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Gorgon Heap
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In interviews, Carly Simon has said that when she was a little girl, when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she would answer "a spy". Doing the theme for a James Bond movie ("The Spy Who Loved Me", 1977) was the next best thing. So I found what I thought was a neat way to incorporate that into the following outline.
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Carly Simon!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: CARLY SIMON
STYLE: SEASON THREE (circa Roy Clark, Gilda Radner)
COLD OPENING: Carly is nervous about meeting the Muppets, but Scooter assures her they don’t bite.
Scooter: “Well, most of us don’t.”
(From off-screen, Animal rushes in, hollering.)
Animal: “Bite! Bite! Argh!”
(Animal bites Carly’s shoulder.)
Carly: “Oh, yeah? Take this!”
(Carly bites Animal’s nose. He hollers.)
Animal: “Ah! Oh, more! More!”
(Carly bites Animal’s arm. Scooter looks on in disbelief.)
Animal: “Oh, yeah! More!”
(Carly bites Animal’s leg. Scooter exits, shaking his head.)
Animal: “Yeah, more! More!”
OPENING THEME:
WINGS: Gonzo stands by with his trumpet.
Gonzo: “I always get the same stage fright.”
Uncle Deadly (O.S.): “Then this will be different.”
(Uncle Deadly pops up behind Gonzo, scaring him. Gonzo runs on-stage while Uncle Deadly laughs.)
GONZO OPENING: spiders come out of Gonzo’s trumpet.
Gonzo: “Spiders!”
(He runs away.)
CURTAIN: Kermit introduces the show, Carly.
Bat (O.S.): “Wait!”
Kermit: “What?”
(The Brown Bat (from the Judy Collins episode) runs in.)
Bat: “I’m not ready for the opening number! I just arrived and needs to use the bat room”.
Kermit: “Wait a minute. Your number with Carly isn’t until later.”
Bat: “Oh, that’s a relief. Now I’ll have some time to hang out.”
Kermit: “Hang out?”
Bat: “Yeah. All this walking around right side up is making me dizzy!”
(Bat exits.)
Kermit: “Er… Uh, ahem, ladies and gentlemen: Miss Carly Simon.”
OPENING NUMBER: "Half a Chance" - Carly & the Electric Mayhem (on a dimly lit bare stage a la Fozzie’s “An Actor’s Life For Me”)
Waldorf: “Ah, Carly Simon makes my heart skip a beat.”
Statler: “You sure that’s not just your arrhythmia?”
(Waldorf thinks for a moment, then takes his pulse on his wrist. Statler leans his head in and listens to Waldorf’s chest.)
Statler: “Yep, that’s arrhythmia.”
(With a grunt, Statler whaps Waldorf in the chest.)
Waldorf (beat): “Better.”
(Statler nods.)
BACKSTAGE: While the coast is clear, secret agent Carly Simon radios Mission Control for the details of the top-secret mission that’s brought her to the Muppet Theater. Mission Control informs her that further instructions will come from their contact in the Muppet Theater: Rex Goliath, one of their biggest operators.
Carly, on the lookout for “the big guy”, meets him (in the form of a trench coat-clad Shaky Sanchez). Goliath gives Carly her assignment: to break up a crime ring that’s been smuggling exploding pies. During their conversation, a group of monsters (Luncheon Counter Monster, Blue Frackle and Green Frackle) cart several crates marked “Exploding Pies” through the background.
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents a spray for waterproofing clothing. While he tests it on Beaker, not only do his clothes NOT become waterproof, they disintegrate when wet, leaving Beaker naked and trying to cover himself while Bunsen chuckles.
Waldorf: “Look, Ma! No pants!”
(S & W chuckle.)
Statler: “Well, let a smile be his umbrella!”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen & Beaker return from the stage, the latter covering himself with a barrel.
Kermit: “Bunsen, we’re trying to put on a family show here! If you’re going to dissolve his clothing, the least you can do is give him a robe!”
(Bunsen chuckles.)
(Rex Goliath pops up only long enough to tell Carly to get some spying equipment. Carly borrows some from Bunsen, while Beaker tries to point out monsters carrying out their smuggling operation in the background.)
MELODRAMA: in an explosives shack, Uncle Deadly has tied Miss Piggy to a powder keg, with a dynamite fuse rigged to explode unless she agrees to marry him. As Piggy calls for her hero, we can hear someone struggling with the door.
Once Wayne bursts in, he realizes he knows this old shack – it used to be part of the old cider mill, which he hasn’t been to since his last performance with his old college glee club, the Wexford Warblers. Turns out, Uncle Deadly was in the Wexford Warblers, too!
With Piggy protesting in the background, it’s too noisy to sing close harmony in the shack, so they go outside, leaving Piggy to blow up.
BACKSTAGE: Rex Goliath issues instructions to Carly to use every means at her disposal to achieve her objective, even and including her feminine allure. She tries to charm information out of Kermit, but when a still disheveled Piggy returns from the stage, they both get caught and karate chopped.
MUPPET NEWS: the Newsman enters.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! In finance, the DOW saw a major upset with the rise of The Atomic Baking Company. The company, which had recently gone public, caught worldwide attention with the promise of a revolutionary method of delivering pies.”
(Luncheon Counter Monster enters.)
LCM: “Hey, I’ve got your pie here!”
Newsman: “But, I didn’t order any pie!”
LCM: “Oh, no problem! It’s a free sample.”
Newsman: “It is? Well, let me have it!”
LCM: “Okay! Here it comes!”
(LCM shoves the pie in the Newsman’s face.)
LCM: “That revolutionary enough for ya?”
(LCM points and laughs at the Newsman, then turns and walks away, still laughing. The Newsman shakes the pie off of his face, glaring after LCM. Upon hitting the desk, the tin explodes.)
SONG: “De Bat (Fly in Me Face)” – Carly enters a kitchen set, where her pets, Mutt and Catgut, rest in their baskets. As the reggae song rises, they play instruments and join in on background vocals, as does a calypso band (from the Kristofferson/Coolidge, James Coco episodes) popping out of the cupboards, oven, refrigerator etc. The Brown Bat flies into Carly’s head periodically, and bops & raps along with Carly on the chorus.
UK SPOT: "Up Around the Bend"- jug-band members in the woodland set (“Bein’ Green”/"Yesterday When I Was Young"), with Lou the jug-band lady on lead vocals, and ½ the guitar refrains transferred to fiddle.
PIGS IN SPACE:The Swinetrek approaches a field of Niwrad Beams (Darwin spelled backward), which cause pigs to de-evolve. They first transform into Neanderthal pigs, then lizard creatures, and finally into single-celled organisms.
Statler: “Well, there they go!”
Waldorf: “Yep. Adios, amoebas!”
DRESSING ROOM / BACKSTAGE:Carly, in her dressing room, puts a stethoscope to the wall to eavesdrop on an (innocuous) outside conversation.
(In the hallway, Fozzie talks to Scooter.)
Fozzie: “So Scooter, have you got ‘em?”
Scooter: “Yep, a whole case of ‘em right here!”
Fozzie: “Ah!”
(He pulls out a set of chattering teeth.)
Fozzie: “Oh, everyone is going to get such a bang out of these!”
(Carly bursts out of the dressing room and grabs Fozzie around the neck.)
Carly: “Gotcha!”
(Fozzie screams.)
Carly: “All right, where are they? Who are you working for?”
Fozzie: “I – I don’t know! Uh, K-K-Kermit?”
Carly: “Show me what’s in your hand, bear!”
(Fozzie holds up the chattering teeth, while chattering his own teeth in terror. Carly looks disappointed.)
Fozzie: “Uh, what did I do?”
(Carly suddenly snaps back to reality, and lets Fozzie out of her grip.)
Carly (improvising): “Oh, uh… oh, Fozzie! You’re just so cute and cuddly!”
(She throws her arms around him again. He screams again.)
Fozzie: “I’d settle for funny.”
Carly: “I just had to meet you and give you a big BEAR HUG!”
(She squeezes him. He screams again.)
Fozzie: “Uh - GULP - would you settle for a handshake?”
SONG: “My Boy Lollipop”- Annie Sue, in angora sweater, hair bow and poodle skirt, sings & dances with a bowtie-wearing Lollipop (in front of the “An Actor’s Life for Me” backdrop). At the end, she kisses him vociferously & ends up eating his candy head completely, leaving candy smears around her mouth and reducing him to a bowtie-wearing stick.
CANTEEN: Rex Goliath meets Carly in the canteen, “the last stop to try and crack this case”.
Carly: “Why wasn’t this the FIRST stop?!”
(Carly tries to order a pie from Gladys, but she refuses.)
Gladys: “No. We ain’t got no pies here, so don’t ask!”
(She backs away nervously.)
(Luncheon Counter Monster enters, looks around, and comes up behind Carly.)
LCM (whispering): “Hey! Psst! I got connections, see? I can get ya’s a pie, see?”
Carly: “You can? Well, where can I get it?”
LCM: “How about right here?”
(He pushes a pie in her face, laughs uproariously, and walks away.)
(Scooter enters.)
Scooter: “Carly Simon! Oh, sorry! I didn’t realize you were eating. It’s time for your closing number.”
(Carly removes the pie from her face, and examines the tin.)
Carly: “Hmm…”
(She throws the tin like a Frisbee at the other side of the room. Luncheon Counter Monster turns just in time to see it, scream, and duck before it hits the wall – and explodes.)
Carly: “Ah-hah! I knew it! Come here, you!”
(She chases LCM, who tries unsuccessfully to fake her out.)
LCM (points): “Oh, look! Look! Isn’t that James Bond?”
Carly: “Where?”
(He runs.)
Carly: “Oh! Come back here!”
BACKSTAGE: Carly chases LCM, who collects his monster cohorts & makes for the stage while Kermit looks on from his desk. Carly grabs them.
Kermit: “Hey! What’s going on?”
Carly: “Oh, Kermit!”
Kermit: “It’s almost time for your closing number. You’re supposed to be on stage.”
Carly: “I know, but I’ve got to catch these crooks, too!”
Kermit: “Crooks?”
Carly: “Yeah, they’ve been smuggling exploding pies right here in this theater! All right now, who are you working for?”
(A small figure, trench coat pulled over his face, skulks through the background.)
LCM: “Him!”
(Carly grabs the trench coat-clad figure. She pulls back his collar and removes his hat – it’s Rex Goliath! Turns out, this was all a training exercise before she could be promoted into the field.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “Nobody Does It Better” – Carly, in a trench coat, sits at the piano on a darkened stage and begins. After the intro, the lights come up, revealing the Electric Mayhem (bandstand set). The monsters (LCM, Blue & Green Frackle), Link, Scooter, Fozzie & Gonzo, all in trench coats, creep back & forth in the background (behind the piano, in front of the bandstand) chasing each other & shooting at each other with spy gadgets.
CURTAIN: Rex Goliath congratulates Carly on a job well-done, saying she’s passed the test and is ready to be promoted to a full-fledged field agent. She declines, having had enough excitement for a while. She does, however, offer him a surprise: a pie in the face. With the pie and tin still on his face, Goliath falls off the stage into the orchestra pit with an explosion!
Kermit: “That’s it for tonight! We’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
(The Brown Bat sits on Carly’s shoulder while Carly and Kermit defend themselves from Piggy’s accusations. Meanwhile, Gramps, the jug-band fiddle player, talks shop with the gray Calypso band member, while Luncheon Counter Monster, seasoning shaker at the ready, prepares to make a meal of an unsuspecting Annie Sue.)
(Rex Goliath pops up in Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Goliath: “Say, how would you fellas like to be my spies in the Muppet Theater? I could get you a permanent assignment here!”
(Statler & Waldorf toss him a bomb. Goliath blows up. S & W laugh.)
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Carly Simon!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: CARLY SIMON
STYLE: SEASON THREE (circa Roy Clark, Gilda Radner)
COLD OPENING: Carly is nervous about meeting the Muppets, but Scooter assures her they don’t bite.
Scooter: “Well, most of us don’t.”
(From off-screen, Animal rushes in, hollering.)
Animal: “Bite! Bite! Argh!”
(Animal bites Carly’s shoulder.)
Carly: “Oh, yeah? Take this!”
(Carly bites Animal’s nose. He hollers.)
Animal: “Ah! Oh, more! More!”
(Carly bites Animal’s arm. Scooter looks on in disbelief.)
Animal: “Oh, yeah! More!”
(Carly bites Animal’s leg. Scooter exits, shaking his head.)
Animal: “Yeah, more! More!”
OPENING THEME:
WINGS: Gonzo stands by with his trumpet.
Gonzo: “I always get the same stage fright.”
Uncle Deadly (O.S.): “Then this will be different.”
(Uncle Deadly pops up behind Gonzo, scaring him. Gonzo runs on-stage while Uncle Deadly laughs.)
GONZO OPENING: spiders come out of Gonzo’s trumpet.
Gonzo: “Spiders!”
(He runs away.)
CURTAIN: Kermit introduces the show, Carly.
Bat (O.S.): “Wait!”
Kermit: “What?”
(The Brown Bat (from the Judy Collins episode) runs in.)
Bat: “I’m not ready for the opening number! I just arrived and needs to use the bat room”.
Kermit: “Wait a minute. Your number with Carly isn’t until later.”
Bat: “Oh, that’s a relief. Now I’ll have some time to hang out.”
Kermit: “Hang out?”
Bat: “Yeah. All this walking around right side up is making me dizzy!”
(Bat exits.)
Kermit: “Er… Uh, ahem, ladies and gentlemen: Miss Carly Simon.”
OPENING NUMBER: "Half a Chance" - Carly & the Electric Mayhem (on a dimly lit bare stage a la Fozzie’s “An Actor’s Life For Me”)
Waldorf: “Ah, Carly Simon makes my heart skip a beat.”
Statler: “You sure that’s not just your arrhythmia?”
(Waldorf thinks for a moment, then takes his pulse on his wrist. Statler leans his head in and listens to Waldorf’s chest.)
Statler: “Yep, that’s arrhythmia.”
(With a grunt, Statler whaps Waldorf in the chest.)
Waldorf (beat): “Better.”
(Statler nods.)
BACKSTAGE: While the coast is clear, secret agent Carly Simon radios Mission Control for the details of the top-secret mission that’s brought her to the Muppet Theater. Mission Control informs her that further instructions will come from their contact in the Muppet Theater: Rex Goliath, one of their biggest operators.
Carly, on the lookout for “the big guy”, meets him (in the form of a trench coat-clad Shaky Sanchez). Goliath gives Carly her assignment: to break up a crime ring that’s been smuggling exploding pies. During their conversation, a group of monsters (Luncheon Counter Monster, Blue Frackle and Green Frackle) cart several crates marked “Exploding Pies” through the background.
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents a spray for waterproofing clothing. While he tests it on Beaker, not only do his clothes NOT become waterproof, they disintegrate when wet, leaving Beaker naked and trying to cover himself while Bunsen chuckles.
Waldorf: “Look, Ma! No pants!”
(S & W chuckle.)
Statler: “Well, let a smile be his umbrella!”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen & Beaker return from the stage, the latter covering himself with a barrel.
Kermit: “Bunsen, we’re trying to put on a family show here! If you’re going to dissolve his clothing, the least you can do is give him a robe!”
(Bunsen chuckles.)
(Rex Goliath pops up only long enough to tell Carly to get some spying equipment. Carly borrows some from Bunsen, while Beaker tries to point out monsters carrying out their smuggling operation in the background.)
MELODRAMA: in an explosives shack, Uncle Deadly has tied Miss Piggy to a powder keg, with a dynamite fuse rigged to explode unless she agrees to marry him. As Piggy calls for her hero, we can hear someone struggling with the door.
Once Wayne bursts in, he realizes he knows this old shack – it used to be part of the old cider mill, which he hasn’t been to since his last performance with his old college glee club, the Wexford Warblers. Turns out, Uncle Deadly was in the Wexford Warblers, too!
With Piggy protesting in the background, it’s too noisy to sing close harmony in the shack, so they go outside, leaving Piggy to blow up.
BACKSTAGE: Rex Goliath issues instructions to Carly to use every means at her disposal to achieve her objective, even and including her feminine allure. She tries to charm information out of Kermit, but when a still disheveled Piggy returns from the stage, they both get caught and karate chopped.
MUPPET NEWS: the Newsman enters.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! In finance, the DOW saw a major upset with the rise of The Atomic Baking Company. The company, which had recently gone public, caught worldwide attention with the promise of a revolutionary method of delivering pies.”
(Luncheon Counter Monster enters.)
LCM: “Hey, I’ve got your pie here!”
Newsman: “But, I didn’t order any pie!”
LCM: “Oh, no problem! It’s a free sample.”
Newsman: “It is? Well, let me have it!”
LCM: “Okay! Here it comes!”
(LCM shoves the pie in the Newsman’s face.)
LCM: “That revolutionary enough for ya?”
(LCM points and laughs at the Newsman, then turns and walks away, still laughing. The Newsman shakes the pie off of his face, glaring after LCM. Upon hitting the desk, the tin explodes.)
SONG: “De Bat (Fly in Me Face)” – Carly enters a kitchen set, where her pets, Mutt and Catgut, rest in their baskets. As the reggae song rises, they play instruments and join in on background vocals, as does a calypso band (from the Kristofferson/Coolidge, James Coco episodes) popping out of the cupboards, oven, refrigerator etc. The Brown Bat flies into Carly’s head periodically, and bops & raps along with Carly on the chorus.
UK SPOT: "Up Around the Bend"- jug-band members in the woodland set (“Bein’ Green”/"Yesterday When I Was Young"), with Lou the jug-band lady on lead vocals, and ½ the guitar refrains transferred to fiddle.
PIGS IN SPACE:The Swinetrek approaches a field of Niwrad Beams (Darwin spelled backward), which cause pigs to de-evolve. They first transform into Neanderthal pigs, then lizard creatures, and finally into single-celled organisms.
Statler: “Well, there they go!”
Waldorf: “Yep. Adios, amoebas!”
DRESSING ROOM / BACKSTAGE:Carly, in her dressing room, puts a stethoscope to the wall to eavesdrop on an (innocuous) outside conversation.
(In the hallway, Fozzie talks to Scooter.)
Fozzie: “So Scooter, have you got ‘em?”
Scooter: “Yep, a whole case of ‘em right here!”
Fozzie: “Ah!”
(He pulls out a set of chattering teeth.)
Fozzie: “Oh, everyone is going to get such a bang out of these!”
(Carly bursts out of the dressing room and grabs Fozzie around the neck.)
Carly: “Gotcha!”
(Fozzie screams.)
Carly: “All right, where are they? Who are you working for?”
Fozzie: “I – I don’t know! Uh, K-K-Kermit?”
Carly: “Show me what’s in your hand, bear!”
(Fozzie holds up the chattering teeth, while chattering his own teeth in terror. Carly looks disappointed.)
Fozzie: “Uh, what did I do?”
(Carly suddenly snaps back to reality, and lets Fozzie out of her grip.)
Carly (improvising): “Oh, uh… oh, Fozzie! You’re just so cute and cuddly!”
(She throws her arms around him again. He screams again.)
Fozzie: “I’d settle for funny.”
Carly: “I just had to meet you and give you a big BEAR HUG!”
(She squeezes him. He screams again.)
Fozzie: “Uh - GULP - would you settle for a handshake?”
SONG: “My Boy Lollipop”- Annie Sue, in angora sweater, hair bow and poodle skirt, sings & dances with a bowtie-wearing Lollipop (in front of the “An Actor’s Life for Me” backdrop). At the end, she kisses him vociferously & ends up eating his candy head completely, leaving candy smears around her mouth and reducing him to a bowtie-wearing stick.
CANTEEN: Rex Goliath meets Carly in the canteen, “the last stop to try and crack this case”.
Carly: “Why wasn’t this the FIRST stop?!”
(Carly tries to order a pie from Gladys, but she refuses.)
Gladys: “No. We ain’t got no pies here, so don’t ask!”
(She backs away nervously.)
(Luncheon Counter Monster enters, looks around, and comes up behind Carly.)
LCM (whispering): “Hey! Psst! I got connections, see? I can get ya’s a pie, see?”
Carly: “You can? Well, where can I get it?”
LCM: “How about right here?”
(He pushes a pie in her face, laughs uproariously, and walks away.)
(Scooter enters.)
Scooter: “Carly Simon! Oh, sorry! I didn’t realize you were eating. It’s time for your closing number.”
(Carly removes the pie from her face, and examines the tin.)
Carly: “Hmm…”
(She throws the tin like a Frisbee at the other side of the room. Luncheon Counter Monster turns just in time to see it, scream, and duck before it hits the wall – and explodes.)
Carly: “Ah-hah! I knew it! Come here, you!”
(She chases LCM, who tries unsuccessfully to fake her out.)
LCM (points): “Oh, look! Look! Isn’t that James Bond?”
Carly: “Where?”
(He runs.)
Carly: “Oh! Come back here!”
BACKSTAGE: Carly chases LCM, who collects his monster cohorts & makes for the stage while Kermit looks on from his desk. Carly grabs them.
Kermit: “Hey! What’s going on?”
Carly: “Oh, Kermit!”
Kermit: “It’s almost time for your closing number. You’re supposed to be on stage.”
Carly: “I know, but I’ve got to catch these crooks, too!”
Kermit: “Crooks?”
Carly: “Yeah, they’ve been smuggling exploding pies right here in this theater! All right now, who are you working for?”
(A small figure, trench coat pulled over his face, skulks through the background.)
LCM: “Him!”
(Carly grabs the trench coat-clad figure. She pulls back his collar and removes his hat – it’s Rex Goliath! Turns out, this was all a training exercise before she could be promoted into the field.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “Nobody Does It Better” – Carly, in a trench coat, sits at the piano on a darkened stage and begins. After the intro, the lights come up, revealing the Electric Mayhem (bandstand set). The monsters (LCM, Blue & Green Frackle), Link, Scooter, Fozzie & Gonzo, all in trench coats, creep back & forth in the background (behind the piano, in front of the bandstand) chasing each other & shooting at each other with spy gadgets.
CURTAIN: Rex Goliath congratulates Carly on a job well-done, saying she’s passed the test and is ready to be promoted to a full-fledged field agent. She declines, having had enough excitement for a while. She does, however, offer him a surprise: a pie in the face. With the pie and tin still on his face, Goliath falls off the stage into the orchestra pit with an explosion!
Kermit: “That’s it for tonight! We’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
(The Brown Bat sits on Carly’s shoulder while Carly and Kermit defend themselves from Piggy’s accusations. Meanwhile, Gramps, the jug-band fiddle player, talks shop with the gray Calypso band member, while Luncheon Counter Monster, seasoning shaker at the ready, prepares to make a meal of an unsuspecting Annie Sue.)
(Rex Goliath pops up in Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Goliath: “Say, how would you fellas like to be my spies in the Muppet Theater? I could get you a permanent assignment here!”
(Statler & Waldorf toss him a bomb. Goliath blows up. S & W laugh.)
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
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