[Insert relevent quip here], it's:
FROGNAPPED
Part 9
Bobo stands at the open trunk of the rental car, shuffling through the items in the back and mumbling to himself. He throws several items, including a model airplane, a telephone, a rubber duck (wink, wink), a Fraggle Rock lunchbox, a lacey pillow, a snow globe and Ms. Anderson’s taxidermy dog, over his shoulders. He stops to examine what appears to be a large metal pen with a blue light on the end. While fiddling with it, the light turns on accompanied by a high-pitched whining noise. With a shout he drops it back in the trunk and blinks the spots out of his eyes.
CUT TO
The form of Steve stands behind the curtains that cover the walls and frame the ‘IN’ and ‘OUT’ doors for the kitchen. As one of the waiters heads back for the ‘IN’ door he is unceremoniously yanked behind the curtain. The curtains do an energetic dance, reflecting the mayhem going on behind them. A patron on his way back from the bathroom notices the bulge and moves the curtain aside, revealing Steve slipping on the unconscious waiter’s pants. They stare at each other for a few moments.
STEVE
Uh…(POWERFULLY) Pay no attention
to that man behind the curtain!
Steve yanks the curtain away from the patron, who wanders off in slight disbelief.
CUT TO
Bobo is halfway across the parking lot from the car, pulling out a long section of large rubber tubing. After he liberates it from the trunk, he tosses it in an unfeasibly large pile of things at the side of the lot. Items now include, an old TV set, a desk lamp, a boom box, a ship in a bottle, a large teddy bear with a missing arm, a pot of gold, a mini fridge, a complete hamster’s habitat, a large trash can, several random rats and a moose!
MOOSE
(AS JOHN WAYNE)
Has anyone seen a duck ‘round these parts?
Bobo is oblivious to the moose’s presence and lumbers back to the trunk.
BOBO
(ECHOING)
Let’s see…where is it? (CHUCKLES) Echo! Echo!
Why are there so many, songs about rainbows?
CUT TO
Kermit and Piggy sit at their table. Piggy is enjoying her lasagna and Kermit is picking at a calzone with his fork.
PIGGY
Kermie, why aren’t you eating? Is something wrong?
KERMIT
Yes, they forgot to hold the olives.
Kermit holds up his fork, revealing a whole black olive stuck on the end of it.
PIGGY
I thought you liked olives.
KERMIT
I do. Just not paired with grasshoppers
and green peppers.
Unbeknownst to Kermit and Piggy, Steve slinks along the back wall, trying to get to the exit. A patron and her dining partners stop him in his tracks.
PATRON #2
Excuse me, waiter! I told them
to hold the cheese on this.
She shoves a plate of a cheese-smothered something at him.
PATRON #3
And I told them no eggs!
He stacks an omelet on top of the cheese thing.
PATRON #4
There’s a fly in my soup!
PATRON #5
This wine tastes like potatoes!
PATRON #2
I’ve changed my mind. I’ll have the lasagna.
PATRON #4
Ooh! Me too!
PATRON #3
I’d like another omelet! No eggs this time!
PATRON #5
I’d like to see a dessert menu.
PATRON #4
The rest of us haven’t even had our entrees!
PARTON #2
On second thought, I’ll have a calzone
with sausage and green peppers.
PATRON #3
That sounds good! I’ll have one, too!
Steve becomes more and more frazzled as the patrons’ complaints and demands mount. He finally throws the plate of cheese thing and omelet on the ground, drawing the attention of the entire restaurant.
STEVE
(SHOUTING)
I don’t have to put up with this, you know!
I went to college! I have a Master’s Degree in physics!
He pulls off his apron, wads it up and drops it in Patron #4’s soup bowl.
STEVE
AND I QUIT!
Steve storms out the doors. A few people applaud him, the rest are dumbfounded.
CUT TO
The trunk of the car is still hanging wide open, but Bobo is nowhere in sight. Steve rushes out of the front doors and up to the car.
STEVE
Bobo! Bobo, where are you?
BOBO
(O.S. ECHOING)
In here!
Bobo pokes his head out of the trunk. He is wearing a lighted miner’s helmet and looking through an old leather wallet.
BOBO
Hey, do you happen to know a Jimmy Hoffa?
Steve slaps the wallet out of Bobo’s hands.
STEVE
Never mind that! Did you find the sign?
BOBO
Uhh…no. But I did find fifty-five
cents and a breath mint!
Bobo breathes in Steve’s face.
STEVE
(FLATLY)
Yum…minty.
BOBO
I also found this.
Bobo holds up a clacking pair of wooden teeth. Steve swats it away.
STEVE
Enough with the gags! We need the sign!
BOBO
Well, okay.
Bobo dives back into the trunk. There comes the sound of whirring a DING and the sound of an elevator opening. A shocked Steve leans into the trunk of the car.
STEVE
(ECHOING)
Wow! Talk about trunk space.
NEXT TIME: We finally get to the point! Or do we? Do we? I don't know.