kermit, various Whatnots) vs. Fur Team (Behemoth, Beautiful Day Monster, Big Mama, Boppity)
Goodnights: Chris, Kermit, Cookie Monster, Natalie the Cow, Boppity, Big Mama & Leo

Closing Comments by Statler & Waldorf:

S: Well, looks like they win the game.
W: Whatever they did.

 

[The Count]

Rully nice work Dave. This was one of the more memorable ones you've done. But didn't you have a Christopher Lee outline already? Remember? The one with the musical number with all the vampire Whatnots?
Oh well, this was a good outline and it's one of the ones I've liked the most.
Keep up the good job.

 

[Gorgon Heap]

TSF- huh? I'm not sure I get the joke.

Count- no, I've never done a Christopher Lee outline before. Maybe someone else did.

Apropos of nothing, anyone know which would be the best forum to request image scans of my usernamesake, Gorgon Heap? I wanted to make a new avatar but would like some more pictures of him, namely from the Avery Schreiber and Vincent Price episodes.

Music links: Lazy Day song clip

"Lazy Day" lyrics:

Lazy Day
( Spanky & Our Gang )

Blue sky, sunshine
What a day to take a walk in the park
Ice cream, daydream
'Til the sky becomes a blanket of stars

What a day for a pickin' daisies
And lots of red balloons
And what a day for holdin' hands
And bein' with you

Lazy day just right for lovin' away
Lazy day made for a stroll in the lane
Baby you and me
And a honey bee
Lazy day, lazy day
Lazy day for you and me

Blue sky, sunshine
Flowers bloomin', squirrels are sayin' hello
Rowboats, bird notes
People smilin' everywhere that we go

What a day to be together
And what a sky of blue
And what a day for thinkin' right out loud
I love you

Lazy day just right for lovin' away
Lazy day made for a stroll in the lane
Baby you and me
'Neath a shady tree
Lazy day, lazy day
Lazy day for you and me

[break]

And what a day for thinkin' right out loud
I love you

Lazy day just right for lovin' away
Lazy day made for a stroll in the lane
Lazy day just right for lovin' away
Lazy day

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[The Count]

Not sure I know any forums or forms to request image scans of your namesake Dave. However, maybe you'd be best served dinner by contacting Justin Faulknor. He's my business buddy, and he has all 120 TMS episodes in his library. You could contact him via Forum E-mailer and ask him for some scans. He's come through like that before upon some people's requests over at the PT board, could help you out too.

 

[JaniceFerSure]

Nice use of the monsters David,good work.

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

How about an MT outline with Annette Benning?

 

[Beauregard]

Delicious as always.

 

[Philip Kippel]

Christopher: "Oh, I intend to!"

(The monsters slither up behind Christopher.)

Which specific monsters appear in this scene?

OPENING NUMBER: "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"- Christopher sings in a 'moonlight' set with a monster orchestra

Which monsters are in the orchestra in this number? Boppity? Gloat? Droop? Miss Kitty? The Scoffs? Lenny the Lizard? Green Hunchback Frackle? Luncheon Counter? Beautiful Day? Who?

And who's conducting that orchestra?

BACKSTAGE: Kermit talks to Uncle Deadly, thanking him for the suggestions for doing the show up right for Christopher Lee. One of the big monsters enters.

Monster: "Excuse me, I'm on next."

Kermit: "Ah, I see you are. It says on the running order that you're doing a musical number."

Monster: "Yup. I'm going to sing 'Thank Heaven for Little Girls'."

Kermit: "Oh?"

Monster: "Yup. They make great sandwiches."

Which full-body monster appears? Timmy? DogLion? One of the Mutations?

Blue Frackle: "What about that Miss Piggy?"

Who's the "Blue Frackle"? Boppity?

SONG: “It Takes Three”- Tom, Dick and Harry, the three-headed monster (to the tune of “It Takes Two”, in Ben Vereen "Jump Shout Boogie" set)

Which monsters are dancing on the set? Boppity? Gloat? Droop? The Scoffs? Miss Kitty? Lenny Lizard? Green Hunchback Frackle? Who?

The noise attracts a monster security guard.

Which monster is the security guard?

AT THE DANCE: monsters

Male monster: "So how's your son, Luanne?"

Luanne: "Oh, still the same. Every night when I tuck him in, he keeps insisting there's a little girl under his bed."

(Another monster couple)

Male monster:
(groans and grabs his stomach)
"Ohhhhh, I should have known better than to have eaten that clown."

Female monster: "Why?"

Male monster: "He tasted funny."

Which specific monster puppets are used in this "At the Dance" sketch?

MONSTER CHEF: makes a Scooter pie; Scooter runs away, still encased in the pastry

Which monster is the chef? Behemonth? Beautiful Day? Who?

VET’S HOSPITAL- Dr. Heap (Gorgon Heap) ‘digests the facts’ of the diagnosis (and also digests the patients).

How does the sketch actually go? Does Dr. Heap actually eat any of the patients? Are Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice? If so, who are Piggy and Janice's replacements?

And who are the patients that Dr. Heap eats and/or digests?

CLOSING NUMBER: "Lazy Day"- Christopher sings with the Muppet monsters in a sunlit garden; the monsters and the Muppets are continually trying to catch each other.

Which monsters appear in this number? I suppose ALL of them, right?

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

Which specific monsters appear in this scene??

Flower-Eating Monster, Luncheon Counter Monster, Beautiful Day Monster, and Shaky Sanchez.

Which monsters are in the orchestra in this number? Boppity? Gloat? Droop? Miss Kitty? The Scoffs? Lenny the Lizard? Green Hunchback Frackle? Luncheon Counter? Beautiful Day? Who?

Flower-Eating Monster, Miss Kitty, Green Hunchback Frackle, Behemoth, Luncheon Counter Monster, and Big Mama.

And who's conducting that orchestra?

Beautiful Day Monster.

Which full-body monster appears? Timmy? DogLion? One of the Mutations?

Dog Lion.

Who's the "Blue Frackle"? Boppity?

Boppity.

Which monsters are dancing on the set? Boppity? Gloat? Droop? The Scoffs? Miss Kitty? Lenny Lizard? Green Hunchback Frackle? Who?

Droop, Shaky Sanchez, Purple Lion, and Lenny the Lizard.

Which monster is the security guard?

Behemoth.

Which specific monster puppets are used in this "At the Dance" sketch?

Luncheon Counter Monster with Green Hunchback Frackle in drag, Beautiful Day Monster with a monster from the "I Feel Pretty" number from the Charles Aznavour episode.

Which monster is the chef? Behemonth? Beautiful Day? Who?

Luncheon Counter Monster.

How does the sketch actually go? Does Dr. Heap actually eat any of the patients? Are Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice? If so, who are Piggy and Janice's replacements?

Dr. Heap actually ate the patients.

And who are the patients that Dr. Heap eats and/or digests?

Droop, Shaky Sanchez, and Lenny the Lizard.

Which monsters appear in this number? I suppose ALL of them, right?

Thog, Sweetums, Dog Lion, Timmy Monster, and the Mutations.