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Hey everybody!
Hey Dr. Nick!
No, it's me
So it's the weekend and you know what that means? It's time, once again, for another Miss Piggy Adventure! This little ditty was first previewed in the One Shots story listing and everyone liked it so much, that I've made it into an actual Miss Piggy Adventure, starring the porcine princess herself, the one, the only, the hostest with the mostest -
MOI!
I've cleaned it up some (and for Newsie, no more 'that of'!) and added some stuff (credit to Mr. Ed Moderator Man for finding out the runners up!), so without further ado...
Summers in California have always proved to be the most excellent of excuses to throw a party.
Many a summer day and evening saw neighbors in their front or backyards - grilling, listening to music, and having the family and friends over for the day. For the crew that made up the Muppets, getting together after spending most of their time together may have seemed redundant, but there was a difference between working and having fun, though most of the time their work was having fun.
And there was no place better for a party than the residence that belonged to Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Purchased and built sometime after their ‘wedding’ in their third movie, the ranch style house was as cozy as it was secure. Surrounded by tall hedges, the security gate only opened if you either rang or knew the code; it of course signaled the home of the two as it was monogrammed with their images in steel and ironwork.
The driveway led to two different paths – one to the front of the house and the other to the garage. Most of their vehicular enhanced friends parked halfway up the drive, which of course always caused issues when someone wanted to leave and had nearly five cars parked behind them.
The house itself wasn’t overly large, something that Piggy had kept in mind in regards to her frog. They both had wildly differing tastes, however it seemed that when Piggy was building and designing the house, every nuance that she thought Kermit would appreciate, she took into account. Three bedrooms, two baths, a large kitchen with adjoining patio and pool, as well as a large living room made up the couple’s cozy and happy abode.
Currently, the living room seemed to be the only place that Kermit could go in his own house, as Piggy took to party planning as though she was competing in an Olympic sport.
Party favors had been set up in the kitchen, food was going to be catered, desserts were being made, and who knew what else. And because she had wanted everything to be just so, she had banned Kermit from going into the kitchen or out onto the patio.
That of course didn’t suit the frog well; he was hungry, starving even. And with there being desserts in the house, it meant that he could have a tasty snack, or two, to tide him over until Rowlf and Chef got there to start grilling the meat.
“Piggy, come on!” came his complaint, as the diva pushed him away from the kitchen for the fourth time that day and led him into the living room. “I’m hungry!”
“There is a perfectly good bowl of snacks sitting on the coffee table,” was her response.
Indeed, there was a nice bowl of fruit, as well as some Chex mix sitting on the coffee table. However, Kermit didn’t want a nice bowl of fruit or the Chex mix; he wanted one of the cookies he knew had been baking in the kitchen or whatever other tasty, sinful treat was being kept from him.
“Woman,” the frog stated, turning abruptly. “I’m hungry and I demand to be allowed in my kitchen!”
Kermit may have been hungry, but he wasn’t in control, especially not in this house. He had a long time ago conceded control of the house when Piggy returned from Paris and moved back in. Said pig was currently giving him a look – and an out – should he decide to change his statement and tone.
“Please?”
“Aw Kermie,” Piggy cooed, giving the frog’s cheek a pinch. “You’re adorable even when you’re trying not to be. Look, if you’re a good little frog and stay out of the kitchen, Moi will reward you for your patience and resistance.”
She almost had him, but at the last moment he actually thought about what that could mean. Getting a reward from Piggy could be anything from pleasurable to painful. “What kind of reward?” he asked, suspiciously.
The diva smiled, one of those alluring, predatory smiles and decided that instead of showing him what she meant, she’d tell him.
In detail.
Leaning over to whisper in his ear, Piggy explained just exactly what she was willing to offer if Kermit could afford to reign in his sweet tooth. Truthfully, Kermit was a bit torn – he really was hungry! In helping Piggy, or rather in staying out of her way, he hadn’t had much to eat for breakfast and he thought he smelled brownies earlier.
On the other hand, there was a reward that he could look forward to.
Looking at her, he was barely able to move his mouth, which had dropped open at the very suggestion. “I don’t think you’re that limber,” he challenged, knowing full well that – should Piggy put her mind to it – she could do stunts that made Gonzo look like an amateur sometimes.
“You wanna find out or what?”
When the doorbell rang, the two didn’t even bother to turn towards the sound, they just simultaneously shouted out, “Come in, Fozzie!” not once taking their eyes off each other.
True to form, Muppet comic Fozzie Bear came through the door, not caring about the standoff that was happening in the living room, but caring about the sweets that were just sitting in the kitchen. The bear had a notorious sweet tooth and his sweet tooth senses had been tingling ever since he had pulled up into the driveway.
“Hiya guys!” he said, making his way towards the kitchen. “I can’t wait to chow down!”
It was crunch time and Kermit the Frog needed to decide if he was going to take Piggy up on her offer or not. While the temptation of sweets and other tasty things were calling him towards the kitchen, his stomach was outvoted. He actually did want to take his chances and find out.
“Fozzie, stay out of the kitchen.”
“Aw,” the bear whined, stopping short of his destination. “Why?”
“Because Piggy said so.”
Fozzie pouted and trudged his way over to the couple. One look at the pitiful and sad face that he was making made Piggy almost cave in to their demands.
Almost.
“You’ll be fine, you big baby,” she said, giving the bear a pat on the cheek.
“But I’m hungry!”
“Heaven knows why I’d want any children when I have the two of you to take care of,” the diva lamented. “There is fruit and Chex on the table. Eat that.”
“Hey hey!”
The arrival of performance artist/daredevil Gonzo the Great was entirely expected, but Piggy rolled her eyes none the less. She really did have a thousand things to do before this party started and the thought of leaving these three in her house, alone, did nothing to bolster her confidence.
“Let me at that food!” he continued, copying Fozzie’s original path towards snack treats. “I’ve skipped both breakfast and lunch for this thing and my stomach has just informed me it’s time to parrrr-tay! Look, I even wore my party vest.”
Gonzo had been and would always be known for his unique tastes in everything. Whether it be pickle and horseradish ice cream to the stunts that he performed, Gonzo was definitely a one of a kind personality; this of course also extended to his wardrobe. Once telling Piggy that his closet was full of matching outfits, the weirdo went out of his way to make sure that nothing he picked from there would ever match.
Today’s ensemble was actually very low key for him – black sneakers covered by a pair of jeans which were covered by an eye blinding argyle sweater vest which covered a light pink shirt. As far as Piggy was concerned, it still made her eyes want to jump from their sockets.
“You’re blinder than I thought,” she muttered. “Alright, mon amies,” she announced, all the while giving Kermit a kiss on the head, patting Fozzie once more on the cheek, and then delivering a playful – but hard – slap on the back of Gonzo’s head as she passed.
“Moi shall return in a bit. Remember Kermie, no one in that kitchen.”
“Right.”
“Ta!” And without a look behind her, Miss Piggy was off to do whatever needed to be done.
And as soon as she was out the door, Gonzo and Fozzie continued on their quest towards the kitchen.
“No way, you guys,” Kermit intervened, stopping them as soon as he saw them move. “You heard her. No one in the kitchen.”
“What the pig doesn’t know won’t hurt us,” Gonzo replied. “As long as she doesn’t find out.”
“It’s Piggy,” Fozzie stated, taking a few steps back. “She’ll find out.”
“He’s right,” Kermit nodded. “Besides, if I keep you and myself out until party time, I get a reward.”
“What kind of reward?” Fozzie asked, his eyes lighting up as though it was Christmas day. The bear had a reputation of sticking to the things he loved as a child and it gave him a childlike innocence that they all didn’t want to ruin.
“Probably one that can’t be shown on premium cable before midnight,” Gonzo chuckled.
Kermit sighed, though it was more of a huff than actual sigh. “Are you a pervert by design or enjoyment?” he asked.
“Oh that’s easy,” the weirdo responded, making his way towards the snack dishes on the coffee table. “Enjoyment!”
The ringing of the doorbell cut whatever retort the frog had planned, so he decided to file it away under things to never discuss with the daredevil. Assuming that it was one of their own, Kermit hollered, “Come in!”
The door opened to reveal a tan colored Muppet with long dark hair and small rim glasses. She was dressed professionally and nodded to the trio as she walked in. “Hello,” she replied. “I’m looking for a Miss Piggy, is she in?”
“You just missed her,” Fozzie said, barely swallowing the handful of raspberries he had thrown in his mouth.
“I always seem to be missing her,” the Muppet sighed.
“Well,” Kermit began. “Maybe there’s something I can help you with. Piggy and I are…um…pretty close.”
“They’re only one piece of paper away from being legally married,” Gonzo quipped, earning him a look from the frog.
“Well, I think that would be okay,” the Muppet said, nodding again when Kermit showed her to the couch to sit. “My name is Courtney Hallsworthy, I’m on the board of directors for the pageant commission of Iowa.”
“Iowa?” Kermit asked, suddenly feeling of dread hitting him. “What brings you all the way to Beverly Hills?”
“Well,” Hallsworthy began. “As I said, I’m with the pageant commission and we’ve recently begun the process of updating all of our records and submitting them online. This way we have a quicker ability to create, edit, and update our records when a new winner is crowned. It will certainly help to avoid the horribleness of the fire of 1993.”
“What happened? Fozzie asked, his eyes wide in interested curiosity.
Hallsworthy looked at him, clearing her throat uncomfortably. “There was a fire, in the year 1993,” she replied. “I think the meaning is perfectly clear. Anyway, as we were going through our past winners, we discovered an error when it came to Miss Piggy’s 1980 win for Miss Bogan County. She didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?” asked Fozzie.
“Win Miss Bogen County,” Hallsworthy continued. “Miss Piggy never won the title.”
“Ms. Hallsworthy,” Kermit chuckled. “You’ll forgive me, but the three of us were there. She was wearing a pink gown, a blue sash, and had a crown on her head. Now if she wasn’t Miss Bogen County, what was she?”
“A clerical error,” the Muppet explained. Reaching into the briefcase she had brought with her, she pulled out a number of documents and began looking at them. “It seems there was a mix up in the ballot counts. Oh, she was very close with a…Debbie Sue Anderson, but as it turns out, it was Ms. Anderson that won.”
“What…” Gonzo started, not sure he was quite understanding this conversation. “What exactly does that mean?”
“It means she’ll have to give it back,” Hallsworthy replied. “Some of the board members are actually down here on business – we have these little conventions you know – and we thought this would be a great opportunity to rectify this horrible mistake. I can only apologize in our discovering the error so late, but I’m sure Miss Piggy is every bit the charming, caring, and responsible woman she portrays on your show and in the movies.”
“Have you…met…Miss Piggy?” Gonzo asked.
“Unfortunately I wasn’t on the board at that time,” Hallsworthy replied. “Why do you ask?”
“No reason.”
Hallsworthy handed Kermit a card, saying, “This is all the information she’ll need to be at the ceremony tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Fozzie choked.
“Again, so sorry this is so late,” Hallsworthy stated. “I’ve tried to reach her at your place of business, but I’m always missing her or no one answers the phone.”
The three nodded slowly. Things could be hectic at the theater, even worse when fires needed putting out, disputes needed stopping, and guest stars needing rescuing.
“Well, thank you very much for your time and understanding, Mr. The Frog.”
“Oh…uh…” the frog stumbled, quickly shaking the hand of the director. “ Sure. Thank…thank you for stopping by.”
“I’ll see myself out.” Hallsworthy nodded to the trio, took her briefcase and then took her leave.
The three watched her go before slowly turning to look at each other. This…was bad. This was beyond bad, this…this was…this was…so very very bad.
“So Kermit,” Gonzo said, slowly. “How ya gonna tell her?”
“Very gently,” the frog murmured. “And from a hundred feet away, preferably surrounded by thousands of armed guards and tanks.”
“Well,” Fozzie began. “Well…maybe it’s not so bad. Even if Piggy didn’t win, she’s still runner up! And in the case the current Miss Bogen County is unable to fulfill her duties…”
“Fozzie, that never happens!” Gonzo interrupted. “Kermit…Kermit, you’re a lot closer to Piggy than we are; how’s she gonna take this? Really?”
“Are you kidding?” the frog cried. “This is Piggy we’re talking about. Oh, she may talk a good game and parade around like the star she is, but she prides herself on being a former Miss Bogen County. As far as she’s concerned, if she hadn’t gotten that, she wouldn’t have gotten all of this; that title opened up the doors to all of the other stuff, including us. For her to find out that she’s not Miss Bogen County…who knows what could happen!?”
“I’ll tell you what’s going to happen,” Gonzo interjected. “Plague, pestilence, the four horsemen of the apocalypse! Maybe…maybe we should leave her a note, you know? That way we can skip town and…”
“Gonzo, we can’t do that,” Kermit protested.
“Why?”
“Because Piggy’s our friend and we have to support her.”
“I can support her just fine a thousand miles from here,” the daredevil said. “Besides, she’s your girlfriend. You support her. You got that big reward coming to you later…”
“Gonzo might have an idea.”
“Thanks a lot, Fozzie,” the frog muttered.
“What?” the bear asked. Thinking about Gonzo’s last statement, he said, “No, not that, I mean about telling Piggy something else or…or pushing it off a bit. Like, I had this friend who was housesitting for this family and their bird died. Well, he didn’t want to just come out and say, “hey you’re bird’s dead” cause you know, that’s kinda mean.
“Anyway, while they were on vacation, he’d send them a note like ‘the bird is on the roof’, right? Then the next week he said, ‘the bird fell off the roof’; and then it was ‘the bird broke its wing’ and then he sent ‘the bird died’.”
Both Gonzo and Kermit looked at the bear.
“How is that helpful?” asked the weirdo.
“I don’t know!” the bear exclaimed. He hated being put on the spot and certainly when it came to coming up with plans that would probably blow up in their faces. “It’s supposed to…you know…soften the blow a bit.”
Again, both weirdo and frog looked at their friend.
“How much time do you think we’d have before she comes back?” asked Kermit.
“Well, it’s Piggy,” Gonzo replied. “And she’s throwing a party, so maybe she’ll get caught up in her shopping and lose track of time, which means we could probably have a few hours and that’s all we really need. It can’t be more than twelve hours to Mexico…”
“Think Mexico’s a good idea?”
“Only if Piggy doesn’t know Spanish,” Fozzie whispered. “Wait, none of us knows Spanish.”
“So?” Gonzo said. “Piggy didn’t know French until she moved to France; shouldn’t be hard to learn. We’ll change our names; I’ll be Gonzolito Suave and…”
“Did…did you just think of that name just now?” the frog interrupted.
“No,” Gonzo replied. “I happen to have a list of names for any occasion.”
“Why?” asked Fozzie.
The daredevil shrugged. “In case I have to leave the country.”
“Why would you…?” Kermit began and then stopped, shaking his head. He didn’t want to know what plausible reasons Gonzo could or had come up with that would make him need to leave the country.
He didn’t want to know.
Whatever plans the three had on either leaving the city, state, or country were put on hold when the door opened to reveal Piggy carrying a shopping bag. Her arrival must have surprised them because she could clearly see the shock on their faces.
“You boys haven’t been in the kitchen, have you?” she asked, with a knowing smile. She figured at one or all of them had to have snuck in the kitchen and she was more than prepared to replace any cookies, cupcakes, or brownies that were missing.
“No,” the three said.
“Cause you three look like you have a dirty secret you want to share with me.”
“What a…what an odd thing to say,” Kermit chuckled, nervously.
“Well,” the diva replied, putting the bag down by the door and standing in the living room proper. “I really hope you haven’t been in there. I have a big surprise waiting in there for you.”
“You have one out here too,” Fozzie muttered, earning him a look of warning from Kermit.
“What?”
“Nothing!” Kermit exclaimed, jumping up and taking the pig by the hand. Leading her over to the couch to sit next to him, he began with, “Piggy, come over here, darlin’, and sit down. The four of us never just…sit down and…sit.”
Clearing his throat several times, Kermit sat facing her, smiling in the most non-threatening and hopefully cheerful way he could. “Um…so…we…we were sitting here and um…we were sitting here and we were talking about what our lives would like if…for example, we didn’t do certain things.”
“Like what?”
“Well, well, like uh…” he stumbled. He hadn’t really been prepared for this and he could swear that his life was passing before his eyes as he spoke. “Well, like if…Fozzie hadn’t been a comic or if…Gonzo hadn’t been a performing artist!”
“Or…or…if you hadn’t won Miss Bogen County!” Gonzo blurted.
Thankfully, Piggy must have thought this whole conversation was either funny or odd because his statement caused her to laugh, which made the others join in nervously.
“Which…which of course is silly,” Kermit amended. “But let’s…for argument’s sake, pretend that you weren’t.” He concluded the statement by rubbing her shoulder before twirling a strand of her hair with his fingers.
“Can you imagine that?”
“No.”
“Try,” Gonzo replied.
The diva sighed, though she did try to think about life without that crown, if only to satisfy their morbid curiosity. And she just couldn’t do it. “I can’t do it,” she replied, honestly. “No matter what I do, I still see and feel that crown on my head.”
“But what if it wasn’t?” asked Fozzie.
“Wasn’t what?”
“What if that crown wasn’t on your head?”
“If it’s not on my head, then where is it?”
“It’s on the roof,” Kermit murmured. His mind went over the story that Fozzie had told earlier, but there was obviously a disconnect between his brain and his mouth.
Piggy looked at the frog strangely. What exactly had these three gotten into while she had been gone? To her knowledge, those sweets had been untouched by malicious hands and she had pre-banned Floyd Pepper from even entering the house unless he was accompanied by a legal and sane adult.
“What?” she asked, confused and a bit suspiciously.
“Piggy,” Gonzo interrupted. This was going nowhere and he desperately hoped to get them in a place where either Piggy would just accept this or they could escape unharmed. “Do you remember someone by the name of Debbie Sue Anderson?”
“No,” was her immediate answer. As though she could remember every single person she met in her…oh wait. “Oh wait,” she corrected. “Yeah, I remember her. She was in the Miss Bogen County finals with me.”
“Oh, I bet she was the nicest person ever!” Fozzie gushed. “And you two were the best of friends, right?”
“No, she hated me,” she said. “We had been neck and neck up to the finals and she got into a snit because I was beating her in every event. She nearly sabotaged my talent event, but Moi always has extra talents to spare. Fixed her little wagon, yes I did.”
“I’d like to think that means you were the bigger person and, with some soul searching, you decided to let any anger you may have been feeling go in the face of being a good sportsman, but I have a feeling I’d be wrong and highly disappointed.”
“Why’re you guys asking about this?” she questioned. “And how do you know about Debbie Sue?”
The door opened unexpectedly, causing those on the couch to turn; the opened door revealed Courtney Hallsworthy once more. “I almost forgot,” she said. “Can you make sure that Miss Piggy brings both the sash and the crown? That way we can give them to Debbie Sue.”
“Say what?” asked Piggy, staring incredulously at the Muppet.
Lew Zealand, who had followed the woman from the driveway up to the door, suddenly jumped out from behind her, fish in both hands. “What the halibut!?” he shouted. “Where’s the party?”
Hey Dr. Nick!
No, it's me
So it's the weekend and you know what that means? It's time, once again, for another Miss Piggy Adventure! This little ditty was first previewed in the One Shots story listing and everyone liked it so much, that I've made it into an actual Miss Piggy Adventure, starring the porcine princess herself, the one, the only, the hostest with the mostest - MOI!I've cleaned it up some (and for Newsie, no more 'that of'!) and added some stuff (credit to Mr. Ed Moderator Man for finding out the runners up!), so without further ado...
Miss Piggy’s Muppet Adventures Presents
Miss Piggy
In
Bogan County Beauty Brouhaha
Summers in California have always proved to be the most excellent of excuses to throw a party.
Many a summer day and evening saw neighbors in their front or backyards - grilling, listening to music, and having the family and friends over for the day. For the crew that made up the Muppets, getting together after spending most of their time together may have seemed redundant, but there was a difference between working and having fun, though most of the time their work was having fun.
And there was no place better for a party than the residence that belonged to Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Purchased and built sometime after their ‘wedding’ in their third movie, the ranch style house was as cozy as it was secure. Surrounded by tall hedges, the security gate only opened if you either rang or knew the code; it of course signaled the home of the two as it was monogrammed with their images in steel and ironwork.
The driveway led to two different paths – one to the front of the house and the other to the garage. Most of their vehicular enhanced friends parked halfway up the drive, which of course always caused issues when someone wanted to leave and had nearly five cars parked behind them.
The house itself wasn’t overly large, something that Piggy had kept in mind in regards to her frog. They both had wildly differing tastes, however it seemed that when Piggy was building and designing the house, every nuance that she thought Kermit would appreciate, she took into account. Three bedrooms, two baths, a large kitchen with adjoining patio and pool, as well as a large living room made up the couple’s cozy and happy abode.
Currently, the living room seemed to be the only place that Kermit could go in his own house, as Piggy took to party planning as though she was competing in an Olympic sport.
Party favors had been set up in the kitchen, food was going to be catered, desserts were being made, and who knew what else. And because she had wanted everything to be just so, she had banned Kermit from going into the kitchen or out onto the patio.
That of course didn’t suit the frog well; he was hungry, starving even. And with there being desserts in the house, it meant that he could have a tasty snack, or two, to tide him over until Rowlf and Chef got there to start grilling the meat.
“Piggy, come on!” came his complaint, as the diva pushed him away from the kitchen for the fourth time that day and led him into the living room. “I’m hungry!”
“There is a perfectly good bowl of snacks sitting on the coffee table,” was her response.
Indeed, there was a nice bowl of fruit, as well as some Chex mix sitting on the coffee table. However, Kermit didn’t want a nice bowl of fruit or the Chex mix; he wanted one of the cookies he knew had been baking in the kitchen or whatever other tasty, sinful treat was being kept from him.
“Woman,” the frog stated, turning abruptly. “I’m hungry and I demand to be allowed in my kitchen!”
Kermit may have been hungry, but he wasn’t in control, especially not in this house. He had a long time ago conceded control of the house when Piggy returned from Paris and moved back in. Said pig was currently giving him a look – and an out – should he decide to change his statement and tone.
“Please?”
“Aw Kermie,” Piggy cooed, giving the frog’s cheek a pinch. “You’re adorable even when you’re trying not to be. Look, if you’re a good little frog and stay out of the kitchen, Moi will reward you for your patience and resistance.”
She almost had him, but at the last moment he actually thought about what that could mean. Getting a reward from Piggy could be anything from pleasurable to painful. “What kind of reward?” he asked, suspiciously.
The diva smiled, one of those alluring, predatory smiles and decided that instead of showing him what she meant, she’d tell him.
In detail.
Leaning over to whisper in his ear, Piggy explained just exactly what she was willing to offer if Kermit could afford to reign in his sweet tooth. Truthfully, Kermit was a bit torn – he really was hungry! In helping Piggy, or rather in staying out of her way, he hadn’t had much to eat for breakfast and he thought he smelled brownies earlier.
On the other hand, there was a reward that he could look forward to.
Looking at her, he was barely able to move his mouth, which had dropped open at the very suggestion. “I don’t think you’re that limber,” he challenged, knowing full well that – should Piggy put her mind to it – she could do stunts that made Gonzo look like an amateur sometimes.
“You wanna find out or what?”
When the doorbell rang, the two didn’t even bother to turn towards the sound, they just simultaneously shouted out, “Come in, Fozzie!” not once taking their eyes off each other.
True to form, Muppet comic Fozzie Bear came through the door, not caring about the standoff that was happening in the living room, but caring about the sweets that were just sitting in the kitchen. The bear had a notorious sweet tooth and his sweet tooth senses had been tingling ever since he had pulled up into the driveway.
“Hiya guys!” he said, making his way towards the kitchen. “I can’t wait to chow down!”
It was crunch time and Kermit the Frog needed to decide if he was going to take Piggy up on her offer or not. While the temptation of sweets and other tasty things were calling him towards the kitchen, his stomach was outvoted. He actually did want to take his chances and find out.
“Fozzie, stay out of the kitchen.”
“Aw,” the bear whined, stopping short of his destination. “Why?”
“Because Piggy said so.”
Fozzie pouted and trudged his way over to the couple. One look at the pitiful and sad face that he was making made Piggy almost cave in to their demands.
Almost.
“You’ll be fine, you big baby,” she said, giving the bear a pat on the cheek.
“But I’m hungry!”
“Heaven knows why I’d want any children when I have the two of you to take care of,” the diva lamented. “There is fruit and Chex on the table. Eat that.”
“Hey hey!”
The arrival of performance artist/daredevil Gonzo the Great was entirely expected, but Piggy rolled her eyes none the less. She really did have a thousand things to do before this party started and the thought of leaving these three in her house, alone, did nothing to bolster her confidence.
“Let me at that food!” he continued, copying Fozzie’s original path towards snack treats. “I’ve skipped both breakfast and lunch for this thing and my stomach has just informed me it’s time to parrrr-tay! Look, I even wore my party vest.”
Gonzo had been and would always be known for his unique tastes in everything. Whether it be pickle and horseradish ice cream to the stunts that he performed, Gonzo was definitely a one of a kind personality; this of course also extended to his wardrobe. Once telling Piggy that his closet was full of matching outfits, the weirdo went out of his way to make sure that nothing he picked from there would ever match.
Today’s ensemble was actually very low key for him – black sneakers covered by a pair of jeans which were covered by an eye blinding argyle sweater vest which covered a light pink shirt. As far as Piggy was concerned, it still made her eyes want to jump from their sockets.
“You’re blinder than I thought,” she muttered. “Alright, mon amies,” she announced, all the while giving Kermit a kiss on the head, patting Fozzie once more on the cheek, and then delivering a playful – but hard – slap on the back of Gonzo’s head as she passed.
“Moi shall return in a bit. Remember Kermie, no one in that kitchen.”
“Right.”
“Ta!” And without a look behind her, Miss Piggy was off to do whatever needed to be done.
And as soon as she was out the door, Gonzo and Fozzie continued on their quest towards the kitchen.
“No way, you guys,” Kermit intervened, stopping them as soon as he saw them move. “You heard her. No one in the kitchen.”
“What the pig doesn’t know won’t hurt us,” Gonzo replied. “As long as she doesn’t find out.”
“It’s Piggy,” Fozzie stated, taking a few steps back. “She’ll find out.”
“He’s right,” Kermit nodded. “Besides, if I keep you and myself out until party time, I get a reward.”
“What kind of reward?” Fozzie asked, his eyes lighting up as though it was Christmas day. The bear had a reputation of sticking to the things he loved as a child and it gave him a childlike innocence that they all didn’t want to ruin.
“Probably one that can’t be shown on premium cable before midnight,” Gonzo chuckled.
Kermit sighed, though it was more of a huff than actual sigh. “Are you a pervert by design or enjoyment?” he asked.
“Oh that’s easy,” the weirdo responded, making his way towards the snack dishes on the coffee table. “Enjoyment!”
The ringing of the doorbell cut whatever retort the frog had planned, so he decided to file it away under things to never discuss with the daredevil. Assuming that it was one of their own, Kermit hollered, “Come in!”
The door opened to reveal a tan colored Muppet with long dark hair and small rim glasses. She was dressed professionally and nodded to the trio as she walked in. “Hello,” she replied. “I’m looking for a Miss Piggy, is she in?”
“You just missed her,” Fozzie said, barely swallowing the handful of raspberries he had thrown in his mouth.
“I always seem to be missing her,” the Muppet sighed.
“Well,” Kermit began. “Maybe there’s something I can help you with. Piggy and I are…um…pretty close.”
“They’re only one piece of paper away from being legally married,” Gonzo quipped, earning him a look from the frog.
“Well, I think that would be okay,” the Muppet said, nodding again when Kermit showed her to the couch to sit. “My name is Courtney Hallsworthy, I’m on the board of directors for the pageant commission of Iowa.”
“Iowa?” Kermit asked, suddenly feeling of dread hitting him. “What brings you all the way to Beverly Hills?”
“Well,” Hallsworthy began. “As I said, I’m with the pageant commission and we’ve recently begun the process of updating all of our records and submitting them online. This way we have a quicker ability to create, edit, and update our records when a new winner is crowned. It will certainly help to avoid the horribleness of the fire of 1993.”
“What happened? Fozzie asked, his eyes wide in interested curiosity.
Hallsworthy looked at him, clearing her throat uncomfortably. “There was a fire, in the year 1993,” she replied. “I think the meaning is perfectly clear. Anyway, as we were going through our past winners, we discovered an error when it came to Miss Piggy’s 1980 win for Miss Bogan County. She didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?” asked Fozzie.
“Win Miss Bogen County,” Hallsworthy continued. “Miss Piggy never won the title.”
“Ms. Hallsworthy,” Kermit chuckled. “You’ll forgive me, but the three of us were there. She was wearing a pink gown, a blue sash, and had a crown on her head. Now if she wasn’t Miss Bogen County, what was she?”
“A clerical error,” the Muppet explained. Reaching into the briefcase she had brought with her, she pulled out a number of documents and began looking at them. “It seems there was a mix up in the ballot counts. Oh, she was very close with a…Debbie Sue Anderson, but as it turns out, it was Ms. Anderson that won.”
“What…” Gonzo started, not sure he was quite understanding this conversation. “What exactly does that mean?”
“It means she’ll have to give it back,” Hallsworthy replied. “Some of the board members are actually down here on business – we have these little conventions you know – and we thought this would be a great opportunity to rectify this horrible mistake. I can only apologize in our discovering the error so late, but I’m sure Miss Piggy is every bit the charming, caring, and responsible woman she portrays on your show and in the movies.”
“Have you…met…Miss Piggy?” Gonzo asked.
“Unfortunately I wasn’t on the board at that time,” Hallsworthy replied. “Why do you ask?”
“No reason.”
Hallsworthy handed Kermit a card, saying, “This is all the information she’ll need to be at the ceremony tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Fozzie choked.
“Again, so sorry this is so late,” Hallsworthy stated. “I’ve tried to reach her at your place of business, but I’m always missing her or no one answers the phone.”
The three nodded slowly. Things could be hectic at the theater, even worse when fires needed putting out, disputes needed stopping, and guest stars needing rescuing.
“Well, thank you very much for your time and understanding, Mr. The Frog.”
“Oh…uh…” the frog stumbled, quickly shaking the hand of the director. “ Sure. Thank…thank you for stopping by.”
“I’ll see myself out.” Hallsworthy nodded to the trio, took her briefcase and then took her leave.
The three watched her go before slowly turning to look at each other. This…was bad. This was beyond bad, this…this was…this was…so very very bad.
“So Kermit,” Gonzo said, slowly. “How ya gonna tell her?”
“Very gently,” the frog murmured. “And from a hundred feet away, preferably surrounded by thousands of armed guards and tanks.”
“Well,” Fozzie began. “Well…maybe it’s not so bad. Even if Piggy didn’t win, she’s still runner up! And in the case the current Miss Bogen County is unable to fulfill her duties…”
“Fozzie, that never happens!” Gonzo interrupted. “Kermit…Kermit, you’re a lot closer to Piggy than we are; how’s she gonna take this? Really?”
“Are you kidding?” the frog cried. “This is Piggy we’re talking about. Oh, she may talk a good game and parade around like the star she is, but she prides herself on being a former Miss Bogen County. As far as she’s concerned, if she hadn’t gotten that, she wouldn’t have gotten all of this; that title opened up the doors to all of the other stuff, including us. For her to find out that she’s not Miss Bogen County…who knows what could happen!?”
“I’ll tell you what’s going to happen,” Gonzo interjected. “Plague, pestilence, the four horsemen of the apocalypse! Maybe…maybe we should leave her a note, you know? That way we can skip town and…”
“Gonzo, we can’t do that,” Kermit protested.
“Why?”
“Because Piggy’s our friend and we have to support her.”
“I can support her just fine a thousand miles from here,” the daredevil said. “Besides, she’s your girlfriend. You support her. You got that big reward coming to you later…”
“Gonzo might have an idea.”
“Thanks a lot, Fozzie,” the frog muttered.
“What?” the bear asked. Thinking about Gonzo’s last statement, he said, “No, not that, I mean about telling Piggy something else or…or pushing it off a bit. Like, I had this friend who was housesitting for this family and their bird died. Well, he didn’t want to just come out and say, “hey you’re bird’s dead” cause you know, that’s kinda mean.
“Anyway, while they were on vacation, he’d send them a note like ‘the bird is on the roof’, right? Then the next week he said, ‘the bird fell off the roof’; and then it was ‘the bird broke its wing’ and then he sent ‘the bird died’.”
Both Gonzo and Kermit looked at the bear.
“How is that helpful?” asked the weirdo.
“I don’t know!” the bear exclaimed. He hated being put on the spot and certainly when it came to coming up with plans that would probably blow up in their faces. “It’s supposed to…you know…soften the blow a bit.”
Again, both weirdo and frog looked at their friend.
“How much time do you think we’d have before she comes back?” asked Kermit.
“Well, it’s Piggy,” Gonzo replied. “And she’s throwing a party, so maybe she’ll get caught up in her shopping and lose track of time, which means we could probably have a few hours and that’s all we really need. It can’t be more than twelve hours to Mexico…”
“Think Mexico’s a good idea?”
“Only if Piggy doesn’t know Spanish,” Fozzie whispered. “Wait, none of us knows Spanish.”
“So?” Gonzo said. “Piggy didn’t know French until she moved to France; shouldn’t be hard to learn. We’ll change our names; I’ll be Gonzolito Suave and…”
“Did…did you just think of that name just now?” the frog interrupted.
“No,” Gonzo replied. “I happen to have a list of names for any occasion.”
“Why?” asked Fozzie.
The daredevil shrugged. “In case I have to leave the country.”
“Why would you…?” Kermit began and then stopped, shaking his head. He didn’t want to know what plausible reasons Gonzo could or had come up with that would make him need to leave the country.
He didn’t want to know.
Whatever plans the three had on either leaving the city, state, or country were put on hold when the door opened to reveal Piggy carrying a shopping bag. Her arrival must have surprised them because she could clearly see the shock on their faces.
“You boys haven’t been in the kitchen, have you?” she asked, with a knowing smile. She figured at one or all of them had to have snuck in the kitchen and she was more than prepared to replace any cookies, cupcakes, or brownies that were missing.
“No,” the three said.
“Cause you three look like you have a dirty secret you want to share with me.”
“What a…what an odd thing to say,” Kermit chuckled, nervously.
“Well,” the diva replied, putting the bag down by the door and standing in the living room proper. “I really hope you haven’t been in there. I have a big surprise waiting in there for you.”
“You have one out here too,” Fozzie muttered, earning him a look of warning from Kermit.
“What?”
“Nothing!” Kermit exclaimed, jumping up and taking the pig by the hand. Leading her over to the couch to sit next to him, he began with, “Piggy, come over here, darlin’, and sit down. The four of us never just…sit down and…sit.”
Clearing his throat several times, Kermit sat facing her, smiling in the most non-threatening and hopefully cheerful way he could. “Um…so…we…we were sitting here and um…we were sitting here and we were talking about what our lives would like if…for example, we didn’t do certain things.”
“Like what?”
“Well, well, like uh…” he stumbled. He hadn’t really been prepared for this and he could swear that his life was passing before his eyes as he spoke. “Well, like if…Fozzie hadn’t been a comic or if…Gonzo hadn’t been a performing artist!”
“Or…or…if you hadn’t won Miss Bogen County!” Gonzo blurted.
Thankfully, Piggy must have thought this whole conversation was either funny or odd because his statement caused her to laugh, which made the others join in nervously.
“Which…which of course is silly,” Kermit amended. “But let’s…for argument’s sake, pretend that you weren’t.” He concluded the statement by rubbing her shoulder before twirling a strand of her hair with his fingers.
“Can you imagine that?”
“No.”
“Try,” Gonzo replied.
The diva sighed, though she did try to think about life without that crown, if only to satisfy their morbid curiosity. And she just couldn’t do it. “I can’t do it,” she replied, honestly. “No matter what I do, I still see and feel that crown on my head.”
“But what if it wasn’t?” asked Fozzie.
“Wasn’t what?”
“What if that crown wasn’t on your head?”
“If it’s not on my head, then where is it?”
“It’s on the roof,” Kermit murmured. His mind went over the story that Fozzie had told earlier, but there was obviously a disconnect between his brain and his mouth.
Piggy looked at the frog strangely. What exactly had these three gotten into while she had been gone? To her knowledge, those sweets had been untouched by malicious hands and she had pre-banned Floyd Pepper from even entering the house unless he was accompanied by a legal and sane adult.
“What?” she asked, confused and a bit suspiciously.
“Piggy,” Gonzo interrupted. This was going nowhere and he desperately hoped to get them in a place where either Piggy would just accept this or they could escape unharmed. “Do you remember someone by the name of Debbie Sue Anderson?”
“No,” was her immediate answer. As though she could remember every single person she met in her…oh wait. “Oh wait,” she corrected. “Yeah, I remember her. She was in the Miss Bogen County finals with me.”
“Oh, I bet she was the nicest person ever!” Fozzie gushed. “And you two were the best of friends, right?”
“No, she hated me,” she said. “We had been neck and neck up to the finals and she got into a snit because I was beating her in every event. She nearly sabotaged my talent event, but Moi always has extra talents to spare. Fixed her little wagon, yes I did.”
“I’d like to think that means you were the bigger person and, with some soul searching, you decided to let any anger you may have been feeling go in the face of being a good sportsman, but I have a feeling I’d be wrong and highly disappointed.”
“Why’re you guys asking about this?” she questioned. “And how do you know about Debbie Sue?”
The door opened unexpectedly, causing those on the couch to turn; the opened door revealed Courtney Hallsworthy once more. “I almost forgot,” she said. “Can you make sure that Miss Piggy brings both the sash and the crown? That way we can give them to Debbie Sue.”
“Say what?” asked Piggy, staring incredulously at the Muppet.
Lew Zealand, who had followed the woman from the driveway up to the door, suddenly jumped out from behind her, fish in both hands. “What the halibut!?” he shouted. “Where’s the party?”
