TMS outline- Burl Ives!

[Gorgon Heap]

I can very easily imagine Burl Ives on The Muppet Show. For those unfamiliar with Ives, he was a well-known folk singer as well as an accomplished actor, taking the Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1958 for "The Big Country", the same year he reprised the role of Big Daddy in the film of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", a role which he created on Broadway. Ives is best known for folk songs but also recorded gospel, children's music, and of course Christmas music. He was also the voice of Sam the Snowman, narrator of the "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special. The song "Holly Jolly Christmas" was one of Burl's trademark songs. Here then, submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Mr. Burl Ives!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: BURL IVES

STYLE: MID SEASON ONE (circa Bruce Forsyth, Sandy Duncan episodes)

OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: "Musical instruments pose some interesting questions, like: how do you know when your bagpipes need tuning? Ponder that one."
BURL IVES: Burl in Talk Spot set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Scooter, Animal, Bunsen, Hilda, and George
GONZO: Gonzo puts a sword through the 'O'

OPENING NUMBER: “My Fair Lady” medley by Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem: “Wouldn’t it be Loverly?”(F#M)/”Ascot Gavrotte”(C#M)/”Get me to the Church on time”(A flat M)/”On the Street where you Live”(BM)/”I Could’ve Danced all Night”(BM)

(Cut to S & W's box.)

Waldorf: "You know, I used to think that with classic material, you couldn't lose."

Statler: "You can't, but around here they sure forfeit quite a bit."

Waldorf: "Heh heh heh!"

BACKSTAGE: Kermit is at his desk. Fozzie enters.

Fozzie: "Hey Kermit, I just wanna thank you for letting me plan a sketch for tonight's show."

Kermit: "Oh. Well it's my pleasure, Fozzie."

Fozzie: "So, do you wanna go rehearse now or in a little bit?"

Kermit: "Beg pardon?"

Fozzie: "You're doing the sketch with me, right?"

Kermit: "Uh, no, no, no. Sorry Fozzie, but I'm really much too busy to be in the sketch with you tonight."

Fozzie: "Oh. Well uh, how about Scooter?"

Kermit: "He's busy helping me out with some details on tonight's show."

Fozzie: "Well just who am I gonna get for this sketch?"

(Gonzo enters.)

Gonzo: "Hey Chief! Have I got a spot in the show tonight?"

Kermit: "Uh, sorry Gonzo, but there is no room for your act in the show tonight."

Fozzie: "Kermit, the sketch is going on a little while! I need somebody!"

Gonzo: "Sketch?"

Kermit (having not heard Gonzo): "Well I can't help that, Fozzie. I've got a million things to do. I'm afraid you're gonna have to figure this one out yourself."

Gonzo: "Hey, how about me? I could do it."

Fozzie: "You would?"

Gonzo: "Sure. Hey Kermit, what do you think?"

Fozzie: "Yeah, what do you think?"

Kermit: "I think you're both screwy. Listen Gonzo, this isn't your usual act, this is a comedy sketch. You've never done one of those before. I mean, have you ever really acted?"

Gonzo: "No, but it looks easy enough."

Fozzie: "Yeah. See, Kermit?"

Kermit: "All I see is a bad idea in the works. You two couldn't collaborate on an omelette."

Gonzo: "Oh yeah?!"

Fozzie: "Is that what you think?"

Gonzo: "Come on, Fozzie. We'll show him."

Fozzie: "Yeah. You just remember that when we're onstage."

(Fozzie and Gonzo exit.)

Kermit (calling after them): "Yeah, of course I will!"
(aside)
"It'll be a memory that ranks up there with the Alamo."

SONG: “Big Rock Candy Mountain” (Grade School version)- Burl and the Muppets (Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Mary Louise, Boppity, Droop, Children Whatnots et al) on the mountain of sweets

(Cut to S & W's box.)

Waldorf: "Great! I tell you, in the entertainment world, that Burl Ives is top drawer."

Statler: "Yes, Burl Ives does hold the floor."

Waldorf: "No, I'm trying to say he's fantastic."

Statler: "No, it's the Muppets who are spastic."

Waldorf: "Statler, I think your hearing aid is due for a new battery."

Statler: "No I won't respond to flattery, and frankly I wonder about you for suggesting it! Hmmph!"

Waldorf: "I give up."

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Gonzo can't agree on the punch line for the sketch and ask Kermit to decide. Kermit reads Fozzie's version.

Fozzie: "Well?"

Kermit: "It's not funny."

Gonzo: "Here, try this."

(Kermit reads Gonzo's version.)

Gonzo: "Well?"

Kermit: "That doesn't even make sense."

MUPPET LABS: Bunsen Honeydew invents the Silent Monster Whistle

PANEL DISCUSSION: Burl, Kermit, Piggy, George the Janitor, and Mildred discuss the question "what is the nature of man?" Grumpy old George complains that mankind is made up of mostly jerks, while Mildred's claims about man's progress from his primitive times are shot by the appearance of Animal, chasing a female Whatnot through the set. Mildred's protests are met by an explosion courtesy of Crazy Harry, and George angers Piggy, who karate chops him, all of which lead Kermit to announce, "tune in next week when our topic will be electroshock therapy."

THE HOUSES: (Theme music plays, camera shifts to left two houses.)

House #2: "My grandfather only ever has the same thing to say."

House #1: "Why's that?"

House #2: "He's a one-story building."

(Theme music plays again, out to full shot, houses close their eyes.)

DRESSING ROOM: Bunsen needs to hide after his experiment, and Burl inquires about Bunsen’s whistle. He tries it.

Burl: “No sound. What is this, a dog whistle?”

(The big monsters- Sweetums, Timmy, Thog, and one of the Mutations- crash through the dressing room wall and scatter.)

Bunsen: “Well, not exactly.”

WAYNE & WANDA: "You Make Me Feel So Young"- Wayne sings to Wanda, but gets interrupted by his mother, who berates him for being out late with this 'floozy' (!) and orders him to go home and clean up his room.

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Gonzo are rehearsing, but Gonzo can't remember his line (that's right, LINE- he only has one.)

AT THE DANCE-

(Cut to a shot of Zoot & Janice.)

Janice: "Say, would you be interested in going to a fire sale?"

Zoot: "No thanks, I can make 'em myself, cheaper!"

(Cut to a new shot of George & Mildred.)

Mildred: "My cousin, the research scientist, had been in a bad humor lately. He thinks he's missing some human skulls but he's not certain."

George: "Oh? Why not?"

Mildred: "He didn't get a head count."

(George does a take to the camera as he and Mildred trot toward the camera and out of the shot. New shot of the pig couple from episodes 14 through 18.)

Male Pig: "Last week I went on a seafood diet."

Female Pig: "Oh, how does it work?"

Male Pig: "When I see food, I eat it."

(New shot of Rowlf & Sexy Muppet)

Rowlf: "So I said to my agent, I said, "Listen Bernie, I've got real matinee idol potential here. I mean I could be the next Burt Reynolds!"

Sexy Muppet: "Well, you do kind of remind me of Burt Reynolds."

Rowlf: "Because of my charm and good looks?"

Sexy Muppet: "No, because of the hair on your face."

(Rowlf reacts to the camera. New shot of Animal and his pink sweater-clad dancing partner.)

Girl: "Hey Animal, what's your sign?"

Animal: "OH! HERE IT IS!"

(Animal holds up a sign that says "Do Not Feed the Animal".)

Girl: "...Makes sense."

(New shot of the Scoffs.)

Green Scoff(Female): "Are you ready for dinner yet?"

Blue Scoff(Male): "Sorry honey, I'm still full from lunch."

(The two pigs dance by.)

Blue Scoff: "Well maybe a ham sandwich."

(They chase after the pigs, who flee in terror.)

UK SPOT: “The Four Seasons”- Rowlf plays excerpts from Vivaldi, with the appropriate changes of scenery

TALK SPOT: Kermit is discouraged about the Fozzie & Gonzo situation- Fozzie is no writer and Gonzo is no actor. Remembering that Burl is both a singer and an actor, Burl and Kermit talk about developing multiple talents. Kermit asks Burl if there's anything else he does well. Burl tells him that there is one other thing he does- the tango!

Kermit: "I'd like to see that."

Burl: "All right. Hope you don't mind if I lead."

Kermit: "What?"

(Burl tangos with Kermit. He swings him around and ends up tossing him offstage. Kermit re-enters, woozy.)

Kermit: "Uh, that about wraps up the Talk Spot for another week."

(He faints. Cut to S & W's box.)

Waldorf: "I found that rather funny. How did you find that sketch?"

Statler: "What do you mean? I found it by opening my eyes and looking right at it."

Waldorf: "...Sorry I asked."

MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.

Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Topeka, Kansas. Farmer Bud Crenshaw and his wife Millie awoke one morning to find a baby abandoned on their doorstep. The Crenshaws found it a total surprise, especially since the foundling waif was a baby water buffalo. Here direct from Kansas is Mr. Crenshaw to tell us the details."

(On the screen right monitor, Mr. Crenshaw, played by Burl Ives, appears.)

Crenshaw: "Well, we found this little feller on the doorstep about two weeks ago. My wife and I could never have children of our own, so we decided to adopt the little guy and raise him as if he was our own."

Newsman: "I see. What a touching story. Tell me, Mr. Crenshaw, has raising a baby water buffalo raised any problems?"

Crenshaw: "Well, not really, except my wife is still trying to figure out how to knit booties for hooves."

(The Newsman does a flabbergasted reaction.)

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Gonzo enter.

Gonzo: "Hey boss, we're ready for the sketch now."

Kermit: "Oh good. All the kinks worked out?"

Fozzie: "You bet! And to hear you tell it, you'd think it wasn't gonna work."

Gonzo: "Yeah."

Fozzie: "It's gonna be great! You'll see." (They go to the stage.)

Kermit (calling after them): "Famous last words!" (He shakes his head.)

SKETCH: "Supermarket"- Fozzie is inspecting the fruit.

Voice on intercom: "Fozzie Bear, please pick up yellow courtesy banana. Fozzie Bear, please pick up the yellow courtesy banana."

Fozzie: "Okay. Hmm, which one is it?"

Talking Banana: "It's the one right next to me."

Fozzie (reaches for one): "Oh, this one?"

Banana: "No, the other side."

Fozzie: "Thanks."
(into banana)
"Hello? You don't say. You don't say! YOU DON'T SAY!"

(Gonzo enters. Fozzie looks to him for his cue line. Gonzo scratches his head, trying to remember.)

Gonzo: "Uh, uh, can I help you?"

Fozzie: "He d- Gonzo, that's-"
(whispers)
"That's not the line."

Gonzo (whispers): "It's not?"

Fozzie (whispers): "No. Your line is, 'who was it?'. Got that?"

Gonzo (whispers): "Yeah."

Fozzie: "All right, we'll do it again."

(Fozzie does the bit over again, and when he gets to the "you don't say" part, Gonzo enters.)

Gonzo: "Did he say who it was?"

Fozzie: "He- GONZO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Gonzo: "WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Fozzie: "DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR LINE? YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE! YOU'RE RUINING THE SKETCH!"

Gonzo: "WELL DON'T SHOUT AT ME, I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!"

Fozzie: "Don't you know what to say when I say 'you don't say? You don't say?'"

Gonzo: "Tell me again!"

Fozzie: "You're supposed to say 'who was it?'"

Gonzo: "He didn't say!"

(The audience laughs. Fozzie yells and chases Gonzo off the set. Cut to S & W's box.)

Waldorf: "I thought that sketch was the pits. What did you think?"

Statler: "I thought it was very relevant."

Waldorf: "Really? Why?"

Statler: "It reminded me that I have to go to the market tomorrow." (S & W laugh.)

VET’S HOSPITAL: Svengali (the villain/sorcerer from “Comedy Tonight” and “You Do Something To Me”) is the patient; he doesn’t say anything but he still casts a spell

CLOSING NUMBER: “Holly Jolly Christmas”- Burl, as Santa Claus, with the reindeer (from the Ed Sullivan show) and elves in and around the workshop

GOODNIGHTS: Fade up on Kermit.

Kermit: "Well that about sews it up for this show, but before we go, we'd like to thank our guest star for joining us, Mr. Burl Ives!"

(APPLAUSE. Burl enters.)

Burl: "Thank you, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun. You Muppets may be weird, but you're a swell bunch of folks."

(Offstage, Fozzie and Gonzo shout at one another. They enter, still shouting.)

Kermit (to Burl): "Most of the time, anyway."
(to Fozzie and Gonzo)
"Will you cut that out?!"
(to audience)
"We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show."

(Burl, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Bunsen, Hilda, and Charlie the Reindeer gather around.)

(Cut to S & W's box)

Statler: "You know, I'm starting to like this show."

Waldorf: "Really?"

Statler: "Yes, now that's it's over, I have a lot more to like!"

(S & W laugh.)


Comments welcome.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Philip Kippel]

Congratulations on another delightful TMS outline, GH.

Some of my favorite parts were:

-the Scoffs chasing the Pigs in "At the Dance"
-the inclusion of the "Ed Sullivan Show" reindeer
-Svengali as the patient in Vet's Hospital
-the Wayne & Wanda piece, with Wayne's mother interrupting them

One minor gripe, though: When are you going to do a Talking Houses skit that focuses on the two houses on the right?

And, of course, I have the usual round of questions:

OPENING NUMBER: “My Fair Lady” medley by Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem: “Wouldn’t it be Loverly?”(F#M)/”Ascot Gavrotte”(C#M)/”Get me to the Church on time”(A flat M)/”On the Street where you Live”(BM)/”I Could’ve Danced all Night”(BM)

What do the letters in the brackets mean?

Also, which EM members sing which songs?

SONG: “Big Rock Candy Mountain” (Grade School version)- Burl and the Muppets (Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Mary Louise, Boppity, Droop, Children Whatnots et al) on the mountain of sweets

Which other Muppets are in this number besides the ones you listed?

MUPPET LABS: Bunsen Honeydew invents the Silent Monster Whistle

Do any of the monsters appear in this sketch? If so, who?

VET’S HOSPITAL: Svengali (the villain/sorcerer from “Comedy Tonight” and “You Do Something To Me”) is the patient; he doesn’t say anything but he still casts a spell

What spell does Svengali cast?

CLOSING NUMBER: “Holly Jolly Christmas”- Burl, as Santa Claus, with the reindeer (from the Ed Sullivan show) and elves in and around the workshop

Are the elves in this number the same ones from "The Great Santa Claus Switch" (Zippity, Skippity, Hoppity, Bing, Bong & Fred)?

Once again, great job as usual, GH...and I, as always, look forward to your next TMS outlines.

 

[Skeeter Muppet]

Brilliant, Dave. Just brilliant. I loved Fozzie and Gonzo's sketch going the way of "The Comedian's a Bear" (i.e. totally falling apart). Obiviously this takes place after that episode, as Kermit is understandably wary of doing another sketch with Fozzie. My favorite part was "At the Dance", particularly the "seafood diet" and "Don't Feed the Animal" jokes.

What do the letters in the brackets mean?

The letters in the parentheses after each song title stand for what key the song is played in. For example, "Wouldn't it be Loverly" is played in F sharp Major, and "On the Street Where You Live" is in B Major.

-Kim

 

[Princeton]

Great job, Dave! Loved Burl's tango with Kermit ; and when in My Fair Lady is Ascot Govrotte sung?

Here again, sorry for writing a Burl Ives outline before you did . And I do have to say that yours is better that mine. As usual, lookin' forward to the next one!

 

[Philip Kippel]

(The big monsters- Sweetums, Timmy, Thog, and one of the Mutations- crash through the dressing room wall and scatter.)

GH, I think that you should replace Timmy with Thig, since Timmy wasn't created until the Ben Vereen episode.

I still think that this outline was great as usual, though, and I'm still looking forward to the next ones. I hope that you'll use at least some of the ideas that I suggested in the private messages that I sent to you in future outlines.

 

[Gorgon Heap]

One minor gripe, though: When are you going to do a Talking Houses skit that focuses on the two houses on the right?

Considering there was only one sketch on the show that did, I probably won't.

Also, which EM members sing which songs?

Dr. Teeth sings all.

Which other Muppets are in this number besides the ones you listed?

Just those.

Do any of the monsters appear in this sketch? If so, who?

They all do.

What spell does Svengali cast?

That was just a figure of speech. As to spells, I haven't decided. Maybe he turns them into something else than what they are.

Are the elves in this number the same ones from "The Great Santa Claus Switch" (Zippity, Skippity, Hoppity, Bing, Bong & Fred)?

Yes. And OhBoy Bird and YouKnow Bird are also dancing in "At the Dance" but don't tell a joke. I know Timmy Monster wasn't in any TMS episodes prior to the Ben Vereen edition, but I get the feeling that he may have been used in something else prior, maybe the Nancy Sinatra Vegas show or a TV appearance- anyone else have any info on the origins of Timmy?

Princeton- "Ascot Gavrotte" is, I believe, the first song sung at the racetrack; it's also the first song sung in the Broadway medley that closes the Pearl Bailey episode of TMS: "Every duke and earl and peer is here, everyone who should be here is here. What a smashing, positively dashing spectacle we're here to see today."

I'm proudest of the "At the Dance" sketch, and glad to see that people like it. Does everyone get the 'fire sale' joke? I told it to my mom and she didn't, so I feel I have to ask. I struggled with the wording of it to get it to make sense and hope I managed it.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Philip Kippel]

Considering there was only one sketch on the show that did, I probably won't.

I really think that you should anyway.

You don't let other limitations get in the way of your writing. For example, the practice of including muppets that did not appear in the actual series.

They all do.

You mean Boppity, Gloat, Droop, Lenny the Lizard, Miss Kitty, Snake Frackle, Flower-Eating Monster, the Green & Purple Heaps, the Snerfs, the Blue & Green Scoffs, Shakey Sanchez, Behemoth, Gorgon Heap, Beautiful Day Monster, Lothar, Thig, Thog, Sweetums, Timmy (if he was created prior to TMS) and the Mutations. Right?

Did I miss anyone?

I'm proudest of the "At the Dance" sketch, and glad to see that people like it. Does everyone get the 'fire sale' joke? I told it to my mom and she didn't, so I feel I have to ask. I struggled with the wording of it to get it to make sense and hope I managed it.

Please correct me if I'm wrong here, but here's what I think that joke means: I think that Zoot meant that he would make his own fires and put them up for sale, thinking that "fire sale" meant that actual fires were being put up for sale.

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

So Dave...are you still working on a new outline with Tennessee Ernie Ford?

 

[Gorgon Heap]

You mean Boppity, Gloat, Droop, Lenny the Lizard, Miss Kitty, Snake Frackle, Flower-Eating Monster, the Green & Purple Heaps, the Snerfs, the Blue & Green Scoffs, Shakey Sanchez, Behemoth, Gorgon Heap, Beautiful Day Monster, Lothar, Thig, Thog, Sweetums, Timmy (if he was created prior to TMS) and the Mutations. Right?

Did I miss anyone?

Sorry, miswrote. I meant the four I mentioned previously.

Please correct me if I'm wrong here, but here's what I think that joke means: I think that Zoot meant that he would make his own fires and put them up for sale, thinking that "fire sale" meant that actual fires were being put up for sale.

Close enough. I meant that he could make his own fires cheaper rather than buy them.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Gorgon Heap]

So Dave...are you still working on a new outline with Tennessee Ernie Ford?

Yes I am. The bare bones are filled in (i.e. what acts and where they go, and a basic backstage plot), now I just have to fill in some of the more specific details. Don't know when it'll be up, though. Also doing some work with Barry Lee on a Mel Brooks outline, and I'd love to have my ages-old Buddy Hackett outline over and done with when I get the chance.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole