TMS fanfic: Masks

[Slackbot]

Here I go again, ready or not! Here's a story that takes place after Muppets from Earth, and is called...

Masks, Part 1:
In the Arches
by Kim McFarland​

*****

Kermit the Frog bounced onstage, in front of the Muppet Show logo, and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet show, with our very special guest star!" He waved his arms and cheered, then hopped to the top of the logo, which rose and disappeared into the flyspace. The familiar theme song played as the curtains opened, revealing a set of arches. Thog, Timmy, Sweetums, Fletcher Bird, and Bobo strutted onstage and through the lowest row of arches, then struck a pose. A set of female Muppets came in from the right wings into the next row of arches, singing,

"It's time to play the music,
It's time to light the lights!
It's time to meet the Muppets
On the Muppet Show tonight."
​

From the left wings, a set of male Muppets came onstage, singing,

"It's time to put on makeup,
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started-"
​

Kermit, sitting in the middle of one row of arches, sang,

"It's time to get things started-"
​

Then everyone sang,

"It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspiration,
Celebrational, Muppetational,
This is what we call The Muppet show!"
​

The logo lowered again, with Gonzo in the center of the O. He drew in a breath and blew, and the sound of a gong rang out. He reeled backward as if stunned by the noise.

Kermit looked over to his left. "How'd that look?"

Scooter, who was sitting at a bank of monitors just offstage, said, "Looked great, Chief."

Scooter was surrounded by a gaggle of other Muppets, who were peering curiously at the new technology. Each monitor was hooked to a camera inconspicuously attached to the underside of the balcony, the box seats, and various other locations so they could film the stage from all angles. A tech could control the cameras from here, but it looked to Scooter as if, in most cases, they could just set 'em and forget 'em.

A different set of Muppets took their marks in the upper arches. Beauregard, wearing a purple tuxedo, ambled onstage and said, "Muppet Show intro, scene 3B." He held a clapboard up, snapped it on his fingers, winced, and walked offstage. The music playback began again, and the Muppets onstage sang,

"On the most sensational, inspiration,
Celebrational, Muppetational,
This is what we call The Muppet show!"
​

Kermit pushed his way through the crowd backstage, barely avoiding stepping on a cluster of furry, multicolored, spherical creatures, and asked, "How was that?"

"I'd say it's a keeper." Scooter pressed some buttons, and the second sequence played back from several angles.

"Oh, good. Let's keep going," Kermit said, and crossed the stage, where a third set of Muppets was assembling. They would do enough takes to fit everyone in, and then composite them together.

Some of the more experienced Muppets were hanging out backstage right, which for once was the less busy area. Miss Piggy, dressed in a strapless dress with matching gloves, looked as if she wanted to say something to Kermit, but instead just grabbed him up in a rib-creaking hug. He had barely the breath to squawk. Dr. Teeth, up in the balcony, grinned, as was his wont. Gonzo noticed, but did not comment on what was, after all, a fairly typical scene. Fozzie did not notice because he was busy pitching ideas at Gonzo. "It'd be really funny to have something come out of it."

"Like what? We've already done smoke, a bee, an airplane, my teeth, and other stuff."

"How about a cream pie?"

"How would that fit in the trumpet?"

"The same way the plane did. Or maybe have it come at you instead, you know. Er, if you don't mind. Um, I mean, pies are funny."

Gonzo thought about that. "A pie to the face? Gotta admit, nobody'd see that coming."

Camilla, who was wearing the chicken equivalent of an evening dress, her costume for her stint in the arches, clucked, It's always pies with him.

Gonzo answered in English, "But with me it'd be different."

Billie, who was about to celebrate her first birthday, started forward. She was deep into the toddler stage, and wanted to wander everywhere and get into everything. Camilla quickly put her wings around the chick, who squeaked indignantly. She was tired of being fenced in. Without pausing the conversation Gonzo picked his daughter up. She stopped complaining—if she couldn't have adventure, attention would do—and began playing with the flower in his buttonhole.

"How about a cannonball? Have you shot a cannonball out your trumpet? You could do it the same way you did the plane and other stuff."

Startled, Gonzo said, "I can't believe I've never thought of that."

**

A few hours later, the day's shooting was finished. They had shot all but the episode-specific parts of the opening and closing segments, in the process testing out the new camera setup. Now Kermit called everyone into the theater house. They filled the lower seating area. Kermit sat informally on the edge of the orchestra pit. For once he did not have to shout for attention; everyone was eager to hear him. He said, "Everything looked great. We've gotten all the footage we can today; the rest will be shot show-by-show.

"The deal is inked. We'll be filming for TV during our regular shows. It won't be much different from before. We'll just use the best parts for TV."

Rowlf called out, "What do you mean by 'best'?"

Kermit answered, "Most entertaining, of course."

"Thought so," the dog said, grinning.

"There will be one significant change in the schedule," Kermit continued. "We'll be performing Fridays through Mondays as before, and rehearsing on Tuesdays through Thursdays. However, the show will only run Friday through Sunday. On Mondays we'll film backstage bits and anything else that doesn't fit in the stage show."

There was some muttering, but this was no surprise. Kermit waited it out, then said, "I want to thank everyone for sticking with the show. Some of you have been with me since the beginning, and we've picked up the rest of you over the years. I don't say it enough—thanks, everybody. You're all like family to me, and I think you're the greatest folks I've known in my life!"

Rowlf replied, "We're just about all the folks you've known in your life!"

That wasn't true—Kermit had thousands of brothers, sisters, and other family members back in the swamp—but it was worth a laugh.

Kermit said, "The show will open in two weeks. We've got the acts for that one planned, and enough for a bunch more shows, but we need more. Lots more. And it doesn't matter if they're too silly or short for the stage show. We can still film things on the fourth day for the TV version. We're also booking guest stars. And this time some of them actually want to be on the show!

"So, last word and then I'll shut up. It's gonna be great, so let's do what we do best: just dive in and have a ball!"

The cheers and applause knocked Kermit backward into the orchestra pit.

*****

All characters except Billie are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Billie is copyright© Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

*Likes how the Muppets create the illusion that the show's still going on or starting a new run with the various technological tricks of the trade added into the mix.
Also... Nice nod to the classic intro with the chorus girls (named in Kermie's Girl) and the chorus monsters who end up being their partners.

Love Billie's attitude... She wants to get away from her mother hen's smothering and explore everything. The touch of her scooped up onto her dad's shoulder made me smile at old self-memories.

More please?

 

[Slackbot]

Next part coming up fairly soon. I spent about a week revising & rewriting the outline because one idea occurred to me that crystallized the whole theme, which is good in that it'll make the whole story stronger, but it did slow things down. (It might tick some people off too; we'll see as the story unfolds.)

I'm drawing on memories of my niece and nephew for Billie. My nephew went into a stage that lasted for several years in which he was nicknamed "Destructo-Baby." I doubt Billie will ever get that bored, though, considering the household she's growing up in.

Does Scooter have a generally fan-accepted last name? "Grosse" occurred to me off the top of my head, but that's a fairly icky name for such a nice young man.

 

[The Count]

Well, yeah... We've sorta accepted it as Scooter Grosse or Scooter Hunt Grosse thanks to ReneeLouvier's Sadie's Stories.

 

[Slackbot]

Hmm. I guess if I have to use a last name it'll probably be Grosse. Oh well, by the time I'm through with him he'll have more on his mind than a sucky last name.

 

[Slackbot]

Masks, Part 2:
Go-Fer
by Kim McFarland​

*****

It was a warm and sunny day. It was a perfect day for being outside, picnicking, tossing a frisbee around, jogging, puttering in a garden, sunbathing, or any of dozens of other outdoor activities.

Unfortunately, Scooter was doing none of those things. The Muppet Show was about to go into production, and he was booking guest stars. The problem was not getting people; there were plenty of folks who wanted to be on the show. He and Kermit had winnowed the first batch and come up with a good, varied list of first-string stars from all areas of the media. The problem was scheduling. The TV deal had been finalized only a week before, and hardly anyone was available on such short notice, or so their agents said.

Scooter was worried. He'd been at it all day and had reached the end of the A-string list without a single nibble. Kermit was at the theater, and he had his own task load to manage, so Scooter looked through the second list, considering how likely it was that each one would be available. He made tick marks by several names, then picked up the phone for the next round.

Several phone calls later, Scooter was getting discouraged. He dialed another number and waited for an agent to pick up. "Hello, I'm Scooter Grosse with The Muppet Show. I'd like to speak to Mr. Hess's agent." After a pause, his eyes widened. "Mr. Hess? Oh, hi! No agent? That's fine, I don't have one either. I have you on a list of people interested in being on The Muppet Show. We've got an opening for the very first show, and you're the very first person I thought of. Can you come down next week? We're filming Friday through Monday." Pause. "Yes, seriously. We'll use a few of your songs, and the scripted bits will be simple. You can memorize them in minutes—though, I'll be honest, sometimes I think scripts are optional with this show." He laughed, then listened. "Great! I'll make the arrangements and call you back today!"

*

Later that day Scooter showed up at the theater and sought Kermit out. Kermit knew that Scooter had been wrestling with a tough task, and, noting his cheerful expression, asked hopefully, "Did you get a guest for next week?"

"Yep. I booked MC Frontalot. He's a hiphop rapper. Thought you'd like that."

"Hiphop. I get it. I've never heard of him, though."

Scooter feigned surprise. "Really? He's the world's 579th greatest rapper, or so his website says. He's really talented, really funny, and really the only one I could get for next week."

"Well, that's not what I was expecting, but great work, Scooter. Er... he will be suitable for the show, won't he?"

"Of course. I wouldn't book someone we'd have to bleep out," Scooter said while making a mental note to go over the lyrics of the songs they decided to use.

"Great. Thanks, Scooter." Kermit started to turn back to his own desk, which was piled high with paperwork, messages, other matters to be dealt with, and used sandwich plates and coffee mugs.

"One other thing, Boss-"

"Hmm?"

Scooter began, "I understand the camera setup, and I could do an okay job with it, but I can't do that and be stage manager at the same time."

Kermit nodded. They both knew that Scooter was critical as a stage manager; it wasn't a job that just anyone could do, particularly with this troupe. In fact, he was amazed that anyone was equal to the task. And, though the camera bank would record the action from many angles, static shots were boring. There was no substitute for a live cameraman—or woman, or creature, or whatever. "I don't know who I'd want running the cameras," he said.

"I had a thought about that too," Scooter said.

"Do tell."

"You know I'm taking theater arts at the college. I have a friend who's studying the tech stuff, and I bet he could do the job."

"Imagine that. Does he know anything about The Muppet Show? What we're like, as opposed to normal theater?"

"Sure! He's seen it a few times, but he's never met any of us besides me. He's a little shy. I've seen him film college productions, though. He's pretty good. He's in his senior year and all his classes are in the afternoon, so his evenings are clear. And he could get course credit for this job, since it's practical experience in his field of study. Sounds like a perfect match, huh?"

Scooter sure had thought this out, Kermit noted. "Well, bring him by next week and have him film some of the rehearsals."

"Will do!" Scooter scampered off.

Kermit turned back to his desk. To think that Scooter had originally been an annoying kid foisted on him by his uncle, who just happened to own the theater. Scooter had quickly found his niche, and by now he was indispensable. So much for what they said about first impressions, he thought.

*

Kermit had just had enough time to go through the myriad minutia that he had to deal with to get the show going—including in no small part the bills—when an enthusiastic, raspy voice said, "Kermit, I got some great ideas for ya!"

"Oh, really," Kermit said, looking up at Gonzo.

"Yeah! This'll really make 'em sit up and stare. It's a musical tribute to Eraserhead-"

Kermit held up his hands, cutting him short. "Whoa, whoa, Gonzo. Look, see all this on my desk? I've had a long day and it's nowhere near over. Do me a favor today and don't throw a bunch of dumb ideas at me. Just tell me about the act you really want to do."

Taken aback, Gonzo said, "Er... okay. Long story short, bungee cannon act."

"Bungee cannon?" Kermit repeated.

Seeing he had Kermit's interest, or at least perplexity, Gonzo said, "Yeah. Simple in concept, dynamic, and it won't damage the property. Plus, think of the 3-D effect! It's cutting edge!"

"You want to fire yourself out of a cannon while attached to bungee cords?" Kermit said in disbelief.

"Yeah!"

"Won't that ram you back into the cannon, or pull the cannon off the stage?"

Gonzo shook his head. "Nah, the cords won't be attached to the cannon. They'll be attached to the net behind the cannon. I'll go out above the audience, and before I hit the back wall they'll pull me back into the net."

"Which will be attached to the stage."

"Well, yeah, otherwise the net would fly out into the audience too. That'd be cool, but the insurance wouldn't cover it."

"You've been reading the insurance policy?" Kermit asked, surprised. "I thought you never paid attention to that."

"You kidding? Sometimes I get ideas by figuring out what it'll let me get away with! Anyhow, what do you say? It's safer than it looks because I can't possibly go off course, and it'll look really cool."

Kermit had his doubts concerning Gonzo's notion of safety, but this one really did seem to be well thought out. "Okay, Gonzo. When will it be ready?"

"I'm ready for the first show. Test fired it last night. I just need to make a bit of scenery."

"All right, I'll put you in."

"Great! Thanks, Kermit."

"And, uh, sorry I snapped at you, Gonzo. I've just been, er, a little frazzled lately."

Gonzo shrugged. "It's all right. It'll save me time thinking up dumb ideas."

"Oh, good. Say... what would you do if I okayed one of the dumb ideas?"

Gonzo grinned. "I'd yodel while riding a motorized pogo stick."

Kermit chuckled. "Figures. One thing, Gonzo—don't do too many cannon acts. You don't want to look like a one-trick pony."

"Yeah, I know. I've been researching some new ideas for my stunts. Stuff you won't believe!"

"Like what?"

Gonzo looked around dramatically, then leaned forward and said in a low voice, "In a word: electroplating."

Kermit stared, dumbfounded, at Gonzo. Gonzo said, "See, I told you you wouldn't believe it!"

"You're right, I don't."

"Just wait'll I show you!"

Gonzo went off happily, and Kermit turned back to his desk. What was Gonzo planning to do, bronze himself? Kermit knew better than to even guess. Resting his head in his hand, he muttered under his breath, "Sheesh."

*****

All characters except Damian Hess are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. Damian Hess, AKA MC Frontalot, is a real person and thus would be copyright © himself. His website is http://frontalot.com/ and you should totally visit it. All copyrighted properties (and real people) are used without permission but with much respect and affection. The overall story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

Heh... Good depiction of how the gang goes about booking a show's main guest star. Lots of little things that made me small-laugh. Thanks for posting this. More please.

 

[Slackbot]

Glad you liked it. This story's starting off small, but it'll get up to speed soon. You can think of these chapters as prologue material.

Has anyone here besides me has heard of MC Frontalot? His movie, Nerdcore Rising, is pretty nifty. And I'm not just saying that 'cause I make a cameo in it.

 

[Slackbot]

Slowly but slowly we're getting to the actual story...

Masks, Part 3:​

Setting the Tone​

by Kim McFarland​

*****

It had been a busy day backstage at the Muppet Theater, and it was going to get much busier. Today was the first day of their new show, which would be filmed for broadcast. As they would be performing the same show Friday through Sunday, they would have three shows on tape, so they could choose between the best acts to compile into a television episode.

Backstage, everyone was getting ready. The Muppets were comfortable with television and movies; the cameras didn't distract them, especially as they were camouflaged so as not to distract the theater audience. The only person who was intimidated was Janken, the new camera operator. He was a smallish, lavender-skinned creature with a dark purple puff of feathery hair, fur just slightly lighter covering his body, and a long, mouselike tail tipped with another brush of purple. With looks like that, he fit right in.

"You did fine during the rehearsals," Scooter told him as they stayed out of the way of fast-moving props and scenery backstage left. "Just keep it up. And always be ready for ad-libs. You'll soon get a feel for who's likely to go off script. Stay with it when that happens—some of our best bits have been ad-libs. Or goofs."

"Yeah," Janken replied. "It's just nerves. I still can't believe I'm working on The Muppet Show!"

"You'll believe it when they draft you into a skit," Scooter replied teasingly.

"No thanks. I'm happy back here."

"It takes all kinds," Scooter replied. He waited until Janken turned back to the control panel, then mussed Janken's hair. Janken yiped and swatted at him, but by that time Scooter had darted away, laughing.

Janken was a little surprised at how friendly everyone here was. They accepted him into the fold right off the bat. It didn't hurt that Scooter had given him tips on how to get along with certain people. Smile at Fozzie's jokes. Don't worry about Gonzo; whatever he's doing, it's probably normal for him. When Miss Piggy speaks, give her your full attention, or at least be darn sure she thinks that's what you're doing, and never speak French to her. And so on. At first it sounded fake, but when he saw Scooter in action he realized that it was just the best way to get along with everyone.

He had turned back to the bank and was practicing maneuvering one of the side cameras—he'd have to be fast with them for Gonzo's act—when he was startled by the sound of Miss Piggy's voice. "Hello, dear. Moi has a few teensy suggestions for vous."

He turned in his seat. "Sure, Miss Piggy," he said.

She laid a gloved hand on his shoulder. "This may be the first time you have worked with as big a star as moi, but do not be intimidated. We are all one big, happy family." She glanced back as Gonzo's cannon, pushed by Sweetums, rumbled heavily past. "With a few redheaded stepchildren," she added under her breath.

She remembered what she was there for, and continued, "Now, dear, there should be a camera following me at all times. After all, moi's publique will want to see my face. The one front and center will do."

Janken said, "Actually, Miss Piggy, I'll be following you with three cameras, one at the center and one on each side. That way, when you turn you won't necessarily turn away from the cameras."

"Oh, what a perfectly brilliant idea! Moi is sure you'll do very well here," she said, and gave him a hug from behind.

"Thanks, I'll do my best," he said, his voice a little strained from shortness of breath.

She released him and swept off toward Wardrobe. As he caught his breath he thought, most of the Muppets were different outside offstage. They dropped their masks. Miss Piggy, however, never seemed to step outside her stage persona. It was, he thought, as if her mask was glued on.

*

Kermit saw Scooter crossing to backstage right, and waved him down. "Where's the final script?"

"The master copy's been printed out," Scooter answered.

"I mean, where are everyone's copies?"

"We'll have it those soon. The copier repairman is due any minute," Scooter replied.

"The copier repairman?"

"Yeah. The copier's been on the fritz all week. I wrote you a note about that."

They both looked at the pile of paper on Kermit's desk. "Yeah," Kermit said.

"Don't worry. We'll get it fixed," Scooter told him.

Kermit shook his head. "I hope so. If we don't we won't have the foggiest idea what we're doing."

Scooter and Kermit exchanged glances. After a beat Kermit said, "You know what I mean."

*

Pops glanced up when the backstage door opened. A thin, bald man wearing thick glasses, a tie, and a pocket protector full of pens entered and looked around. Before Pops could speak Sam the Eagle intercepted him. "It's about time you got here! We have been waiting all day!"

The man said, "Sorry, I had a really hard time getting here."

"Bad traffic?" Pops said sympathetically.

"There weren't any cabs around, and I'm out of practice hitchhiking."

"Well, come with me," Sam said sternly. He guided the man to a superannuated photocopier, which looked as if it recently had suffered many indignities. It was leaking threads of smoke from somewhere within. A panel opened on the side and a half-dozen rats scurried out.

Rizzo looked up and told them, "We've been in there all day, but it's still not working."

"We cleared out a paper jam, though," another rat said.

"It's toasty warm in there. If you can't fix it, we can keep it as a condo," said a third.

"Shoo! Scat! We need to copy the script!" Sam said, waving the rats away.

"You haven't gotten the script copied yet?" the man asked.

"You see what we have to work with!" Sam griped. "Weirdos and vermin, all of them. I don't know why we even bothered with a script for this week's show, though."

"Why's that?" asked the man, who was cleaning a rat's nest out of the paper tray.

"This week's guest, sir! Of all things, he is a rapper! I can hardly believe the depths to which we have sunk. To think that once upon a time our stage was graced by such titans of the opera as Rudolf Nureyev, Jean-Pierre Rampal, and Rich Little! And now we are debasing ourselves with this... this hippety-hop hooligan!"

"Could you move a little?" asked the man, who was trying to open the panel behind Sam.

"Hmm?'" The eagle glanced back, then stepped away from the machine. The man pulled the panel open, then jumped back. Sam was not so alert, and thus was on the receiving end of the cloud of black toner that billowed out. When the air cleared again his blue feathers were blackened on the side closest to the machine.

Scooter came over and said to the bespectacled man, "Oh, you're here! Have you gotten your script yet?"

Sam, who had not moved a feather, said, "Why would this person need a script?"

"He's our guest star." Scooter looked Sam up and down and said, "Guess the copier's still having problems, huh?"

Sam stared at the man, then lowered his head and covered his eyes with one hand in an attitude of despair.

Scooter led MC Frontalot away, saying, "This isn't a big problem. I've got some draft scripts. They'll be close enough, and your main parts are your songs anyway. Let me show you to your dressing room. I've got some waivers for you to sign too."

*

Eventually Sam removed his hand from his face, revealing a black smear across his beak. He looked down at himself, then walked away from the copier, saying through a gritted beak, "Makeup!"

*****

All characters except Damian Hess are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. MC Frontalot is a real person and thus would be copyright © himself. His website is http://frontalot.com/ and you should totally visit it. All copyrighted properties (and real people) are used without permission but with much respect and affection. The overall story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

Ah... The infamous "yes, we have a title!" moment finally makes its presence known.
That's a joke from the MST3K episode featuring the movie I Accuse My Parents, which I use in almost every single movie or TV show I watch.

You've rully captured Piggy's persona perfectly (try saying that five times fast), shmoozing poor Janken to make sure her superstar centerstar ego's kept contented.

Sam thinking Rich Little as a dignified opera star... And his reaction at finding out who their guest star rully is... Classic.
More please?

BTW: Another DW question, would you consider Paddywhack from The Haunting of Mr. Banana Brain to be a poltergeist? If not, then what would you suggest to help visualize what a poltergeist's physical form should be like?