TMS outline - Angela Lansbury!

[Gorgon Heap]

SPECIAL GUEST STAR: ANGELA LANSBURY

STYLE: LATE SEASON FOUR (circa Carol Channing, Alan Arkin episodes)

COLD OPENING: Angela, clad in a robe, thanks Scooter for the Muppets’ hospitality.

Angela: “I've played many theaters in my life, but never one with a hot tub in the dressing room!”

Scooter: “Hot tub? What hot tub?”

Angela: “It’s right here.”

(He enters and sees it.)

Scooter: “I don’t know anything about it. I wonder who put it there.”

(The Swedish Chef appears and dumps vegetables into it, then a rubber chicken, and then seasons it with salt and pepper shakers, which he also dumps into the pot. Angela presses her palm to her face and sighs.)

OPENING THEME:
Orchestra pit: a Spaniel fetches the stick –- Nigel's baton!

Nigel: “Hey! Come back here with that!”

GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: Gonzo’s trumpet makes the sound of a frog ribbit. Frogs hop into the ‘O’, croaking. They hop around and all over Gonzo.

OPENING NUMBER: “It’s Today” - Angela and chorus of penguin waiters and Whatnot party guests in a mansion foyer, with the Swedish Chef constructing a giant layer cake in the background (which he falls into at the end)

Waldorf: “Angela Lansbury is terrific!”

Statler: “Yes, but those poor penguins! I don’t know how they stand it.”

Waldorf: “What, working on The Muppet Show?”

Statler: “No, being under those hot stage lights while wearing full tuxedos! Ha ha ha! Get it?”

Waldorf: “Eh heh heh!”

Statler: “Heh! Tuxedos? Penguins? Ha ha ha!”

BACKSTAGE: Sam laments that Kermit indulges in ridiculousness. At that moment, Robin comes up to Kermit to ask to do a song, and Kermit turns him down.

Robin: “Someday, I’d like to be up on stage performing the old standards of the Broadway musical theatre.”

Sam: “If only there was someone around here who –- Robin, did you say, “musical theatre”?”
(He nods)
“Did you say, “Broadway”?”

Robin: “Mm-hmm.”

Sam: “Did you say, “old standards”?”

Robin: “Yes, Sam.”

Sam: “Oh! Bless you, lad! Let me take you under my wing.”

(Robin literally looks at the space under Sam’s left wing.)

Robin: “Well, there’s plenty of room!”

(He mugs at the camera.)

Sam: “No, no, no. I mean, let me mentor you. With my help, you could be a frog of dignity and culture! Why, Robin the frog, you could be the salvation of this very theater!”
(Looks offstage)
“I’m afraid it’s too late for your uncle.”

BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie arrests Angus McGonagle for playing bagpipes without a permit. Angus is outraged and demands to call his attorney.

Angus (hollers): “Hey, Irving!”

(Irving the attorney enters and challenges the law as an out-of-date statute that hasn't been enforced in decades. When Link and Fozzie won't budge, he looks at Link’s police code book and calls them on two old statutes: “a bear wearing a hat on a Wednesday”, and “a pig dunking a donut”. Link then looks up an obscure law to call out the lawyer, they all try to lock each other up, and in the melee, they all get locked in the cell and Fozzie throws away the key.)

Irving: “This police code book is from 1894!”

Link: “Of course! That’s my prized first edition police code book.”

Irving: “Half of these laws have been repealed by now! You mean to say you’ve been using an out-of-date book all this time?!”

Link: “But I’ve been using that police code book my whole career! It’s always had the answers.”

Irving: “Well, I know one thing it can't answer.”

Fozzie: “What’s that?”

Irving: “How we’re going to get out of here.”

(CODA. Audience laughter and applause.)

(AUDIENCE SHOT)

MUPPET SPORTS: “Unicycle Boxing” - Two pigs, Kid Galahad and Meherrin Golly, box while riding unicycles. At the end, one delivers a knockout punch, sending the other out of the ring and toppling onto Lewis.

BACKSTAGE: Sam stands behind Kermit’s desk. There’s an unclothed doll on the desk, and a dressing screen in the background. Robin calls out from behind it.

Robin (O.S): “Sam, do I HAVE to wear this?!”

Sam: “It is not proper for a frog not to wear clothing. Your uncle pushes the boundaries of good taste as it is with that flimsy collar.”

Robin (O.S.): “But you don’t wear any clothes!”

Sam (beat, sotto voce): “I’m covered with feathers, you’re covered with slime. WORK with me here.”

(Robin emerges from behind the screen clad in a Victorian children’s suit.)

Robin: “I feel really DUMB!”

Sam: “Nonsense, Robin. You look dignified, aristocratic!”

(Robin looks over at a doll.)

Robin: “Sam, did you just take this outfit off of that doll?”

Sam: “No, no, of course not!”

Doll: “Yes, he did!”

(Sam screams. The doll hops off the desk and chases Sam back and forth. Robin shrugs.)

SONG: “My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean” - Angus McGonagle tries to sing but gets interrupted by the rabbits, who take over the number as a fast tempo version of “My Bunny Lies Over the Ocean”, leaving Angus to exclaim, “If you can't beat ‘em, join ‘em!” He exits and returns wearing an oversized pair of bunny ears and joins in gargling on the big finish.

UK SPOT; CANTEEN: The cast hangs out, bored, while the prairie dogs practice building a ‘human’ pyramid.

Janice: “Oh, wow. Like, I can’t believe Sam threw us out of the backstage like that.”

Floyd: “Yeah. He wanted peace and quiet so he could give Robin a lecture on Wagnerian Shakespeare.”

(Floyd chuckles.)

Janice: “Oh, rully! You know, for all his talk about culture, sometimes I don’t think Sam knows WHAT he likes.”

Floyd: “Mm-hmm. Only what he hates.”

Janice: “Say, that gives me an idea! Hit it!”

(She breaks into): SONG: “Mama Don’t Allow” (parody)

Janice (singing): “Sam don’t allow no guitar playing in here.
Sam don’t allow no guitar playing in here.
It don’t matter if you’re flat or sharp,
You’re gonna wake up playing a harp,
‘Cause Sam don’t allow no guitar playing in here.”
(speaking)
“Lew Zealand, take a verse!”

Lew: (singing): “Sam don’t allow no boomerang fish in here.
Sam don’t allow no boomerang fish in here.
It don’t matter if you play with sole,
He’ll send you packin’ to the old North Pole,
‘Cause Sam don’t allow no boomerang fish in here.”

(CUT TO: a shot of the prairie dogs in their ‘human’ pyramid’.)

Male Prairie Dog (singing): “Sam don’t allow no gopher pyramids here.”

Female Prairie Dog #1 (singing): “Sam don’t allow no gopher pyramids here.”

Male Prairie Dog (singing): “It don’t matter if you’ve asked the frog --”

Female Prairie Dog #2 (singing): “’Cause eagles don’t respect prairie dogs --”

All prairie dogs (singing): “And Sam don’t allow no gopher pyramids here.”

Gonzo (singing): “Sam don’t allow no oatmeal diving in here.
Sam don’t allow no oatmeal diving in here.
It don’t matter if it’s all for art,
‘Cause Sam and culture are worlds apart --”

All (singing): “-- And Sam don’t allow no oatmeal diving in here.”

(CUT TO: wide shot, with prairie dogs unseen)

Janice: “Everyone!”

Lew: “In harmony!”

All (except prairie dogs, singing): “Sam don’t allow no group arrangements in here.”

Prairie dogs (popping up, singing): “Vo do de oh!
Vo do de oh!”

All (except prairie dogs, singing): “Sam don’t allow no group arrangements in here.”

Prairie dogs (popping up, singing): “Wah wah wah wah”

All (singing): “Well, we don’t care what Sam don’t allow,
‘Cause we’re gonna sing it anyhow,
Though Sam don’t allow no group arrangements in --”
(Beat)
“HEEEEEEEERE!”

(Sam bursts in just before the final phrase.)

Sam: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”

All (except Sam, singing): “Bomp!”

(Sam buries his face in his palm and exits, while the cast cheers and congratulates each other, and the prairie dogs pop up and down.)

BACKSTAGE; SONG: Robin sighs in front of the stairs as Angela enters from upstairs.

Angela: “Robin, what’s the matter?”

Robin: “Oh, hi Miss Lansbury. It’s Sam the Eagle. He’s trying to make a cultured frog out of me and it’s not going so well.”

Angela: “Oh?”

Robin: “Don’t misunderstand, it’s nice of him to take an interest in me, but I feel like he’s trying to make me something I’m not.”

Angela: “I understand completely. It happens to all of us in this business at one time or another.”

Robin: “Yeah. To tell you the truth, I don’t what people expect of me around here.”

Angela: “Robin, you’ve got to be true to yourself. And, if you think you’re not being heard, just call on your friends. We’ll be there for you.”

Robin: “Gosh! You mean it?”

(She nods and breaks into): SONG: “Not While I’m Around” - Angela sings to Robin

PIGS IN SPACE: The crew of the Swinetrek has recovered a drifting probe. Opening it inside the control room, an ape (Quongo) emerges from it and goes, well, ape. He kisses the pigs, knocks things over, climbs the walls, hangs from the ceiling, and drops onto Link. Piggy gets hold of the ape.

Link: “Oh, good job, First Mate Piggy! Now let’s clobber him before he does any more damage.”

Piggy: “WHAT?! How can you THINK of such a thing?!”

Strangepork: “But he’s all over the place!”

Piggy: “Of COURSE he’s all over the place! Who knows how long he’s been cooped up in a space pod, not being able to interact with another creature. There, there.”

(She strokes him as she speaks, and he falls asleep on her shoulder. Now the crew must be quiet to keep from waking him.)

Link: “My, look how late it is. Time for bed. Strangepork, are you sure you’re up for a shift on the night watch?”

Strangepork: “Oh, positively, Link! Don’t vorry about a thing!”

Link: “Okay, well I’ll see you in the morning. Good night.”

Strangepork: “Good night!”

(Strangepork promptly falls asleep and starts snoring loudly, causing the ape to stir. Link carries Strangepork to bed while Piggy minds the ape. Link returns with a sandwich. He puts pepper on it and, after wolfing it down, promptly gets the hiccups, causing the ape to stir. Piggy reaches over to guide Link through deep breaths, brushing her nose on the ape’s hair. When Link stops hiccuping, Piggy tries to stifle a sneeze.)

Piggy: “Ah... ah... AH... Whew.”
(Beat)
“ACHOO!”

(The ape wakes up and goes bananas again.

BACKSTAGE: When Sam isn’t looking, Kermit discreetly gives Robin the words to say to stand up to Sam.

Robin: “After all, a frog has to make his own destiny. After all, it’s the American way!”

Sam: “Maybe you’re right, Robin. It IS the American way.”

Robin: “Yeah. I could be on Broadway, or I could come up with the biggest dance craze since disco!”

Sam (beat): “You’re beyond hope.”

CLOSING NUMBER: “Never Never Land” - Angela, as Mrs. Darling, tells Wendy (Annie Sue), John (Scooter), and Michael (Robin) a bedtime story of Peter Pan (Kermit), who bursts through the window in the middle, leading the kids to fly off with him. Flight montage through the stars, over and through Neverland, dissolving to the kids back in their beds, as though it was all just a dream. As the kids snuggle into their beds, Angela turns around, revealing she’s clutching Peter’s shadow. She tosses it up through the window at an unseen Peter, who flies away with a smile and a wave.

GOODNIGHTS: In front of the red curtain, Kermit thanks Angela. Sam enters.

Sam: “Miss Lansbury, I want to tell you what an honor it’s been to have a woman of such class and dignity on the show.”

Angela: “Thank you, Sam. You know, there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to ask you.”

(She turns around.)

Sam: “What’s that?”

(She turns back around wearing Groucho glasses.)

Angela: “How do I look?”

(Angela and Kermit laugh as Sam buries his face in his palm. Angela takes off the Groucho glasses.)

Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

(Angela, Kermit, Scooter, Sam, Robin, Link, Annie Sue, Angus, and two penguins gather around.)

Waldorf: “We can learn something from that frog.”

Statler: “Like what?”

Waldorf: “How to CROAK!”

(Statler recoils as Waldorf laughs. Statler leans in.)

Statler: “PERISH the thought.”

(Statler & Waldorf laugh.)


Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Swedish Chef, Waldorf, Nigel
Frank: Piggy, Fozzie, Sam
Jerry: Robin, Floyd, Dr. Strangepork, Lew Zealand, Lewis Kazagger, Angus McGonagle
Richard: Scooter, Janice, Kid Galahad, Quongo
Dave: Gonzo, Irving, Meherrin Golly, Spaniel
Steve: Rabbit #1, male Prairie Dog
Louise: Annie Sue, female Prairie Dog #2
Kathy: female Prairie Dog #1


Feedback encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole