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The Life Of A Frig
Chapter 1: Conception
Chapter 1: Conception
Setting: A small apartment in New York City. Kermit and Piggy have been married for several years and Piggy is expressing a desire for children.
“But why can’t we have kids,” asked Piggy
“Come on, Piggy, we’ve tried several times,” replied Kermit. “The doctors told you when we got married that it was unlikely that we would ever produce a child, or if that child would survive.”
“But don’t you want your line to continue?” asked Piggy.
“I want a child just as much as you do, but as you can see, it hasn’t happened yet,” said Kermit.
“Well there has to be some way,” said Piggy. Suddenly she looked at her watch, “I’m late for my appointment with my hairdresser, I’m sure vous will think of something, Kermie, dear.”
“Yeah,” said Kermit.
After Piggy left, Kermit mulled over the changes that had occurred in his life since his marriage to Piggy. Piggy had wanted him to get a more stable career, so he had left acting for advertising. Gonzo had left the stuntman business and become a pop psychologist of sorts, constantly urging people to get in touch with their “inner weirdness.” Janice had left The Electric Mayhem to become a nurse. The band itself was on some world tour somewhere. Rowlf had left his piano behind and was now a doctor working with Janice. Fozzie was working as a waiter at a restaurant. In fact, the only member of the gang who had kept her former job and even she was considering becoming a mother and a homemaker. Even his nephew, Robin was talking about becoming a biology teacher when he grew up. Several reunion shows had been planned, but never materialized. Maybe it was time for a kid, but how. The idea of a child was good, but impractical, but then again, so were a lot of other ideas he had had.
He turned on his computer and answered his e-mails. None of them were that interesting. Then he saw one from one of his friends back during his Sesame Street days. It started off with “This is the 1,234,567th e-mail I’ve written.” Clearly The Count had too much time on his hands. He read on. The Count told Kermit about how things were back on the street, about how some people had stayed and others had moved on, and about the new people that had moved in, including a purple fruit-bat based monster from Mexico, a young fairy tale in training, and little red guy who had this annoying habit of always speaking of himself in the third person.
Maybe The Count would have something to say about his dilemma, after all, the man was 12,345,678,910 years old, and had not 1 but 2, count them 2 girlfriends. Quickly, he clicked away at the keys. Almost as soon as he hit the send button, The Count e-mailed him back with a reply. “This is the 2,345,678th e-mail I’ve sent.” Yes, clearly too much time on his hands. “I have never been asked before for marriage advice before, but your problem reminds me of something Cookie Monster once said, ‘Some days you eat the cookie, and other days… you eat the cookie’ In other words, have the child no better yet have 2, no 3, no 4, 4 wonderful children. Ha Ha Ha.”
The Count was right. It was time for Kermit to have a child, the only question now was how to guarantee that the next time he and Miss Piggy exchanged bodily fluids it would result in a solid child that would survive into adulthood. He decided to call Rowlf for advice.
“Like, Doctor’s Office,” said Janice when she picked up the phone.
“Hi Janice, could you make an appointment for Piggy and me.”
“Like what’s the problem, Kerm,” said Janice.
“I want to have a child with Piggy,” said Kermit.
“Like sure, and I want to get back with the band, not gonna
happen,” replied Janice.
“I know what the doctors say, but Piggy wants one and I’ve decided I want one too,” said Kermit.
“Okay, I think I can pencil you and the pig in for next Tuesday at 4:30,” said Janice.
“Good,” said Kermit, and hung up.
Later that evening Piggy came home and Kermit told her everything.
“So what is Rowlf gonna recommend this time?” said Piggy.
“I don’t know, Piggy,” said Kermit.
“Well we’ll have to see,” said Piggy
The day of the appointment couldn’t arrive soon enough. Piggy had decided that in order to ensure that whatever Dr. Rowlf had in mind was going to work, she and Kermit were going to suspend relations until the day of the appointment. Kermit had agreed to it, albeit rather reluctantly. Actually, it wasn’t that hard when he considered that the appointment was only about a week away. At the same time Kermit was wondering just what type of life would emerge should Miss Piggy produce a child. Frogs like himself were known for having as many as 70-odd eggs from which would emerge tadpoles which would eventually grow and change into frogs. Pigs on the other hand usually bore no more than six piglets to a litter and these were born live with little outward changes other than an increase in size observable during the growth period.
These two radically different lifestyles made him wonder just what this child would look like and how it would live.
Finally, the day came and Piggy and Kermit arrived in Dr. Rowlf’s office.
“Unions such as yours have to be handled very delicately,” said Rowlf. “As I told you when you got married a child was unlikely.”
“You said unlikely, not impossible,” said Piggy.
“Yes, well stranger things have been witnessed said Rowlf. “Take Gonzo for instance, I just delivered an egg from his girlfriend Camilla and I never thought that that would be possible given the recent revelation that Gonzo isn’t even from this planet.”
Kermit remembered the cute photo of a blue egg that he had received last Christmas and wondered just what would emerge when it hatched. At least both Gonzo and Camilla were birds as had recently been determined by Gonzo himself by communication with some relatives from his home planet, as for Piggy and himself, he was an amphibian, and Piggy was well, a pig.
“Well, if Buzzard-Beak can have a baby then so can I.” said Piggy.
“Well, according to the reports from back when you two got married, both of you are capable of producing, the question is just whether or not you are compatible.” said Rowlf.
“Hey, I can compat with the best of ’em,” said Piggy, “and I’m sure my Kermie can too, can’t vous.”
“Uhh, yeah,” said Kermit, wondering if “compat” was even a word.
“The problem is, Piggy, that you and Kermit are so different that your body would reject an embryo of this kind in its initial stage,” said Rowlf.
“What do you mean by “initial stage?” said Kermit.
“The very beginning,” said Rowlf. “However, if we were to artificially implant the embryo in her after the first month, it would probably survive.”
“I’ll take it,” said Piggy.
“Good,” said Rowlf. “I’ll make an appointment with the hospital so we can extract the egg from you.” He turned to Kermit, “You will have it a lot easier of course, but it would be ideal for you to both be there on the same day.”
“You make the appointment, he’ll be there.” said Piggy, looking at Kermit in a way that said that he better be there or else.
“Good,” said Rowlf, he reached into his desk and pulled out a stack of forms. “These are the forms that you have to fill out in order to be prepped for surgery, Piggy, you can fill them out while I call the hospital.”
Piggy looked at the pile of processed tree carcasses in front of her, “You expect Moi to fill out all these forms?”
“Yes, and on top of that, you can’t eat for eight hours before the surgery.” said Rowlf.
“Do you have a pen?” asked Piggy.
Rowlf handed her one and then picked up the phone while Piggy proceeded to fill out the forms.
About two hours later the forms were all filled out and Piggy and Kermit had an appointment for next Wednesday at the hospital.
“So Kermit are you ready to provide us with a sperm sample?” said Rowlf as he and Piggy entered the hospital on the morning of their procedures.
“Yes,” said Kermit.
“Here, Kermie-poo this may help you,” said Piggy handing him a “Pigtoria’s Secret” catalogue. “I’m on every page.”
“In that case, you may be needing this,” said Rowlf, handing him a copy of “Playfrog.” “All the girls are of your own species.”
“Hi-Yaa!” said Piggy, hitting Rowlf over the head with her catalogue.
“I don’t need either,” said Kermit, “the memories of our last time together will suffice.”
“That’s my frog, always the romantic,” said Piggy.
“Actually I think it’s more his own safety he has in mind,” said Rowlf as Kermit went into the room and closed the door behind him. “Now as for you, Piggy,” he continued, “I’d like to introduce you to the two anesthesiologists who will be keeping you sedated during the procedure. Meet Dr. Marvin Suggs and Dr. Sam the Eagle.”
“I will hit you over the head with this big hammer,” said Dr. Suggs. “It is the same one I use on the Muppaphone.”
“After he hits you, I will read to you from the works of J. Alfred Prufrock, a rather boring poet. The combination of these two things should put you to sleep.” said Sam.
“Before we administer the anesthetic, I’d like to do a final examination of the patient,” said Rowlf, he instructed Miss Piggy to undress.
“Hmm,” said Rowlf looking Miss Piggy over. He listened to Piggy’s chest with his stethoscope. He felt around her midsection, “Have you and Kermit engaged in marital relations during the time between our last appointment and this one?”
“Well, there was one time when we broke down.” said Piggy.
“I see,” he gave Miss Piggy a small plastic cup. “We may not need the operation after all.”
“You mean,” said Piggy.
“Yes, you might be pregnant,” said Rowlf, “of course we need to do a test to be sure,” he pointed Miss Piggy in the direction of the bathroom.
As soon as Piggy went into the bathroom Rowlf told Sam to get Kermit from the other room.
“Is there a problem?” said Kermit as he came in.
“We’ll know in a few minutes,” said Rowlf, “apparently you and Miss Piggy couldn’t wait.”
“Hey, it was her idea,” said Kermit. “Come to think of it so was this whole marriage. In fact, this entire relationship has been her idea.”
“Well she might be pregnant,” said Rowlf.
“She is here,” said Piggy returning from the bathroom with the cup in her hand.
Rowlf took the cup from Miss Piggy and pushed a button on the intercom on his desk, “Janice, would you get Bean in here, we need to do a test.”
“Again,” said Janice, “That’s the third time this month,”
“Yeah,” said Rowlf, “it looks like every time I say a couple can’t get pregnant on their own, they go and prove me wrong.”
A few seconds later an extremely cute rabbit hopped into the office.
“Bean could you test this urine sample for me,” said Rowlf.
“Okay,” said Bean, but I’m running out of relatives.”
“How many times have I told you to use the stick?” said Rowlf, he turned to Piggy. “When did you and Kermit do it?”
“Three days ago,” said Piggy.
“Maybe your body won’t reject it,” said Rowlf, “we’ll have to watch closely though.”
A few minutes later, Bean came back into the office looking very
sad, “My cousin died,” he said.
“I thought I told you to use the stick,” said Rowlf.
“No, I did,” said Bean, “Miss Piggy is pregnant, my cousin has
been sick for the past six months. I just got both pieces of news at the same time.”
“Oh, sorry,” he turned to Piggy and Kermit. “Congratulations, you
have exceeded all my expectations and you now have some
expectations of your own.”
LOL @ Robin's choice of career.
