Welcome to the Muppet Central Forum!
Jim Henson Idea Man
Back to the Rock Season 2
Bear arrives on Disney+
Sam and Friends Book
Convincing John
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2003
- Messages
- 1,243
- Reaction score
- 195
"The Muppet Show" featuring Janis Joplin
(Shot of the twirling red green and blue bow with the ITC logo and fanfare)
(Scooter knocks on the door and peeks his head in)
Scooter: "Oh Janis! Janis Joplin! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Janis!"
(Janis is seated at the desk adjusting her large glasses. The dressing room is filled with tie-dyed banners. An incense burner is on the desk, sending up wisps of smoke.)
Janis: (grins) "Hey man, thanks!"
Scooter: "We should be thanking you! Not many guest stars are willing to work with a bunch of freaks!"
Janis: (grins and looks into the camera) "Hey, man, I'm used to it...I played at Woodstock!" (audience laughter)
(Zoom in on the Muppet Show logo's "O" with Kermit.)
Kermit: "It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Janis Joplin! Yaaaaaay!"
(Audience applause as the logo backdrop rises, revealing the arches. The theme begins as the Muppet Monsters dance and the camera cuts to Rowlf and Zoot's quick intro to the theme vocals).
Female creatures in arches: "It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights. It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight."
Male creatures in arches: "It's time to put on make-up. It's time to dress up right. It's time to get things started..."
Audience: "It's time to get things started."
Statler and Waldorf: "We hope they won't get started!"
Kermit: "It's time to get things started..."
Cast (as the camera pulls back to reveal all the arches): "On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational! This is what we call the Muppet Show!"
(Gonzo blows his trumpet and wavy, colorful peace symbols float out.)
(Audience applause as Kermit comes onstage wearing a tie-dyed poncho and John Lennon sunglasses.)
Kermit: "Thank you, thank you! Hi ho and welcome to the Muppet Show! Tonight we're turning back the clock to the time of Woodstock! We're going back to the time of hippies and (holds hand up, giving the peace sign) peace! Because tonight, we are proud to have with us that rock and roll singing sensation, Miss Janis Joplin!"
Audience: "Oooooh!"
Kermit: "Yes! But first, before we get to Janis, let's--"
(Sam suddenly appears from the left of the stage and stares down his beak at Kermit).
Sam: "Just WHAT do you think you're doing?"
Kermit: "Sam? I thought you went to conduct that seminar on Morales for Cultural Eagles."
Sam: (sighs angrily) "I was, but I had to cancel it when I found out that this week's show was going to be based on Woodstock! How shocking!"
Kermit: "Well..."
Sam: "I can-not just stand here and let you lowbrows do a show where you dress like stolen cars and just lollygag about!"
Floyd (from the orchestra pit): "Sounds good to me!"
Janice: "Fer sure!" (Audience and the rest of the band laughs).
Animal: "LOLL-EE-GAG! LOLL-EE-GAG! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
Sam: "Uh! I refuse to leave this stage until you agree to do something cultural!"
Kermit: "Well, we were going to play the 1812 Overture for the opening number."
Sam: "The 1812 Overture? Played the way it's supposed to be played?"
Kermit: "Note for note, Sam. Cross my heart."
Sam: "Well...hmmm..." (Sam's eyes shift back to Kermit as he walks just offstage)
Kermit: "Okay, then. To kick things off, we're going to start with a bang...(Crazy Harry peeks through the curtains, cackles and ducks back in again)...with the 1812 Overture..."
(Sam nods in approval from the edge of the stage)
Kermit: "...accompanied by our chorus line of specially-trained mud-sliding penguins! Yaaaay!" (Kermit waves his arms and goes offstage).
Sam: "WHAT?"
(The curtains part to reveal several cannons planted in a huge mud puddle that covers most of the stage. As the music plays, a line of penguins in hippie wigs and daisy chain headbands jump into the cannons. Crazy Harry fires each cannon, sending penguins sliding through the mud. More penguins in the background wave their flippers as they dance against a swirling colorful light show on the back wall of the stage. Soon, Crazy Harry is firing the cannons too fast for the music, sending muddy penguins out into the audience. Statler and Waldorf duck as a penguin flies into their box. The number ends with the audience applauding and a shot of a muddy, cross-eyed penguin in the fourth row slowly sitting up, then fainting).
BACKSTAGE:
(Kermit looks up from his schedule on the desk as the penguins waddle on past with muddy wings and some with singed wigs. A few of them shake the mud off, sending specks of mud flying everywhere.)
Kermit: "Very nice, penguins! Very...hey! Don't shake that mud on me!"
(As Crazy Harry comes backstage, one last penguin toddles dizzily past the camera).
Penguin: "Anyone got an aspirin?"
(Sam follows the penguins and Crazy Harry, pointing is wing in accusation).
Sam: "You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! ASHAMED!"
Kermit: "Well, Sam, we did play the 1812 Overture."
(Sam turns around with ruffled feathers and leaves in a huff. Kermit shakes his head and speaks into the intercom).
Kermit: "Miss Piggy onstage, please!" (Floyd walks casually by, watching the penguins waddle past him).
Miss Piggy: "Kermie, dear! Thank vous for letting moi do a musical number this week!"
Kermit: "Well, just wait until Beauregard cleans up..."
Miss Piggy: "Wait? Kermie dear, moi's public will not wait!"
Kermit: "But, but..."
(Piggy rushes onstage where Bo (who forgot to close the curtains) is just beginning to mop up the mud.)
Miss Piggy: "Here moi is...AAAAAAGGGH!" (Piggy slides face first through the mud, past Bo and into a mud pile he has pushed to the edge of the stage. The audience goes nuts).
Statler: "Hooray! Wonderful!"
Waldorf: "What are you cheering about?"
Statler: "That's the best performance that pig's ever done!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
BACKSTAGE:
Kermit: "Uh oh!" (worried face) "I better..."
Piggy: (from off screen) "WHERE'S THAT FROG???"
Floyd: "You better split, green stuff!"
(Kermit looks frantically around and sees a tie-dyed cloth draped over the prop trunks. Yanking the poncho over his head, he crouches in front of it, blending in).
(Piggy comes backstage, covered in mud)
Piggy: "WHERE'S THAT FROG???"
Floyd: (looks around) "Looks like he split."
Piggy: "I'll split HIM! Where'd he go?"
Floyd: "Hey, babe...(Piggy gives Floyd a dirty look)...I mean, uh, Piggy. Don't worry about it. Just do like the penguins...and chill."
Piggy: "What??"
Floyd: "Yeah, chill. It don't really matter anyway. Years from now, dudes'll remember you for what you did best anyway."
Piggy: "Oh..." (Piggy's voice softens somewhat) "You mean they will remember me for my unsurpassed talent?"
Floyd: "Mmm...no. They'll remember you for what all pigs do best...rollin' in the mud! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"
Piggy: "HIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" (Floyd goes tumbling down the stairs towards the backstage exit. Piggy storms up to her dressing room and slams the door).
(Kermit checks to see if the coast is clear, then stands up).
Kermit: "Whew! Good thing my cousin chameleons taught me that trick."
(The camera pans back as Janis Joplin, in bellbottoms, blouse and cape comes down the stairs).
Kermit: (to camera) "It's Janis Joplin!" (Audience applause)
Janis: "Hey, man!"
Kermit: "Janis! It's great to have you here!"
Janis: "Yeah, man!" (Janis looks around at the psychedelic decor) "You got this place looking’ good, man!"
(Sam enters)
Sam: "Uh! This place looks like an explosion happened in a paint factory!" (exits)
Janis: "What's with that dude?"
Kermit: "Oh, that's just Sam. He's always like that."
(Floyd makes his way back up the stairs as Bo enters with a muddy mop over his shoulder)
Bo: "All the mud is cleaned up, Mr. Kermit."
Kermit: "Hey, thanks, Bo. You ready for your number, Janis?"
Janis: "I'm always ready for 'em, man!" (laughs)
Kermit: "Wonderful!" (Janis exits to the stage as Kermit goes to the intercom) "Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem onstage, please!" (Kermit exits to the stage, followed by the band).
ONSTAGE:
Kermit: (In front of the red curtain) "And now, it's time for our very special guest star. She's played with Big Brother and the Holding Company, the Kozmic Blues Band and the Full Tilt Boogie Band. And now, here to perform with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, Miss Janis Joplin! Yaaaaaaay!!!"
(The curtain opens to reveal the band (plus Lips) set up on the "black box pyramid" set, as seen in the Cleo Laine, Dizzy Gillespie and Linda Lavin episodes).
(Janis sings "As Good As You've Been to this World", a song with plenty of solos for all the band members. To hear a clip of this song, go to this link and scroll down to the song samples).
As Good As You've Been To This World
(Audience applauds)
Statler: "Y'know, there's a Janis Joplin song that reminds me of my third wife."
Waldorf: "Oh yeah, what's that?"
Statler: "Ball and Chain!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
BACKSTAGE:
(Janis comes backstage, followed by the Electric Mayhem)
Kermit: "Janis, you were terrific!"
Janis: "Hey, thanks, Kermit," (pats Kermit on the head) "I'm glad you dug it, man!"
Dr. Teeth: "Hey, frog. Me and the band are going down to the canteen for some" (raises eyelids and looks into the camera) "sandwiches! Ha ha!" (the band laughs)
Animal: "PEA-NUT BUT-TER! PEA-NUT BUT-TER!"
(The door leading to the canteen has a sign reading "Tonight's special--Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches" *--this type of sandwich was a popular one at Woodstock).
(Janis laughs at Animal as he rushes by and she walks up the stairs to her dressing room. Kermit hops over to the intercom).
Kermit: "Okay, Pigs in Space! Pigs in Space onstage, please!"
PIGS IN SPACE
Announcer (Jerry Nelson, of course): "And now, PIIIIIGS IIIINNN SPAAAAACE! Starring the xenophobic Captain Link Hogthrob, the gallant First Mate, Miss Piggy, and the sequestered Dr. Julius Strangepork. When we last left our heroes, Dr. Strangepork was about to show Captain Hogthrob a new species of alien he has just discovered..."
(Dr. Strangepork has a medium-sized cage with a cloth over it on the Swinetrek console).
Hogthrob: "What is this new alien you have discovered, Doctor?"
Strangepork: "Vell, Captain, it'sh not like any other known alien shpeeshees." (Strangepork removes the cloth to reveal a medium-sized, brown, hairy lump).
Hogthrob (trembling): "Wha--what is it?"
Strangepork: "Oh, not to worry, Captain. It'sh very friendly. I jusht can't undershtand itsh language." (Strangepork opens the cage).
(First Mate Piggy enters)
First Mate Piggy: "Hey, have either one of you two knuckleheads seen my brown wig? Oh here it is." (First Mate Piggy approaches the hairy lump).
Hairy lump: "Hey, baby!" (First Mate Piggy jumps back in alarm)
First Mate Piggy: "AAAAGH!"
(The "wig" hops out of the cage, sprouts bare arms and puts a ring of daisies on its head).
Wig: "Chill, pig, babe. I'm just wantin' to groove. Up with people! Psych-ay-del-ic! Too much! Dig it, man, dig it!"
First Mate Piggy: "What's he saying?"
Wig: "Groovin'!" (The "wig" tosses a bunch of flower petals in the air . As he does, the 1970's version of Sesame Street's closing theme (with the chimes, saxophone and drum rolls) begins to play. The "wig" waves his "floppy-soggy" arms and sways to the music. A colorful light show reflects behind him on the Swinetrek's back wall).
Strangepork: "Thish ish weird."
Hogthrob: "Yeah, but" (looks around and shrugs) "it looks kinda fun!" (Hogthrob begins to dance) "C'mon, Strangepork, boogie down!"
Strangepork: "I'm right with you, Captain!" (both of them dance with the hairy creature).
First Mate Piggy: (covers face in embarrassment) "Oh, good grief..."
(The camera zooms out the "rear window" of the ship and out into space. The Swinetrek now has a multicolored paint job as it rockets through space).
Announcer: "Tune in again next week for another flower-powered episode of PIIIIIGS IIIIN SPAAAAAAAAAACE!!!"
MUPPET LABS:
Bunsen: "Hello, I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today."
Beaker: "Mee-meep."
Bunsen: "And what an exciting day it is here at the lab! Because we have here" (lifts a flask) "a new scientific breakthrough; Muppet Labs All-New, Portable, Lava Lamp Formula. Ever since the 1960's, hippies have enjoyed the snazzy glow from lava lamps. Show them, Beaker."
(Beaker turns on the lava lamp and gazes at it, impressed).
Beaker: "Oooh, mee-moh-me-mah."
Bunsen: "But the only place to see that colorful glow was inside the lava lamps. But with Muppet Labs All-New Lava Lamp Formula, you can make anything glow like a lava lamp!"
Beaker: "Oooh, mee-mee?"
Bunsen: "Anything!" (Walking over to Beaker) "Like my assistant Beaker, here."
Beaker: "MEEP?"
Bunsen: "Oh, stop it, Beakie! This won't hurt a bit." (Beaker does a double take and meeps skeptically).
(Bunsen dumps the formula all over Beaker. In a few seconds, all of Beaker (except his eyes) is covered with swirling, multicolored blobs of color).
Bunsen: "And the best part is, the effect isn't sadly temporary!"
Beaker: "MEEP??? MEEP! MEEP! MEEP! MEEEEEEEP!" (Beaker continues to change colors and meep in despair).
Bunsen: "That's all for now from Muppet Labs."
Kermit: (looking at the clipboard backstage) "Okay, next we have..." (Floyd enters)
Floyd: "Hey, green stuff. We got some bad news we gotta lay down on ya." (Zoot enters slowly, mopping his brow and looking a little weak. Kermit looks up).
Kermit: "What? What's wrong?"
Floyd: "It's Zoot, man. We don't think he can play in the closing number."
Kermit: "What? Why not? You played just fine in the last number, Zoot. You did great! What's wrong?"
Floyd: "Dude did fine in the last number, man, but the dude's had a cold past couple of days. Those last notes took a lot outta you, didn't they, man?"
Zoot: (sniffs, looking congested).
Floyd: "Look, green stuff. When you're axe is the sax, and if your wind can't blow, the sax won't go."
Kermit: "Oh, no! Are you sure you can't play, Zoot?"
Zoot: (Raises the saxophone to his lips, takes a deep breath, and blows. A low, gasping, off-key note honks weakly out. Kermit's face crumples up in worry).
Kermit: "Where are we gonna get a sax player for the end of the show?"
Floyd: "I don't know, man, but Zoot's gotta scoot to get better to toot."
Zoot: (nods)
Kermit: "Well, if you can't play during the closing number, do you think you can play your final note in the closing theme? The Muppet Show theme just isn't the same without it."
Zoot: (puts his knuckles to his forehead in a moment of concentration, then nods) "Yeah, man."
Kermit: "Okay, you can use dressing room 3. No one's using it this week. We'll try to find a doctor to make a house...er, theater call."
Floyd: "Hey, thanks green stuff. You're all right." (Floyd escorts Zoot upstairs).
Kermit: "Okay, next we have our musical number accompanied by Sweetums and Robin."
Scooter: (enters) "Hey chief! Remember that Robin's on that camping trip this weekend with the Frog Scouts."
Kermit: "Oh no! I completely forgot! Sweetums needs someone small and cute for the background parts of the number...oh where are we going to find someone small and cute at this late date?"
Scooter: "Well...Robin did have an understudy for this number but..."
Kermit: "But what? Just go get him! The number's going to start any minute!" (Scooter hurries up the stairs to one of the dressing rooms. Moments later, a piercing shriek echoes through the theater and sends chills down Kermit's spine. Kermit's coffee cup rattles across the desk as a hairy red blur of fur runs down the stairs).
Elmo: "ELMO GOING TO SING!!! ELMO GOING TO SING!!! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!"
Kermit: "Elmo??? YOU'RE Robin's understudy???"
Elmo: "That's right, green frog! Elmo going to be on the Muppet Show and sing and dance and be in everything!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Kermit: "We just need you for this one number, y'know."
Elmo: "Not for long, green frog! Soon Elmo be in ALL Muppet Show numbers! Just like how Elmo on Sesame Street ALL THE TIME! Elmo will be so happy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We can have 'Elmo's Hospital' and 'Elmo in Space' and 'Elmo on Patrol' and 'Elmo Labs' and Elmo can even sing the 'Muppet Show" song! Listen!" (Elmo puts a toy piano on Kermit's desk and begins to sing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"): "Mup--pet--Show, Mup--pet--Show, Mup--Mup--Mup--pet--Show...", (Elmo stops as Scooter rushes in).
Scooter: "Boss! The number's about to start!" (Kermit hops onstage as the camera zooms in on Elmo)
Elmo: "Don't worry everybody. Elmo will do good and make you just LOVE Elmo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" (Elmo follows Kermit).
(Kermit enters onto the stage in front of the closed red curtain). "And now for all of you fans of the 1960's and you true blue Muppet fanatics out there..." (a falsetto giggle is heard from behind the curtain and Kermit gulps) "...this next musical number's just for you! This is a tribute to a really swell time in history when one of the best pieces of Muppet merchandise ever was released. The song is a new rendition of one of Country Joe and the Fish's most beloved songs, performed by our own Muppet banjo trio. Let's give 'em a big hand, ladies and gentlemen! Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!"
(The curtain opens up, revealing the Muppet trio of Jim Henson, Jerry Nelson and Frank Oz with their instruments. Behind them is a painted warehouse set filled with Jim Henson figures stacked to the ceiling. Rows of telephones on counters are in front of them as a big sign hangs from the ceiling which reads "Operators Are Standing By". Sweetums, the Mutations, Timmy, Doglion and Thog are carrying big packages back and forth. Elmo waves frantically from one of the phones, trying to upstage the others. The band sings their own rendition of Country Joe and the Fish's "I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin-To-Die").
Jim Muppet:
"Yeah, Come on all you Muppet fans,
Palisades needs your help again.
Got themselves some PVC's
And they finished with Wave 3.
So go get Wave 3 and pick up a Jim!" (Jerry Muppet sings next line)
"Cause you just gotta have him!"
(Phones start ringing and Elmo begins taking orders)
Jim Muppet:
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (holds up Jim figure)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
Jerry Muppet:
"Well, come on Muppet fans, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta call up and get a Jim
With accessories that come with him
And you know that when Jim comes in the mail
It'll please you without fail!"
(Elmo answers phones, trying to take orders, but the phones are ringing too fast for him. Elmo rushes back and forth, nearing exhaustion as more and more phones ring).
Jim Muppet:
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (holds up Jim figure)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
Trio: "Huh!"
Jim Muppet:
"Well, come on Muppet fans, don't move slow,
Cause these figures really go!
And there's plenty more figures to be made
If we buy the ones ready now from Palisades
Just think one nifty day there just might be..."
(Beautiful Day Monster enters, wearing a poncho, John Lennon sunglasses and playing a banjo)
Beautiful Day Monster: "A figure that looks like ME!"
(Elmo shrieks in frustration as the phones ring off the hook during the chorus. Meanwhile the audience claps along).
Jim Muppet:
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (holds up Jim figure)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
Jerry Muppet:
"Well, come on fans throughout the land,
Get a Jim figure while you can.
Come on folks, don't hesitate,
Order now before it's too late.
Cause inside that Palisades mailer box
Is a figure that really rocks!"
(Doglion, Timmy, the Mutations, Thog and Beautiful Day Monster gather round the Muppet Jim, Jerry and Frank Oz to sing the final chorus. Sweetums peers over everyone else, right next to a row of the constantly ringing phones. Elmo pants, exhausted at the phone right beside Sweetums).
All (except Elmo):
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (all hold up Jim figures)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
(The audience goes wild as everyone takes a bow. Sweetums sits down to admire the new Jim Henson figure. A muffled "Urmf!" is heard and Sweetums stands up to see what he sat on. The camera shows a close-up shot of Elmo flat as a pancake on the seat of the chair).
Sweetums: "Ohhh, (shrugs) Sorry..." (Sweetums lumbers offstage as the rest of the musicians follow him. Beautiful Day Monster is last in line, just in time to answer a final ringing phone).
Beautiful Day Monster: "Hello? You want to order a what?...an Elmo? You must have the wrong numb...oh wait a minute. Maybe we can help you. How 'bout a Limited Edition Elmo bath mat? Sound good? Okay, we'll get it sent out to you right away." (Beautiful Day Monster hangs up the phone and shoulders his banjo. He peels Elmo up off the seat of the chair and calls to the offstage Sweetums).
Beautiful Day Monster: "Hey, Sweetums! Ya wanna mail this to Pittsburgh?" (Beautiful Day Monster flings Elmo like a Frisbee as the audience laughs and the curtain closes.)
Waldorf: "Hey, those singers sounded really good!"
Statler: "Yeah, all except Elmo, that is."
Waldorf: "Really?"
Statler: "Yeah! He was FLAT!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
NEWS FLASH:
"This is a Muppet News Flash!" (The Newsman rushes to his desk) "Dateline: Woodstock, 1969. Singer Janis Joplin was interviewed today and asked how she defined her music. Joplin told reporters 'My rock music is really heavy! REALLY heavy!' (The Newsman looks up at the audience) Now that doesn't make any sense..." (Just then a huge musical note made out of stone falls down on the Newsman). "AAARGH!"
BACKSTAGE:
Kermit: (calling into the intercom): "Okay, strike the News Flash set, please!" Just then, Floyd enters with a Muppet doctor. (the same one who examined the bars of gold in the Shirley Bassey episode).
Floyd: "Hey, green stuff. We got a doc to look at Zoot."
Doctor: "Yes, it's more than a cold, I'm afraid, but nothing that a little rest won't fix."
Kermit: "What's wrong?"
Doctor: "It appears that Zoot is overstressed."
Kermit: "What? Zoot? Overstressed??? How could Zoot be overstressed?"
Floyd: "He's been lookin' at Ebay, man. He keeps seein' his name pop up, and then the bids go all freaky!"
Doctor: "Yes, he complained of a reoccurring nightmare where he was wearing a red shirt, being sold for $300 and sealed in a padded envelope."
Floyd: (Blinks) "Freak city."
Doctor: "He said something about playing during the closing theme...he can do it, but I would advise you to keep him away from any stressful situations for a while."
Kermit: (mutters) "Or potential bidders."
Doctor: "Avoiding any loud, annoying noises would be helpful as well."
(Just then, Sweetums lumbers by, carrying the flattened Elmo (now bearing an address label and a stamp) under his arm. Sweetums's hand is securely over Elmo's mouth.)
Elmo: "Hmmmmmrrrpphh!"
Floyd: "We won't have to worry about that!" (laughs)
Kermit: "But don't we need a sax player for the closing number?"
Floyd: "Don't sweat it, green stuff. Me and the band's gonna talk to Janis and see what we can do. You just get on with the show." (exits)
Doctor: "Yes, and I'll take a look at that flattened monster you got." (exits).
UPSTAIRS DRESSING ROOM:
Janis Joplin is putting away her costume from the first number as someone knocks on the door.
Janis: "Come in, man." (Janice and Floyd enter with their guitars) "Hey, guys! What's goin' on?"
Janice: "Hey, Janis. We got a real bummer of a problem!"
Janis: "What's that?"
Floyd: "Our sax man's maxed out!"
Janice: "Rully! He's like totally maxed out! He's got one bummer of a cold."
Floyd: "But since the band's gotta play later, we're out a sax player. We're tryin' to figure out what to do. We had planned on playin' 'Summertime', but it's got a sax solo."
Janis: (Grins) "Summertime? Oh that's perfect, man! I can get someone who can fill in for Zoot's part. It won't be a sax solo, but man, it'll be really groovy! You just leave it to me, man."
Janice: "Like, who can you get to fill in for Zoot?"
Janis: "It's a surprise. But right now, we gotta think about that sax man of yours."
Floyd: "Yeah, the dude's gotta get some rest."
Janis: "And I know how we can help him...with a lullaby." (Floyd and Janice nod and pick up their guitars)
The dressing room's lights go down as a blue haze spreads over the background. Floyd plays a slow melody and Janice follows him. The blue light reflects of their guitars as Janis Joplin sings a slow, lilting version of "Little Girl Blue" only with changed lyrics:
"Sit there, hmm, count your sheep.
What else, what else is there to do?
Oh and I know how you feel,
I know you feel that you’re through.
Oh wah wah ah sit there, hmm, count,
Ah, count your little sheep,
My sleepy oh little boy, little boy blue, yeah.
(The scene now shows a superimposed image over Janis Floyd and Janice. It's of Zoot slowly dozing off as three Bossmen slowly circle around him, sprinkling sparkling blue sand).
Oh sit there, oh count those Sandmen
Oh, see ’em wanderin' round, oh honey all around you.
Honey don’t you know it’s time,
I feel it’s time,
Somebody told you ‘cause you got to know
That all you ever gonna have to count on
Or gonna wanna lean on
It’s gonna feel just like those Sandmen do
When they’re sprinklin' sand, all around you.
Oh, I know you’re drowsy.
Oh sit there, ah go on, go on
And count your sheep.
I don’t know what else, what else
Honey have you got to do.
And I know how you feel,
And I know you got a reason to zone out
And I know you feel that you must be through.
Oh honey, go on and lie right back down,
I want you to count, oh count your sheep,
Ah my sleepy, my drowsy
And my little, oh, boy blue.
I know you’re dozin',
Ooh ah, honey I know,
Baby I know just how you feel."
(Audience applauds)
To hear a clip of the original song, click on the following link and scroll down to the song clip:
Little Girl Blue
SWEDISH CHEF:
(Swedish Chef's kitchen set. The Swedish Chef is waving a wooden spoon in one hand and a whisk in the other).
"Onngesh, her der ber dee dinky doo,
Oongesh ber der bee der BORK BORK BORK!" (the Swedish Chef throws the utensils over his shoulder).
"Oongesh her de ber dee ger be pooofy soufflé." (The Swedish Chef pulls the lid off a dinner platter in front of him. On the platter is the flattened Elmo. The chef looks surprised).
"Woot? Erngesh no der be soufflé! Oongesh her be flip-flop flappada jack! Hmmm..." (the Chef scratches his head and then gets an idea.) "Ooh know! Erngesh er de ber de soufflé poofer!" (The Chef reaches under the counter and pulls up a large bicycle pump. He hooks one end up to Elmo's mouth and begins to pump it).
"Poofy poofy soooouuuuffle! Hmm hmm hmm hmmm..." (the Chef continues to pump until Elmo has inflated into a huge, red furry ball. His cheeks and eyes are bugging out. Finally, Elmo detaches from the pump and slowly floats away like a huge balloon. The Chef looks up, surprised).
"Oooorp!" (shrugs) "De poofy soufflé float eewee."
Statler: "It looks like the Swedish Chef has just pointed out the obvious."
Waldorf: "Really? How?"
Statler: "He showed us that Elmo's full of hot air!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
BACKSTAGE:
Kermit (calling into the intercom): "Okay, get the band onstage for the closing number!" (Floyd walks up to Kermit)
Floyd: "Hey, green stuff. We got someone to fill in for Zoot for the closing number."
Kermit: "Oh, that's good. Who'd you get?"
Floyd: "Oh, he's a dude who tried to be a guest on the show once..."
Kermit: "A sax player?"
Floyd: "No...no, not really." (The other band members pass by and Floyd gives Kermit a card) "Look, I gotta split for the stage. Here's the dude's name. Just read it, green stuff." (Floyd goes onstage)
Scooter: "Boss! It's time for the introduction!"
Kermit: "Okay! Oh, I hope this works."
CURTAIN:
Kermit: "Once again, it's time for our very special guest star, Janis Joplin. Accompanied by the Electric Mayhem and...(reads card and gets the "worried" look)...Angus McGonagle the Gargling Argyle Gargoyle? Eeesh! They will be singing 'Summertime.' * So here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Janis Joplin! Yaaaaay!"
(*"Summertime", is the very same song that Angus McGonagle gargled with Mark Hamill in the Star Wars episode)
(Janis is surrounded by the band as she sings an upbeat version of "Summertime". Angus McGonagle gargles along, and gets an extra "gargling solo" during the instrumental portion of the song. As the song plays, the audience members bounce the over-inflated Elmo around like a huge concert balloon).
CURTAIN:
Kermit: "Well, it looks like we've come down to the end of another one. But befooooore we go, let us give a warm thank you to our lovely and talented guest star, Miss Janis Joplin! Yaaaayyyy! Yeah!" (Kermit hops up and down as Janis comes onstage, surrounded by the Electric Mayhem, the Muppet Monsters, Angus McGonagle, the Jim Henson Country Trio and various hippie penguins).
Janis: "Hey, thanks man. I really had fun doin' the show."
Kermit: "Oh, good."
Janis: "I really liked that big concert balloon you had for the closing number, man."
Kermit: "Concert balloon?"
Janis: "Yeah! That furry, red one, man!"
Janice: "Like, yeah, it bounced around, then at the end of the song, it like, sprung a leak, and flew to the back of the audience. Like, where'd it go?" (everyone looks towards the back of the audience to see where the "balloon" went).
(The camera zooms in on Gorgon Heap, licking his fingers)
Gorgon Heap: "It was delicious!" (the audience laughs)
Kermit (gulps): "Well, I guess there's nothing left to say but 'We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show!"
(Janis Joplin laughs as the Muppet Monsters toss the hippie penguins in the air. The credits begin to roll).
CLOSING THEME: (the theme is the same used for the fourth season, with Lips having his trumpet solo. Zoot leans at the edge of the orchestra pit...but without his saxophone!)
Statler: "Finally! They did something decent on this show!"
Waldorf: "What's that?"
Statler: "They ended it!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!'
(The last few notes of the closing theme plays and the camera does a close up of Zoot with a tissue.)
Zoot: (Blowing his nose loudly) HONK!!!
Convincing John
(Shot of the twirling red green and blue bow with the ITC logo and fanfare)
(Scooter knocks on the door and peeks his head in)
Scooter: "Oh Janis! Janis Joplin! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Janis!"
(Janis is seated at the desk adjusting her large glasses. The dressing room is filled with tie-dyed banners. An incense burner is on the desk, sending up wisps of smoke.)
Janis: (grins) "Hey man, thanks!"
Scooter: "We should be thanking you! Not many guest stars are willing to work with a bunch of freaks!"
Janis: (grins and looks into the camera) "Hey, man, I'm used to it...I played at Woodstock!" (audience laughter)
(Zoom in on the Muppet Show logo's "O" with Kermit.)
Kermit: "It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Janis Joplin! Yaaaaaay!"
(Audience applause as the logo backdrop rises, revealing the arches. The theme begins as the Muppet Monsters dance and the camera cuts to Rowlf and Zoot's quick intro to the theme vocals).
Female creatures in arches: "It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights. It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight."
Male creatures in arches: "It's time to put on make-up. It's time to dress up right. It's time to get things started..."
Audience: "It's time to get things started."
Statler and Waldorf: "We hope they won't get started!"
Kermit: "It's time to get things started..."
Cast (as the camera pulls back to reveal all the arches): "On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational! This is what we call the Muppet Show!"
(Gonzo blows his trumpet and wavy, colorful peace symbols float out.)
(Audience applause as Kermit comes onstage wearing a tie-dyed poncho and John Lennon sunglasses.)
Kermit: "Thank you, thank you! Hi ho and welcome to the Muppet Show! Tonight we're turning back the clock to the time of Woodstock! We're going back to the time of hippies and (holds hand up, giving the peace sign) peace! Because tonight, we are proud to have with us that rock and roll singing sensation, Miss Janis Joplin!"
Audience: "Oooooh!"
Kermit: "Yes! But first, before we get to Janis, let's--"
(Sam suddenly appears from the left of the stage and stares down his beak at Kermit).
Sam: "Just WHAT do you think you're doing?"
Kermit: "Sam? I thought you went to conduct that seminar on Morales for Cultural Eagles."
Sam: (sighs angrily) "I was, but I had to cancel it when I found out that this week's show was going to be based on Woodstock! How shocking!"
Kermit: "Well..."
Sam: "I can-not just stand here and let you lowbrows do a show where you dress like stolen cars and just lollygag about!"
Floyd (from the orchestra pit): "Sounds good to me!"
Janice: "Fer sure!" (Audience and the rest of the band laughs).
Animal: "LOLL-EE-GAG! LOLL-EE-GAG! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
Sam: "Uh! I refuse to leave this stage until you agree to do something cultural!"
Kermit: "Well, we were going to play the 1812 Overture for the opening number."
Sam: "The 1812 Overture? Played the way it's supposed to be played?"
Kermit: "Note for note, Sam. Cross my heart."
Sam: "Well...hmmm..." (Sam's eyes shift back to Kermit as he walks just offstage)
Kermit: "Okay, then. To kick things off, we're going to start with a bang...(Crazy Harry peeks through the curtains, cackles and ducks back in again)...with the 1812 Overture..."
(Sam nods in approval from the edge of the stage)
Kermit: "...accompanied by our chorus line of specially-trained mud-sliding penguins! Yaaaay!" (Kermit waves his arms and goes offstage).
Sam: "WHAT?"
(The curtains part to reveal several cannons planted in a huge mud puddle that covers most of the stage. As the music plays, a line of penguins in hippie wigs and daisy chain headbands jump into the cannons. Crazy Harry fires each cannon, sending penguins sliding through the mud. More penguins in the background wave their flippers as they dance against a swirling colorful light show on the back wall of the stage. Soon, Crazy Harry is firing the cannons too fast for the music, sending muddy penguins out into the audience. Statler and Waldorf duck as a penguin flies into their box. The number ends with the audience applauding and a shot of a muddy, cross-eyed penguin in the fourth row slowly sitting up, then fainting).
BACKSTAGE:
(Kermit looks up from his schedule on the desk as the penguins waddle on past with muddy wings and some with singed wigs. A few of them shake the mud off, sending specks of mud flying everywhere.)
Kermit: "Very nice, penguins! Very...hey! Don't shake that mud on me!"
(As Crazy Harry comes backstage, one last penguin toddles dizzily past the camera).
Penguin: "Anyone got an aspirin?"
(Sam follows the penguins and Crazy Harry, pointing is wing in accusation).
Sam: "You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! ASHAMED!"
Kermit: "Well, Sam, we did play the 1812 Overture."
(Sam turns around with ruffled feathers and leaves in a huff. Kermit shakes his head and speaks into the intercom).
Kermit: "Miss Piggy onstage, please!" (Floyd walks casually by, watching the penguins waddle past him).
Miss Piggy: "Kermie, dear! Thank vous for letting moi do a musical number this week!"
Kermit: "Well, just wait until Beauregard cleans up..."
Miss Piggy: "Wait? Kermie dear, moi's public will not wait!"
Kermit: "But, but..."
(Piggy rushes onstage where Bo (who forgot to close the curtains) is just beginning to mop up the mud.)
Miss Piggy: "Here moi is...AAAAAAGGGH!" (Piggy slides face first through the mud, past Bo and into a mud pile he has pushed to the edge of the stage. The audience goes nuts).
Statler: "Hooray! Wonderful!"
Waldorf: "What are you cheering about?"
Statler: "That's the best performance that pig's ever done!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
BACKSTAGE:
Kermit: "Uh oh!" (worried face) "I better..."
Piggy: (from off screen) "WHERE'S THAT FROG???"
Floyd: "You better split, green stuff!"
(Kermit looks frantically around and sees a tie-dyed cloth draped over the prop trunks. Yanking the poncho over his head, he crouches in front of it, blending in).
(Piggy comes backstage, covered in mud)
Piggy: "WHERE'S THAT FROG???"
Floyd: (looks around) "Looks like he split."
Piggy: "I'll split HIM! Where'd he go?"
Floyd: "Hey, babe...(Piggy gives Floyd a dirty look)...I mean, uh, Piggy. Don't worry about it. Just do like the penguins...and chill."
Piggy: "What??"
Floyd: "Yeah, chill. It don't really matter anyway. Years from now, dudes'll remember you for what you did best anyway."
Piggy: "Oh..." (Piggy's voice softens somewhat) "You mean they will remember me for my unsurpassed talent?"
Floyd: "Mmm...no. They'll remember you for what all pigs do best...rollin' in the mud! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"
Piggy: "HIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" (Floyd goes tumbling down the stairs towards the backstage exit. Piggy storms up to her dressing room and slams the door).
(Kermit checks to see if the coast is clear, then stands up).
Kermit: "Whew! Good thing my cousin chameleons taught me that trick."
(The camera pans back as Janis Joplin, in bellbottoms, blouse and cape comes down the stairs).
Kermit: (to camera) "It's Janis Joplin!" (Audience applause)
Janis: "Hey, man!"
Kermit: "Janis! It's great to have you here!"
Janis: "Yeah, man!" (Janis looks around at the psychedelic decor) "You got this place looking’ good, man!"
(Sam enters)
Sam: "Uh! This place looks like an explosion happened in a paint factory!" (exits)
Janis: "What's with that dude?"
Kermit: "Oh, that's just Sam. He's always like that."
(Floyd makes his way back up the stairs as Bo enters with a muddy mop over his shoulder)
Bo: "All the mud is cleaned up, Mr. Kermit."
Kermit: "Hey, thanks, Bo. You ready for your number, Janis?"
Janis: "I'm always ready for 'em, man!" (laughs)
Kermit: "Wonderful!" (Janis exits to the stage as Kermit goes to the intercom) "Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem onstage, please!" (Kermit exits to the stage, followed by the band).
ONSTAGE:
Kermit: (In front of the red curtain) "And now, it's time for our very special guest star. She's played with Big Brother and the Holding Company, the Kozmic Blues Band and the Full Tilt Boogie Band. And now, here to perform with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, Miss Janis Joplin! Yaaaaaaay!!!"
(The curtain opens to reveal the band (plus Lips) set up on the "black box pyramid" set, as seen in the Cleo Laine, Dizzy Gillespie and Linda Lavin episodes).
(Janis sings "As Good As You've Been to this World", a song with plenty of solos for all the band members. To hear a clip of this song, go to this link and scroll down to the song samples).
As Good As You've Been To This World
(Audience applauds)
Statler: "Y'know, there's a Janis Joplin song that reminds me of my third wife."
Waldorf: "Oh yeah, what's that?"
Statler: "Ball and Chain!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
BACKSTAGE:
(Janis comes backstage, followed by the Electric Mayhem)
Kermit: "Janis, you were terrific!"
Janis: "Hey, thanks, Kermit," (pats Kermit on the head) "I'm glad you dug it, man!"
Dr. Teeth: "Hey, frog. Me and the band are going down to the canteen for some" (raises eyelids and looks into the camera) "sandwiches! Ha ha!" (the band laughs)
Animal: "PEA-NUT BUT-TER! PEA-NUT BUT-TER!"
(The door leading to the canteen has a sign reading "Tonight's special--Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches" *--this type of sandwich was a popular one at Woodstock).
(Janis laughs at Animal as he rushes by and she walks up the stairs to her dressing room. Kermit hops over to the intercom).
Kermit: "Okay, Pigs in Space! Pigs in Space onstage, please!"
PIGS IN SPACE
Announcer (Jerry Nelson, of course): "And now, PIIIIIGS IIIINNN SPAAAAACE! Starring the xenophobic Captain Link Hogthrob, the gallant First Mate, Miss Piggy, and the sequestered Dr. Julius Strangepork. When we last left our heroes, Dr. Strangepork was about to show Captain Hogthrob a new species of alien he has just discovered..."
(Dr. Strangepork has a medium-sized cage with a cloth over it on the Swinetrek console).
Hogthrob: "What is this new alien you have discovered, Doctor?"
Strangepork: "Vell, Captain, it'sh not like any other known alien shpeeshees." (Strangepork removes the cloth to reveal a medium-sized, brown, hairy lump).
Hogthrob (trembling): "Wha--what is it?"
Strangepork: "Oh, not to worry, Captain. It'sh very friendly. I jusht can't undershtand itsh language." (Strangepork opens the cage).
(First Mate Piggy enters)
First Mate Piggy: "Hey, have either one of you two knuckleheads seen my brown wig? Oh here it is." (First Mate Piggy approaches the hairy lump).
Hairy lump: "Hey, baby!" (First Mate Piggy jumps back in alarm)
First Mate Piggy: "AAAAGH!"
(The "wig" hops out of the cage, sprouts bare arms and puts a ring of daisies on its head).
Wig: "Chill, pig, babe. I'm just wantin' to groove. Up with people! Psych-ay-del-ic! Too much! Dig it, man, dig it!"
First Mate Piggy: "What's he saying?"
Wig: "Groovin'!" (The "wig" tosses a bunch of flower petals in the air . As he does, the 1970's version of Sesame Street's closing theme (with the chimes, saxophone and drum rolls) begins to play. The "wig" waves his "floppy-soggy" arms and sways to the music. A colorful light show reflects behind him on the Swinetrek's back wall).
Strangepork: "Thish ish weird."
Hogthrob: "Yeah, but" (looks around and shrugs) "it looks kinda fun!" (Hogthrob begins to dance) "C'mon, Strangepork, boogie down!"
Strangepork: "I'm right with you, Captain!" (both of them dance with the hairy creature).
First Mate Piggy: (covers face in embarrassment) "Oh, good grief..."
(The camera zooms out the "rear window" of the ship and out into space. The Swinetrek now has a multicolored paint job as it rockets through space).
Announcer: "Tune in again next week for another flower-powered episode of PIIIIIGS IIIIN SPAAAAAAAAAACE!!!"
MUPPET LABS:
Bunsen: "Hello, I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today."
Beaker: "Mee-meep."
Bunsen: "And what an exciting day it is here at the lab! Because we have here" (lifts a flask) "a new scientific breakthrough; Muppet Labs All-New, Portable, Lava Lamp Formula. Ever since the 1960's, hippies have enjoyed the snazzy glow from lava lamps. Show them, Beaker."
(Beaker turns on the lava lamp and gazes at it, impressed).
Beaker: "Oooh, mee-moh-me-mah."
Bunsen: "But the only place to see that colorful glow was inside the lava lamps. But with Muppet Labs All-New Lava Lamp Formula, you can make anything glow like a lava lamp!"
Beaker: "Oooh, mee-mee?"
Bunsen: "Anything!" (Walking over to Beaker) "Like my assistant Beaker, here."
Beaker: "MEEP?"
Bunsen: "Oh, stop it, Beakie! This won't hurt a bit." (Beaker does a double take and meeps skeptically).
(Bunsen dumps the formula all over Beaker. In a few seconds, all of Beaker (except his eyes) is covered with swirling, multicolored blobs of color).
Bunsen: "And the best part is, the effect isn't sadly temporary!"
Beaker: "MEEP??? MEEP! MEEP! MEEP! MEEEEEEEP!" (Beaker continues to change colors and meep in despair).
Bunsen: "That's all for now from Muppet Labs."
Kermit: (looking at the clipboard backstage) "Okay, next we have..." (Floyd enters)
Floyd: "Hey, green stuff. We got some bad news we gotta lay down on ya." (Zoot enters slowly, mopping his brow and looking a little weak. Kermit looks up).
Kermit: "What? What's wrong?"
Floyd: "It's Zoot, man. We don't think he can play in the closing number."
Kermit: "What? Why not? You played just fine in the last number, Zoot. You did great! What's wrong?"
Floyd: "Dude did fine in the last number, man, but the dude's had a cold past couple of days. Those last notes took a lot outta you, didn't they, man?"
Zoot: (sniffs, looking congested).
Floyd: "Look, green stuff. When you're axe is the sax, and if your wind can't blow, the sax won't go."
Kermit: "Oh, no! Are you sure you can't play, Zoot?"
Zoot: (Raises the saxophone to his lips, takes a deep breath, and blows. A low, gasping, off-key note honks weakly out. Kermit's face crumples up in worry).
Kermit: "Where are we gonna get a sax player for the end of the show?"
Floyd: "I don't know, man, but Zoot's gotta scoot to get better to toot."
Zoot: (nods)
Kermit: "Well, if you can't play during the closing number, do you think you can play your final note in the closing theme? The Muppet Show theme just isn't the same without it."
Zoot: (puts his knuckles to his forehead in a moment of concentration, then nods) "Yeah, man."
Kermit: "Okay, you can use dressing room 3. No one's using it this week. We'll try to find a doctor to make a house...er, theater call."
Floyd: "Hey, thanks green stuff. You're all right." (Floyd escorts Zoot upstairs).
Kermit: "Okay, next we have our musical number accompanied by Sweetums and Robin."
Scooter: (enters) "Hey chief! Remember that Robin's on that camping trip this weekend with the Frog Scouts."
Kermit: "Oh no! I completely forgot! Sweetums needs someone small and cute for the background parts of the number...oh where are we going to find someone small and cute at this late date?"
Scooter: "Well...Robin did have an understudy for this number but..."
Kermit: "But what? Just go get him! The number's going to start any minute!" (Scooter hurries up the stairs to one of the dressing rooms. Moments later, a piercing shriek echoes through the theater and sends chills down Kermit's spine. Kermit's coffee cup rattles across the desk as a hairy red blur of fur runs down the stairs).
Elmo: "ELMO GOING TO SING!!! ELMO GOING TO SING!!! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!"
Kermit: "Elmo??? YOU'RE Robin's understudy???"
Elmo: "That's right, green frog! Elmo going to be on the Muppet Show and sing and dance and be in everything!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Kermit: "We just need you for this one number, y'know."
Elmo: "Not for long, green frog! Soon Elmo be in ALL Muppet Show numbers! Just like how Elmo on Sesame Street ALL THE TIME! Elmo will be so happy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We can have 'Elmo's Hospital' and 'Elmo in Space' and 'Elmo on Patrol' and 'Elmo Labs' and Elmo can even sing the 'Muppet Show" song! Listen!" (Elmo puts a toy piano on Kermit's desk and begins to sing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"): "Mup--pet--Show, Mup--pet--Show, Mup--Mup--Mup--pet--Show...", (Elmo stops as Scooter rushes in).
Scooter: "Boss! The number's about to start!" (Kermit hops onstage as the camera zooms in on Elmo)
Elmo: "Don't worry everybody. Elmo will do good and make you just LOVE Elmo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" (Elmo follows Kermit).
(Kermit enters onto the stage in front of the closed red curtain). "And now for all of you fans of the 1960's and you true blue Muppet fanatics out there..." (a falsetto giggle is heard from behind the curtain and Kermit gulps) "...this next musical number's just for you! This is a tribute to a really swell time in history when one of the best pieces of Muppet merchandise ever was released. The song is a new rendition of one of Country Joe and the Fish's most beloved songs, performed by our own Muppet banjo trio. Let's give 'em a big hand, ladies and gentlemen! Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!"
(The curtain opens up, revealing the Muppet trio of Jim Henson, Jerry Nelson and Frank Oz with their instruments. Behind them is a painted warehouse set filled with Jim Henson figures stacked to the ceiling. Rows of telephones on counters are in front of them as a big sign hangs from the ceiling which reads "Operators Are Standing By". Sweetums, the Mutations, Timmy, Doglion and Thog are carrying big packages back and forth. Elmo waves frantically from one of the phones, trying to upstage the others. The band sings their own rendition of Country Joe and the Fish's "I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin-To-Die").
Jim Muppet:
"Yeah, Come on all you Muppet fans,
Palisades needs your help again.
Got themselves some PVC's
And they finished with Wave 3.
So go get Wave 3 and pick up a Jim!" (Jerry Muppet sings next line)
"Cause you just gotta have him!"
(Phones start ringing and Elmo begins taking orders)
Jim Muppet:
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (holds up Jim figure)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
Jerry Muppet:
"Well, come on Muppet fans, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta call up and get a Jim
With accessories that come with him
And you know that when Jim comes in the mail
It'll please you without fail!"
(Elmo answers phones, trying to take orders, but the phones are ringing too fast for him. Elmo rushes back and forth, nearing exhaustion as more and more phones ring).
Jim Muppet:
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (holds up Jim figure)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
Trio: "Huh!"
Jim Muppet:
"Well, come on Muppet fans, don't move slow,
Cause these figures really go!
And there's plenty more figures to be made
If we buy the ones ready now from Palisades
Just think one nifty day there just might be..."
(Beautiful Day Monster enters, wearing a poncho, John Lennon sunglasses and playing a banjo)
Beautiful Day Monster: "A figure that looks like ME!"
(Elmo shrieks in frustration as the phones ring off the hook during the chorus. Meanwhile the audience claps along).
Jim Muppet:
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (holds up Jim figure)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
Jerry Muppet:
"Well, come on fans throughout the land,
Get a Jim figure while you can.
Come on folks, don't hesitate,
Order now before it's too late.
Cause inside that Palisades mailer box
Is a figure that really rocks!"
(Doglion, Timmy, the Mutations, Thog and Beautiful Day Monster gather round the Muppet Jim, Jerry and Frank Oz to sing the final chorus. Sweetums peers over everyone else, right next to a row of the constantly ringing phones. Elmo pants, exhausted at the phone right beside Sweetums).
All (except Elmo):
"So order one, two, three,
Why not order some more?
Call us up as fast as you can (all hold up Jim figures)
And order this little man!
And order five, six, seven
Open up your pocketbooks,
Well, when you order 'bout eight or nine,
Whoopee! You can make a Jim conga line!"
(The audience goes wild as everyone takes a bow. Sweetums sits down to admire the new Jim Henson figure. A muffled "Urmf!" is heard and Sweetums stands up to see what he sat on. The camera shows a close-up shot of Elmo flat as a pancake on the seat of the chair).
Sweetums: "Ohhh, (shrugs) Sorry..." (Sweetums lumbers offstage as the rest of the musicians follow him. Beautiful Day Monster is last in line, just in time to answer a final ringing phone).
Beautiful Day Monster: "Hello? You want to order a what?...an Elmo? You must have the wrong numb...oh wait a minute. Maybe we can help you. How 'bout a Limited Edition Elmo bath mat? Sound good? Okay, we'll get it sent out to you right away." (Beautiful Day Monster hangs up the phone and shoulders his banjo. He peels Elmo up off the seat of the chair and calls to the offstage Sweetums).
Beautiful Day Monster: "Hey, Sweetums! Ya wanna mail this to Pittsburgh?" (Beautiful Day Monster flings Elmo like a Frisbee as the audience laughs and the curtain closes.)
Waldorf: "Hey, those singers sounded really good!"
Statler: "Yeah, all except Elmo, that is."
Waldorf: "Really?"
Statler: "Yeah! He was FLAT!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
NEWS FLASH:
"This is a Muppet News Flash!" (The Newsman rushes to his desk) "Dateline: Woodstock, 1969. Singer Janis Joplin was interviewed today and asked how she defined her music. Joplin told reporters 'My rock music is really heavy! REALLY heavy!' (The Newsman looks up at the audience) Now that doesn't make any sense..." (Just then a huge musical note made out of stone falls down on the Newsman). "AAARGH!"
BACKSTAGE:
Kermit: (calling into the intercom): "Okay, strike the News Flash set, please!" Just then, Floyd enters with a Muppet doctor. (the same one who examined the bars of gold in the Shirley Bassey episode).
Floyd: "Hey, green stuff. We got a doc to look at Zoot."
Doctor: "Yes, it's more than a cold, I'm afraid, but nothing that a little rest won't fix."
Kermit: "What's wrong?"
Doctor: "It appears that Zoot is overstressed."
Kermit: "What? Zoot? Overstressed??? How could Zoot be overstressed?"
Floyd: "He's been lookin' at Ebay, man. He keeps seein' his name pop up, and then the bids go all freaky!"
Doctor: "Yes, he complained of a reoccurring nightmare where he was wearing a red shirt, being sold for $300 and sealed in a padded envelope."
Floyd: (Blinks) "Freak city."
Doctor: "He said something about playing during the closing theme...he can do it, but I would advise you to keep him away from any stressful situations for a while."
Kermit: (mutters) "Or potential bidders."
Doctor: "Avoiding any loud, annoying noises would be helpful as well."
(Just then, Sweetums lumbers by, carrying the flattened Elmo (now bearing an address label and a stamp) under his arm. Sweetums's hand is securely over Elmo's mouth.)
Elmo: "Hmmmmmrrrpphh!"
Floyd: "We won't have to worry about that!" (laughs)
Kermit: "But don't we need a sax player for the closing number?"
Floyd: "Don't sweat it, green stuff. Me and the band's gonna talk to Janis and see what we can do. You just get on with the show." (exits)
Doctor: "Yes, and I'll take a look at that flattened monster you got." (exits).
UPSTAIRS DRESSING ROOM:
Janis Joplin is putting away her costume from the first number as someone knocks on the door.
Janis: "Come in, man." (Janice and Floyd enter with their guitars) "Hey, guys! What's goin' on?"
Janice: "Hey, Janis. We got a real bummer of a problem!"
Janis: "What's that?"
Floyd: "Our sax man's maxed out!"
Janice: "Rully! He's like totally maxed out! He's got one bummer of a cold."
Floyd: "But since the band's gotta play later, we're out a sax player. We're tryin' to figure out what to do. We had planned on playin' 'Summertime', but it's got a sax solo."
Janis: (Grins) "Summertime? Oh that's perfect, man! I can get someone who can fill in for Zoot's part. It won't be a sax solo, but man, it'll be really groovy! You just leave it to me, man."
Janice: "Like, who can you get to fill in for Zoot?"
Janis: "It's a surprise. But right now, we gotta think about that sax man of yours."
Floyd: "Yeah, the dude's gotta get some rest."
Janis: "And I know how we can help him...with a lullaby." (Floyd and Janice nod and pick up their guitars)
The dressing room's lights go down as a blue haze spreads over the background. Floyd plays a slow melody and Janice follows him. The blue light reflects of their guitars as Janis Joplin sings a slow, lilting version of "Little Girl Blue" only with changed lyrics:
"Sit there, hmm, count your sheep.
What else, what else is there to do?
Oh and I know how you feel,
I know you feel that you’re through.
Oh wah wah ah sit there, hmm, count,
Ah, count your little sheep,
My sleepy oh little boy, little boy blue, yeah.
(The scene now shows a superimposed image over Janis Floyd and Janice. It's of Zoot slowly dozing off as three Bossmen slowly circle around him, sprinkling sparkling blue sand).
Oh sit there, oh count those Sandmen
Oh, see ’em wanderin' round, oh honey all around you.
Honey don’t you know it’s time,
I feel it’s time,
Somebody told you ‘cause you got to know
That all you ever gonna have to count on
Or gonna wanna lean on
It’s gonna feel just like those Sandmen do
When they’re sprinklin' sand, all around you.
Oh, I know you’re drowsy.
Oh sit there, ah go on, go on
And count your sheep.
I don’t know what else, what else
Honey have you got to do.
And I know how you feel,
And I know you got a reason to zone out
And I know you feel that you must be through.
Oh honey, go on and lie right back down,
I want you to count, oh count your sheep,
Ah my sleepy, my drowsy
And my little, oh, boy blue.
I know you’re dozin',
Ooh ah, honey I know,
Baby I know just how you feel."
(Audience applauds)
To hear a clip of the original song, click on the following link and scroll down to the song clip:
Little Girl Blue
SWEDISH CHEF:
(Swedish Chef's kitchen set. The Swedish Chef is waving a wooden spoon in one hand and a whisk in the other).
"Onngesh, her der ber dee dinky doo,
Oongesh ber der bee der BORK BORK BORK!" (the Swedish Chef throws the utensils over his shoulder).
"Oongesh her de ber dee ger be pooofy soufflé." (The Swedish Chef pulls the lid off a dinner platter in front of him. On the platter is the flattened Elmo. The chef looks surprised).
"Woot? Erngesh no der be soufflé! Oongesh her be flip-flop flappada jack! Hmmm..." (the Chef scratches his head and then gets an idea.) "Ooh know! Erngesh er de ber de soufflé poofer!" (The Chef reaches under the counter and pulls up a large bicycle pump. He hooks one end up to Elmo's mouth and begins to pump it).
"Poofy poofy soooouuuuffle! Hmm hmm hmm hmmm..." (the Chef continues to pump until Elmo has inflated into a huge, red furry ball. His cheeks and eyes are bugging out. Finally, Elmo detaches from the pump and slowly floats away like a huge balloon. The Chef looks up, surprised).
"Oooorp!" (shrugs) "De poofy soufflé float eewee."
Statler: "It looks like the Swedish Chef has just pointed out the obvious."
Waldorf: "Really? How?"
Statler: "He showed us that Elmo's full of hot air!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
BACKSTAGE:
Kermit (calling into the intercom): "Okay, get the band onstage for the closing number!" (Floyd walks up to Kermit)
Floyd: "Hey, green stuff. We got someone to fill in for Zoot for the closing number."
Kermit: "Oh, that's good. Who'd you get?"
Floyd: "Oh, he's a dude who tried to be a guest on the show once..."
Kermit: "A sax player?"
Floyd: "No...no, not really." (The other band members pass by and Floyd gives Kermit a card) "Look, I gotta split for the stage. Here's the dude's name. Just read it, green stuff." (Floyd goes onstage)
Scooter: "Boss! It's time for the introduction!"
Kermit: "Okay! Oh, I hope this works."
CURTAIN:
Kermit: "Once again, it's time for our very special guest star, Janis Joplin. Accompanied by the Electric Mayhem and...(reads card and gets the "worried" look)...Angus McGonagle the Gargling Argyle Gargoyle? Eeesh! They will be singing 'Summertime.' * So here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Janis Joplin! Yaaaaay!"
(*"Summertime", is the very same song that Angus McGonagle gargled with Mark Hamill in the Star Wars episode)
(Janis is surrounded by the band as she sings an upbeat version of "Summertime". Angus McGonagle gargles along, and gets an extra "gargling solo" during the instrumental portion of the song. As the song plays, the audience members bounce the over-inflated Elmo around like a huge concert balloon).
CURTAIN:
Kermit: "Well, it looks like we've come down to the end of another one. But befooooore we go, let us give a warm thank you to our lovely and talented guest star, Miss Janis Joplin! Yaaaayyyy! Yeah!" (Kermit hops up and down as Janis comes onstage, surrounded by the Electric Mayhem, the Muppet Monsters, Angus McGonagle, the Jim Henson Country Trio and various hippie penguins).
Janis: "Hey, thanks man. I really had fun doin' the show."
Kermit: "Oh, good."
Janis: "I really liked that big concert balloon you had for the closing number, man."
Kermit: "Concert balloon?"
Janis: "Yeah! That furry, red one, man!"
Janice: "Like, yeah, it bounced around, then at the end of the song, it like, sprung a leak, and flew to the back of the audience. Like, where'd it go?" (everyone looks towards the back of the audience to see where the "balloon" went).
(The camera zooms in on Gorgon Heap, licking his fingers)
Gorgon Heap: "It was delicious!" (the audience laughs)
Kermit (gulps): "Well, I guess there's nothing left to say but 'We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show!"
(Janis Joplin laughs as the Muppet Monsters toss the hippie penguins in the air. The credits begin to roll).
CLOSING THEME: (the theme is the same used for the fourth season, with Lips having his trumpet solo. Zoot leans at the edge of the orchestra pit...but without his saxophone!)
Statler: "Finally! They did something decent on this show!"
Waldorf: "What's that?"
Statler: "They ended it!"
Both: "Doh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!'
(The last few notes of the closing theme plays and the camera does a close up of Zoot with a tissue.)
Zoot: (Blowing his nose loudly) HONK!!!
Convincing John
