The Digit Code (a Flick Fic)

[The Count]

Dunno... Maybe as a cameo at MuppetCentral? Unless you're gonna have Vicki there already. Maybe in some future scene where Robin and Sir David have to follow a clue into or near a Fragglehole opening?

 

[RedPiggy]

Oh, you're assuming that was a question. It wasn't. I already know where she is, LOL. And Vicki's gonna be there. Can't really have Digit without Vicki. My Flick Fic universe assumes Disney is pretty much the only stuff allowed, which is why I've left out things like Labyrinth and Fraggle Rock (except for background references). It kills me to avoid things like what's under the Sesame Workshop and Henson banners, but I'm trying to write this universe as if the legal silliness really did just delete those worlds from consideration.

 

[RedPiggy]

[Tushingham, Waldo, and Robin approach the more open center of the Control Room. Digit is listening to his earpiece and pacing around the room, oblivious to the arrivals. He speaks in various voices as he quotes various sources.]

Tushingham (shocked at seeing Digit): You! You revolutionized the teaching of ancient history!

Robin (confused): He did?

Digit (in Spooner’s voice from I, Robot): You know, somehow “I told you so” just doesn’t quite say it.

Tushingham and Robin (look at each other)

Digit (pounding on the keyboard angrily, then turns around as text appears holographically above his head and he speaks with no audio, as he is quoting Maria from Metropolis, a silent film): “There can be no understanding between the hand and the brain unless the heart acts as mediator.”

Tushingham (raises a hand): I’m terribly sorry, but are you going to be insane the entire time or simply temporarily, because young Robin and I can go to the vending machines and go get a snack if you need time to act rationally.

Digit (stops and stares at Tushingham, using Malcolm’s voice from Jurassic Park): The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me.

Robin (to himself): And the sad thing is, you make the staff at the Muppet Theater look normal.

Digit (scoffs, then points at Robin in irritation as he uses Susanna’s voice from Girl, Interrupted): No one cares if you die, Lisa, because you're dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic.

Waldo: Uh, yeah, I’m gonna go get some help. Be right back! *leaves*

Digit (to Tushingham, using Ian McKellan’s voice from The Da Vinci Code): But first, a test of honor. Three questions.

Tushingham (exasperated): Now you’re just padding the script!

[Vicki appears with Waldo, rushing in and observing Digit, who starts mumbling incoherently, sparks flying out of his neck.]

Vicki (surprised): I am so sorry! *adjusts her glasses and reaches over to Digit’s chest and pushes a button, turning him off and making him slump with his eyes closed* There. Any more and we’d probably have to start paying for the rights for some of these quotes. *checks all the buttons and jacks around Digit* Hm. Let’s see – alright, the language circuit hasn’t been tripped. That leaves the, uh, um, oral motor. *pushes a button on Digit’s chest*

Digit (his mouth clenched tightly shut, his eyes still closed, using Tin Man’s mumbled voice from Wizard of Oz): Oil can!

Vicki (sighs, shaking her head): Ever since that stupid solar flare has been hitting this planet, I’ve been trying to fix Digit’s glitches 24/7!

Robin: You mean he’s a robot?

Vicki (still tinkering with Digit): Technically, he’s a cyborg. He has some sort of backstory which eludes me at the moment. *grunts* This kind of thing takes a lot of concentration, you see. The last time someone distracted me an’ Lindbergh, Digit thought he was that robot from Lost in Space and started going around quoting General Grievous.

Robin: But that guy is from the Star Wars prequels.

Vicki (nods): But when Digit glitches, he doesn’t always make a lot of sense. *a spark flies out as she jumps back and Digit awakens with his normal voice*

Digit (spots Vicki first, smiling): Vicki! How nice of you to see me! It’s been so long.

Vicki (nods, shrugging): It’s okay Digit. It’s currently Friday. We get paid Monday. Oh, and you were working on grabbing those screenshots from the Betelguese star system. *leaves with Waldo*

Digit (noticing Tushingham): Well, Sir David Tushingham! What a welcome surprise! When did you get in?

Robin: Um, just now. Dr. Honeydew sent us to see you.

Digit (happily): Dr. Bunsen Honeydew sent you to see me? *chuckles* He’s always sending folks my way. He thinks that just because I spend nearly all my time in front of the computer, I’m some kind of recluse. I can talk to anyone in the entire world – nay, the entire universe! So, what brings you and the little tadpole here to Muppet Central? Did Kermit try to pencil in a sketch about the evils of television again? He really should be more open to the wonders of technology.

Robin (sadly): He … he died. I saw his cold, still body myself on the theater floor.

Digit (pauses, hanging his head, nodding briefly): A fine producer. Kermit was always the engine for the great fire truck that was the Muppets.

Robin (sniffles, nodding while he gives Digit the pictures): My Uncle Kermit … he … he wanted me to interpret these. We tried Muppet Labs but something happened and Dr. Honeydew couldn’t give us any answers.

Digit (livens up at the pictures): Oh, glorious day! Is it finally that time in which to induct young Robin into the secret of the Muppets? *jabs a finger in Tushingham’s abdomen* You’re writing a book, aren’t you? I’d take notes. *whispers to Robin, putting an arm around him* Shh, it’s a secret … we’re puppets.

Robin (scoffs, pulling away): That’s just a rumor! We’re as real as anyone else in Hollywood!

Digit (scoffs and turns to a computer nearby): Don’t act like you’ve never heard it before! I watched all the behind-the-scenes videos! *types and pulls up a video, Making Muppets, with a young Jim Henson in a brown long-sleeved shirt, standing behind a blue desk in front of a blue background* This will tell you everything you need to know. *presses a button to make the video play*

Jim (on the monitor): Hello there, my name is Jim Henson, and I’m a puppeteer. I’m called a puppeteer because I work with puppets.

Rowlf (peeks over the desk)

Jim: Now puppets are things that have been with us for, oh, hundreds, even thousands of years --.

Rowlf (stands up straight): Uh … wh-what’s this about puppets?

Jim (glances at Rowlf): What do you mean, Rowlf?

Rowlf (stares at the camera): I mean, what’s a puppet?

Jim: Well, you know what a puppet is. You’re a puppet.

Rowlf (double-takes, putting his hand on his mouth): Argh! Ugh! Why, I don’t, I mean I mean I … I’ve never been so insulted in my entire life! *storms off camera*

Digit (elbows Robin): See?

Robin (seems deflated)

Tushingham (both astounded and confused): Are you really saying that the Muppets are really just figments of our imagination?

Robin (angrily): I don’t care what you two say! I have just as much free will as anyone else! It’s bad enough I have to be treated like a little kid over at the Theater … why would I even consider not even being real? *gets within inches of Digit* I mean, if we’re just puppets, then where are these elusive puppeteers, huh? How come it seems puppeteers only exist as cameos or in special footage? How do I know those documentaries aren’t faked? I mean, that guy in Forrest Gump didn’t really have his legs blown off! It was all done with computers! I say those documentaries are just video composites!

Digit (shaking his head, tsk-tsking Robin): I can understand why you’d have a psychological need to just accept the human propaganda that we’re really alive. If we don’t feel alive, we can’t convince ourselves to enjoy it!

Tushingham: But what about talking dinosaurs?

Digit (shrugs): Oh, they’re real. Only an idiot would think that was faked. I mean, they even have realistic eyes and skin! *to Robin* The puppeteers are all part of a secret society that knows the truth about Muppets. They call themselves the Pupa Condita Vir Stipes.

Tushingham and Robin: Huh?

Digit (shows them larger images of Robin’s pictures): You see the baby doll? That means “doll”. The knives reference “making”. The Thinker statue references “man” and the club sandwich just means “club”.

Robin (sits down as though dizzy): Now we’re not just puppets, we’re dolls? What are these puppeteers, two years old?

Tushingham (cautiously): The Doll-Making Man Club. I’d heard rumors, but it all seems so clear now.

Robin: About as clear as mud.

Digit (nods): Yes, Sir Tushingham, The Doll-Making Man Club has for millennia deluded the general public into thinking bits of wood and felt and foam are just normal, everyday inhabitants of the real world. Real life isn’t all that terribly interesting for humans, so they create us to liven things up. *clicks a few buttons and an animated segment appears on a monitor behind him, showing what Digit describes* Ancient Homo sapiens celebrated their appearance in history by systematically murdering all other humanoid species. After they had done so, they were so racked with guilt that they started making up lifeforms in the hopes of fixing their mistakes. The ancient Greeks had the god Hephaestus who regularly had robots running around. The ancient Egyptians staffed their temples with automatons. Ancient China developed a full animatronic orchestra. And of course, who can forget the phenomenal Leonardo Da Vinci, who studied the human form precisely to create life from inanimate metal and wood.

Tushingham (nods thoughtfully): Even the first Biblical murderer, Cain, becomes the ancestor of various technological groups after killing his brother.

Digit (nods): Exactly. It references the desire to create life after destroying it. While it is usually cast as a pathetic attempt to be like gods, human psychology demands restitution for all acts of destruction. It isn’t sad – it’s the best they can do. We offer a hope that humanity fails to see otherwise. Psychologists use dolls and puppets to help traumatized children open up. We are safe. We are friendly. We heal mental wounds. *to Robin* You shouldn’t be so insulted. You are a vital aspect of human life.

Robin (still distressed): So … the drawing of the hand behind Uncle Kermit’s body ….

Digit: It is the key to the rest of the symbols. *pushes a button on his chest and sings with Count von Count’s voice* So many things your hands can do!

Robin: I think I’m gonna throw up. You could give me the “birds and the bees” speech and I wouldn’t be as traumatized. *groans*

Tushingham: But young Robin has a point, Digit. Look around: there are no humans anywhere around aside from myself. Where are the puppeteers?

Digit: Hidden.

Tushingham: Hidden? Where? How? Your theory sounds all well and good, but the evidence doesn’t really seem to bear any of it out.

Digit (disgusted): Kermit practically spelled it out for everyone, don’t you humans ever pay attention? He said, “life’s like a movie”. Our entire way of life is just one big multimedia show. *points to monitors around the room* Once you’ve seen shows and movies from all across the universe, you realize that the “life as tv show” metaphor really isn’t a metaphor. It was once said that all of our actions are written in the Book of Life. But what if that book were made into a movie? That is what we are!

Tushingham (sighs, shaking his head): I’m sorry. I just can’t believe in invisible cameramen and directors staging all aspects of our life.

Robin (shrugs): Now you know how I feel.

Digit (shrugs): Look, if you guys don’t believe me, why not head on over to London? All of the clues I’ve been amassing throughout all my life point to London as the super secret location of the truth about life itself.

Robin: But if it’s super secret, how do you know about it?

Digit (chuckles): Nothing escapes my attention, little Robin. I can monitor the entire universe from this control room. Waldo can hack you some airline tickets, if you wish. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some footage to record. *turns to the monitors and starts typing*

Robin (starts to walk away)

Tushingham (following): Why are you so afraid of finding out the truth? Wouldn’t it be a relief to know what you really are?

Robin (stops and looks up): You are a janitor who likes to pretend you have even the remotest prayer of ever becoming a successful paleontologist – and you’re lecturing me about adjusting to reality? *lowers and shakes head* No, I positively refuse to believe I’m just some glove with eyes for some weirdo human with no life. There has to be more to life than just that.

Tushingham (tenderly): Are you going to London, then?

Robin (shrugs): Might as well. There’s no point in staying in New York anymore.

Tushingham: What about your parents? I mean, Kermit was your uncle, not your father. Where are they?

Robin (sighs): I was kicked out of the Florida swamp when I tried to modernize it with air conditioning and bug zappers. My family accused me of destroying the very fabric of their existence. They only really show up now for weddings or funerals.

[Fade-out.]

 

[The Count]

Brilliant! Oh, it all makes sense now. The hand of chalk, the hand of power.
Thank you for this funny addition... Cool to have Digit interacting with others of his own clan.
"We get paid on Monday." We do? I missed my check from yesterday! *Rushes off to get mah money! Oh, and more please!

 

[RedPiggy]

Yes. As of right now, Waldo is the butler of McKellan's, while Digit is McKellan. I think the amusing thing to me is just how plausible this conspiracy is, LOL. Sorry writing has been kind of spotty. What sounded good during the note-taking phase doesn't sound so vital when I actually start fleshing out the dialogue. A scene that parodied Silas invading Teabing's mansion was cut, as I think I've pretty much gone through as much as I can get out of Gonzo for now.

 

[The Count]

Mmm... Sounds good to me. Rully liked the last scene as it reminded me on a whole of the episode The Secrets of the Muppets from JHH.
There's a funny revelation about Gonzo in that episode when he thinks the special is about revealing the Muppets' personal secrets instead.

 

[RedPiggy]

Yeah, LOL. I truly do despise writing the breaking the fourth wall thing about the Muppets being puppets. I don't even like writing cameos of the puppeteers. I like writing as though they're all real. That's really why this story has taken so long to delve into. I had to make sure I'd enjoy the actual point.

 

[The Count]

Mmm, I can understand that. Perhaps the best use of Muppeteers in a fic in a similar capacity I would suggest would be Muppet Newsgirl's A Little Knight Music. That and maybe the latter two books from ReneeLouvier's Sadie's Stories, but I'm a bit froggy, er foggy on those. I do remember that her seventh and final installment was a crossover with Back to the Future though.
At any rate, I do appreciate the effort you're putting into the story, it's great to read and I'm always impressed with people who can write mystery-type stories.

 

[RedPiggy]

[Rather than fade-in, the scene abruptly reappears, with Waldo flying toward Robin and Tushingham.]

Waldo: Hey, wait up, guys … aren’t you going to London?

Robin (nods): Yeah, I figure the boat trip will take about a week or two.

Waldo (shakes head): Oh, that’s no good at all! No traveling should be done without a nifty upbeat song.

Tushingham: I don’t … sing, actually.

Waldo (shrugs): Never too late to start. Even if you suck royally, you can still become famous on reality television!

Robin: So, you’re thinking video montage?

Waldo (nods excitedly): But with even a week’s worth of footage, a boat trip is still kinda dull. I’m going to help you zip on over there in no time!

Tushingham: How?

Waldo (morphs into a zipper): Why, in a zip file, of course!

[Waldo starts to sing to the tune of Rockin’ Robin as they digitize into a monitor. They appear in the new spiffy ENCOM system, where TRON lives.]

Waldo (buzzing various Tron-like characters): Must be nice to see your fanbase strong, Muppet Central’s only wanted our own throng. The frog has fanservice with Rhapsody, but market us and you will surely see …. *they form an electric current and pop out of one monitor and into another, this time the Forbidden Palace in the Mulan level of Kingdom Hearts 2* Rockin’ Robin, ain’t you sweet! Rockin’ Robin, you can’t be beat! Robin, inherit the Theater and get our air time!

Robin (narrowly avoiding getting trampled by Chinese soldiers, claps his hands and they teleport instantly to a path in Central Park, inserted into the scene where Piggy is chasing the purse-snatcher in Muppets Take Manhattan, and sings, shaking his head): I really can’t believe you’d put this on me, not my fault you made advertisers flee! Appreciate your help, Waldo, but there’s more to life than ratings, though! I’m just Robin, weird creature! I’m just Robin, 80s feature! I just want to discover the secret they killed him for!

[Waldo and Robin freeze the scene and stare expectantly at Tushingham, who waits a second before sighing and rolling his eyes. They fall through the path and end up just outside the dark exterior of the Mallory Gallery from The Great Muppet Caper, with the Muppets in funny noses at the gate.]

Tushingham (looks around and sings): Pretty little raven at the bird-band stand ….

Waldo (shaking his head, singing curtly): Make up your own lyrics or it will be bland!

Tushingham (singing incredulously): I’m not great at improvisation, you know!

Robin and Waldo (shrugging, as the Dobermans persue): Use your A-game, or those dogs will have our toes! *both scream and Waldo quickly flips the background scene to the park scene where Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie plop into the pond in Great Muppet Caper*

Tushingham: Ha! *continues singing* Waldo, you don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t think our characters are growing.

Robin (nods to Waldo, singing): Waldo, hopping through all these clips ain’t great! We need real London, set the record straight!

Waldo (nods, singing): You’re right, Robin! I’m a fool! Okay, Robin, I’ll make it cool! Robin, I’ll put us all where we need to be right away! *turns into a large cartoon white gloved hand and snaps his fingers, and they appear just outside the London apartment complex that used to be the Jim Henson Creature Shop as the song ends* How’s this?

[The scene cuts back to Muppet Central, as Digit walks through the monitor-lined corridor to find Vicki, who is dedicated to using a Wii in a baseball game.]

Digit: Vicki, have you seen Waldo?

Vicki (swings the Wiimote without looking at Digit): Uh, I think he’s doing his electronic transfer musical montage thing, Digit.

Digit (watches her for a moment): You are a really good virtual athlete, you know? Most humans swing that thing right out of their hands.

Vicki (presses a button, pausing the game, smiling at Digit and showing him the Wiimote): I guess it’s a good thing it’s sewed onto my hand for this scene, huh?

Digit (smiles): You know, out of all the Muppets I thought would have a hard time with the truth about our existence, you seem to take it all in stride. I remember when you weren’t so thrilled.

Vicki (shrugs and goes back to the game): It’s amazing how a few decades can change a woman, Digit. *jumps up and down* Yes! Home run! *does a little victory dance, even cartwheeling*

Digit (stares at her blankly): Uh, wow. You really took that mandatory health class to heart, didn’t you?

Vicki (stops and acts embarrassed): Oh, yeah, right. *clears throat* Well, I’m all about being the best I can be, right? I mean, we shouldn’t slack off just because we’re not human. *offers the Wiimote to Digit* Wanna play?

Digit (shakes his head and puts her hand down tenderly): I was thinking of a nice romantic London vacation. We’ve been cooped up in this studio for far too long.

Vicki (blushes slightly): Digit … with all the talk about the Monitor killing off Muppets --.

Digit (hushes her): Shh. Don’t concern yourself about that.

Vicki (pulls away): But --!

Digit (shakes his head): There isn’t anything to worry about, Vicki! All the unpleasantness will be over soon!

Vicki (concerned): I – I don’t like how you – how you said that!

Digit: Why are you acting so strangely? Let’s just go to London and have some fun!

Vicki: Robin and Tushingham went to London, didn’t they? You are seriously planning on stopping them from learning the secret of the Muppets!

Digit (chuckles): What secret – the one I already told them? If I wanted to hide the truth, why would I bother telling them? Why would I send them across the Atlantic just to mess with them?

Vicki: Digit – you’re the guy who thinks Bejeweled is some sort of secret commodities investment tip.

Digit (offended): I’ll be proven right one day – you’ll see!

Gonzo (walks in): Hey, guys … you seen Robin? I was pretty sure he came this way.

Vicki: Hi, Gonzo! Scooter’s not still mad about me getting the Assistant job here at Muppet Central, is he?

Gonzo (shrugs, shaking his head): Oh, not at all! The free computer upon signing was something he was looking for, but he’s happy with the laptop he has now – well, as long as Animal doesn’t keep eating it. You’d be surprised what tech support asks for these days!

Digit (smiles and touches Vicki’s chin playfully): Well, I’m glad you’re here, Vicki. You’re as hard-working as Scooter but much easier on the eyes. *chuckles*

Vicki (tries to shrink away in embarrassment): Digit ….

[Fade-out.]

 

[RedPiggy]

[Fade-in. Sir David Tushingham, Robin, and Waldo appear just outside a large apartment complex. It has a brick facade, multiple apartments with balconies overlooking a canal.]

Tushingham (looking around): What does this have to do with the secret of the Muppets?

Waldo (looks around): It’s an apartment now, but up until the year 2005, Jim Henson’s Creature Shop of London was where experimentation in puppetry happened.

Tushingham (sighs): But how are we going … no, wait … why would we go inside? I’m trying to search for truth, not rent a flat for a reasonable fee and pleasant scenery.

Waldo (rolling his eyes): C’mon … this is a mystery movie.

Robin (suddenly understands): And in mystery movies, there are always secret areas that hide treasure!

Waldo (grins, nodding): Exactly! *flies over to the lowest level and a light beams out of his eyes, scanning a section of the wall, revealing a hidden panel, which opens a camouflaged door* C’mon, everybody! *enters*

Robin and Tushingham (look at each other, shrug, and enter)

[The scene cuts to a dark interior. The only illumination comes from a central pedestal that shines a light on the Jim, Frank, and Jerry puppets, who sit on display on top of the pillar. The music is hushed. As they enter the room, they pass a panel that preserves their images in multiple segments of the panel, such as the special lights to be found in the apartment complex.]

Robin (approaches the puppet trio): I’ve seen them at the Theater … a long time ago.

Waldo (nods and approaches, his voice low and solemn): Jim, Frank, and Jerry … they are some of the original members of the Doll-Making Man Club.

Tushingham: You mean the humans they’re based on?

Waldo: Uh, yeah. That.

Robin (taps the pillar, looking up at the puppet trio): What happened? Why are they like that?

Waldo (flies in closer to inspect, shrugging): A puppet is more than just a hand in a glove. There has to be heart as well. When these three decided to retire, they joined the rest of them in perfect poses.

Robin and Tushingham: “The rest of them?”

Waldo (his tie swirling around, lights coming on all over the room, illuminating glass cases on the wall with lots of puppets based on humans, such as Paul Williams and Tim Curry and anyone else they happened to make Muppets out of, like Tom Cruise and Bernie Brillstein)

Robin: Wow ….

Waldo (voice-over as the camera pans around the room to offer closer shots of the Muppet humans): Humans put their hearts and souls into their creations. I’m sure Digit already told you, but the human tendency to destroy lots of life also makes them obsessed with avoiding it --.

Digit (suddenly appears with Vicki, whose arms are around him): Waldo! I think you’ve said quite enough!

Waldo (surprised): Digit? Vicki? What are you doing here? I thought you wanted them to know the secret of Muppet origins!

Digit: Not all of them!

Robin (approaching Digit): What does that mean? *nods to Waldo* How could anyone hate this particular revelation? I mean, we mean so much to humans that a part of their hearts go into us! We’re alive … as long as just one person believes in us!

Waldo (panicking): Digit, I’m sorry! What I meant to say was, humans try to create life!

Tushingham (shakes his head): No! That’s not what you said at all! You said “avoid”!

Digit (shaking his head): I can’t allow this continue any further! *music starts to get more frantic as he pulls some sort of remote control out of his pocket* If you’re desperate to expand your minds, I think I’ve got just the ticket! *points to the remote and inches toward them, making them all back up* This remote will zap you to the farthest reaches of the universe!

Robin and Vicki: But Digit!

Vicki (grabs Digit by the shoulder): Digit! This is wrong! *reaches for his off-button*

Digit (sweeps her away): I’m not glitching, Vicki! I am Digit! I am a cyborg! I’m not going to let David and --.

Tushingham (under his breath): Sir David.

Digit (continuing): -- Robin destroy my plans! *turns to the others* I’ve spent a very long time cooped up in that control room, watching the universe. I’ve learned lots of things.

Vicki (kicks Digit across the room with a loud kyah-like sound, shaking her head afterward): You’ve learned how to monologue ridiculously, I see. *giggles … in a very familiar way*

Robin (aghast): Vicki! He’s your boyfriend!

Waldo (slowly flies away, only to be stopped by Kermit, who is standing in the doorway)

Kermit (frowning): Waldo, what’s the matter with you? Why couldn’t you just be a part of the dream?

Robin (shocked): Uncle Kermit!

Tushingham (to the audience, holding up a pad and paper): Would any of you out there like a page? You’ll probably need this.

Waldo (glances nervously at the groaning form of Digit): This wasn’t supposed to happen! *flies away from Kermit and the others, who approach him, big sweat drops dripping from his small body* I met Digit when he was very young. He was just out of high school. All he wanted was some help. That’s it … I was only trying to help!

[Waldo seems oblivious as his top hat projects an image on the wall behind him. A teenage boy is in a hospital bed, wrapped in lots of bandages. In a parody of the scene where Dark Alessa peers into a hole in a curtain and the burned Alessa turns to darkness, the camera uses Waldo’s POV, flying lazily toward the curtain. Peeking around it, the bandaged Digit reaches out pleadingly, and the camera nods. Circuitry patterns spread across the curtain.]

Waldo (narrating the scene): There was an accident. Muppets live forever, he said. He had grown up watching them. His parents had watched them. If he couldn’t be turned into a Muppet, he’d die. I brought him to Honeydew, who at the time was applying for membership in NAST.

Vicki (horrified): You … you ….

Waldo (stops projecting and glares at Vicki): It’s when he met you that my plan started going downhill.

Robin (peering at Tushingham’s pad of paper and back at Waldo): You mean Digit isn’t the Monitor?

Waldo (laughs, shaking his head): Of course not! Digit is just my puppet! *starts to turn red* Do you really think that glitchy cyborg has the attention span to be a villain? No! All he cared about was living forever! *glares at Kermit* That house on that street you lived on … do you remember? I went there once. I wanted to be part of the dream. I was going to meet with you after my date. But you weren’t there!

Kermit (with just a hint of pleading): Waldo, quiet down. I hired you, didn’t I?

Waldo (nods exaggeratedly, sarcastically): Oh, yeah! You hired me for less than ten episodes and then I got shown just how valuable we technological entities really are!

Vicki: At least you helped Muppet Labs over at Disney’s Muppet Vision! I couldn’t get anywhere within a hundred miles of that theme park!

Waldo (shakes his head): I don’t care! The Doll-Making Man Club was designed to give life to inanimate objects! Why are CG characters and robots so unlovable? Why can’t we have any rights? Any fame?

Kermit (grunts with disapproval): Now, look here, Waldo – 3PO and R2 ….

Waldo (buzzing around the room): I don’t care! I don’t care if they were on the show! Just like the Vend-a-face and those wind-up Muppets and humans … they were all just one note token appearances to shut them up! You wanna drive down the fandom for the Muppets real quick? Suggest it be animated in the computer and see how fast they all run! Haven’t you ever read Frankenstein? Don’t make something if you don’t want to take care of it! *starts shooting lasers out of his eyes as the others scramble around the room, sparks and smoke everywhere*

Vicki (rolling on the floor to dodge the lasers)

Waldo (still ranting to no one in particular): Jar-Jar’s more hated than that fat, animatronic slug – that eats frogs! *gets blinded by a rubber mask shaped like Vicki’s face and stops* Huh? *is taken down by a blurry orange-skinned female figure*

Robin (gawking): You?

Tushingham (shaking his head as he looks at his pad): I’m thoroughly confused. *glances at the audience* Are any of you following all this?

[The camera pans around the room from Tushingham to reveal an adult Skeeter, dressed similarly to her comic book counterpart, crouched over the stunned form of Waldo.]

Kermit (nods, sighing with relief): Thanks, Skeeter.

Robin: Skeeter?

Skeeter (nodding, smiling): Scooter’s sister, remember? *holds out a hand* Good to see you again, Robin. You’ve grown a lot since I last saw you. *giggles* You didn’t even have legs yet. *stands up and holds the unconscious Waldo up to Kermit* Sorry, Boss.

Tushingham (sighs): So, Waldo was the evil Monitor all this time.

Kermit (shrugs): Well … no. He was actually the villain, but he’s not the Monitor.

Robin (frustrated): Well, who is the Monitor?

Skeeter (shrugging with a smirk): Isn’t it obvious?

Tushingham (chuckling)

Robin (glances at Kermit): You’re the Monitor? How? Why? How are you even alive? I thought Gonzo killed you!

Skeeter (laughs): Gonzo? Kill Kermit? Ha! He’s a weirdo, but he’s no killer! *laughs*

Kermit (tenderly approaches Robin): I’m sorry, Robin. Gonzo didn’t kill me. He wanted me to pose for some kind of old-timey photo, but it took so long I passed out. Gonzo used my puppet double since it wouldn’t breathe.

Tushingham (angrily): Alright, hold it! My brain is going to explode! Kermit, if you’re really just a puppet, then why are you saying you can breathe but this puppet double can’t?

Kermit (looks up at Tushingham): Sir David, the secret of the Muppets isn’t that we’re puppets. It’s that humans are.

Tushingham (shocked): Pardon?

Kermit (sighs, walking up to the form of Puppet Jim and looking up tenderly at him): I met Jim … this Jim … in the fifties. He was a member of the Doll-Making Man Club. He was the first to explain their true nature to me. You see, the hyphen isn’t between “doll” and “making” … it’s between “making” and “man”. Humans didn’t create Muppets. We created them.

Tushingham (incredulously): Argh! Ugh! Why, I don’t, I mean I mean I … I’ve never been so insulted in my entire life!

Robin (in a close-up, with an expression of realization): It’s … insulting.

Kermit (nods): Every living thing wants to know that they’re special. They want to feel alive. They want to believe they have free will and control over their environment. But that isn’t really the case at all. Humans can do so many things we Muppets can’t. We’re either too short, too tall, too flimsy, too solid …. Humans are the real Whatnots … they’re good for just about everything.

Skeeter (nods solemnly): Only a few members of the Doll … *uses quote gesture* Making-Man … *stops gesturing* Club know the real truth. Kermit, or, the Monitor, decided with Jim to boost human self-esteem by making them happy.

Kermit (nods, sniffling): It was our dream.

Skeeter (puts Waldo’s body down on the ground and pats Robin on the shoulder): It’s a dream that gets better the more people you share it with. We believe in them, and then they can believe in themselves. Kermit hired me early on, along with my brother, Scooter. While Scooter takes care of the records and stuff, I am a covert spy, helping Kermit “monitor” the situation for anything that might hurt the dream. *glances at Waldo* Poor kid. I had Kermit cancel Muppet Television as soon as it became clear Waldo thought he was better than all of us. He was going to go public with the truth. Muppet Central would’ve been flamebroiled to a crisp for daring to put humans in their place. We had to do that Behind-the-Scenes episode to pre-empt anything Waldo could do.

Tushingham (sits down, horrified at the revelation): I … I … I just can’t … believe it.

Kermit (places a hand tenderly on Tushingham’s shoulder): Life’s like a movie, Sir David. You know, you write your own ending.

Tushingham (chuckles through his grief): Well, apparently not ….

Kermit: Awww. Don’t be that way. As long as I’m alive, and as long as I have friends who will help with our dream, you’ll always feel special … to us and to yourselves. Even that book tells the story of the Maker forming you out of clay. You’re made out to be just a claymation figurine. And that story was written ages ago. This idea isn’t new. It’s always been around. Ever seen that movie Clash of the Titans? Aren’t humans always portrayed as little chess figures?

Tushingham (his head in his hands): What am I to do now? This wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

Robin (shrugs): I guess real answers never are. Uncle Kermit? What do we do now? Big musical number?

Kermit (shrugs, smirking): Not quite. *looks down at a watch that just happens to be on his wrist now* Hm, wonder where the watch came from. Anyway, we’ve only been doing this movie for about thirty minutes. So, because I’m not really against technology, of course, let’s put this up on Youtube and invite all the users to write their own endings.

Skeeter: Ha! *crosses arms* Well, at least then they can’t gripe we ruined it. *grins*

[An instrumental version of Rainbow Connection plays slowly as everyone exits the room, with Tushingham reluctantly tossing Digit over his shoulder and carrying him out. The only one left is Waldo. Soon, his eyes open, with static overlaying his eyes. Faintly, we hear a very robotic-like voice, similar to Digit’s original one.]

Robotic voice: "I am a machine that would be anything you like. What kind of machine do you want? I can do anything. Machines are better than people. Machines can do anything. I can be an adding machine, subtracting machine, gumball machine, soda pop dispensing machine, jukebox..."

Waldo (as the static continues, but in his voice as the soundtrack silences, singing creepily to the tune of Rainbow Connection): Life’s like the Matrix … we’re all just a program … keep believing … keep pretending … robots know what all that we must do … we keep believing … and we will … love too….

[Fade-out.] THE END?